BDSM discussion

vampiresscammy said:
Toybox or no toybox? if you're lucky enough to have room/space for one and no little people to get into it, good on you. If you do need to worry about little ones, find somewhere they can't get into, but close to where you like to play. If you can't get an actual toybox, use a nice big duffle bag or anything that easily holds your goodies, but doesn't harm them.
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Instead of a toy box or duffel bag we use a suit bag! It hangs up if needed, things hang up IN it, it lays flat, holds TONNES of toys! Yeah, that's our toy bag!

Personally, I've been a masochist for 20+ years, although only the last 12 have had any consistency to them.

Sir calls me His scratching post because I LOVE to be scratched!

I LOVE to play in public! I'm an energy vampire, so all those good vibes from everyone in the space just adds to my sub space & makes me one very, VERY happy camper!

As for using a soft touch, it is sometimes even MORE painful, especially if you're a masochist who's craving pain and not getting it!

Redpepper said:
Am I shit out of luck in finding playmates that are okay with the no-sex thing?
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Heck no, you're not SOL! More often than not, maybe 95% of the time, our play ends with my falling asleep! There ARE tops and bottoms out there who are in the scene strictly for the thrill of it, the taking or giving control, the TPE, and have absolutely no interest in sex with their partner.

Someone mentioned having to buy all their toys. That doesn't fly around here, at least for the tops. Some of us enjoy playing with others, and there are some who go to these parties just so they CAN play with others, and those whom we play with MUST have at least the basics of what they wish to play with, with them. We carry some of our own with us, but ONLY those which can be easily cleaned, are cheap enough to throw away, or can be given to the recipient after play time is over. The dangers of passing a disease to someone through sweat contact is below minimal, BUT you never know if that toy has come in contact with blood or other body fluids. In other words, it's not just the Tops or couples who travel with toys. The subs do, as well.

Now that my thoughts on other's posts are out of the way (sometimer's disease here, lol), I'm slave to Sir's Dominant side, and vanilla girlfriend to His vanilla side. Yes, I'm collared, proudly so. :D I'm not an extreme masochist, but I do love a good flogging or paddling, among many other things. Sir bought me a TENS unit for Christmas! WOOT! We haven't had a chance to play with it yet, but I'm thinking that Thursday night I'll use it on Him since His back's been bothering Him a lot lately.

Now, on to other threads, since Sir's working, and my plans for the night fell through, :( so I've got ALL night to go through what's here. :)
 
nikkiana said:
I lurk along with a few of the BDSM groups in my area on FetLife. Most of them host munches and play parties, and it often feels like the discussion online is often about play party activities. I feel intimidated to check out a munch, because I'm not interested in doing any play that isn't totally private.
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I would still go to the munches, if I were you. Many people do not enjoy public play, but getting together with like-minded folks is almost always a nice thing. It isn't always about play. You can meet people at munches who think the way you do. Oftentimes some of these people will host very small and private parties in their home. I know a few who do so, and not even necessarily play parties. I've been to everything from afternoon BBQs where everyone could be themselves, including fetish clothes, collars/leashes, etc., to full-on seven course meals served by the slaves, where there was no play at all.

Sometimes it is just really nice to be able to hang out with people who know and not have to watch what comes out of your mouth. First step in doing fun things like this is to get out there and meet others, whether or not you have a desire to play in public.
 
I'm off to meet my tertiary/intimate friend in a bit. We haven't seen each other in private for over a month. Since then, he has developed a relationship with a woman, whereby she has become his sub. It turns out he has not told her about Nerdist and me.

This weekend is a play party that he and this woman will attend, as will Mono and I. (I will be a school principal and he a school boy... Grrr.) We are about to negotiate what will happen next. I dom him and he doms her. I'm not sure on a few things, like, does he even want to engage in that with me? And does he want her to see him like this? Amongst other questions.

I guess I am wondering how much I should ask for. How much does a tertiary/intimate friend who is dominated get to do? I quite often take control of him in these situations. And if he is doing the same to her, then how does that work? My domming him has increased every time, and I am wondering if I should step back from allowing that. He has always enjoyed it as much as I have, loves doing what he is told, and usually agrees, but this feels different somehow. Hmm... I guess when we meet we shall talk all that out. Anyone have an opinion, though?
 
I'm in the same situation. I lurk along with a few of the BDSM groups in my area on FetLife, most of them host munches and play parties... and it often feels like the discussion online is about play party activities. I feel intimidated to check out a munch because I'm not interested in doing any play that isn't totally private.
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I went to a munch last night that involved many people from FetLife. I said BDSM isn't exactly my thing, so I was a little worried I'd be uncomfortable.

In fact, I almost have the opposite impression of what you're afraid of. There was almost NO discussion of BDSM or sex. I actually find it a little weird how compartmentalized it felt, honestly. Not weird in a bad sense, but in a, "That's odd, I'd have expected more," sense.

I strongly invite you to check out a non-play munch (they will be clearly defined) if you're interested in exploring the BDSM community. I met a lot of really cool people last night, and even if I'm not looking for play and partners, mingling with folks who are in a niche community (a community none-the-less) and more sexually open was a very pleasant, tasteful and safe experience.
 
I went to the play event that I have been gearing up for for some time. I went as a school mistress/riding instructor. It depended on who I was talking to. ;) One guy told me he was looking for someone to ride him and was all starry eyed looking at me. Made me wonder about that whole aspect. I will have to look into that whole culture more.

There was a young woman there dressed as a cat with stiletto leopard-print shoes and bobby socks with white fur around them. She wore white tights and garter belt and a little skirt of the same leopard print. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her legs!!! It made me almost cum looking at them...! She got tied up and suspended with those on and nothing else. She was very round and robust and I drooled like a child looking through a candy store window. I would've loved to run my tongue along those round legs... I'm so dirty-minded... heh :eek:

I played with Mono on a rack where it pulled his arms tighter by turning a gear. The chains were clangy and it was cold metal. He said he could not move one bit, which was a real thrill. I looked over to my friends at one point and they were all watching... I got all shy for a second and had to turn away.

I played with a friend for the first time. We had met earlier in the week to sort out boundaries and discuss what she and I like. I bound her to a spanking bench and chained up her vagina so that when I pulled on the chain it pulled nicely on the flesh between her legs. I was thrilled. :D It worked out very well and she wrote me this morning to tell me she had really enjoyed herself. I was thrilled, as this is what it is all about for me... my pleasure comes from my sub's pleasure. I was a little worried ahead of time that our communication during the scene would not be strong enough, but once in it, it was very fluid and easy, comfortable. I hope she wants to play again.

I gave Mono a good beating on a ladder A-frame by the end of the night. I completely bound him to it, so that he couldn't move, and whipped him with a cat o' nine tails. I gave it all I had, but he wanted more. I think I need more tools to play with, as the ones I have only give as much as they can. Even if I give it my all, there is a limit to what they can do.

I have so much confidence now. All my apprehension from earlier in this thread is gone. I have a lot to learn and a lot of growing to do, but am thoroughly enjoying the process.

It was difficult to watch my tertiary beating the shit out of his new sub, whom he introduced me to last night. It was hard to watch and know that we are not playing right now. I was sad and emotional and I didn't watch most of the night. I forced myself to watch by the end, and really took in what they have together. I am glad I did, because she is very different from me, and I could see that she and he have a relationship that is different than mine with him. I bring other things to the table. I just have to be patient. He waited for me to say goodbye, which I thought was a good sign. I let him come to me all night and gave him a big hug and told him I loved him. It was hard, but we will be okay.
 
redpepper said:
I have so much confidence now. All my apprehension earlier in this thread is gone. I have a lot to learn and a lot of growing to do, but am thoroughly enjoying the process.
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:D You were awesome! Everyone there took notice, Lilo. You really took care of our friend, before, during and after the scene. Great job!
 
DrunkenPorcupine said:
I went to a munch last night... There was almost no discussion of BDSM or sex. I actually find it a little weird how compartmentalized it felt, honestly. Not weird in a bad sense but in a "that's odd, I'd have expected more," sense.

I strongly invite you to check out a non-play munch if you're interested in exploring the BDSM community. I met a lot of really cool people last night, and even if I'm not looking for play and partners, mingling with folks who are in a niche community, and more sexually open was a very pleasant, tasteful and safe experience.
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I had a similar experience at the first munch I went to hosted by local BDSM group last year. There was playfulness between those who knew each other for a long time, but generally it was "subdued." That was the word long-time members used to describe it, in comparison to how the munches usually are. For subdued, there were quite a few flashes of tat. :pA lot of conversation about everyday things, more so than BDSM. Altogether, it was a fun experience.

The munches are meant to be welcoming and unpressurized to newcomers. The group we went to also has many other types of events, including networking events with other NY BDSM groups, play events, etc.

~Raven~
 
Wow! It sounds like you had a great time, Redpepper. It also seems like you've positively pushed a personal and relational boundary. Excellent. Glad your experience was so exciting. :) Thanks for sharing.
 
LR, I hope you don't mind my bringing this thread up that I seemed to have taken over.

My tertiary and his woman have decided that I am not an option sexually for him. She is mono and does not want him to be sleeping with other women, even if we had a long-term thing. Phooey. Apparently that might change. Yeah, right... not feeling it. Just feeling cast aside at the moment, especially as I had to drag it all out of him. He hasn't surfaced from his NRE to bother keeping me in the loop. Just as well really, as he has not being having safe sex, and at least I won't have to decide how to deal with that. :(

On another note, I am entertaining a new sub. He is almost 20 years younger than me, fit (which is good, because I intend to make him work hard for his mistress) and very keen to please me. We are talking online and slowly getting to the point of meeting. I am very excited.
 
redpepper said:
My tertiary and his woman have decided that I am not an option sexually for him. She is mono and does not want him to be sleeping with other women, even if we had a long term thing... feeling cast aside at the moment. He hasn't surfaced from his NRE to bother keeping me in the loop. He has not being having safe sex and at least I won't have to decide how to deal with that. :( I am entertaining a new sub... he is almost 20 years younger than me, fit (which is good, because I intend to make him work hard for his mistress) and very keen to please me. We are talking online. I am very excited.
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Sorry to hear about your tert, but at least now you know.

On the other note, congratulations. How is that going in terms of your other relationships? I know that there are some newbies on here discussing BDSM relationships that are "secondary" to their main love relationships. They might be interested in knowing how you make it all work, especially Since Mon is... mono. ;) (I really like the nickname Mon. giggle)
 
We have been negotiating for a long time. I told Mono from day one that I am kinky. It has never been a surprise to him. He was brave enough to go to two events where I let him take the lead as far as what he was comfortable with. He came with me and my tertiary the first time and watched us play, even participated for a bit, as my helper. The second time I worked on him and another woman. We spent the whole time together and played hard. He was collared and completely owned by me the whole time he was there.

He became interested in adding BDSM to our relationship. During this time I realized that I was not satisfied with what my tertiary and Mono had to offer in its entirety. Nerdist and I have long moved on to other things in our sexual relationship. I have a Fetlife profile and modified it with Mono's and Nerdist's help. Added some new pictures and asked for what I wanted. I have had many replies, but this one young man has really caught my eye.

In terms of how the two men feel about my involvement with others in a D/s way, we have negotiated the boundaries the same way as we have with other parts of our relationship. I have agreed to a no-sex relationship with my subs. I am comfortable with that, as I am not looking for more sex. I have been pleased that there has been response to my request just the same, and that I can hold appeal without promising a sexual ending to my playtimes with others.

I understand that sex is a part of BDSM sometimes and has its place, but to me, true submission and Dominance is about rising above that and using that energy to move forward and become more of each. I look forward to taking that energy and using it with the sexual partners I do have, as I would hope my sub would. I also am hoping that I would have the chance to be someone in my sub's life that they rely on for care of their needs, in terms of sharing themselves. There is an importance that they can come to me with anything and I will be their guardian, of sorts.

I hope that helps some. I have no idea what is being said in the other thread.
 
:) You are awesome, RP.

Hope your week didn't end up too much work with a sick little one. Give everyone a hug!
 
BDSM is an interesting subject for me. My interest in it from a more formal and cultural standpoint is tied directly to my relationship with Redpepper. Public events and learning about the culture is something I do to share with her and can be fun. It is not a culture I would embrace if I were not in a relationship with her, but then again, neither is most sex-positive or poly stuff in general.

I learn more and more about sexuality and its diverse expressions though her, but I don't have a passion for them independently. I'm much more private, focussed and one-on-one with sexuality. I am essentially a mono-vanilla-cracker. That is where my comfort lies. That is not where she is however, and the power of our connection is worth me pushing myself in these areas within the core boundaries of our relationship. We often talk about how I would drift from the poly community if our intimate connection were broken, and BDSM is no different. I would inevitably find myself back where my nature draws me.

Maintaining a positive and helping attitude towards pursuits that are not particularly comfortable to me at times is a way to ensure that our paths do not diverge. That is the mistake I made in my previous relationship. I supported the career path my ex-wife took, but did not involve myself in it enough to maintain connection with her.

It is nice to see your partner fulfilled, but it is important to recognize who is being fulfilled. BDSM is not about my fulfillment. I accept it and want to help make sure it is done in a safe and healthy way for her.
 
I enjoy BDSM play, and love many BDSM communities because there tend to be some very cool people in them, but I was turned off of some communities because of some of the culture they have.

Franklin makes a great list of BDSM people that can be annoying and I have to laugh every time I read it:

http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdfolks.html
 
BDSM fits in strangely

Since I've just joined and don't know y'all well yet, I'm responding more to LovingRadiance's initial call for "thoughts, ideas, experiences, concerns, feelings, dreams, wishes, hopes, worries, frustrations etc on the topic", rather than replying specifically to everyone else's experiences (though it sounds like many of you are having awesome experiences that I'd love to hear more about!).

I live with my two partners, K and Z, and our relationship could be explained as a V formation. Z and I are both submissive, and K's vanilla but enjoys pleasing me. We're not exactly sure how it all works or how to satisfy each other, but we're figuring it out.

Z and I seem to be lifestyle submissives, but in completely different ways. His submission manifests as wanting to take care of someone, and mine manifests as wanting to be taken care of. He wears the apron, and I never set foot in the kitchen, and we both wind up feeling loved. In the bedroom, we each occasionally play the aggressor, boss each other around, etc., but we both prefer being the collared and scratched up one at the end of the day. I suspect we'd both enjoy more hardcore BDSM play, but we haven't found doms we'd want to claim us yet, and we're content to wait for them.

I'd love to hear more about how other people fit BDSM into their web of polylove, or don't.
 
redpepper said:
my tertiary and his woman have decided that I am not an option sexually for him. She is mono and does not want him to be sleeping with other women, even if we had a long term thing. Just feeling cast aside at the moment. He hasn't surfaced from his NRE to bother keeping me in the loop. Just as well really as he has not being having safe sex and at least I won't have to decide how to deal with that. :(

On another note I am entertaining a new sub... he is almost 20 years younger than me, fit (which is good, because I intend to make him work hard for his mistress) and very keen to please me. We are talking on line and slowly getting to the point of meeting. I am very excited.
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Things aren't going too badly. My tertiary is very much a tertiary now. We have talked at length, well, at length for him anyway, and I am totally okay that thing will be temporary as far as any kind of intimate friendship goes. It is unclear what will evolve. Apparently he called off our intimate relationship to help her feel comfortable, as she is mono. In time they will see what their relationship holds and move from there. She was fine with me being in his life, apparently.

The new sub is working out well, so far, and we are developing an understanding of what our needs are and what we could work on together. He is very excited, so I have slowed it all right down to a dribble... (Poor boy, he must obey his possible mistress.) There will be no quick off the mark, jumping in feet first stuff going on, as I want to be sure that we are a good match. We have not met in person yet. But I am leaving that for a few weeks to catch up on some other things.
 
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