Well THAT was a roller coaster of a weekend. Like, none of the roller coaster was bad (well, one bit was but the way it was handled was better than usual so I'm sort of going to call that a win) but it was just... a lot.
Last week started out rough, parenting wise and relationship wise (seriously, there was one evening where everyone in the house had literally retreated to a separate space because everyone was just DONE with everyone and everything else). Nothing specific, really, just my inability to cope with parenting combined with MiniMe's now-diagnosed ADHD etc forming a shitshow Voltron with Joan having to deal with her ex and Knight being stressed from work. Wheee.
But the week got better, and we had a good meeting with his school followed by a late lunch at an Irish pub we rarely get to go, as a decompression (like I literally wouldn't let Knight go back to the office like he vaguely planned to, something which he thanked me for later) and finally on Friday Knight and I got to go out for the evening without kid which is *really* rare for childcare reasons.
Dinner was gorgeous, and even going back and having a drink at the house led to a *really* great conversation (Knight is really smart, which I don't give him credit for enough, and he has some good ideas for how I can fix my career plans and thus our finances etc). The only downside was that either the drink or some allergy meds sort of roofied Knight and he basically passed out while we were starting to get to the naked portion of the evening. He only had half a drink more than I did, so I'm pretty sure it was the allergy meds. I'm pretty proud that I *didn't* get that angry at him that night, and mostly kept the conversation we had about the whole thing the next morning positive-is - I mean, I was hurt, and said so, but I didn't yell about it. Compared to some of the other fights that have gone to chernobyl-level toxic about the same subject it's a massive improvement.
Doesn't really give us a functional sex life but I've really hit a point where I'm .... ok with the part where that's only a sometimes thing for us. For real this time. What I wrote about
before, about feeling like the "owned/used/needed" portion of my sexuality having been put in a box and given to Artist, and how that let me be ok with NOT sharing that with Knight. (And truthfully I never really have, just the edges of it shaped by teenage hormones and NRE - I just
wanted to.) But that brings us to Saturday.
Saturday. I... (and if you don't want to hear about kinky sex just stop reading now, as I can't talk about this without it being at least somewhat explicit).
Saturday was the first time Artist collared me with the collar I made for him/me/us. I wore nothing but the collar and some scraps of fishnet/lace to a house party (held by Redhead&Joker, for those who have been reading this blog since
2014), and I basically spent the entire evening in what I can only call a sexual trance - from the moment he put the collar on me at my house through the drive to the party, to the rather intense impact scene (not the most intense we've ever done, I think, but I was standing with my arms bound over my head which makes things harder to take than when I'm bound to a cross or bench or the like), through what felt like an hour of keeping me on the edge of orgasm just by playing with my nipples, through some nominally social time in a hot tub and through coming home and having so very very much sex - like sex then pass out because it's two in the morning then wake up at like 8 curled into each other and have this lovely long interlude of slipping into sex then napping then yet more sex.
That was days ago and yet... I can still feel his lips on the back of my neck as he took my collar off Saturday night, like a brand still on my skin, and it makes me shiver to think about.
I don't understand this thing between us sometimes - how is it possible to have someone be one of the most supportive people in your life, who holds you even in his sleep like you're made of spun glass, and yet also beats you bruised and fucks you brainless... and the whole thing keeps escalating in intensity and yet without me wanting to spend any more time with him than I do.
I don't need to understand.