Boundaries slash am I just being jealous or does my triad have something to discuss

D

dunkdonutprincess

New member
Ok, just going to jump right in. I have a little incident that I keep thinking about and I talked to my partners a little about it, but I'm having trouble getting over it.

Just wanting maybe a little "snap out of it shoulder shake" or a helpful suggestion for mindful ways to deal with this.

Recently my partner (Bob) and I started seeing someone new (Cee). Mostly we all hang out together but they have spent a little more time than I have with Cee. (The relationship between them started a bit before I knew they were interested in me as well, but just a few days.)

One evening we were all watching a TV show and just snuggling on the couch. They both fell asleep. I went upstairs to use the restroom, turn off lights, plug in my phone, etc. I was initially feeling left out and like maybe I should just let them sleep, but decided to go back downstairs to snuggle.

I ended up not, because at the stairwell I heard definite intimate sounds and kind of panicked, and went back to bed.

Bob comes upstairs a bit later because I got up again to get a glass of water and calm down. They asked me if I was ok, and that Cee said they heard me walking around

I told them what I heard and that I was a bit hurt by it. "It sounded like you were having sex"

Bob didn't say anything for long enough I was pretty sure they in fact had had sex, but he clarified they were "just making out and giving little touches."

I thought at the time I was pretty ok with that, but the tension between the two of them after we had all had a little talk about it made me think maybe there was more to it.

I pressed with Bob later and probably shouldn't have, but I felt I needed to know the details so I wasn't making stuff up in my mind and spiraling about it.

They told me what had happened was making out, some under the clothes touching, and oral on him.

To me, that means they *were* having sex when I was headed downstairs.

And it felt like they were just waiting for me to leave the room before doing what they really wanted to, or even pretending to fall asleep so I'd just leave.

The parts that hurt, I guess, were that feeling, and feeling like if they both woke up and noticed I was gone, instead of immediately starting to be sexual with each other, why not wait for me to come back to bed, or Bob come to bed with me?

Later feelings came up as well, when I and Cee got some one on one snuggle time, they fell asleep. I felt like, oh ok, so snuggling with Bob makes you feel like doing oral, snuggling with me is just not exciting.

Anyway, I'm open to the idea that I'm just struggling with compersion and nothing is off about this situation. I want to bring up my feelings to both of them since I keep thinking about it, but first wanted some less biased feedback from strangers, I guess.
 
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Maybe you should trust your radar. Although maybe your new interest is not opposed to having *something* with you as well, they are more into your partner than they are into you. That's not a bad thing, unless you operate under the unrealistic assumption that the relationships should have the same intensity.

You have to decide what to do about that, if you still want to date her or not, if you only want to date her one on one or if you do want to try more threesome activities, or if you're in fact very uncomfortable with this development and need to ask your partner to break up (something that's not ever recommended in poly relationships, but if this is a very new situation you wandered in blind and find yourself somewhere you hate, the sooner the better).

They should both definitely be upfront about wanting one-on-one sexy time, though. So yes you do have something to discuss. But try to make it a conversation about wants and needs, not one about wrongdoing. Treat these experiences as an indicator, not as malice, and find out where everyone really stands with each other and what's the best way forward.
 
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Hello dunkdonutprincess,

Possibly your new partner is more interested in your established partner than they are in you. There is some evidence of this, but not enough to be sure. If more evidence of it ensues, you may have to make some hard decisions about whether you want to keep dating the new partner, and about whether you even consent to your established partner dating them. Rather than wait for more evidence, you might want to sit down with them, and ask them outright if they are more interested in your established partner than they are in you. Just be aware, if the answer is "Yes," they may fib about it to spare your feelings. So if they say "No," you still might have to watch for that further evidence. It's a hard situation for you to be in.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
I second Tinwen that you guys all do need to communicate better, or at all, about the wants and needs of each dyad and if there is room for spontaneous sexy time between one dyad when the third person is there, including without intrusion?

Has their dyad truly been given the time and space to develop separately or are you inadvertently policing their time together? Is that a limitation of everyone's living arrangements? Can they not be the host?

Does this person actually want an intimate relationship with you or did they feel pressured into agreeing to that and now their actions are showing you the truth?

Are you prepared to bow out of this set up and go find your own separate poly partner aside from your original partner? Can you host this future person without your original partner intruding?

Honestly, your post sounds like you have a lot more to work out and give everyone involved autonomy and privacy.
 

Evie said:
I second Tinwen that you guys all do need to communicate better, or at all, about the wants and needs of each dyad and if there is room for spontaneous sexy time between one dyad when the third person is there, including without intrusion?

Has their dyad truly been given the time and space to develop separately or are you inadvertently policing their time together? Is that a limitation of everyone's living arrangements? Can they not be the host?

Does this person actually want an intimate relationship with you or did they feel pressured into agreeing to that and now their actions are showing you the truth?

Are you prepared to bow out of this set up and go find your own separate poly partner aside from your original partner? Can you host this future person without your original partner intruding?

Honestly, your post sounds like you have a lot more to work out and give everyone involved autonomy and privacy.
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You really zeroed in on the idea that they are the real couple and I'm just complicating things by being present, getting in the way of their relationship and having expectations for my relationship with Cee that they're not prepared or willing to meet.

Harsh, but maybe what I needed. I guess removing myself from the equation is probably what's best.
 
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kdt26417 said:
Hello dunkdonutprincess,

Possibly your new partner is more interested in your established partner than they are in you. There is some evidence of this, but not enough to be sure. If more evidence of it ensues, you may have to make some hard decisions about whether you want to keep dating the new partner, and about whether you even consent to your established partner dating them. Rather than wait for more evidence, you might want to sit down with them, and ask them outright if they are more interested in your established partner than they are in you. Just be aware, if the answer is "Yes," they may fib about it to spare your feelings. So if they say "No," you still might have to watch for that further evidence. It's a hard situation for you to be in.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
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I think that's what this all boils down to, a fear of being replaced, on two fronts. They seem fully caught up in NRE with each other while I'm caught in unrequited love with Cee. Complicating it is the fact that I'd been crushing on Cee for a long time and they instead chose Bob with (seemingly) me as just an afterthought.

I have some tough questions to ask and answer and I want to try to preserve everyone's feelings at the same time. It's difficult.

Thank you.
 
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Tinwen said:
Maybe you should trust your radar. Although maybe your new interest is not opposed to having *something* with you as well, they are more into your partner than they are into you. That's not a bad thing, unless you operate under the unrealistic assumption that the relationships should have the same intensity.

You have to decide what to do about that, if you still want to date her or not, if you only want to date her one on one or if you do want to try more threesome activities, or if you're in fact very uncomfortable with this development and need to ask your partner to break up (something that's not ever recommended in poly relationships, but if this is a very new situation you wandered in blind and find yourself somewhere you hate, the sooner the better).

They should both definitely be upfront about wanting one-on-one sexy time, though. So yes you do have something to discuss. But try to make it a conversation about wants and needs, not one about wrongdoing. Treat these experiences as an indicator, not as malice, and find out where everyone really stands with each other and what's the best way forward.
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That's what's really bothering me, I guess. Not feeling chosen or important to two people who are having a great time with NRE, when supposedly I'm to be included in that NRE. Feeling like I'm in the way of Cee's alone time with Bob but Cee also doesn't seem to care to pursue alone time with me.

All the verbal reassurance in the world from Cee that they do care about me doesn't help when I'm interpreting their actions as completely different.

As someone else suggested, I probably need to step back, before it is too complicated.
 
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Hi and welcome.

Mod note: I always do better with nicknames. So far you've referred to your established partner and the new one as pronouns only. "He/him" and "they/them" for your partner, and "they/them" for the new person. Since sometimes you refer to the two of them as "them," together, it gets quite confusing. Would you please choose nicknames and plug them in to your posts? You have 24 hours to edit. Thanks.
 
Since you just jumped right in here asking for advice on your situation, you may not have looked around the forum to see all our resources. We have threads on every poly topic (including triads), going back to 2008. You can do a search for triad, unicorn, new relationship energy, and things like that.

We also have a big great list of articles on polyamory in our Golden Nuggets section.


Here are two articles on triads and their hazards. I am assuming this is your first attempt at having a triad, so getting more general info about common pitfalls and how to communicate about them should help.

www.readyforpolyamory.com

Triad or V - What's More Complicated?

I get a lot of people new to polyamory insisting that they must date together, or meet people together, because it "will be less complicated." I see this in comments on social media, on dating app profiles, on couple's profiles on social media (that black and red one that starts with an F...
www.readyforpolyamory.com www.readyforpolyamory.com

davidlnoble.livejournal.com

So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?

This article is a long, technical discussion of what being a "Unicorn Hunter" means, what's wrong with it, and how people in such a situation can try to avoid the negative stereotypes associated with such behavior and get the things that they are ultimately looking for. It is written in a…
davidlnoble.livejournal.com davidlnoble.livejournal.com

Here is a big consolidated thread with tips and advice for triads:

 
Magdlyn said:
Hi and welcome.

Mod note: I always do better with nicknames. So far you've referred to your established partner and the new one as pronouns only. "He/him" and "they/them" for your partner, and "they/them" for the new person. Since sometimes you refer to the two of them as "them," together, it gets quite confusing. Would you please choose nicknames and plug them in to your posts? You have 24 hours to edit. Thanks.
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Sorry about that, fixed now hopefully.
 
Magdlyn said:
Since you just jumped right in here asking for advice on your situation, you may not have looked around the forum to see all our resources. We have threads on every poly topic (including triads), going back to 2008. You can do a search for triad, unicorn, new relationship energy, and things like that.

We also have a big great list of articles on polyamory in our Golden Nuggets section.


Here are two articles on triads and their hazards. I am assuming this is your first attempt at having a triad, so getting more general info about common pitfalls and how to communicate about them should help.

www.readyforpolyamory.com

Triad or V - What's More Complicated?

I get a lot of people new to polyamory insisting that they must date together, or meet people together, because it "will be less complicated." I see this in comments on social media, on dating app profiles, on couple's profiles on social media (that black and red one that starts with an F...
www.readyforpolyamory.com www.readyforpolyamory.com

davidlnoble.livejournal.com

So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?

This article is a long, technical discussion of what being a "Unicorn Hunter" means, what's wrong with it, and how people in such a situation can try to avoid the negative stereotypes associated with such behavior and get the things that they are ultimately looking for. It is written in a…
davidlnoble.livejournal.com davidlnoble.livejournal.com

Here is a big consolidated thread with tips and advice for triads:

Click to expand...
Thank you for the resources, I did have a look around but still felt a bit lost.

This isn't my first triad, but the last one ended quite badly after my relationship with the third fizzled.

So that just adds to my anxiety here, I'm just not a desirable partner/good at poly or something. I was trying to bring up my feelings as they came up, in reasonable discussions, to hopefully avoid another fizzle, but maybe having issues this early is just another warning sign that I need to step away and let them be happy.

Even if that's what I want for them, it still sucks in the moment. Maybe that doesn't make sense to people who are better at poly relationships but that's how I feel.
 
dunkdonutprincess said:
Thank you for the resources, I did have a look around but still felt a bit lost.
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Well, keep reading. It should help.
dunkdonutprincess said:
This isn't my first triad, but the last one ended quite badly after my relationship with the third fizzled.

So that just adds to my anxiety here, I'm just not a desirable partner/good at poly or something.
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Oh! Maybe you think the only way to do polyamory is in triad. A couple gets with a unicorn and everyone dates and does sex as a unit. Except of course you and Bob continue as a couple, dating, sex, sleeping together, domestic stuff.

This is not correct. Polyamory means loving more than one. Love might not be there yet between you and Cee, or Bob and Cee. It's early days. But you and Bob don't both need to date the same person for it to be polyamory. You can date other people as an individual. Bob can date others one-on-one. Cee can date Bob, and Dave, and William, and/or Rosalind.

Triads are the hardest way to do polyamory, because, as the articles explain, feelings between each dyad never develop at the same pace.

It does suck that you were crushing on Cee first, and they seem to be more attracted to Bob. I can see being jealous/envious about that, for sure! You should talk to them both about this. Lean into the hard talks. Don't shy away. The feelings will just fester.
dunkdonutprincess said:
I was trying to bring up my feelings as they came up, in reasonable discussions, to hopefully avoid another fizzle, but maybe having issues this early is just another warning sign that I need to step away and let them be happy.
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Hard to step away when you hear sex sounds coming from the living room! Especially when you're envious and Bob is maybe neglecting you, and also downplaying what he's actually doing. Oral sex is sex, ffs. Grow up.
dunkdonutprincess said:
Even if that's what I want for them, it still sucks in the moment. Maybe that doesn't make sense to people who are better at poly relationships but that's how I feel.
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No, it makes perfect sense. And polyamory does not mean group sex. It just means romantically loving more than one person. In fact, some (rare) people are asexual, but still fall in love with more than one person, without even wanting sex.
 
Magdlyn said:
Well, keep reading. It should help.

Oh! Maybe you think the only way to do polyamory is in triad. A couple gets with a unicorn and everyone dates and does sex as a unit. Except of course you and Bob continue as a couple, dating, sex, sleeping together, domestic stuff.

This is not correct. Polyamory means loving more than one. Love might not be there yet between you and Cee, or Bob and Cee. It's early days. But you and Bob don't both need to date the same person for it to be polyamory. You can date other people as an individual. Bob can date others one-on-one. Cee can date Bob, and Dave, and William, and/or Rosalind.

Triads are the hardest way to do polyamory, because, as the articles explain, feelings between each dyad never develop at the same pace.

It does suck that you were crushing on Cee first, and they seem to be more attracted to Bob. I can see being jealous/envious about that, for sure! You should talk to them both about this. Lean into the hard talks. Don't shy away. The feelings will just fester.

Hard to step away when you hear sex sounds coming from the living room! Especially when you're envious, and Bob is maybe neglecting you, and also downplaying what he's actually doing. Oral sex is sex, ffs. Grow up.

No, it makes perfect sense. And polyamory does not mean group sex. It just means romantically loving more than one person. In fact, some (rare) people are asexual, but still fall in love with more than one person, without even wanting sex.
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Thank you so much for all your insight. I will keep reading, there are so many good resources here; I just find talking things out to help me process more. Sometimes just reading things can further my spiral instead of breaking me out of it.

I was in a vee before, that turned into a triad, the triad fizzled and it was hard for a while but we worked through it and went back to a vee. I thought if I could work through that and have open conversations in that kind of situation, this would work, with someone we are both good friends with.

Cee is also married, but we aren't involved with their spouse romantically. We do all hang out as friends.

I think I didn't explain my jealousy well, it wasn't about me being left out of the sex, but more about not being chosen/desired by Cee, and them seeming to prefer being with Bob in most situations. I felt like they were both being dishonest about it, when in a relationship like ours, sneaking around isn't necessary. (Also one week prior Bob had stayed behind to snuggle with Cee, and said he wasn't going to stay all night and would be up to bed shortly. He came to bed at 4:30 AM, and I explained that to me, that wasn't shortly and in the future please come sleep with me in the bed unless we've communicated other arrangements.)

Anyway, triads are a lot of work, I know. I just liked Cee so much I wanted to give it a chance. I think that's why I'm being so stubborn about it even though it seems like the best thing for everyone (though heartbreaking for me right now and a lot to work through) will be for me to break up with Cee and let them have the relationship they actually want, just with Bob.
 
Okay. I understand you want to vent, and that is natural and very healthy, to get all the anxiety just out of your head and onto the screen. I don't mean to stop you. I wanted to make sure you had a wee bit of background about the trouble(s) with triads.

This situation is very hard, you having a crush on Cee, but Cee preferring your husband Bob. I am so sorry. I think there are a few things that could be done.

The best solution, imo, would be for Bob to just go over to Cee's house and let Cee host him overnight there. I don't know if that would be okay with Cee's husband, but it's only fair. Cee's husband doesn't have a crush on Bob!

Otherwise, if that is out of the question, Cee and Bob could go get a hotel room sometimes. Or heck, you could go to a hotel and pamper yourself with some me-time, showering, lotions, etc. Bring your vibrator.

(Meanwhile, during his NRE, Bob should be pampering you, as well, taking you on special dates, making you still feel juicy and wanted! This is "How to Handle NRE 101.")

Do you have a second bedroom? If it's all out in the open that Bob and Cee want to fuck and spent the night cuddling in each other's arms, they could just be upfront about it, and spend the whole night in the second bedroom. Then you don't have to wait and wonder when Bob will come to bed with you, if he will at all, and you won't have your sleep disturbed when he does come to bed. Wear headphones if the walls are thin.

Leaving the poly and sex out of it, both my partners are night owls. I go to bed around midnight. Sometimes Pixi is here and other times Aries is here. They both usually come to bed around 2:30. If they fall asleep on the couch while watching TV, and it gets past 2:30, I've told them to just stay on the couch. I can get back to sleep when they come to bed at 2:30, but much past that, I usually can't, or I struggle to. If it's 4am, I am awake for the day, and I hate that!
 
I don't know if this helps you any.

It sounds like if you are going to continue to triad? You could leave it at dyad dates 1:1, and only occasional triad group dates or none at all. If you have triad group dates? No sex/making out/sleepovers yet. It's too soon. People can make out/share sex when they have their 1:1 dates and 1:1 sleepovers. Not on triad dates.

If you are going to do sleepovers? Be clear ahead of time of who is going to sleep where and when bed time is for people. All separate? Two paired off and one on their own? All three together? Are there enough beds/bedrooms?

And that's SLEEP. Not sex. You talk about making out/sex separately. If there's going to be dyad sex or triad sex, it can be in bedrooms with the door closed and not in common areas like the living room. The person not involved should be able to go get a drink of water or something without seeing things they don't want to see.

It's all new so stick with "formal good manners" right now. Extra polite never hurt anyone. Where things being assumed or too "loosey goosey" can trip people up.

If triad model is not your cup of tea? Bow out early and from this point on do not date the same people as Bob. Even if the potential is attracted to both of you and asks you both out? You decline because you don't want to date the same people as Bob.

That doesn't mean you are not cut out for polyamory. It just means you don't want triads. That's ok.

Triads are not a requirement in polyamory. Neither are group dates or group sex.

Galagirl
 
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