Burnt out by triad--now what?

Vesper

New member
So my partner Gideon and I were long distance for several years. He started dating his partner Jaymie before I was able to confess romantically to him, so adding Jaymie into our childhood-long friendship was a bit awkward for me--especially since I got a terribly rude impression of them when I was first introduced. Jaymie already identified as poly back then, so when I did confess, I pitched the idea of joining the existing relationship, with everyone's consent and communication.

While Gideon remained long distance, I ended up moving in with Jaymie and we finally hit it off. I was even falling for them. But when Gideon was able to move in with us, it turned out Jaymie had been putting on a false persona. They immediately became insecure, jealous and angry over our connection now that it was in person and impossible to ignore. They lashed out about any shared intimacy, accused us of dating behind their back (VERY much never true), and things like that, to the point where we felt like we had to hide our affections with each other (e.g., no kissing in front of Jaymie, etc). It caused a lot of fights and obviously I lost all trust in them. For a while I was talking to Gideon about whether their relationship seemed healthy to continue.

Ultimately, they are still together. But now I am stuck in a situation where I live with a person who made me feel very unhappy and unsafe (mentally) in my own home, while they claim I am one of their best friends. It's clear my needs will not be met, not by either of them. I need to just break up with Gideon and move out but I don't have the money yet, and while I'd like to try dating again, I've never done that before (all of my previous relationships have formed from close friendships, and I haven't met any new friends lately). I've also never really broken up with someone and I'm afraid of it coming off as an emotional attack. We're all young and stupid, honestly. I just need advice.

I should also add I don't hate either of them and I hope none have come off as villains. We're all going through a lot mentally, but their behavior is putting too much of a strain on me trying to live my life.

Tl;dr metamour fucked up the relationship but partner remains loyal to them, and there's no getting away to breathe because we all live together. I want to break up and move on and I don't know how. Help!
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
Your metamour didn't fuck up the relationship, you all seem to have pretty toxic ideas and actions.

Firstly, you didn't "add" your metamour to your friendship. Your friend got a new partner. The fact you see it the way you do is indicative of your own faulty logic. Secondly, I hope it's a typo where you said that you were speaking to your partner about whether "their" relationship is healthy to continue. Because that's not your place. I'm hoping you meant "the" relationship and you're talking about yourself.

I think you were all naive about this, and it blew up. It sounds like this type of adult love in relationship, even monogamously, might be a little bit too much for you guys right now. No rush. Nobody gets a medal for playing house badly.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I hope you feel better for airing some of that out.

I need to just break up with Gideon and move out but I don't have the money yet,

If the goal is to break up and move out, I imagine the first step while saving up money is to ask yourself... is it better for me to keep it to myself for now? Or tell them my intention to move out/break up now, and deal with living with STBX's reacting or responding to the news like ___?

Is this a rental? Maybe that affects your choice. If the lease is up soon, maybe you just say nothing at do the minimum 30 days notice that you do not intend to renew the lease with them when the time comes.

I've also never really broken up with someone and I'm afraid of it coming off as an emotional attack. We're all young and stupid, honestly. I just need advice.

As for the actual break up? Could be short and polite. Maybe something like

"I need to make you aware. This isn't working out for me. I am breaking up. I intend to move out. I don't hate anyone. I know we were going through a lot mentally. It just isn't working out, so I think it's best accept that and part ways peacefully."​

That is short, simple, and not attacking anyone. Then you just make your arrangements to move on.

Galagirl
 
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Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I'm sorry you are in two relationships that are no longer fulfilling.

Here's the thing: polyamory does not mean "adding a third" to an already existing relationship. Each relationship is its own thing. There was absolutely no need for you to date Jaymie, much less live with them! Why did you do that? You didn't know them. It sounds like you and Jaymie lived near each other, and for some reason, probably financial, or maybe because former roommates weren't working out, decided that since you both loved Gideon, you would form your own romantic/sexual relationship, and move in together, just based on your shared lover.

You see now that this went horribly wrong. Perhaps if you had never made this choice to become roommates and try to force yourselves to become lovers for Gideon's sake, you'd both still be able to be with Gideon...

My point is this: most poly relationships, the huge majority, are not triad-shaped. They are V-shaped, or N-shaped, if the polycule is larger than 3.

My next point is: do not move in with a new lover until you have known each other at least a year. You see that Jaymie was just going along to get along. They were not actually joyfully consenting to sharing Gideon. They were pretending to like you, be attracted to you, love you, just to avoid losing Gideon. And now Gideon is back with them, and their true colors have come out.

I hope you can save money and move out soon, and find a nice platonic roommate or two. If you want to go back to monogamy, that is fine. Most of us know how to do that. If you want to pursue healthy polyamory, read up online, listen to podcasts and read this book: Opening Up.

Good luck in the dating world, when you feel ready for it. I wouldn't blame you for wanting to stay single for a while to heal from this betrayal and extreme awkwardness.
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Vesper,

Sorry you are going through this. It seems to me that the thing to focus on is saving up the money for the breakup you know has to happen. Jaymie is a jealous person, and is not inclined to share Gideon. Gideon is not inclined to break up with Jaymie. This means that you must remove yourself from the equation. I hope I'm wrong of course, but that doesn't seem likely.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
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