Confused by his actions

S

scratch999

New member
I've been in a polyamorous relationship with someone for the past five months (we were best friends for nearly a year prior). We had attempted to date in the past, but I ended it because he was involved in three other relationships at the time, which wasn’t what I wanted. Initially, this started as just a sexual connection, but it gradually deepened as he expressed strong feelings for me, telling me that he loved me.

I tried to embrace polyamory for his sake, but I bottled up my discomfort out of fear of creating conflict, starting an argument, or losing him. It’s only been within the last two months that I’ve openly expressed that this dynamic doesn’t work for me and that I need monogamy to feel prioritized and emotionally secure.

Currently, he is in a relationship with me and another woman he’s been with for over two years. He often reassures me that our connection is deeper and more meaningful than anything he’s ever experienced. We have so much in common, share creative projects, and are about to spend three weeks together performing, traveling, and meeting my parents, experiences his other girlfriend has not shared with him. He has even described his relationship with her as "fizzling out" and surface-level, saying it feels more like a friendship now. Hearing this gave me hope that it would naturally end, and I’ve been incredibly understanding and patient as I navigated my discomfort.

However, something shifted recently. By being with me, through the love, communication, and emotional understanding I’ve shown him, he says he’s learned how to better express his needs and feelings. He used this growth to have a vulnerable conversation with his other girlfriend, telling her that she hasn’t been showing up for him for months. She broke down, expressed remorse, and asked how she could improve.

Now, he’s saying he doesn’t want to end things with her anymore. I feel hurt, betrayed, and misled. It feels as though the emotional connection and communication skills I’ve brought into this relationship have only reinforced and reignited their bond, leaving me feeling like I’ve been used.

I’m struggling with this situation because I still care deeply about him, but I can’t ignore that this dynamic isn’t working for me. I feel stuck and uncertain about how to move forward. Any constructive advice on how to process this or what steps to take would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
 
Hi and welcome.

That sounds like a very painful experience, and good on you for trying polyamory but then realising it isn't for you. That's okay, it isn't for the majority of people at this point in time of history. Kindly, you have already decided what you need to do, which is leave this relationship behind you. He's not going to break up with her, so you are going to have to break up with him. No-one is the bad guy here, you've simply discovered you're not compatible. That's what dating is actually for...to establish that. Some people are in your life for a reason, fewer for a season, and fewer yet for a lifetime. You and he had your reason...you tried but learned you aren't happy in a poly relationship. That's okay. That's your reason. Perhaps there were other ones, too. He showed you things you do want in a future relationship, as well as this big thing you don't want.

You can walk away with your head held high.
 
I'm sorry this is happening like this.
I tried to embrace polyamory for his sake, but I bottled up my discomfort out of fear of creating conflict, starting an argument, or losing him.
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I think you need to embrace what YOU need. There's nothing wrong with wanting monogamy. But if you want monogamy, then dating poly dudes is just not going to be a match. If you were friends before, perhaps after the break-up you could change to plain exes first, to heal separately, then change again to exes and friends, and nobody has to "be lost."
By being with me, through the love, communication, and emotional understanding I’ve shown him, he says he’s learned how to better express his needs and feelings.
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Your bf, the "hinge," is oversharing stuff about the other side of his poly V, first about his problems on that side, then about how they are going to work on it/get better. This is not good relationship hygiene, and it's hard for you to hear, since you were hoping they'd break up.

If you were friends before, perhaps there was a certain amount of sharing about who he is dating since you were outside the dating system. Sometimes friends talk about that. But I think sharing details had to stop once you became part of the dating system. Every dyad needs privacy, and even in friendship, TMI details might be TMI.
It feels as though the emotional connection and communication skills I’ve brought into this relationship have only reinforced and reignited their bond, leaving me feeling like I’ve been used.
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I get feeling hurt, yet people DO grow from being in relationships. Why wouldn't he apply his new communication skills in all areas of his life? Would you feel "used" if he applied these new skills at work and got himself a raise, or asked for changes in the work environment that were needed?
I’m struggling with this situation, because I still care deeply about him, but I can’t ignore that this dynamic isn’t working for me.
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I think you can care about him, but you have to break up because you want monogamy and he wants polyamory. I think you might be in anticipatory grief, like you kind of know it already, but aren't at full acceptance.

I don't think anyone has to be the bad guy. But this wasn't a match from the start. You like him a lot. Perhaps you thought you could change your mind, or learn how to do mono-poly. But you learned some things about yourself and what you want from this experience.

You definitely do NOT want polyamory. This isn't going to work for you. You asking him to do monogamy is the same as him asking you to do polyamory. Neither one of you needs to do things you don't actually want. I think friendship shape is the best relationship shape you two can peacefully share without either one bending into pretzels. I'm sorry, though. This sounds hard. :(
 
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Thank you for your insight. He said he doesn’t want to lose me, he loves me, prioritises me, and is building a future with me, which just confuses me even more.
 
If you don't want polyamory, is there some reason this shared future can't be as FRIENDS, if you both want that?

Some of my friends go back decades. I love them and prioritize them in my life. I bring soup when they are sick. I visit them in hospital. I've seen several through divorce. We've taken vacations together. I've diapered their kids and taught some of their kids to drive. I'm just not their dating partner and we don't share sex.

Here, if either one of you would prefer to be "plain exes," and to NOT transition into "exes and friends," that is ok, too. You aren't obligated to do stuff you don't really want.
Thank you for your insight. He said he doesn’t want to lose me, he loves me, prioritises me, and is building a future with me, which just confuses me even more.
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He might be dealing with his own anticipatory grief. He might be in the bargaining stage.

Galagirl
 
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Poly people tend to build a future with multiple people. If doesn't make anyone less special, it just means that they're able to manage multiple committed relationships.

It sounds like you only want him to commit to you, which isn't compatible with his values. Sure, he may break with with his current other gf eventually, but that doesn't mean he will then automatically become exclusive to you forever. He'll very likely want keep meeting other potential partners, and having one or more of them go from dating to serious relationships. Us poly people tend to do that.
 
Sure, he wants a future with you. As just ONE of his partners, a piece of his idea of the perfect love life, not the whole. Now is a great time to ask yourself what you do and don't want in a serious relationship. Do you want a life partner who:

Sometimes (or maybe more often than that) doesn't come home at night because he's in someone else's bed?
Sometimes takes a woman who isn't you on romantic vacations?
May spend major holidays with someone else?
Spends large portions of his time, energy & resources on someone else.
Sometimes may not be available to you because he's busy being someone else's partner.
Will have to take other partners into consideration while making life decisions that affect you. Example: If you have to move for work or family at some point in your life, will he go with you, or stay near his other partner (s?)
Could you have children (if you're interested in that) with a man who had to also put aside time & resources for another woman and possibly their children together?
Is traveling or living in different places important to you, and how would that work if he's got another main squeeze (or two) in your current location?
Are YOU interested in staying detached & detangled enough to let him be in other relationships and/or carry on your own multiple romantic relationships? Or does this feel shallow & the compartmentalization stresses you out?
Maybe you have a very full, rich social life and/or value lots of alone time so you won't feel any sense of loss when he's engaged with his dating life. If not, what's in this arrangement for you?

As much as I adored my poly ex boyfriend, no way any of this was working for me. I wish I'd broken it off at the 5 month mark. Instead I waited 3 years for him to pick me while my sense of self-worth deteriorated. Spoiler alert: he didn't. I was heartbroken a while, then found a monogamous partner who suits me better.

I'm editing to add I don't think you should try to be friends. Friendly, sure, or casually if you run in the same crowd. But if you're seeking a heterosexual monogamous partner, they generally frown upon opposite-sex besties who used to be partners hanging around. Also, in the interest of being able to freely give your all to your future partner, which is tough to do if you've got complicated feelings for your ex-bf/"friend." Just my opinion. I wish you luck & happiness!
 
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GalaGirl said you might have gone into this relationship thinking you could change, could learn to be okay with a mono/poly relationship. But it sounds to me like you hoped bf would change. Even though you've been friends with him for a year, and heard him tell you he was polyamorous, you seem (to me) to have thought it was a phase, and if you were somehow "enough," and your communications were strong, and your relationship grew tighter and tighter, he'd forgo all other women and cleave only unto you. Now you're seeing the reality. He loves you. But he loves others, or at least one other right now, and wants to practice polyamory.

This is who he is.

Lots of women go into relationships thinking they can change their man. And indeed, sometimes we women do put a bit of polish on our guys, who may have been living somewhat as savages. lol But we can't change who they intrinsically are.

Who knows? Maybe someday bf will decide to give up dating poly-style. But do you want to hang around in pain for five years? 10 years? Waiting and fighting and pushing him to change "for you"? That doesn't sound fun.
 
That's the thing about dating polyamorous people. They won't do monogamy. They don't even "get it". While you, even if you adjust, even when you feel like you've gotten comfortable with poly, and you're not jealous anymore, and your needs are being met, deep down you'll still keep hoping. You'll cry when it turns out he wants to have a child with the other lady, because that means she's staying forever.

Better realise that now. SHE IS STAYING FOREVER. Even if she isn't, there will be another. He's not going to bury his ability and preference to love more than one.
 
Hello scratch999,

It sounds like he wants a poly relationship at this time, and it's uncertain if and when that will change, what with his relationship with his other girlfriend gaining new life. I know you don't want to break up with him, you still care deeply about him, but you should consider the possibility that he's almost 100% polyamorous, and may always be open to the development of multiple relationships. Even if he breaks up with his other girlfriend. You've been his girlfriend for five months, but you have the rest of your life to consider. How do you want to live it? I assume you don't want to feel hurt, betrayed, misled, and used for the rest of your life. Bear in mind that you might still end up being best friends with him, even if you break up with him. Do the most loving thing, even if it's letting him go.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
The things he's saying about her-- it's not okay. He should not be talking about his other relationship problems to you at all-- things like they are fizzling out, that he loves you more than he's loved anyone else. That's love bombing. And triangulation. He's telling you what you want to hear. He probably tells the other partner the same thing. And then once he thinks he has you on board again, he'll devalue you and you'll feel the shift. He is probably a narcissist. Walk away. And expect that it will be painful because you might be chemically addicted to his breadcrumbs of attention and missing and hoping it will be as intense as it was in the beginng. Trust your feelings inside of "it's not okay" and walk away.
 
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