Attachment Theory/Styles

Token2

Member
I've started seeing a therapist who in many ways is very open-minded and I've felt the couple of sessions we've had have been really positive.

However today he said words to the effect of 'studies show most polyamorous people have an anxious avoidant attachment style'...

Now I am very secure with my NP, my ex-boyfriend (the Surfer) is avoidant (& acknowledges it), he made me anxious but when I re-read my journal recently I saw I struggled with let my guard down all the way through our NRE stage.

When I finally did, I became anxious and he became the avoidant one. He's not someone who identifies as being poly but he's got a trauma bond with his ex which I think displays anxious tendencies from his side.

Now I don't agree with the psych's generalisation of polyamorous people as I think most avoidant attachers would be incapable of the emotional depth and communication it takes for a successful polyamorous lifestyle. But I do recognise I seem to demonstrate 3 different attachment styles depending on the dynamic/partner.

Anyway I was wondering how y'all self-identify, I've decided I'll go back to the therapist and debate him a little on the topic. I pointed out NP and I are approaching 3 decades, and our relationship in its old form had run its course.

A few days back, NP who is happy not looking for anyone new in his life said to me (tongue in cheek) 'I should be enough for you' and then we both burst out laughing. I told this to the therapy and it made him laugh so I think he gets it, just been reading the wrong journals...
 
I'd ask him to cite these studies because the ones I've read agree with this study:


If he cannot provide citations, and won't change his opinion based on solid evidence, I'd dismiss him as my therapist and also probably write a complaint explaining why he is a problem.

I think my attachment style depends on the relationship. I can be anxious avoidant if I'm in a relationship which pushes those buttons. My baseline is securely attached at this point though.
 
Jeez, is your therapist's idea that we crave multiple partners, say, two, just because we are avoiding one of them? We need Partner B because we don't want to spend much time with Partner A? That's just silly. Do I spend time with Friend A to avoid Friend B? Do I hang out with my sister just to avoid my mother? Do I go shopping with my older daughter just to avoid my younger one?

Do I go to a movie just to avoid going for a walk in the woods? Do I take a bath just to avoid a shower? Do I eat sushi just to avoid beef? Do I listen to jazz just to avoid listening to rock?

What the hell is wrong with variety? Every person we know brings us something different to enrich our lives. Who wants to live on a desert island with just one person for the rest of their lives?

Hey, if I am married, should I not have any relationships with other family or friends? Should I avoid going to the grocery store because one of the clerks might talk to me?

I could go on to further depict the ridiculousness of this theory.

I know. It's sex. We are uncomfortable with having sex with more than one person. This just goes back to the patriarchy and controlling women's sexuality, so that men can avoid raising another man's biological children. He can have all the wives/gfs he can handle (what a stud!), but woe betide a woman who has more than one male partner. She is a whore and deserves death by stoning. Polygyny is still legal in many countries. Polyandry is almost unheard of. Even in the West, where bigamy and plural marriages are illegal, men still get off more easily for having more than one female partner, than women do for having more than one male partner.

Maybe you need to go to a progressive female therapist who is more experienced in working with people with "alternative lifestyles," LGBTQ+ people, etc.

And now some men will post in saying I am a man-hater. I am not. I love many men. I am just sick of the patriarchy (which harms men as well as women).
 
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I do believe that there is a certain level of irony in paying someone to debate them about their own beliefs on polyamory.

I almost fell into a similar trap myself once, but ultimately I had to remind my therapist that our discussions should be focused on topics that were conducive to my own self-improvement.
 
I don't consider attachment theory to be very useful, and don't give it much thought. I looked at a couple of Wikipedia articles on it, and found them to be rather garbled and disorganized. There was no clear and simple way to determine which attachment style I would identify with.

I rely a lot on my two poly companions (my partner and her husband), but I also tend to isolate myself a lot. I don't know what that says about me, maybe I am just introverted.
 
In general? I'm secure attached. Given the right set of circumstances, I think anyone can feel anxious or avoidant or fearful or a whole host of other things though.

You do not have to say anything about your private health things online.

But maybe something to think about, ok? I offer you this thought.

However today he said words to the effect of 'studies show most polyamorous people have an anxious avoidant attachment style'...

That just makes me think... "Please explain to me how this relates to MY therapy, therapist."

Otherwise it is like therapist making random announcements from the sky.

Does he think YOU are anxious avoidant? And it actually pertains to your therapy progress? Ok, maybe leading to something relevant then.

Or did his reading some articles somewhere lead to him trying to pigeonhole you into that box rather than actually see YOU in YOUR context? And that therapist behavior is slowing or even hindering your therapy progress?

Like going off on a tangential side quest. Yes, some poly people might have that... but do YOU? No? Then why bother bringing this up?

Therapist can do continuing education on their own time/dime.

Not yours. You pay for your therapy to be for YOU.

I have not had it happen in therapy. I have had it happen with docs for some of my chronic patient things.
Where the doctor was not listening to me and was trying to hang something they read about on me without checking if this actually fit my case or not.

Hopefully you aren't having one of those experiences.
 
I think attachment theory is, to be frank, complete bullshit.

As a solo poly person, I would be defined as avoidant just because of the way I structure my relationships.
 
Speaking of therapy for poly people in general, when a certain therapist I'd hired told me on my second visit to her that married people "shouldn't get crushes" on people other than their spouse, I fired her and never went back. I thought that was an outrageous statement coming from someone who touted herself as a specialist in couples' therapy. Who was she, the thought police?

I guess, as with any professional, there are good ones who are truly helpful, and others who, frankly, suck. They say ridiculous things, they leave scalpels inside surgical patients, they even sexually molest their patients/staff. Yes, one doc I went to was subject to a civil lawsuit brought by his receptionists and a couple of patients, claiming that he'd touched them inappropriately and said sexually suggestive things. Luckily I was not a victim of that.
 
I happen to have read a lot about attachment theory recently. I don't have a psychology degree, but I do have a PhD and do a lot of research on topics. In any case, most psychologists who agree with attachment theory (and there is lots of evidence it's a useful model, but not yet perfected) warn that we need to be very careful generalizing it even for one person. There are some critical moments in our childhood where our caretakers need to make us feel safe for us to feel secure in our relationships. It's a learned pattern that can affect us for the rest of our lives.

However, it's not destiny. You can change your attachment style, and it often depends on the specific relationship. So, let's say I grew up avoidant because my parents worked a lot and were largely absent. So, I've learned to take care of myself. This could lead me to avoid deep connections with other people. But, what if my new partner is very good at making me feel secure in various ways? That can absolutely overcome these tendencies and lead to a secure relationship, especially if I am aware of my own tendencies and mindfully deal with them.

Generously, your therapist may be trying to help you avoid traps that they see in you. Ungenerously, your therapist is throwing out an idea that doesn't seem to have a strong scientific basis. I have no idea, but I do know that study after study shows that humans are very complicated, as well as elastic both in our thought processes and our attachment styles.
 
I took a look at the study Seasonedpoly posted upthread. The idea is that our degree of attachment to other people can depend on the actual dynamic between individuals, rather than us being securely or insecurely attached across the board with every person we spend time with.

They are applying ideas about platonic relationships and familial ones to polyamorous ones, which I think is entirely valid.

So, for example, I could be securely attached to my partner, who is reliable and caring, but insecurely attached to my daughter, who might be immature, or naive, or judgmental, etc. I could be securely attached to my nesting partner, but insecurely attached to another comet partner who maybe kind of comes and goes, has several partners, or lots of kids, is late for dates, spends too much time on his phone during dates, etc.
 
I took a look at the study Seasonedpoly posted upthread. The idea is that our degree of attachment to other people can depend on the actual dynamic between individuals, rather than us being securely or insecurely attached across the board with every person we spend time with.

They are applying ideas about platonic relationships and familial ones to polyamorous ones, which I think is entirely valid.

So, for example, I could be securely attached to my partner, who is reliable and caring, but insecurely attached to my daughter, who might be immature, or naive, or judgmental, etc. I could be securely attached to my nesting partner, but insecurely attached to another comet partner who maybe kind of comes and goes, has several partners, or lots of kids, is late for dates, spends too much time on his phone during dates, etc.

Yes. You know like we see someone who is in a long term marriage and perfectly alright with whatever they want to do. They're securely attached. And then one of them gets a boyfriend ot girlfriend and in that relationship, they're insecure, possessive and anxiously attached. It could be the person that makes you that way. It could be having less practical commitment like marriage that makes you that way.
 
Just to play devil's advocate - I would ask him to elaborate on what he meant by that statement (as well as how he thought it was advancing your therapy).

Perhaps it was an observation that he had made in his own practice, i.e. most of the poly people that he has seen in therapy have displayed features of an anxious avoidant attachment style. Personal experiences / observations are not actual research but they are valid points of conversation. We do this ALLL OF THE TIME on this forum. "Most Unicorn Hunters"...have these underlying assumptions that should be examined. "Most couples new to poly"...make these common mistakes. These statements are not based on research but the observations that we, regulars of this particular forum, have observed in people who end up seeking advice on this particular forum. Others forums may have different regulars and attract different poly people seeking advice.

I would also ask how many of his NON-poly patients - who are seeking RELATIONSHIP advice - also display features of an anxious avoidant attachment style. As well as how many poly people he sees in therapy are there regarding RELATIONSHIP issues as opposed to other reasons. I would venture to say that people with secure attachment styles are less likely to seek counseling regarding their relationships, and that POLY people who are seeking therapy for other reasons may not disclose their poly identity if it is not relevant to their problem as they may feel that having to explain it to their therapist would detract from time spent on more important things.

Jane("just-sayin'")Q.

PS. I have no opinion on whether the concept of attachment style is useful in the setting of counselling. Not my field.
(OP - I have no idea what issues you are in therapy to address, so please don't think that I presume to know anything about your particular circumstances.)
 
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Attachment theory has helped me a great deal in realizing why I am the way I am and why my r'ships often end up a certain way. I'm anxiously attached and attract/am attracted to avoidants. The detailed patterns of behavior are too specific to ignore.

So I'm anxious/preoccupied, but I'm also not poly-by-orientation. I have only ever wanted to be poly when a) I was not satisfied with a particular partner and wanted an open door, b) because the people I wanted wanted poly and I was too anxiously attached to leave them.

I dated one solo poly woman whose style seemed textbook dismissive avoidant. She swung me, who had been pretty securely attached to my husband at that point, totally anxious. My poly exbf showed traits of fearful avoidant, probably made worse by my anxious attachment, though he said he'd been the anxious one in previous r'ships. The woman I dated monogamously before him was also FA, so it's not just a poly trait.

I suspect the married man I'm in a comet/kink thing with is secure, he's been with his wife forever and is very consistent with me. I feel secure with him, too, either because he isn't avoidant, or because I'm not romantically into him? I suspect the couple that emerged from a threeway r'ship I had years ago are secure, they're still married 25 years after I left, no idea if they still practice poly.

So yeah, I'd guess everyone has their baseline attachment style, but it can be activated or not based on other people's behavior within the r'ship(s) and poly people may or may not be more avoidant than genpop.
 
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Since I posted above, I've read Polysecure, and Fern points out that attachment theory is often defined in mono-normative terms. This means that a secure attachment is often defined as the ability to turn to ONE person for your attachment/emotional needs. Given that definition, poly relationships would be inherently insecure. She partially disagrees with this notion. On the one hand, she thinks there is some inherent insecurity that you are introducing when you are poly, but it's intentional. That intentionality allows you to establish multiple, secure attachments (in theory). Of course, this depends on a lot of factors.

For example, I have felt mostly secure with my non-nesting partner, but recently her other partner is feeling threatened by me (why doesn't matter to this post, and I'm not sure I even understand it, really). This is leading him to ask for things that are making me feel a bit insecure. But hopefully that's temporary.

Nevertheless, the natural (or maybe very likely?) waves that can happen in any relationship often spill over in poly relationships. It's hard to keep all of our relationships completely distinct, because the amount of time/energy we give to one partner will at times take away from what we can offer others. Fern offers lots of ways to counter that, and it's good advice (things like making sure everyone knows when they are available and assure each other that they will be there for important events, etc.). But sometimes, complications WILL happen. Maybe one person is graduating from grad school on the same day that another partner's birthday happens to land. Choices have to be made, and if they aren't negotiated properly, that can cause insecurity.

In any case, I don't think it's true that poly people are inherently one type of attachment. However, the therapist might be thinking of these kinds of issues and simply presenting it poorly. IDK...trying to be generous about it.
 
I've started seeing a therapist who in many ways is very open-minded and I've felt the couple of sessions we've had have been really positive.

However today he said words to the effect of 'studies show most polyamorous people have an anxious avoidant attachment style'...

Now I am very secure with my NP, my ex-boyfriend (the Surfer) is avoidant (& acknowledges it), he made me anxious but when I re-read my journal recently I saw I struggled with let my guard down all the way through our NRE stage.

When I finally did, I became anxious and he became the avoidant one. He's not someone who identifies as being poly but he's got a trauma bond with his ex which I think displays anxious tendencies from his side.

Now I don't agree with the psych's generalisation of polyamorous people as I think most avoidant attachers would be incapable of the emotional depth and communication it takes for a successful polyamorous lifestyle. But I do recognise I seem to demonstrate 3 different attachment styles depending on the dynamic/partner.

Anyway I was wondering how y'all self-identify, I've decided I'll go back to the therapist and debate him a little on the topic. I pointed out NP and I are approaching 3 decades, and our relationship in its old form had run its course.

A few days back, NP who is happy not looking for anyone new in his life said to me (tongue in cheek) 'I should be enough for you' and then we both burst out laughing. I told this to the therapy and it made him laugh so I think he gets it, just been reading the wrong journals...
My primary and I saw a couples therapist a few years back after a fairly rough breakup. She was so supportive and gave us a ton of literature to borrow and read and helped us deal with all trust issues that had arisen and actually helped us to be able to open our relationship again in a more healthy way. Seems like you need a therapist who understands a bit better.
 
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