Burnt out by triad--now what?

Vesper

New member
So my partner Gideon and I were long distance for several years. He started dating his partner Jaymie before I was able to confess romantically to him, so adding Jaymie into our childhood-long friendship was a bit awkward for me--especially since I got a terribly rude impression of them when I was first introduced. Jaymie already identified as poly back then, so when I did confess, I pitched the idea of joining the existing relationship, with everyone's consent and communication.

While Gideon remained long distance, I ended up moving in with Jaymie and we finally hit it off. I was even falling for them. But when Gideon was able to move in with us, it turned out Jaymie had been putting on a false persona. They immediately became insecure, jealous and angry over our connection now that it was in person and impossible to ignore. They lashed out about any shared intimacy, accused us of dating behind their back (VERY much never true), and things like that, to the point where we felt like we had to hide our affections with each other (e.g., no kissing in front of Jaymie, etc). It caused a lot of fights and obviously I lost all trust in them. For a while I was talking to Gideon about whether their relationship seemed healthy to continue.

Ultimately, they are still together. But now I am stuck in a situation where I live with a person who made me feel very unhappy and unsafe (mentally) in my own home, while they claim I am one of their best friends. It's clear my needs will not be met, not by either of them. I need to just break up with Gideon and move out but I don't have the money yet, and while I'd like to try dating again, I've never done that before (all of my previous relationships have formed from close friendships, and I haven't met any new friends lately). I've also never really broken up with someone and I'm afraid of it coming off as an emotional attack. We're all young and stupid, honestly. I just need advice.

I should also add I don't hate either of them and I hope none have come off as villains. We're all going through a lot mentally, but their behavior is putting too much of a strain on me trying to live my life.

Tl;dr metamour fucked up the relationship but partner remains loyal to them, and there's no getting away to breathe because we all live together. I want to break up and move on and I don't know how. Help!
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
Your metamour didn't fuck up the relationship, you all seem to have pretty toxic ideas and actions.

Firstly, you didn't "add" your metamour to your friendship. Your friend got a new partner. The fact you see it the way you do is indicative of your own faulty logic. Secondly, I hope it's a typo where you said that you were speaking to your partner about whether "their" relationship is healthy to continue. Because that's not your place. I'm hoping you meant "the" relationship and you're talking about yourself.

I think you were all naive about this, and it blew up. It sounds like this type of adult love in relationship, even monogamously, might be a little bit too much for you guys right now. No rush. Nobody gets a medal for playing house badly.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I hope you feel better for airing some of that out.

I need to just break up with Gideon and move out but I don't have the money yet,

If the goal is to break up and move out, I imagine the first step while saving up money is to ask yourself... is it better for me to keep it to myself for now? Or tell them my intention to move out/break up now, and deal with living with STBX's reacting or responding to the news like ___?

Is this a rental? Maybe that affects your choice. If the lease is up soon, maybe you just say nothing at do the minimum 30 days notice that you do not intend to renew the lease with them when the time comes.

I've also never really broken up with someone and I'm afraid of it coming off as an emotional attack. We're all young and stupid, honestly. I just need advice.

As for the actual break up? Could be short and polite. Maybe something like

"I need to make you aware. This isn't working out for me. I am breaking up. I intend to move out. I don't hate anyone. I know we were going through a lot mentally. It just isn't working out, so I think it's best accept that and part ways peacefully."​

That is short, simple, and not attacking anyone. Then you just make your arrangements to move on.

Galagirl
 
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Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I'm sorry you are in two relationships that are no longer fulfilling.

Here's the thing: polyamory does not mean "adding a third" to an already existing relationship. Each relationship is its own thing. There was absolutely no need for you to date Jaymie, much less live with them! Why did you do that? You didn't know them. It sounds like you and Jaymie lived near each other, and for some reason, probably financial, or maybe because former roommates weren't working out, decided that since you both loved Gideon, you would form your own romantic/sexual relationship, and move in together, just based on your shared lover.

You see now that this went horribly wrong. Perhaps if you had never made this choice to become roommates and try to force yourselves to become lovers for Gideon's sake, you'd both still be able to be with Gideon...

My point is this: most poly relationships, the huge majority, are not triad-shaped. They are V-shaped, or N-shaped, if the polycule is larger than 3.

My next point is: do not move in with a new lover until you have known each other at least a year. You see that Jaymie was just going along to get along. They were not actually joyfully consenting to sharing Gideon. They were pretending to like you, be attracted to you, love you, just to avoid losing Gideon. And now Gideon is back with them, and their true colors have come out.

I hope you can save money and move out soon, and find a nice platonic roommate or two. If you want to go back to monogamy, that is fine. Most of us know how to do that. If you want to pursue healthy polyamory, read up online, listen to podcasts and read this book: Opening Up.

Good luck in the dating world, when you feel ready for it. I wouldn't blame you for wanting to stay single for a while to heal from this betrayal and extreme awkwardness.
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Vesper,

Sorry you are going through this. It seems to me that the thing to focus on is saving up the money for the breakup you know has to happen. Jaymie is a jealous person, and is not inclined to share Gideon. Gideon is not inclined to break up with Jaymie. This means that you must remove yourself from the equation. I hope I'm wrong of course, but that doesn't seem likely.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 

Vesper

New member
Thanks for your input, guys, I guess I've confused some of you, but since I've never been in this situation--how do you pick a roommate? That's all me and Jaymie were supposed to be originally, no one thought anything would happen, we just knew each other as acquaintances. I can't imagine living with a stranger even though I will probably end up needing a roommate now.
And yes we have broken up now.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
While no break up is fun, I'm glad you are broken up now and moving things forward.

Based on this experience you might make a personal boundary like "I don't live with metas. I also do not date my roomie, or my roomie's dating partners even if everyone is poly. I want to keep roomies as roomies only."

You can google articles "how to find roommate" and it will turn up stuff like


Where if you google "roommate interview questions" it will turn up stuff like


I suggest you do some Google searches and read some of those and collect the things that matter to you in one document to help you plan.

One of my friends used some kind of online roomie matching service after his divorce. You could also check locally to see if anyone does that where you are like community boards.

Galagirl
 
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Eponine

Active member
I have a friend who found a roommate on roomiematch.com. You can pay a small membership fee to get a better chance of finding someone. There are a bunch of similar websites, like roommates.com. There may also be Facebook groups for people to find housing/roommates in your local area.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Thanks for your input, guys, I guess I've confused some of you, but since I've never been in this situation--how do you pick a roommate? That's all me and Jaymie were supposed to be originally, no one thought anything would happen, we just knew each other as acquaintances. I can't imagine living with a stranger even though I will probably end up needing a roommate now.
And yes we have broken up now.
Others have addressed your general roommate question, so I'll focus on what you said about Jaymie. You two had met through Gideon and both needed a roommate, so you decided to bunk in together. In hindsight you can see that the hazards of sharing a lover were big obstacle to being good roommates. You made the mistake of starting to sleep with (have sex with) your metamour. Probably the intimacy of sharing a partner and sharing an apartment caused an initial attraction. But it was shallow, and Jaymie betrayed your relationship when Gideon became available again.

Trying to do polyamory in your 20s can be difficult. We don't know our own adult selves very well. We are not experienced in basic life skills adults need. Even monogamous dating can be difficult. Add one or two more people into dating (as in a V, a triad, or an N shape) and all the moving parts can be extremely overwhelming. Excellent communication skills are a must. Also, you need to understand how to delay gratification, keep everything in balance, and respect your own boundaries.

Again, I recommend reading "Opening Up." It contains a wealth of relationship scenarios and advice.
 

Vesper

New member
Others have addressed your general roommate question, so I'll focus on what you said about Jaymie. You two had met through Gideon and both needed a roommate, so you decided to bunk in together. In hindsight you can see that the hazards of sharing a lover were big obstacle to being good roommates. You made the mistake of starting to sleep with (have sex with) your metamour. Probably the intimacy of sharing a partner and sharing an apartment caused an initial attraction. But it was shallow, and Jaymie betrayed your relationship when Gideon became available again.

Trying to do polyamory in your 20s can be difficult. We don't know our own adult selves very well. We are not experienced in basic life skills adults need. Even monogamous dating can be difficult. Add one or two more people into dating (as in a V, a triad, or an N shape) and all the moving parts can be extremely overwhelming. Excellent communication skills are a must. Also, you need to understand how to delay gratification, keep everything in balance, and respect your own boundaries.

Again, I recommend reading "Opening Up." It contains a wealth of relationship scenarios and advice.
You hit the nail on the head. I think instant gratification was my problem with Jaymie and disrespecting my own boundaries was my problem with Gideon. After a lot of time to think, I've come to the conclusion that he sees other people's boundaries as a threat rather than an accent to a relationship. He's always tried to find ways around the only things I need if he doesn't want to agree with them.

That sounds like a good book, I'll see if my library has it.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
After a lot of time to think, I've come to the conclusion that he sees other people's boundaries as a threat rather than an accent to a relationship. He's always tried to find ways around the only things I need if he doesn't want to agree with them.

Some people are like that. They view other's people's boundaries as a challenge, something to break down, something to ignore, etc.

The thing is, you don't make your personal boundaries for others to obey. You make them for YOU to obey to help keep you safe.

So if someone keeps on dinging you even after you ask them stop? You say to yourself "No, this is not for me." And maybe you walk away and don't hang around that person any more. You do what you need to do to remove yourself and make yourself "undingable."

Galagirl
 

Vesper

New member
The day after the breakup, my ex took my pet rabbit to the SPCA while I was petsitting and claimed abuse/neglect. This is. Beyond petty. I'm so disappointed. I have people standing by to adopt the rabbit back when it becomes available (either it died from dehydration sustained when Gideon was supposed to be taking care of it, like I've taken care of his pets before or is simply being spayed) in case I'm blacklisted. I told Gideon he crossed a line and I cannot trust him anymore. He asked me to move out. I would rather keep the house, and both our names are on the lease. I know this isn't super poly relevant anymore, but does anyone know, is there anything I can do?
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
If I were you, I'd move out and leave the bad memories behind with the house. Your original plan was to go find a house with roommates. Go do that, it's actually really easy to live with strangers - it's quite the norm here. You go to see the house, meet the people, suss out the room, agree on the monthly price and how bills are split, and how the kitchen and bathroom sharing works in the house, and if they seem cruisy, you move in asap.
 

Vesper

New member
I'm still proceeding with that as Plan A, unfortunately with school starting back up properties were all but snatched before the breakup conversation even happened. I don't have anywhere to go, not long term.
 

mountaingirl

Active member
The day after the breakup, my ex took my pet rabbit to the SPCA while I was petsitting and claimed abuse/neglect. This is. Beyond petty. I'm so disappointed. I have people standing by to adopt the rabbit back when it becomes available (either it died from dehydration sustained when Gideon was supposed to be taking care of it, like I've taken care of his pets before or is simply being spayed) in case I'm blacklisted. I told Gideon he crossed a line and I cannot trust him anymore. He asked me to move out. I would rather keep the house, and both our names are on the lease. I know this isn't super poly relevant anymore, but does anyone know, is there anything I can do?
wow lol
just know you can get unblacklisted. my mom was reported by SPCA when she turned in a stray with cigarette burns in here ears :( she just had to explain herself and fill out some paperwork.
I agree with Evie. I would just leave. the legal battle is not worth staying in a house that you have so many shat memories in, and you could potentially be stuck paying rent by yourself if you can't find roommates. Gideon is inadvertently doing you a favor by making it easy for you to leave. living with randos can go better, about as well or just as bad as living with people you know, as this situation might have taught you lol. as long as you can all pay rent and stay respectful it's an acceptable living situation imo.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Wow! What a terrible thing to do with the rabbit!

He asked me to move out. I would rather keep the house, and both our names are on the lease. I know this isn't super poly relevant anymore, but does anyone know, is there anything I can do?

I'd check your lease to double check what is on there. And then talk to your lease people first before addressing this. Cuz you have your end of the lease contract to maintain.

Sounds like you don't want to move. Since you want to keep the house... could say "I have thought about it. I am on the lease. I'd like to keep the house" to Gideon. Then offer a calm counter proposal. "Would you consider moving out if I pay your "breaking lease early" fees?And you know the options because you already talked to the lease people.

That might be another way to go. And if you do keep the house, pay/ask landlord to change the locks. Just so Gideon can't come wandering in here again if he made extra copies of house key.

Galagirl
 
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Vesper

New member
Thank you so much for your suggestions. I'm still looking for housing but it's really good to know my options. It's less stress to go through with all this knowing I have several plans (and people to stay with in an emergency).
 
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