Confused and hurt

C

confusedmonster

New member
I'm a bi woman married to a straight man. I asked to open up our monogamous marriage to a woman. No one in mind. We had talked about it for 2 years, setting rules and boundaries and having deep discussions on the matter.

My hard boundary was: no one we know. But he decided on someone close to us. I protested, but caved.

Now we are at a weird point, trying to start with her. She barely talks to me. I'm having to be a therapist/mediator for both her and my husband. I feel overlooked and not seen at all by either. When I try to voice my feelings and thoughts about what I want, they both make me feel unimportant and like I'm overreacting. I keep voicing my concerns to both of them, but nothing is changing. I'm the wife, but I feel like a third wheel in their relationship.
 
If you read through the posts and blogs here you will soon see that what you are struggling with is a very common scenario. A couple wants to find a woman to share, and then things go sideways. With limited info, I will be making assumptions, some of which will undoubtedly be wrong You may certainly correct me.

Based on the number of times we have seen this play out, my first question would be: if you were the one who asked to open up your marriage, (usual reason being the bisexual wife wants to explore sex and/or relationship with a woman, as she had as limited experience previously), then why did you decide to involve your husband in that proposed relationship? Why is he the one choosing who you are going to have that experience with? Aren't you the one who wanted to do the exploring? He presumably already knows what he looks for in a female partner, as a straight man. How would he know what you look for in a female partner, as a bisexual female? How can he choose that FOR you?

Dating and getting to know a new person is hard enough. Now this new person is expected to do this with two people at the same time, and equally, while each of you only have to get to know one new person. No two relationships ever move at exactly the same pace. Triads are very difficult to navigate anyway, let alone for a couple that is new to the practical aspects of poly, even if you have been talking about it for 2 years.

I suggest you leave this current lady to him, since that seems to be where her interests lie, and seek out your own girlfriend without his involvement. That way you won't be competing with him (or her) for attention, and you won't need to limit yourself to women who want to add another man to their lives. You can date a lesbian or a bisexual woman in the same position as you-- married to a straight man and looking to explore their bi side.

TLDR; try dating separately first-- much simpler.

JaneQ
 
Hello confusedmonster,

It sounds like you wanted to explore your bisexuality, but your husband took advantage of that by choosing for you a woman you wouldn't have wanted, and now he and that woman are both dismissing your needs and concerns. I know divorce is an extreme action, but that is what I am thinking of advising you to do. Your husband is showing his true feelings for you by how he is treating you. It's not like you can force him to treat you better. It seems to me that he has chosen this other woman, and now he loves that woman instead of you. So in that sense, the divorce has already happened.

With regards and sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
JaneQSmythe said:
If you read through the posts and blogs here you will soon see that what you are struggling with is a very common scenario. A couple wants to find a woman to share, and then things go sideways. With limited info, I will be making assumptions, some of which will undoubtedly be wrong. You may certainly correct me.
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JaneQSmythe said:
But based on the number of times we have seen this play out, my first question would be: if you were the one who asked to open up your marriage, (usual reason being the bisexual wife wants to explore sex and/or relationship with a woman as she had as limited experience previously), then why did you decide to involve your husband in that relationship? Why is he the one choosing who you are going to have that experience with? Aren't you the one who wanted to do the exploring? He presumably already knows what he looks for in a female partner, as a straight man, how would he know what you look for in a female partner, as a bisexual female? How can he choose that FOR you?

Dating and getting to know a new person is hard enough. Now this new person is expected to do this with two people at the same time, and equally, while each of you only has to get to know one new person. No two relationships ever move at exactly the same pace. Triads are very difficult to navigate anyway, let alone for a couple that is new to the practical aspects of poly, even if you have been talking about it for 2 years.

I suggest you leave this current lady to him, since that seems to be where her interests lie, and seek out your own girlfriend without his involvement. That way you won't be competing with him (or her) for attention, and you won't need to limit yourself to women who want to add another man to their lives. You can date a lesbian or a bisexual woman in the same position as you-- married to a straight man and looking to explore their bi side.

TLDR; try dating separately first-- much simpler.

JaneQ
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I had talked to him about us dating separately, but he said he's afraid of me leaving him for another woman. I have no problems with having another partner together, but honestly it's a lot for me to handle his tantrums and hers, along with my kids. Thankfully, we are going to talk about this more later today, when he gets home.

He told me last month that he loves her and me equally. But he treats her better.

After reading many posts on here, I am going to make myself heard. Thank you for you advice. Hopefully everything works out.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello confusedmonster,

It sounds like you wanted to explore your bisexuality, but your husband took advantage of that by choosing for you a woman you wouldn't have wanted, and now he and that woman are both dismissing your needs and concerns. I know divorce is an extreme action, but that is what I am thinking of advising you to do. Your husband is showing his true feelings for you by how he is treating you. It's not like you can force him to treat you better. It seems to me that he has chosen this other woman, and now he loves that woman instead of you. So in that sense, the divorce has already happened.

With regards and sympathy,
Kevin T.
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Thank you. Tough to hear, but very much needed. I honestly don't want to divorce, as this is my first marriage and I love him deeply. But the hurt and problems are getting to be too much. I have talked to him several times about being open and honest with each other, but it feels like it's falling on deaf ears.

He's in love with her. He keeps telling me she's into me, but the woman barely talks to me. They are wrapped up in each other so much that I feel like a babysitter more than a wife, partner and person these days.
 
confusedmonster said:
I'm a bi woman married to a straight man. I asked to open up our monogamous marriage to a woman. No one in mind. We had talked about it for 2 years, setting rules and boundaries and having deep discussions on the matter. Well my hard boundary was no one we know, but he decided on someone close to us. I protested but I caved. Now we are at a weird point trying to start with said woman. She barely talks to me, I'm having to be a therapist/mediator for both her and my husband. I feel overlooked and not seen at all by either. When I try to voice my feelings and thoughts about what I want, they both make me feel unimportant and like I'm over reacting. I keep voicing my concerns to them, but nothing is changing. I'm the wife, but I feel like a third wheel in their relationship..
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I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like he is deep in NRE with her.

Triads rarely work out for all the people who are dating each other, unless they just happen to form over time naturally, and even then it’s so hard.

I think talking to him and telling him you are going to date separately is the best thing for you. Everyone deserves to be happy. You should not have to suffer in a three-person relationship that you are unhappy in.

He can date her. You can date someone else. Everyone’s needs are met.

Talk about communication, check-ins, making sure you also prioritize each other.

If he is worried that you may leave him, that might be because he is prioritizing the new person and is projecting his own feelings. Since he is in NRE and giving a lot of time to her he might be afraid of that happening with you.
 
Sure, you could try to find your own girlfriend. Speaking from my own experiences, I've found that lesbians rarely have interest in dating a woman who has a man. It's more likely you'll encounter other bi women trying to lure you into threesomes with their men than looking to date you one-on-one. Unless you live somewhere very queer/poly friendly, it's not super-easy for a married bi woman to find a girlfriend.

Perhaps your husband would snap to attention if you decided to date men instead. That seems only fair. And they're generally more available.

But even if you do find a girlfriend or boyfriend of your own, how does that make up for the fact that your husband is in love with another woman, treating her better, and relegating you to the role of babysitter and peacemaker? I, personally, have never successfully taken my longing for one person and replaced it with attention from another. What's the point of staying in a relationship if you're both outsourcing all the good stuff to other partners?

When I was in my early 20's, I was a long-term threesome that formed organically (all 3 of us met at the same time,) but eventually, I ended up relegated to secondary to their primary heterosexual r'ship. These things happen, feelings are feelings. It can't be helped. But the feeling of being in the same bed with two people falling in love with each other (and out of love with me) was a special level of hell I wouldn't wish on anyone.

What do you need right now? Space from their romance? More time and attention from husband? Support/childcare to go dating if that's how you decide to roll? Speak up! Your self esteem and happiness need to be taken into account, and it doesn't sound like your partner(s) are doing so.
 
I'm sorry you're struggling. :(

My hard boundary was: no one we know. But he decided on someone close to us. I protested, but caved. Now we are at a weird point, trying to start with her.
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In future, stick to your guns on your personal boundaries.

I suggest you stop trying to date her. Date separately. Do not try to have a triad here, especially if they are caught up in NRE and you are in poly hell.

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com

That might be something read with your husband. It's fine that he's dating and all twitterpated in NRE. It's normal to be excited about a new partner. But it is NOT okay if it's all-consuming, he's neglecting you and the kids, etc.

She barely talks to me. I'm having to be a therapist/mediator for both her and my husband.
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Don't try to solve problems as a group. You are NOT part of (Husband + Lady.) That's their deal.

Stop being their free therapist/mediator. It's okay to say, "I'm sorry that's happening. I'm not the right person to talk to about this. I suggest you talk to a trusted friend, or maybe even a counselor who is outside the poly system. It cannot be me. I cannot be impartial. I'm inside the system."


You are part of (You + Lady) -- and since it's not panning out, just break up politely. It's okay to say "I'm sorry. This is not working out. I need to break up. I'd rather not do a triad. I'd rather it be a V."

It's okay to do parallel poly and not deal with her much and not hang out in a group. Just be basic polite if you happen to bump into her somehow, same as you would a bank teller or store clerk: "Hello, good afternoon," polite small talk. But you don't hang out with the bank teller, right?

You are part of the (You + Husband) dyad. Address your issues with just him.

I had talked to him about us dating separately, but he said he's afraid of me leaving him for another woman.
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That is HIS fear that he can work through. You are not his "security blanket" for poly dating. It's okay to tell him you do not want to be in a triad anymore and break up with Lady. The (Husband + Lady) dyad is their relationship to deal with.

Before this poly thing, how did he cope with his fear of you leaving him for nobody, like just deciding to leave?

I have no problems with having another partner together, but honestly it's a lot for me to handle his tantrums and hers, along with my kids.
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Then you DO have a problem being in a triad with him, because he's not a fit partner for that. So don't do it any more.

Why is he having tantrums? What about? Or was he always like that?

Galagirl
 
It's a good thing you and Husband took two years to discuss you trying to express your bisexuality. But the problem may be that you had fantasies about what that would be like, and not much reality-based evidence to work with.

If you and Husband were like me and my husband when we tried this back in 1999-2000, it went like this. Husband got okay with your being bi and acting on it, because he thought, "That means I get to have threeway sex with two women at once, my beloved wife and a new hot bi babe! Yay!" So, thinking of his own desires, he chose a woman he was attracted to, and badgered you into trying to both get with her.

New hot bi babe (a friend, but maybe not a super-good friend), was flattered by your Husband's attentions and returned the attention. She said she was into a threesome, but it turns out she isn't. She's just hot for Hubby. She is just giving lip service to the idea of threesome sex/a triad to get to be with him.

Now she's getting envious of YOU, as the long-term trusted wife, who has a house and kids with her new boyfriend. Hubs is also "having tantrums" over feeling split between his infatuation (NRE) and the necessity of still being a good husband, father, being responsible for a job to earn money, and having plenty of household responsibilities, when all he really wants to do is be with his new crush, flirt, cuddle, do romantic dates, and have sex and talk all night.

I could be projecting, but this happens extremely often with newbie poly couples. I was not the only one, and neither are you.

Therefore, we give the advice to date separately. Remove yourself from the dream of a triad, and go get yourself some dates. I hope you find a cool interesting woman to date. I did. I've also dated many men.

My ex husband and I broke up after 30 years together because it turned out he wasn't polyamorous. He was mono. When he fell in love with our "unicorn," he really fell out of love with me. But we had other problems, as well. Our attempt at poly just shone a spotlight on them. We struggled on until 2008 and then separated and divorced.

My advice is to keep reading here and also read the book Opening Up, so you can learn best poly practices from others who have blazed the trail for you! Best of luck.
 
Magdlyn said:
It's a good thing you and Husband took two years to discuss you trying to express your bisexuality. But the problem may be that you had fantasies about what that would be like, and not much reality-based evidence to work with.

If you and Husband were like me and my husband when we tried this back in 1999-2000, it went like this. Husband got okay with your being bi and acting on it, because he thought, "That means I get to have threeway sex with two women at once, my beloved wife and a new hot bi babe! Yay!" So, thinking of his own desires, he chose a woman he was attracted to, and badgered you into trying to both get with her.

New hot bi babe (a friend, but maybe not a super-good friend), was flattered by your Husband's attentions and returned the attention. She said she was into a threesome, but it turns out she isn't. She's just hot for Hubby. She is just giving lip service to the idea of threesome sex/a triad to get to be with him.

Now she's getting envious of YOU, as the long-term trusted wife, who has a house and kids with her new boyfriend. Hubs is also "having tantrums" over feeling split between his infatuation (NRE) and the necessity of still being a good husband, father, being responsible for a job to earn money, and having plenty of household responsibilities, when all he really wants to do is be with his new crush, flirt, cuddle, do romantic dates, and have sex and talk all night.

I could be projecting, but this happens extremely often with newbie poly couples. I was not the only one, and neither are you.

Therefore, we give the advice to date separately. Remove yourself from the dream of a triad, and go get yourself some dates. I hope you find a cool interesting woman to date. I did. I've also dated many men.

My ex husband and I broke up after 30 years together because it turned out he wasn't polyamorous. He was mono. When he fell in love with our "unicorn," he really fell out of love with me. But we had other problems, as well. Our attempt at poly just shone a spotlight on them. We struggled on until 2008 and then separated and divorced.

My advice is to keep reading here and also read the book Opening Up, so you can learn best poly practices from others who have blazed the trail for you! Best of luck.
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Thank you. I have been reading more posts on here and I have even shown my post to my husband. After reading and seeing everyone's advice, we both have decided to sit down with our "unicorn" and have her tell us what she actually wants. Side note: I have been bi most of my life and have had many relationships but this is my first time being married and trying with a woman. My husband has admitted to his fantasies about this situation and has admitted to being more affectionate to her because he really wanted this triad to happen. But he sees that the way he's gone about it has only hurt mine and his relationship along with my mine and hers. So today we'll be talking face to face with "unicorn" so we know everyone's thoughts and feelings.
 
That sounds promising, keep us posted on how that discussion goes.
 
Magdlyn said:
It's a good thing you and Husband took two years to discuss you trying to express your bisexuality. But the problem may be that you had fantasies about what that would be like, and not much reality-based evidence to work with.

If you and Husband were like me and my husband when we tried this back in 1999-2000, it went like this. Husband got okay with your being bi and acting on it, because he thought, "That means I get to have threeway sex with two women at once, my beloved wife and a new hot bi babe! Yay!" So, thinking of his own desires, he chose a woman he was attracted to, and badgered you into trying to both get with her.

New hot bi babe (a friend, but maybe not a super-good friend), was flattered by your Husband's attentions and returned the attention. She said she was into a threesome, but it turns out she isn't. She's just hot for Hubby. She is just giving lip service to the idea of threesome sex/a triad to get to be with him.

Now she's getting envious of YOU, as the long-term trusted wife, who has a house and kids with her new boyfriend. Hubs is also "having tantrums" over feeling split between his infatuation (NRE) and the necessity of still being a good husband, father, being responsible for a job to earn money, and having plenty of household responsibilities, when all he really wants to do is be with his new crush, flirt, cuddle, do romantic dates, and have sex and talk all night.

I could be projecting, but this happens extremely often with newbie poly couples. I was not the only one, and neither are you.

Therefore, we give the advice to date separately. Remove yourself from the dream of a triad, and go get yourself some dates. I hope you find a cool interesting woman to date. I did. I've also dated many men.

My ex husband and I broke up after 30 years together because it turned out he wasn't polyamorous. He was mono. When he fell in love with our "unicorn," he really fell out of love with me. But we had other problems, as well. Our attempt at poly just shone a spotlight on them. We struggled on until 2008 and then separated and divorced.

My advice is to keep reading here and also read the book Opening Up, so you can learn best poly practices from others who have blazed the trail for you! Best of luck.
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Your replies are always so thoughtful.
 
confusedmonster said:
I'm a bi woman married to a straight man. I asked to open up our monogamous marriage to a woman. No one in mind. We had talked about it for 2 years, setting rules and boundaries and having deep discussions on the matter.

My hard boundary was: no one we know. But he decided on someone close to us. I protested, but caved.

Now we are at a weird point, trying to start with her. She barely talks to me. I'm having to be a therapist/mediator for both her and my husband. I feel overlooked and not seen at all by either. When I try to voice my feelings and thoughts about what I want, they both make me feel unimportant and like I'm overreacting. I keep voicing my concerns to both of them, but nothing is changing. I'm the wife, but I feel like a third wheel in their relationship.
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I'm so sorry you're dealing in this. For what it's worth it pretty much is hard on all sides.

As having been the hit bi unicorn 🦄 it can be enticing to think you can ride the escalator to the top without much effort, but in reality it is very exhausting to manage if you only like 1 person in the equation and are told you must like both for it to continue. I tend to take the more masculine role with women and find myself in competition with the man rather than the wife. So, if you're bi and married my suggestiOn is try to date other married women.

However like others have stated you run into the very issue you've placed on your lady friend, of being objectified for sex or people trying to cow girl your guy.
 
So sorry you experienced this! I don't have any advice other to keep communicating with both parties, like you seem like you are doing. Polyamory is a learning experience for sure, so all we can do is make sure we don't keep making the same mistakes.
 
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