Casual Dating No Sex With Me But With His Ex

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paramour

New member
Anyone experienced a situation in which you were seeking a person to casually date and have casual sex with but it turns out that that person can only have sex with his ex and not you? Get it clear I'm NOT searching for a partner, just a friend I can have sex with

This isn't exactly a strictly poly situation, but since I am poly and I realize the nature of the situation is poly-like.

I am at a loss because I am not sure how to react or deal with this situation as I am poly but also can't help feeling a bit annoyed by the situation at hand.

So I am single and I have decided to go forth and explore the world of casual dating and casual sex. I recently met a guy who has become a great friend to me thus far. He and I have also become very intimate without any previous expectation of being so.

We have become so close that we often kiss and hug and go as far as foreplay together. I waited for awhile for him to initiate sex, but he never did. I didn't have too much a of a problem with him not having sex with me up until his ex (whom he dated for 7 years) began to realize that he and I were hanging out.

It was then that he started to hang around her more. They had only been separated for about 4 months at this point. I didn't have any issue with her but she did with me for some unknown reason. Then one night when they went out together, they had sex. I'll admit even the first time I didn't have too much of an issue with it and could understand him having unplanned sex with his ex. Yet, when it happened a second time, all the while he and I were hanging out and being close to sex several times. Finally he told me he wasn't ready for sex with me.

I have to admit that I'm more than a bit chaffed at this situation since he and I keep building up physically and then I feel kind of left out. This is because he can just go on and have sex with his ex while I am left without anyone I know whom I would have sex with who isn't an hour and a half away. Not to mention all the other guys I've had to go through to find someone I'd want to have sex with.

I also have to point out that he was saying that he's trying to make new friends besides his ex and her friends. So I never had an inkling he would go back to her.

So, what do you think? Am I wrong for being annoyed by his wanting to sleep with his ex but continue to be so intimate with me without sex? I mean I understand maybe I'm putting too much expectation on the situation. I also realize it's not an issue to be with an ex physically if you're ok with parameters as well. It's also not wrong to not be ready for sex. I just feel so left wanting whenever we are together it's a bit stressful to know he goes and has sex with someone he separated from for good. If they were still dating, not an issue.

How would you handle the situation? Any words of wisdom? Any perspective?
 
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I am sorry you struggle.

Let me repeat back what I understand so far. You correct me if I get it wrong, ok?

BACKGROUND

  • You started to date a guy recently. You'd like to share sex but for the moment it is hugs, kisses, and foreplay/making out. He's told you that he's not ready for full on sex with you.
  • You learn he's got a sex pal. (Who is exGF, current lover. ) Let's call her Lady. They have known each other 7 years. He is willing to have full on sex with her. (Because he's known her longer?)
  • You feel envious of her.
    • He is not dating her any more but is still willing to share full on sex with her at this time.
    • He is dating you, but he's not ready to share that with you. You want the opportunities she has with him for yourself. (sex)
  • You feel envious of him. He's got a handy sex partner (the Lady). You do not have another partner to share casual sex with to take the edge off.
  • You feel blindsided because you didn't know him going back to Lady was a possibility.

Am I wrong for being annoyed by his wanting to sleep with his ex but continue to be so intimate with me without sex?
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You feel what you feel. It's neither wrong nor right.

How would you handle the situation? Any words of wisdom? Any perspective?
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To me feelings ensue after behavior. If I don't like how I feel, I try to change my behavior. Be it thinking behavior or action behavior.

I just feel so left wanting whenever we are together it's a bit stressful to know he goes and has sex with someone he separated from for good. If they were still dating, not an issue.
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THOUGHTS: So they are not dating? She's his sex friend? What about that makes a difference to you? The dating vs not dating? What are you thinking there that is causing your upset?

THOUGHTS: If knowing his sex details with other people stresses you out? Do not ask, and ask him not to tell you. It's enough to know he's got other lovers, but you don't need to know when exactly their sex is happening if it just messes with your head/stress level. Keep it to calendar and sex health labs. The rest is TMI details. Talk to him about how to handle information management.

ACTIONS: if making out with him leads you to sexual frustration that you do not like? Don't make out with him any more. See if that feels any better.

ACTIONS: To solve this...

I am left without anyone I know whom I would have sex with who isn't an hour and a half away.
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...Could get out more and mingle. Get to know more local people.

Try to keep it simple on yourself.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
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Reply to Galagirl

Sorry, I've yet to read through your reply, but I want to get this straight. This girl is his EX-GIRLFRIEND who he recently broke up with and doesn't plan to get back together with at all.
 
Sounds like he's not ready to move on from his relationship with her. I personally would stop seeing him. I'd worry about falling in love with someone who is emotionally unavailable. Maybe when he's over her he can give you a call.

I don't necessarily think being a rebound has to be a bad thing provided they are ready. Nate got out of a 2 year relationship a couple months before we met and I had gotten out of an 11 year relationship and we've been together for 6.5 years. Sam on the other hand had been single 5 years after a 7 year relationship. Some people just need longer time to heal from a break up than others
 
I really don't see what the dilemma is. You want sex, he's not ready, it seems you don't want to wait until he is ready, so... obviously you need to look elsewhere if you wanna get laid sooner rather than later. Whether you continue to play kissy-face with him is up to you, but if it feels like torture, why do it?,,,
 
Thank you.

I updated above that she is his exGF, and current sex partner.

It does not change my suggestions though.

Galagirl
 
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paramour said:
Sorry, I've yet to read through your reply, but I want to get this straight. This girl is his EX-GIRLFRIEND who he recently broke up with and doesn't plan to get back together with at all.
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That doesn't matter. Lots of people hook up with their ex for a while. Its like ripping off a bandaid slowly. Sometimes it's easier to let go of someone that way. Still doesn't change things though, he's still hung up on her and not ready for sex with new people
 
I'm not sure why his relationship with her is relevant. There's no reason to be comparing how he is with her to how he is with you. just because he feels comfortable enough to have sex with her, someone who he has a long history with, doesn't have any bearing on whether he's ready or wants to have sex with you. I think there's no reason to even think about what they're doing unless he's being faithful to her, in which case you might feel like it was time to move on.
 
paramour said:
Finally he told me he wasn't ready for sex with me.
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This is the only point that matters. Whatever else he does with his time and penis is his business, not yours. He's recently out of a serious relationship, give him some time. Respect his needs.

You're horny and you want intercourse. That's fine. He's told you he is not ready to participate in intercourse at this time. That's fine too. So you could tell him that you appreciate his honesty, that you're ready and willing any time he feels ready, and meanwhile you can go find some other friendly penis to satisfy your desires.

Whether you keep making out or not is up to you. Maybe if you drop the expectation of intercourse, you'll be able to enjoy making out for what it is, rather than viewing it as foreplay to some other main event.

Who knows why they broke up, but it doesn't seem like they hate each other. Maybe they found they just aren't romantically compatible, but they can be friends with benefits. But 4 months after 7 years, there's still going to be feelings there. She's comfortable and familiar.
 
Hi paramour,

Firstly, I think that it's important to bear in mind that existing dynamics are existing dynamics regardless of what the labels are. Even if this guy (let's just call him Guy) and his ex are not in an official relationship any more, it's not uncommon for people to continue sharing sex (or other intimacies) after a breakup. What they want to do is really between them. The way their dynamic works is up to them. It shouldn't and doesn't have to fit into categories such as 'together' or 'not together'.

When you think about it, there is logic there. Guy is already comfortable sharing sex with his ex - they've already established that intimacy. Guy hasn't established that intimacy with you yet. Additionally, the idea of sharing sex with you may be emotionally painful for him if he's not over his former partner yet.

Perhaps you live by a rule that exes stay in the past? Perhaps that rule is not the same for Guy. For me personally, I never fully close a door. Therefore, I can understand why someone would want to continue hooking up with an ex. I have a number of exes I would still have sex with tomorrow if they wanted to / were able to. This would have no bearing on any new relationships I'd formed. Each relationship is unique and moves at its own pace.

In terms of you and the ex - I'd advise not getting caught up in unnecessary drama. Their interaction belongs to them and your interaction with Guy belongs to the two of you. Whether the ex is threatened by you, doesn't like what she hears about you, doesn't think anything of you, or was incentivised to start things up again with Guy because of you, it doesn't really matter. You can either lose the focus on her or, if appropriate, speak to her and try to clear up any bad blood.

For what it's worth, I do understand your frustrations. You want to have a friend you can have sex with. You've found someone you like, but he's not ready to have sex with you yet, so your want is not being met. On top of that, he's having sex with someone else - that stings. You feel annoyed that you are not finding sexual release, yet he has sexual release.

It's ok to feel annoyed, frustrated, upset, fed up, and any other emotion you feel. Negative emotions are great things for self-survival: they alert us to the existence of situations that don't serve us well.

In your case, your situation clearly isn't serving you well. I see two possible avenues forward:

1. You continue with Guy, but change your perspective. Let things go and allow things to develop at their own pace. Patience may bring you the fulfilling FWB situation you seek!

2. You end things with Guy. Perhaps you don't want to get involved with someone who has unfinished business. Perhaps you don't want to risk waiting and getting hurt or remaining unfulfilled.

Ultimately, it is Guy's prerogative to move at his own pace with you and move at his own pace with the ex. It is your prerogative to stay in the current situation and wait, or leave the situation if it does not serve you well.
 
Hi paramour,

I don't know why the guy you're seeing has returned to his ex, and I don't know why he's having sex with his ex, but I suppose it's his privilege to decide what to do with his own body. I can imagine how frustrating the situation must be for you, and I wonder if foreplay is a good idea. I would consider telling him that you don't want to do foreplay until he's ready to have sex with you.

I hope the situation will resolve in a way that is satisfactory for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I am going to offer another perspective.

What Guy and Lady do is up to them. Personally, when I break up with someone, we remain broken up. Perhaps there can be some friendship salvaged after some time has passed, but sex with an ex is confusing to me. I have to wonder how over her he is. Whether they are going to become a real couple again...

Ask him!

Now, you say you and he do certain sexual behaviors just short of intercourse. If you really like/lust for this guy, can you get orgasms from anything other than the penis in vagina play he is not ready for? Do you cum from fingering, oral? Would he be willing to use a dildo or vibrator on you, or keep kissing you, sucking nipples, etc., while you get off with your fingers or using a vibe on yourself? Does he cum when you fool around? Or is it this hot and heavy makeout thing, but nobody cums and both go home engorged? Yuck. That's OK for teenagers, not for adults, imo.

Only you can decide if you're willing to go at his pace. But since right now, what you really want is fucking, go find a guy to fuck! (I know dating is hard, and finding the right person is difficult, but there it is.) Have you tried OK Cupid, Fetlife, Craigslist or Adult Friend Finder?
 
Conclusion (hopefully)

Thank you everyone for your input! I wasn't expecting so much.

I agree it's not all my business, but still can't find an exact reasoning to be completely ok with it, tbh.

I just wanted to know if anyone at least didn't think I was a crazy bitch for thinking there's at least a bit of an issue with this situation...

This is merely my REASONING: It wouldn't have bothered me if they had entered a physical relationship BEFORE I met with this guy! Ntm, I met him on OKCupid... Nor would it have if she was being controlling by not allowing me to be anywhere near their daughter even though that is what my friend wanted (for me to meet his daughter). Or her calling me names... I guess it's hard when you see someone who isn't all that pleasant to you getting what you want.

I guess what bothered me the most was just that he continues to tell me he wants to have sex with me and that a couple of times after we fooled around said he probably could've had sex, but didn't do anything. Yet, he still goes to his ex for release of sexual tension built between us, which feels like crap for me. Also, he says sex just happens unplanned between them and I wonder why sex can't just happen between us.

BUT I have come to terms with a lot of personal shit and I'm letting go of having to have sex at all. It's an unnecessary goal I've been holding onto in general.

I realize and known that it's not ok to pressure him for sex when he's not ready...

The funny thing is, after all this was said and done, I just recently met up with a guy I've met once before and we hooked up. It's interesting that before I felt like I wouldn't have sex with another guy that I wanted it with. So, I think I've got that out of my system and have someone to turn to if I'm so inclined.

All in all, the guy who I just hooked up with is far less worth what my friend is in my eyes and I feel now that waiting on my friend just goes with how much he has come to mean to me as a friend. Truly. I know the things we have done like painting together or going to museums or watching movies is more memorable and meaningful than any sexual encounter we may or may never have.

So, I have decided that he and I will part for now. I have given him a not telling him how sorry I am for my behavior and how much he means to me. I hope to contact him again in the future or that he will contact me again when he would like to.
 
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Maybe it's for the best. I hope he will contact you again.
 
paramour said:
Thank you everyone for your input! I wasn't expecting so much.

I agree it's not all my business, but still can't find an exact reasoning to be completely ok with it, tbh.

I just wanted to know if anyone at least didn't think I was a crazy bitch for thinking there's at least a bit of an issue with this situation...

This is merely my REASONING: It wouldn't have bothered me if they had entered a physical relationship BEFORE I met with this guy! Ntm, I met him on OKCupid... Nor would it have if she was being controlling by not allowing me to be anywhere near their daughter even though that is what my friend wanted (for me to meet his daughter). Or her calling me names... I guess it's hard when you see someone who isn't all that pleasant to you getting what you want.

I guess what bothered me the most was just that he continues to tell me he wants to have sex with me and that a couple of times after we fooled around said he probably could've had sex, but didn't do anything. Yet, he still goes to his ex for release of sexual tension built between us, which feels like crap for me. Also, he says sex just happens unplanned between them and I wonder why sex can't just happen between us.

BUT I have come to terms with a lot of personal shit and I'm letting go of having to have sex at all. It's an unnecessary goal I've been holding onto in general.

I realize and known that it's not ok to pressure him for sex when he's not ready...

The funny thing is, after all this was said and done, I just recently met up with a guy I've met once before and we hooked up. It's interesting that before I felt like I wouldn't have sex with another guy that I wanted it with. So, I think I've got that out of my system and have someone to turn to if I'm so inclined.

All in all, the guy who I just hooked up with is far less worth what my friend is in my eyes and I feel now that waiting on my friend just goes with how much he has come to mean to me as a friend. Truly. I know the things we have done like painting together or going to museums or watching movies is more memorable and meaningful than any sexual encounter we may or may never have.

So, I have decided that he and I will part for now. I have given him a not telling him how sorry I am for my behavior and how much he means to me. I hope to contact him again in the future or that he will contact me again when he would like to.
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I don't understand any of this.

If you like his companionship as a friend, why not continue to see him on a platonic basis?

You didn't answer my questions about whether he can give you orgasms during the sexual behaviors (short of intercourse) that you've already been doing.

But if you feel frustrated that he isn't ready for full on sex, because he is still not over his ex, and you want "all or nothing," maybe it is better just to let him go. If you desire him, that desire could get in the way of being "just friends."
 
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