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So my partner and I have been together over 10 years. I have always been monogamous. He has not. I wonder if opening our relationship is a good idea or not. His having sex with other people bothers me only because of secrecy. And frankly if he is having sex with other people I want to as well. But not sure I'd that is a good reason for becoming poly and also want to know the struggles and successes with the lifestyle. Tia
If the secrecy is the only thing bothering you, then it would make sense to open up to allow for honesty. Do you think that he'd feel what's good for the goose is good for the gander, or would he cling to the double standard? That could be the make or break.

Success is generally relative, but many of us here are in stable, long term relationships with more than one person. There can still be struggles with any number of things, some poly related, some not.

Ask yourself - if either or both of you end up with another significant other in your lives, would your partner or you be able to call their/your metamour (your partner's partner) to let them know if there is, say, a health emergency with their partner? I'm a big believer in that kind of communication - you don't necessarily have to be friends, but you should be able to share visiting hours in a hospital.
I would recommend talking to your partner about what you think and feel. I believe in throwing everything out there and not holding anything back. It's easier to make decisions and have a discussion if everyone is open and up front. There is nothing wrong with being mono or poly but if it's something you want to try, there should be nothing holding you. You two should be on the same page, talk about and negotiate shared details, time constraints, or whatever is important to the two of you.

Take some time for self-reflection and ask yourself why you want to become poly if you have concern. I know it's always been suggested that mono couples who have issues not use poly to try and fix. I'm not sure this is the case here. Only you can decide that. Trying new ways often works best when the relationship doesn't already face serious problems and the communication is strong.,

I'm not entirely clear on what you mean. Could you please be willing to clarify?

What are your current relationship agreements?
  • Is this monogamous/closed, and then he's taking up with people secretly? Cheating on agreements?
  • Is this like mono-poly and then you are thinking about changing agreements to include poly on your side?
  • Is this already poly on both sides, just that you've never used the option on your side? And then on his side he's not open enough about sharing basic sex health info so you can give informed consent/look after your sex health?
  • Something else?

And frankly if he is having sex with other people I want to as well.
I'm not into double standards. I think people could do either open on both sides, or closed on both sides.

Because if open on both sides? Then it's the PERSON'S choice to exercise the option or not. And not like they don't even get the option at all because they agreed to "Open for me but not for you" stuff.

I never understand why people agree to do that kind of double standard.

But not sure I'd that is a good reason for becoming poly and also want to know the struggles and successes with the lifestyle.
Do you want to explore polyamory? You are prepared to not just have multiple relationships yourself but be ok with your partner(s) having them too? All you need is "I want to explore polyamory." It may or may not be for you in the end but if you find it appealing and want to try? You try.

I'm not a fan of jumping in blind though. You could read books like "Opening Up" or "Polysecure." You could listen to podcasts like the multiamory ones.

You could read articles like the most skipped step, or poly hell and how to f**k up a poly relationship to learn about pitfalls. Anita Wagner's old site can be reached on wayback machine.

You could work with a counselor experienced in non-monogamy to prepare. YMMV, but there is

Polyamory is not the "bandaid" for couples having problems, getting bored with each other, dead bedroom, cheating, etc. Poly also has a way of shining a light on all the cracks that were already there -- like if a long term couple has slid into bad habits with each other like taking each other for granted, sliding into a rut, etc.

There's also discovering that you and a partner might both want polyamory, but how you each practice it? Is not compatible.

So I suggest you tread with caution and take the time to really think on things and not just jump in blind.
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Greetings MTP1972,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I think the book "Opening Up" (by Tristan Taormino) would be helpful to you in laying out the basics of open/poly for you, and helping you decide whether poly is right for you. Honestly, people try poly for all sorts of different reasons, and any one reason isn't necessarily bad, if it works for that/those person/s. Hopefully can answer some of your questions.

Kevin T., "official greeter"


There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
Other good books that are a bit more current than Opening Up (which is excellent in general, but has a couple small issues with being sensitive about racism, etc.) are Designer Relationships and Polysecure.