Comment overreaction

[Cannotthinkofausername]

So I am in a happy, very good polyamorous relationship. I really like him, I really like the metamour, everything is good.

And- sorry if this is TMI- but he likes rough sex. I would like to like this, but I have physical issues which mean that I actually can't. And luckily his other partner can! Which makes me happy that he gets to do that.

Except- he started telling me this funny story about how they had rough sex, and I was like 'nope, TMI, not interested, please stop'. And then he reassured me that yes, he liked this thing about her, and he likes other things about me, and we cuddled. Very good reaction on his part but I was still like "Please, can we actually just stop talking about this altogether."


And now I'm still irrationally upset.

Not about his partner. Not because they have rough sex. But because I felt like I was being 'compared' and found wanting. 'Here is this great thing I love that you cannot do.' And because this specifically is something I feel inadequate about, as the same physical issues have often made sex painful or difficult for me before we figured it out. I thought I wasn't ever going to be able to have enjoyable (hell, not-agonizingly-painful) penetrative sex and it was something that was extremely frustrating for both of us. And I felt bad then that I couldn't even do this most basic thing about sex for him, and I felt completely useless and inadequate. And yes- this is on me, not him. I get that.

But I just felt like I was being told, well, imagine if your friend came up to you with: "Oh, funny story about my friend. So you know how you're fat and unattractive and they're not?" The reason you'd be upset, isn't the weight or attractiveness of your friend.

So- it's not a big thing. It is something I am overreacting about a little (hell, anything over 'forgetting about it within 20 seconds' is overreacting). How do I deal with the overreacting? I don't want to talk to him about it because I don't want him to worry or to make it seem bigger than it is. I said one sentence at the time and then dropped it and honestly I regret that sentence as I don't want to make him feel bad. It's not his fault. It was a funny story and he was happy and excited and it's the newer relationship and he finally gets to do this, and I get that. How do I be more rational?

Because it's fine now. But what if next time I am tired or upset about something else, and I get upset? He is usually endlessly patient but also shouldn't have to be. I want to fix this before it is ever a problem.


Apologies if this is way TMI, I can take it down.

 

[Magdlyn]

Not TMI for this board at all, no worries.

What IS TMI is your bf sharing the details of his sexual experience with another, with you. There is no need to have to sit and listen to it. And in fact, his OSO might prefer he doesn't share the details of it either! Ever think of that?

You have every right to request he not tell you details of his sex with his other, no matter your reason. Lots of poly people don't want to know anything about their partner's dates with their metamours other than, did you use condoms, and what day and time is your date, and when will you be coming back home, if you cohabit.

Try not to worry about "making him feel bad" if you have a request in anything pertaining to your relationship. Good poly only works if everyone has open and honest communications around boundaries.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

I could be wrong... but I see three problems.

1) You compare yourself to the other partner because she can do rough sex and you cannot.

You could stop comparing.

I don't know if it helps any, but when I was younger I loved rough sex. Perimenopause is wreaking hell on my hormones and body and the LAST thing I want is PIV, much less rough PIV. People's bodies are what they are. Meds help some, so PIV sex has gotten better. I've made peace with my changing body and its needs. I don't take it as personal failing. Just something I have to figure out.

I assume you have had a check up. What do you need to make peace with your body?

2) He started telling you TMI stuff you rather than hear so you had to assert your boundaries on that.

He respected that. Sounds like it went well.

So...Why do you feel bad about asserting your boundaries? He's not a mind reader, and part of getting to know each other in a "V" is sorting out information management together.

• what info is expected to share (ex: safer sex practices/labs)
• what info is NOT expected to share (TMI sex stuff)
• what information is pleasant enough but optional (other partner suggested a good movie. would you like to watch?)
• any other info categories you decided together

But what if next time I am tired or upset about something else, and I get upset? He is usually endlessly patient but also shouldn't have to be. I want to fix this before it is ever a problem.

3) You are not comfortable expressed tiredness/upset around him.

Why not? That's part of how feelings are let go -- you express them and let them OUT so they dissipate. You don't bottle them up.

He sounds patient and realizes you are human. What is it you are afraid of that will happen if you express yourself and are emotionally honest with him? That he won't like you or something?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Cannotthinkofausername,

You seem to be very self-conscious about expressing your wants/needs to your partner. It's okay to ask him not to do something; it's okay to ask him not to tell you any details about his sexual encounters with his other partner. In fact it's rather forward of him to tell you details; his other partner might not want him to do that. At least that's my perspective on the situation.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[anamikanon]

Just tell him point blank that the narration is not at all attractive to you, though he obviously finds it a great experience worth sharing. It is details you don't want to hear, and it is about something you don't even enjoy doing. So please don't do this again.

 

[AutumnLeaves]

For what it's worth, I think you will be fine if he respects your request not to hear these details. It's okay to feel feelings like this. These kind of irrational inadequacy/jealousy/comparison feelings is why I've asked Guitarist not to tell me the details of his other sex lives. He didn't mean it as a comparison, but that's how I interpreted it. And once I stopped hearing the details, I felt a lot better.

You asked him not to talk about it again. Hopefully he won't. Meanwhile, you're processing these feelings and that's okay. Some partners might like hearing those details, but you don't, and that's perfectly valid.

 

[Cannotthinkofausername]

I'm sorry you struggle.

I could be wrong... but I see three problems.

1) You compare yourself to the other partner because she can do rough sex and you cannot.

You could stop comparing."

I know that he is comparing. Because several, several times recently he has said "Huh, you know, it is really funny how different people respond to different things in bed." and has gone on about this. He doesn't make any better-worse value judgments, and makes it explicitly clear that he's not doing that.

But the moments are poorly-chosen- he brings it up while we are cuddling or intimate- and it is sort of making me think that "Okay, you are thinking about other partners while making out with me/we are in bed together/whatever." And each time it's been like he has completely forgotten that he talked about this last time. I get it, for him it's new, it's exciting. That is fair. And I don't want to kick the puppy and chastise him when he is all like 'happy new shiny thing'. But it is making me feel like he is just bored with me- particularly when he is wrapped up in his phone when we're on dates.

3) You are not comfortable expressed tiredness/upset around him.

Why not? That's part of how feelings are let go -- you express them and let them OUT so they dissipate. You don't bottle them up.

He sounds patient and realizes you are human. What is it you are afraid of that will happen if you express yourself and are emotionally honest with him? That he won't like you or something?

Galagirl

I don't want him knowing that I am getting this overly emotional over a stupid story. So it's probably best not to actually talk about it. It's my problem, my irrationality, not anyone else's, so it doesn't make sense that anyone else should have to deal with it.

 

[Spork]

Tough terrain with the difficulty expressing emotionality business, like, I feel ya. I really do.

Gotta say though. Feeling unable or unwilling to express my feelings, to a point of not wanting to impose on anyone with them...I have done that. I didn't have much choice in the bad marriage. Later though, I didn't want to be "that girl"...dramatic, needy, irrational, constantly having feelings about stuff. Other people can do that or be that. I didn't consider myself deserving of care and I didn't feel like I had the entitlement to burden others with my STUFF.

I still struggle with it sometimes. I'm still afraid sometimes that showing my feelings, especially negative ones, will be taken as "god, I've got to deal with this shit again, it's always something with her, she just CREATES drama" so I sometimes rationalize my feelings away or try not to have them. I took up blogging, and told my loved ones they could read it if they wanted. Thing about that is...I made it clear, it is my processing space. Just because I am chewing on ideas there, doesn't mean we have something we've got to DEAL WITH. It was my middle ground. I wanted to have my feelings, express them, allow my partners access to my internal head stuff, but not IMPOSE on them with it.

Now though, I have a partner who is very good at this "feel what you feel, it's ok" stuff. I mean, sometimes I think he might have reactions and he might not be sharing his feelings with me, always, that come in response to something I may have said. I worry about that. Like "maybe I hurt his feelings but he's not telling me" sometimes. Or "maybe he's really tired of me acting this way but he doesn't want to say anything." But he's got me reading "The Lazy Man's Guide to Enlightenment"...and a lot of the stuff in there speaks to how he thinks and philosophies he follows, and there is talk of feeling what you feel and loving yourself in that, and loving others as they are, and such.

So really...I'm slowly coming around to this thinking that it's actually safe and ok to feel what I feel. Whether it is justifiable or makes sense, or not. And letting the emotions happen, expressing them if need be, loving myself and letting them run their course...it is new to me. But I think it's good. I think maybe it's healing.

I do not think that carefully hiding negative emotions in order to not burden others with them is necessarily healthy for a relationship. You might realize that you would rather not be having this reaction, or that you don't think you have a right to tell your partner to do anything differently, they didn't do anything wrong, but you STILL feel what you feel. And that is ok.

I think our culture is too wrapped up in blame/fault/liability thinking, so if you feel something uncomfortable, either you have to hold someone else accountable for it and demand they apologize or do something different...or else you're not allowed to feel it at all. Well there is another option. You can feel the feel and not demand of it whether it is a right or wrong thing or a justified thing. Just let it happen. And then...let it go.

??

 

[Cannotthinkofausername]

He was talking about how amazing xyz sex act was with the metamour.

So we happened to engage in the same act a little later.

And during it, he pulls out his phone. Gives me a small smile. And goes about his business doing whatever on his phone, during sex. Completely uninterested.

Yeah, I'm starting to think this 'comparing' thing isn't just me being irrational.

 

[Magdlyn]

He was talking about how amazing xyz sex act was with the metamour.

So we happened to engage in the same act a little later.

And during it, he pulls out his phone. Gives me a small smile. And goes about his business doing whatever on his phone, during sex. Completely uninterested.

Yeah, I'm starting to think this 'comparing' thing isn't just me being irrational.

No, it sure isn't you being irrational. He's being quite rude. He may not be aware he is being rude... he's infatuated with New Person and riding high on feel good hormones and the novelty.

However, you two have some serious talking to do.

Use "I statements." Ex: When you do ____ [compare our sex to the sex with metamour, get on your phone while we are doing a sex act], I feel _____ [hurt, upset, lesser than, angry, jealous, or whatever you feel].

Don't let him JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). Request he repeat back to you what he heard you say, and if he isn't getting it, express your feelings again. People can't argue with feelings. If he says, You shouldn't feel this or that, just say, well, I DO feel this or that. And don't apologise for feeling that way. He has some behaviors he needs to change so you feel reassured and valued.

Most poly couples limit texting time with others when they are on a date, or just hanging, having quality time with each other. During sex?? Oh hell no

 

[anamikanon]

He was talking about how amazing xyz sex act was with the metamour.

So we happened to engage in the same act a little later.

And during it, he pulls out his phone. Gives me a small smile. And goes about his business doing whatever on his phone, during sex. Completely uninterested.

Yeah, I'm starting to think this 'comparing' thing isn't just me being irrational.

Time to dump him.

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for more information.

He was talking about how amazing xyz sex act was with the metamour.

So we happened to engage in the same act a little later.

And during it, he pulls out his phone. Gives me a small smile. And goes about his business doing whatever on his phone, during sex. Completely uninterested.

Yeah, I'm starting to think this 'comparing' thing isn't just me being irrational.

VERY bad manners! That is not you being irrational. That sounds like a guy doing sex stuff with you that you did not consent to. You don't sound like you wanted phone use as part of the sex share.

several times recently he has said "Huh, you know, it is really funny how different people respond to different things in bed." and has gone on about this. He doesn't make any better-worse value judgments, and makes it explicitly clear that he's not doing that.


But the moments are poorly-chosen- he brings it up while we are cuddling or intimate-

I am starting to wonder if this guy gets off on making you uncomfortable. He plays it all "innocent" like he's not playing mind games with you... but really he is.

If it had just been the one time, and you asserted your boundary and he respected it, ok. People can make mistakes.

But it is starting to sound like he does this a lot -- plunging you into things you did not consent to be doing. Whether it is talking about sex stuff or
using the phone during sex... he doesn't ask if you are up for talking/doing those things. It sounds like he just sort of... foists them on you. To see if you will say anything or just be uncomfortable and say nothing. Then maybe next time he pushes the line a bit more. Then a bit more.

Is that what is going on here?

There's a certain personality that views "boundaries" as a "challenge" to break down and they get pleasure from grinding a person down. Is he that type? You don't sound like you feel good/safe dating him.

Don't be too quick to take it personally like "I am so insecure." It may be that the whole SITUATION is not safe and secure because he doesn't do anything in his behaviors to help you feel safe and secure. He actually does things in his behaviors that make you feel on edge and anxious.

Maybe you are better off not dating him if he's making you feel more UGH than joy?

Galagirl

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

You are not overreacting. He's being an asshat. Did he somehow, during the course of your relationship, get you to start believing that every negative emotion you have in response to his actions is "overreacting?"

You have the right to feel valued in your relationships.

 

[Cannotthinkofausername]

Galagirl- I hadn't expressed boundaries about those things at the time he did them. So I don't think that is what is going on. I think he's just really excited about the whole thing. And I think he's tired and stressed and bored with me, and the first two mean that he doesn't see that he's expressing the third.

He does make me feel more joy than 'UGH'. I'm only mentioning the 'UGH' here because that's what I'm worried about! 99% of the time with him is lovely, he's considerate, thoughtful. This is a 'recently' thing.

I'll talk to him and see how it goes.

 

[Spork]

It is not overreacting, to expect your partner to be PRESENT with you when he is with you. Not unreasonable.

The phone thing sounds outrageous and awful. On the one hand, I am sorry you had that experience. On the other hand, if that showed you clearly that what you want is reasonable and he's not being considerate to you, if this is what it takes for you to have the conversation...I'm glad SOMETHING showed you, that it was not just you. Not all in your head.

It is not normal poly, even when someone is in NRE, that you just have to accept that your partner can no longer give energy or attention to YOUR RELATIONSHIP when you are together. It might be an easy mistake for him to make, but you do not need to accept it, and he definitely needs to be made aware that he is being inconsiderate by being not present with you, when he is with you.

He can do the other relationship when he is with the other person.

Definitely have that talk, and if he cannot be more respectful of your needs, then probably time to consider ending the relationship.

Best of luck!!

 

[Cannotthinkofausername]

Forgot to mention- the thing that he compares me to his other partners on, that he brings up when we are cuddling etc, is usually rough sex. And it's like he forgets that this is something I really want to do but am physically unable to. And have felt inadequate about for years- which he knows. It's not a neutral comparison. At all.

So when I say that I am comparing myself to his other partners on this- it's because he keeps telling me, outright, that he is comparing me to his other partners about this specific thing.

 

[anamikanon]

Am wondering why there is advice for communicating and coping in this situation. I don't text/chat so much, so may have missed out on current ettiquette, but it appears to me that this should be universally obvious - including to said partner that reaching for your phone during sex is.... dismissing your partner from attention in an intensely attention-involved situation. It is saying point blank that the partner does not matter.

Combine it with repeated bringing up of comparisons in conversation with her where she is compared unfavorably - sounds like deliberate cruelty to her. This is not rocket science either that repeated comparisons highlighting inadequacy on one specific subject KNOWN to be a source of inadequacy for the partner is basically DELIBERATELY making her feel bad. Over and over from the sound of it.

This has nothing to do with NRE and everything to do with throwing stuff that hurts her in her face.

I don't know why there is communication advice here. There is nothing to communicate. He has communicated crystal clear with actions.

This chap gets off on hurting her and is toxic and should be dumped.

There I said it bluntly.

 

[Cannotthinkofausername]

Am wondering why there is advice for communicating and coping in this situation. I don't text/chat so much, so may have missed out on current ettiquette, but it appears to me that this should be universally obvious - including to said partner that reaching for your phone during sex is.... dismissing your partner from attention in an intensely attention-involved situation. It is saying point blank that the partner does not matter.

Combine it with repeated bringing up of comparisons in conversation with her where she is compared unfavorably - sounds like deliberate cruelty to her. This is not rocket science either that repeated comparisons highlighting inadequacy on one specific subject KNOWN to be a source of inadequacy for the partner is basically DELIBERATELY making her feel bad. Over and over from the sound of it.

This has nothing to do with NRE and everything to do with throwing stuff that hurts her in her face.

I don't know why there is communication advice here. There is nothing to communicate. He has communicated crystal clear with actions.

This chap gets off on hurting her and is toxic and should be dumped.

There I said it bluntly.

This is not the case. We have been going out for a fair amount of time, he has never done anything like this before. He is always sweet, kind, considerate, excellent at talking about consent and about feelings.

That's sort of why I feel he must be just a bit bored of me, coupled with NRE. But I'm hoping that if I bring it to his attention he'll either stop, or we can have a discussion about the relationship.

 

[starlight1]

I think it's a bit extreme to be dumping someone over a texting thing. Some people get really excited in a new thing. However the comparing thing does come off as cruel...

Also OP, how much is "some time"?

I only ask because if its around the year or two point there's still a fair bit of "good behaviour" going on, that starts to unravel at this point and you see someones "true behaviour" the one that happens when they think no ones looking sorta thing.

It's not a major thing at this point but it is a "yellow flag" in my opinion and needs to be addressed to the man involved.

Even if he is "Just bored", there's better ways to address that then by comparing you in your most vulnerable way. Truthfully...some people can be this way. But its still nto certain it is. At this point its still just a breach of boundaries. Which can be addressed and put consequences in place first, before jumping to dumping him.

But in retrospect, I did a lot of dating of frogs before I started being able to generally tell good men from users. I'm still working on it. I hae my moments it goes under my radar.

A good example is telling a man about an tactic that ex-husband used on me, and the new person I was with did the same thing. With him it was emulation and not heat, he wanted a reaction from me. Very childish. I just rolled my eyes and went, what couldn't think of a new thing to do? So we don't yet know this mans motives and based that his history has not ahd any other yellow or red flags, we must assume this could be "being human". OR a reaction to something else going on we don't know about.

In light of that I suggest open dialogue about the subject, and keeping a personal record OP after you set a consequence for the boundary of the comparison, and see if he improves over time. We don't want you to be walked all over time and time again, but I think it's important to give people more than one chance. Just my two pence..

 

[anamikanon]

This is not the case. We have been going out for a fair amount of time, he has never done anything like this before. He is always sweet, kind, considerate, excellent at talking about consent and about feelings.

That's sort of why I feel he must be just a bit bored of me, coupled with NRE. But I'm hoping that if I bring it to his attention he'll either stop, or we can have a discussion about the relationship.

If he has a history of being sweet, kind and considerate, that clearly shows that he isn't someone clumsy with words or unaware of their impact. What you are seeing as a good normal and an abberration, I am seeing as a person capable of sensitive choosing not to be.

One tool I sometimes recommend when unsure whether a situation is emotional abuse is maintaining a log of episodes where his behavior upsets you. No details needed, but date, time and subject. What is perhaps difficult to understand as isolated incidents becomes clearer as a pattern.... or lack of it.

If this is abuse - as opposed to an occasional unguarded sharing, There will be nothing linking such episodes. If it is abuse, you will find common factors like him knowing that the subject bothers you with very few or none that he doesn't know bother you or an overall low frequency of incidents that upset you.

I haven't used it for something like this - more in domestic violence situations, but I suppose this isn't all that different fundamentally. One difference to remember I guess would be that there is a difference between inconsiderate behavior and an unknowing power struggle, where petty putting down becomes a source of high. As in some people are just immature and dumb. Others are elegant in subtly taking pleasure in wiping smiles off faces.

The logs would also help you see whether he is a lovestruck idiot losing sight of you or whether he's stopped valuing you and takes pleasure in putting you down. On the other hand, it can also help you see if you have specific issues that he triggers without intending.

Another possibility is to confide in a trusted friend. If he is putting you down, it will be visible in all sorts of behavior beyond these private instances that stay in your mind, because it is a trigger for you and will be visible to observant third parties when you engage with them.

But don't justify his behavior based on history. Use some objective method to assess in the here and now. Many things have changed - for example he isn't feeling NRE for you, but someone else. And so on.

Whether accidental or deliberate, such behavior is corrosive and needs to stop dripping on you.