Ari's Blog - Beginning

TruckerPete said:
Gah! I thought I'd subscribed to your blog!

Really happy to hear how everything went/is going, Ari!! (And Pengraph, and SJ, and Wellington, and ... oh jeez, need my spreadsheet again! :D)
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Hehe, spreadsheet...
You know, it might sound silly, but sometimes I wonder if some graphs with people's relationships might help. Maybe I'll draw up one for my network (even though it's a very simple one).
Sometimes it's hard to keep track of everyone in a network and remember who's who!
 
Some very interesting goings on this last few days. My cousin came up to hang out with us and watch some UFC or play vids. Really just catch up.

He is fully aware of Pengrah and I's being in an open relationship (hell the first night I introduced him to his now wife, we were hooking up with his wifes bestfriend). So we have no problems discussing our relationships and kinks with him. Part of the discussion centered around poly. It bounced around for a couple of hours with main points of contention. It was something unexpected as we are all similar. But the discussion was fun, although a little heated between Pengrah and my cousin.

The point of contention revolved around the ability to love others. He understand my ability to date and have sex with other women, but the idea I could love 2 people without my love being diminished for either was a mind blow for him. He was making a fundamental error in connecting love to a relationship style. Arguing monogamy vs polyamory. I pulled out my personal analogy of silos. Each silo represents someone I love. Neither silo takes away from the other, but both combined makes things ... better.

He has been doing research on poly, since seeing my status change on fetlife. He has a lot of ... misinformation about poly because of how it is presented online. He found a lot of the same information I found when I started out. A lot of the pagan, love ins that just don't appeal to us. He couldn't conceptualize the idea of what he has found to be poly, being my poly. It took some explaining but I think I got the point across of who I am and what I want. Beyond polyamory, he has a lot of questions on polyandry and polygamy. That was the most heated part of the discussion but I think we were able to dissuade him from his line of thought. Believing all polyamory eventually become poly-fi locked in relationships with touches of polyandry and polygamy.

He walked away, still believing he could never be polyamorous, although I think understanding my point of view of what it is and how it is to me. A great conversation for a saturday night, with some UFC thrown in for fun. He is excited to meet SJ, he has no hesitation about my poly, but he is also willing to embrace it for me. Polyamory just may not be the non-monogamy for him...

Ari
 
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Love Language

I have been doing some thinking on Love Language. Just one of those things I am considering in my own life.

I scored physical touch as my primary - which is no surprise
I scored a tie for my secondary between "acts of service" and "quality time"
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I forget the numbers but they were interesting to me. I seem to remember it was 40% touch, and 25% for each of the others.

Traditionally I am a touchy person. In the world of day to day romance. I and my partners tend to be those people you would hear "get a room" or "they are so cute" in public domain. I am not offended by or care if I offend with public displays of affection. Touch is generally very important to me in showing love.

I believe while these core love languages do apply in my life, maturity and logic don't require this exact setup. I can logically break down what I want vs what I have vs what I need.

In a long distance relationship, touch is something that is inherently missing most of the time. However I find myself happy with "acts of service" and "quality time". Knowing touch will happen when it does, but truly enjoying the other two. Combined, this makes sense (hell just do the math, if the other two are high, they do in fact overrun my need for touch or my need to give touch)

Could I have done this in my younger years, well actually yes, I was in a LDR with Pengrah for the first 4 or 5 months at the beginning of our relationship. I have always had the logic to back me up, but now with logic and maturity I find myself in a great place to be in love with SJ, regardless of distance. Love is more important than the love language.

Ari
 
And sometimes logic fails. Probably a culmination of a really shitty week at work but today I am feeling a little at odds with myself. My emotional side is battling my logical side a bit today, not something I am used to. Its odd to be confident in the love of everyone but be wary of a few things surrounding that love.

Ironically as I write this I realize, again this isn't any different than a mono relationship. There are always things to be wary of or that can bring in doubt. It is always the confidence in that love that gets you past the bumps in the road.

Also trying to find the ability to offer support to Pengrah without throwing out my own judgments or real critique. I am left to hold some opinions to myself in regards to her goings on as she doesn't always want to hear them. Anything stressing her stresses me, which sometimes makes me want to get into fight mode, which I really don't feel I have a right to in the world of poly.

Everything in this is a tough balance that is sometimes hard to find and be satisfied with. What an interesting web we weave.

In other life, I am hoping this weekend is really a weekend, not to mention thanksgiving which sounds like it might be fun on Monday with Pengrah and E. I am really hoping this weekend is filled with nothing, no contract work, no real socializing. Just movies, my laptop and some time with Pengrah.
 
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Turn your phone off or accidentally don't hear it when (if) work calls. You deserve a weekend as much as anyone else.
 
Life is great in my poly world. Pengrah is amazing and doing really well. Her relationship with W is building slowly. We are doing well, albeit having some problems on the bdsm side of things. SJ is an amazing woman, always learning more and more about each other, and everything is always impressive.

I am really excited right now. We have a flight booked for SJ to come to vancouver for a visit. Hotel room is just about booked. So now we just need the date to get here so I can see her again. A nice vacation for both of us together. Its going to be awesome.

The compersion Pengrah felt when I booked the flight was intense. She truly epitomizes compersion and what it can do. In the end that acceptance really makes everything flow so naturally. I had read, and even experienced it a bit. But her level of compersion is addictive. She wants to ensure my relationship with Superjast is always working and happy, because that makes her happy. Having someone on your side, in regards to the happiness of other relationship makes everything feel more natural.

Superjast and I talk a lot. There is a great level of communication where we never seen to have a problem with topics. Its great to meet someone with as huge a range of interests as I do. We can debate, disagree, and just plain talk about pretty much anything. I find myself interested in topics that I had never encountered before. Every day my love for her grows consistently being surprised and excited to learn something new about her or the life around her.

All that said, I am suffering from writers block. I work with a college to post blogs posts explaining about my job. I am finding myself so bored with work, I am having difficulty posting interesting things about my job for students to digest. Hard to focus on doing something work related when I am gushing like a teenager.
 
Us ?? Talk a lot ??? Nahhhhhh. :p


Glad you are in a good place. You deserve to feel content and happy. :)...I am even happier to be a part of that. :)

Speaking of, looking forward to telling you all the little thoughts rolling around my noggin' this weekend. Was odd to go so long without communicating.

I need to remind myself to girl-talk with Pengrah too. We can catch up with each other.

As for work. Well it`s definitely hard to write with enthusiasm, when our jobs currently seem unfulfilling. Thats when 'old notes',....come in handy,...Inspire others with tried and true methods,...if you can`t seem to inspire yourself.


Talk to ya,..ummm,..soon. ;)
 
Superjast said:
Speaking of, looking forward to telling you all the little thoughts rolling around my noggin' this weekend. Was odd to go so long without communicating.
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Yes, it was odd. Very strange to not have our mornings together

I need to remind myself to girl-talk with Pengrah too. We can catch up with each other.
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She loves the girl talks. Sometimes us guys, just can't get it.

As for work. Well it`s definitely hard to write with enthusiasm, when our jobs currently seem unfulfilling. Thats when 'old notes',....come in handy,...Inspire others with tried and true methods,...if you can`t seem to inspire yourself.
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I need to figure out something. I have at least another 6 months here. I need to figure out how to be inspired in my job. Otherwise it will be hard to stay motivated.

Its so odd here, because the job is the resort. I am disliking the resort as a whole which in turn makes the job less valuable. Part of what always made being here enjoyable was the location. Once that goes away, the town and job become devalued.

For the time being, I am enjoying contract work. But thats a purely fiscal thing.

One of these days all of my ducks will be in a row. Just need to figure out which way to point them
 
Thoughts on Veto

I posted this on another forum in response to a couple of questions on poly. I was planning on doing a blog post in regards to this but I think this covers my thoughts nicely.

Me on Fetlife... said:
Veto power is simply a way to ensure you have absolute control over yours and your "primaries" relationship. The positives ONLY lie with the person holding the veto power. Beyond that, it is a damaging and has a potentially rippling affect throughout the rest of the relationship(s) involved.

The only person that should have veto are the people involved in that relationship, otherwise there shouldn't be involvement with other people. To many potentially hurt feelings involved when people other than the ones engaged in the relationship hold the power.

In cases where there is abuse, poor relationship ability etc. I still don't like veto, but there should be the ability to open up communication in case there is something seriously "off". Hopefully people are mature enough to handle their NRE and can see the forest through the trees if their primary is pointing out "bad" things. But it should be an informational seminar, not a veto competition.

And to those of you who hold veto competitions. All the power to you, not my bag. Just make sure that card is on the table at the beginning so people getting involved know the whole story before they decide to walk into a relationship structure they have no control over.
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another from me on fetlife said:
Oh I should note before someone decides to try and torture my balls. Veto power works just dandy in purely sexual relationships, I don't care when its just sex (swinging, open, fwb's, group sex...who cares). Once there are feelings involved, especially one as strong as love then it should be off the table.
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Communication

I wish I could figure out what the hell is wrong with me. My ability to communicate is going down the tubes and I seem to be failing at things I used to find easy.

I am overly sensitive. Taking things to heart in ways I shouldn't. Becoming defensive over things I shouldn't. Everytime I turn around I find myself making a mistake in communication.

This throws me into two modes, fight or flight. I have a bad habit of turtling but I also have a bad habit of fighting my way out of the problem. The problem is, I am my own opponent.

What scares me the most is I feel like I am breaking things that may not be fixable. I wear my problems on my sleeve which makes turtling interesting because I am a turtle with a translucent shell.

Arg, still trying to figure myself out I guess. Always by making mistakes.
 
ImaginaryIllusion said:
Work stress?
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Definitely has made it worse, but this goes back a few weeks. Its almost as if, as I get closer, I have the potential to turtle more.

Actually just by writing that a thought popped into my head that may apply. As I get closer emotionally I turtle with some things, because I am afraid of being verbally slapped. The closer I am, the more likely the slap will hurt more. Where, when I am with anyone but lovers, I am not concerned with the outcome because my friends accept my communication style.

So why am I am assuming when someone becomes a lover, that they can't. :confused::confused:

Ok I need to think on this a bit. I think I need to go through my baggage and figure out where I learned this style of communication.

Thanks II. Two words and you kicked my brain into action. ;)
 
Ariakas said:
Definitely has made it worse, but this goes back a few weeks. Its almost as if, as I get closer, I have the potential to turtle more.

Actually just by writing that a thought popped into my head that may apply. As I get closer emotionally I turtle with some things, because I am afraid of being verbally slapped. The closer I am, the more likely the slap will hurt more. Where, when I am with anyone but lovers, I am not concerned with the outcome because my friends accept my communication style.

So why am I am assuming when someone becomes a lover, that they can't. :confused::confused:

Ok I need to think on this a bit. I think I need to go through my baggage and figure out where I learned this style of communication.

Thanks II. Two words and you kicked my brain into action. ;)
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Sounds like it might have started with some sort of betrayal of trust? So now, to avoid having your trust betrayed and therefore cutting someone important out of your life as a consequence, your mind ninjas you and figures that if you turtle and don't give them everything, they can't betray you and you won't have to cut them out. Because you love them.

Clear as mud?
 
You did nail it I think. I guess I don't really have to find the why, just fix the problem itself.

I can also say that I tend to beat myself up when I get into cycles like this. In my effort to figure out the why, instead of fixing the problem I can get really down on myself, in that process I can also internalize. Its an interesting cycle that I usually need a kick to get out of. Realization is almost always the first step :)

This unfortunately has its own rippling effect.

I have to say, the process of learning poly has really brought me to a lot of realizations about myself. Some good and some not so good....
 
A 'little' off here...

You know,..for all the support and shoulders you have offered to others on here, I sure hope some more people come through and offer you some ideas.

It would be nice to see the back scratching go both ways.

******

You know my thoughts. I think your insecurity lies in you waiting for the other shoe to drop, after seeing so many relationships fall apart lately.

Sure it goes deeper, and longer term then that, but you need a starting point, at which to gather the string back up.

Maybe some support from all those you have helped, would make you feel connected all-around again. xo

*****
 
Superjast said:
You know my thoughts. I think your insecurity lies in you waiting for the other shoe to drop, after seeing so many relationships fall apart lately.
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Definitely true. It's been an off putting year, between work and this being the big "lets all leave town" year. With all of my closest friends having left, its left the town a little vacant for me. It probably has affected me aversely

To be honest I have been dating you through some of the tougher excursions. I have been trying to brush them off which has been squeezed like a pressure cooker. Now it is just ready to blow.

Sure it goes deeper, and longer term then that, but you need a starting point, at which to gather the string back up.
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I agree. :)

xo sweety
 
Ariakas said:
Actually just by writing that a thought popped into my head that may apply. As I get closer emotionally I turtle with some things, because I am afraid of being verbally slapped. The closer I am, the more likely the slap will hurt more. Where, when I am with anyone but lovers, I am not concerned with the outcome because my friends accept my communication style.

So why am I am assuming when someone becomes a lover, that they can't. :confused::confused:
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I'm like this too. I turtle about a lot of things, but mostly where friends are concerned. With lovers I am completely able to communicate. Maybe that is why I feel most complete with so many? :D I just shut down and don't talk because I don't want to get slapped for being so open and making myself vulnerable. Funny, cause on here I'm all go in the communication realm! :p

It takes a lot for me to trust because of the negative experiences I have had with my parents where it was not safe to communicate and when I did, because they asked me too, I was reprimanded for saying stuff that was not their opinion or was made to be convinced out of my opinion.

If you figure this shit out and have an answer other than to just keep working on it, or to just trust, then I would love to hear.... it's a tricky one for me too.
 
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