Boundaries slash am I just being jealous or does my triad have something to discuss

[dunkdonutprincess]

Ok, just going to jump right in. I have a little incident that I keep thinking about and I talked to my partners a little about it, but I'm having trouble getting over it.

Just wanting maybe a little "snap or if it shoulder shake" or a helpful suggestion for mindful ways to deal with this.

Recently my partner and I started seeing someone new. Mostly we all hang out together but they have spent a little more time than I have with the new partner. (The relationship between them started a bit before I knew they were interested in me as well, but just a few days)

One evening we were all watching a TV show and just snuggling on the couch. They both fell asleep. I went upstairs to use the restroom, turn off lights, plug in my phone, etc. I was initially feeling left out and like maybe I should just let them sleep, but decided to go back downstairs to snuggle.


I ended up not, because at the stairwell I heard definite intimate sounds and kind of panicked, and went back to bed.

My partner comes upstairs a bit later because I got up again to get a glass of water and calm down. They asked me if I was ok, and that our other partner said they heard me walking around

I told them what I heard and that I was a bit hurt by it. "It sounded like you were having sex"

They didn't say anything for long enough I was pretty sure they in fact had had sex, but he clarified they were "just making out and giving little touches"

I thought at the time I was pretty ok with that, but the tension between the two of them after we had all had a little talk about it made me think maybe there was more to it.

I pressed with my partner later and probably shouldn't have, but I felt I needed to know the details so I wasn't making stuff up in my mind and spiraling about it.

They told me what had happened was making out, some under the clothes touching, and oral on him.

To me, that means they *were* having sex when I was headed downstairs.

And it felt like they were just waiting for me to leave the room before doing what they really wanted to, or even pretending to fall asleep so I'd just leave.

The parts that hurt, I guess, was that feeling, and feeling like if they both woke up and noticed I was gone, instead of immediately starting to be sexual with each other, why not wait for me to come back to bed, or my partner come to bed with me?

Later feelings came up as well, when I and our new partner got some one on one snuggle time, they fell asleep. I felt like, oh ok, so snuggling with him makes you feel like doing oral, snuggling with me is just not exciting.

Anyway, I'm open to the idea that I'm just struggling with compersion and nothing is off about this situation. I want to bring up my feelings to them since I keep thinking about it, but first wanted some less biased feedback from strangers, I guess.

 

[Tinwen]

Maybe you should trust your radar. Although maybe your new interest is not opposed to having *something* with you as well, they are more into your partner than they are into you. That's not a bad thing, unless you operate under the unrealistic assumption that the relationships should have the same intensity.

You have to decide what to do about that, if you still want to date her or not, if you only want to date her one on one or if you do want to try more threesome activities, or if you're in fact very uncomfortable with this development and need to ask your partner to break up (something that's not ever recommended in poly relationships, but if this is a very new situation you wandered in blind and find yourself somewhere you hate, the sooner the better).

They should both definitely be upfront about wanting one-on-one sexy time, though. So yes you do have something to discuss. But try to make it a conversation about wants and needs, not one about wrongdoing. Treat these experiences as an indicator, not as malice, and find out where everyone really stands with each other and what's the best way forward.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello dunkdonutprincess,

Possibly your new partner is more interested in your established partner than they are in you. There is some evidence of this, but not enough to be sure. If more evidence of it ensues, you may have to make some hard decisions about whether you want to keep dating the new partner, and about whether you even consent to your established partner dating them. Rather than wait for more evidence, you might want to sit down with them, and ask them outright if they are more interested in your established partner than they are in you. Just be aware, if the answer is "Yes," they may fib about it to spare your feelings. So if they say "No," you still might have to watch for that further evidence. It's a hard situation for you to be in.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[acinyvr]

If you bottle things up, these thoughts and feelings will just fester.
...
Speak to them both as adults. Be kind and diplomatic yet honest.

 

[Evie]

I second Tinwen that you guys all do need to communicate better, or at all, about the wants and needs of each dyad and if there is room for spontaneous sexy time between one dyad when the third person is there, including without intrusion?

Has their dyad truly been given the time and space to develop separately or are you inadvertently policing their time together? Is that a limitation of everyone's living arrangements? Can they not be the host?

Does this person actually want an intimate relationship with you or did they feel pressured into agreeing to that and now their actions are showing you the truth?

Are you prepared to bow out of this set up and go find your own separate poly partner aside from your original partner? Can you host this future person without your original partner intruding?

Honestly, your post sounds like you have a lot more to work out and give everyone involved autonomy and privacy.