Could use some advice

[keepinon]

Me, M34, and my partner, NB28, have been together for 9 years. During that time, we have always been poly and each other's nesting partners.

My partner, about 3 years ago, had another partner for a little over a year, and then broke up. I haven't really been looking for another partner. But after making a friend, things with the friend, 25M, slowly ramped up. We started talking kinks and exchanging nudes, but mostly just playful.

Once I came to the realization that I was starting to develop feelings for this friend, I knew I had to speak with my partner, but at the time they were in a lot of pain. So I waited till they were feeling better to talk about it. At first they were happy and wanted to hear about it, until it switched to jealousy. I tried to be compassionate and work through it with them. After a little bit, it seemed things have cooled down, and I thought things were back in order.

After I went to bed, they stayed up and decided to snoop through my messages. We have always been open with our phone pins with each other, and have prior said our messages are open to each other. They went through my chat log with my friend, were upset by the sharing of nudes, and felt like I betrayed their trust. They then handled it very poorly, yelled me out of bed, and started an all-night conversation.

Since then, we've realized we did not truly do all the work needed for a secure poly relationship. Lots of conversations have happened. I feel as though I have been very understanding of the situation and have been willing to work through it. It feels like I am not being afforded the same grace and it has me frustrated. We have the relationship closed while we work through this. I have agreed to keep things PG13 with the friend.

But nothing seems to be enough for my partner. It is starting to make me feel like they think they are able to do poly right and think my way is wrong. I feel like we were both in the wrong and need to work through it. But, I think, to work through it, we have to trust each other. What should I do in this scenario?

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this is happening.

Here are my impressions. I could be wrong. I don't know if it helps you any.

Me and my partner have been together for 9 years. During that time we have always been poly and each other's nesting partners.

Ok.

I haven't really been looking for another partner, but after making a friend, things with the friend slowly ramped up. We started talking kinks and exchanging nudes, but mostly just playful.

Is this your first kink person? Is partner upset about that? Did they think kink was something you only shared with them? What about nudes? What are they jealous/upset/afraid/angry about?

We have the relationship closed while we work through this. I have agreed to keep things PG13 with the friend.

For how long is this temporary closed thing? Is there a clear end point for when this temp closed ends and it returns to open/poly? What is the purpose? To set up X counseling appointments first? To read a book together? Something else?

Could it have been, "We agree to no dating new people, existing people stay" instead?

We have always been open with our phone pins with each other and have prior said our messages are open to each other.

What is the propose of this practice, instead of just keeping your passwords and passcodes to all devices private?

Do all persons know you do this, or are you betraying 3rd-parties' confidence in showing partner their texts and things without them knowing? Is partner betraying 3rd party confidence in showing you other people's texts and things without them knowing?

I think you could passcode all your things. It's a natural consequence to partner just up and snooping in your stuff.

They went through my chat log with my friend, were upset by the sharing of nudes, and felt like I betrayed their trust.

Well, was sharing nudes with other people off the table? Did you break a shared agreement around that? Or do they just not like what they found in the snooping?

Lots of conversations have happened. I feel as though I have been very understanding of the situation and have been willing to work through it. It feels like I am not being afforded the same grace, and it has me frustrated.

Do they share the same willingness to work through it, or do they just want to yell?

There are some people that make a fuss so YOU break up with them. They want to end it but don't want to be the breaker upper. So they make things difficult so YOU do it. Is that happening here?

But nothing seems to be enough for my partner. It is starting to make me feel like they think they are able to do poly right and think my way is wrong.

People can have different dating styles. They don't have to be the same.

The bottom line is, do you still want to be together, or not? Are you two compatible with each other still, or not?

I feel like we were both in the wrong and need to work through it, but to work through it we have to trust each other. What should I do in this scenario?

If you are going to try to work through it, you could consider working with a poly counselor, if you can avail yourselves. Or maybe you want one for just you, for individual support.

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

You don't have to trust each other RIGHT NOW. You have to want to work through it. Trust could be rebuilt through the process.

Have they apologized for snooping in your phone? Waking you up to yell at you? What else did they do wrong?

What about you? Have you apologized for whatever you did wrong? What was it?

Since then, we've realized we did not truly do all the work needed for a secure poly relationship.

When this started, you two were 25 and 19. There are a lot of changes in the teens and 20s. Is it possible you two have outgrown each other?

GG

 

[Magdlyn]

Am I right in understanding that in all these 9 years together, as polyamorous partners, your partner only had one, 1-yr relationship, and you have been texting/sexting with one person, whom you maybe haven't even met yet? Why has there been so little poly dating in almost a decade of IDing as poly?

Having sex with their partners is what most polyamorous people do. Why was your NP shocked to see sexual content between you and this friend?

I agree with GG that sharing all texts with each other should stop, should've stopped years ago. That's too much enmeshment for a poly couple, in my opinion, and probably as a general guideline. It can be upsetting for some to see graphically sexual words and images, or even terms of endearment, declarations of love and desire, etc., between their long-term partner and a new person. There's no point to it.

Your sex life with any partner is between you and that partner, whether it's a long-term partner, or someone you've just started talking to.

If you don't trust NP to not snoop, change your passwords and tell them you and any new partner deserve privacy. Period.

And they deserve privacy too, if and when they date.

I can't imagine what NP is thinking--"OMG, you saw this other guy's cock??" *clutches pearls* Dick pix are a dime a dozen in the dating world, poly, mono, straight or gay. In fact, they aren't even a dime a dozen. They are free. lol

(Check out Fetlife. You'll see all the amateur pix of nether regions any person could ever want.)

 

[keepinon]

Is this your first kink person? Is partner upset about that? Did they think kink was something you only shared with them? What about nudes? What are they jealous/upset/afraid/angry about?

That's the thing. It was just sharing kinks, not actually participating in them. To them, they only share nudes with partners. I do not feel that way, personally. I find it a part of flirting.

For how long is this temporary closed thing? Is there a clear end point for when this temp closed ends and it returns to open/poly? What is the purpose? To set up X counseling appointments first? To read a book together? Something else?

Could it have been, "We agree to no dating new people, existing people stay" instead?

The temp closing was for us to work together on a new set of agreements and boundaries, as our prior set was just a verbal conversation early on in the relationship. Besides me talking to my friend, figuring things out, neither of us are involved with anyone else.

What is the propose of this practice, instead of just keeping your passwords and passcodes to all devices private?

Do all persons know you do this, or are you betraying 3rd-parties' confidence in showing partner their texts and things without them knowing? Is partner betraying 3rd party confidence in showing you other people's texts and things without them knowing?

I think you could passcode all your things. It's a natural consequence to partner just up and snooping in your stuff.

This was another thing from early on. As far as I am aware, this is the first time they snooped on my phone. I think it was more of a trust thing early on, but I was under the impression that we would ask to see, not just snoop. Going forward, I do want a "no going into private messages" policy, as this really rocked the boat of my trust in them, for that kind of thing.

Was sharing nudes with other people off the table? Did you break a shared agreement around that? Or do they just not like what they found in the snooping?

I was under the impression that sharing nudes was not off the table, as they are okay with it in a group chat form. I think the idea of limiting nudes is a really silly idea. To me, it's just bodies.

Do they share the same willingness to work through it, or do they just want to yell?

There are some people that make a fuss so YOU break up with them. They want to end it but don't want to be the breaker upper. So they make things difficult so YOU do it. Is that happening here?

They do seem willing to work through it. But I keep feeling hurt, because they keep treating it as if I cheated on them, and I have not treated them any different for their breach of trust. I don't think they want me to break things off. I have been very clear that I still love them deeply and am putting in the work to fix things.

People can have different dating styles. They don't have to be the same. The bottom line is, do you still want to be together, or not? Are you two compatible with each other still, or not?

I can't seem to get them to understand this. They seem to want me to handle it the same way they date, but I have my own ways. The sharing of nudes happened before we were in an official relationship, so I don't see why I would date other people any different.

You don't have to trust each other RIGHT NOW. You have to want to work through it. Trust could be rebuilt through the process.

Have they apologized for snooping in your phone? Waking you up to yell at you? What else did they do wrong?

What about you? Have you apologized for whatever you did wrong? What was it?

I do understand that the trust needs to be rebuilt and I am willing to put in the work. But it feels like they are not meeting me at the same playing field by treating me as though I crossed a boundary when there was no boundary to cross. We have both apologized for what we have done in this situation, but it doesn't feel as though mine has been accepted.

When this started, you two were 25 and 19. There are a lot of changes in the teens and 20s. Is it possible you two have outgrown each other?

I don't feel that we have. We have been through a lot of personal growth together and I really enjoy our dynamic. We have a lot of shared interests. We are both very attracted to each other still. I wouldn't be willing to put in the work if I thought it would be best if we split ways.

 

[keepinon]

Am I right in understanding that in all these 9 years together, as polyamorous partners, your partner only had one, 1-yr relationship, and you have been texting/sexting with one person, whom you maybe haven't even met yet? Why has there been so little poly dating in almost a decade of IDing as poly?

This has been my first poly relationship, but the idea of it felt right for the views that I hold. I don't like the idea of marriage. It feels like needing to put restrictions in place because you don't want the other person to have feelings for anyone but you. Throughout the 9 years, I really didn't end up making any connection that gave me any feelings. I really don't just want to jump into relationship after relationship, but I like to be receptive in case anything feels right. I have met the text person as a friend a few times now and my partner was aware of them as a friend.

Having sex with their partners is what most polyamorous people do. Why was your NP shocked to see sexual content between you and this friend?

That was my impression too, and I figured they were having the same kind of chats with others. But I have felt very secure and have never felt the need to ask.

I agree with GG that sharing all texts with each other should stop, should've stopped years ago. That's too much enmeshment for a poly couple, in my opinion, and probably as a general guideline. It can be upsetting for some to see graphically sexual words and images, or even terms of endearment, declarations of love and desire, etc., between their long-term partner and a new person. There's no point to it.

After all the reading, I do also agree on having the sharing of texts stop. When that agreement was made, I was really only taking my feelings into account, and since I wasn't having any other dates at the time. Now having a person whose privacy was invaded because of a choice I made years ago really made me rethink that agreement.

Your sex life with any partner is between you and that partner, whether it's a long-term partner, or someone you've just started talking to.

That is something that is now part of the work in progress agreements.

I can't imagine what NP is thinking--"OMG, you saw this other guy's cock??" *clutches pearls* Dick pix are a dime a dozen in the dating world, poly, mono, straight or gay. In fact, they aren't even a dime a dozen. They are free. lol

(Check out Fetlife. You'll see all the amateur pix of nether regions any person could ever want.)

Their reasoning was they felt I was hiding things from them when I came to them and mentioned I was realizing I was starting to have feelings for this friend. I only didn't talk about it with my partner when the feelings came because they were dealing with a lot of pain at the time. I realize now that waiting took away their agency in the situation, but I thought it wasn't too big of a deal, since I haven't done anything in person, sexual or even video chat, sexy times or erp. They are also aware of nudes I post in a big nsfw chat group they are also a part of, so I don't see the difference in sending pics one on one when I already do in group settings.

 

[keepinon]

One other thing that has developed in this situation is them bringing up that they feel like they want to just start dating before we even get through the agreements, to "make me feel like I made them feel." I think that idea is stupidly vindictive and really isn't going to make me feel like they do, because I am not bothered by them dating. I have held myself back from saying that if they choose to do that I will go back to pursuing my friend. I think that would just cause more hurt in the situation. I just really don't know how to get things back on track.

 

[Magdlyn]

Well. Okay. Things are heated. It's clear you two need to go back to basics and really learn how polyamory works, now that you've found someone new you want to date.

Take your time. It's okay to take, say, 6 weeks, 2 months? to learn more about polyamory. Both of you. This learning would consist of reading many many threads here. You can use the search engine to look up specific topics, such as jealousy, boundaries, foundations.

It's important your NP do as much research as you. This isn't going to work if you do all the work. Both of you need to give 100%.

We have a reading resources list here which is super great. Books, articles and a podcast. There are even poly-themed (fictional) movies that end up exploring common topics.

Check out our Golden Nuggets forum for resources, and archived mega threads.

https://polyamory.com/forums/golden-nuggets.26/

The one thing is, though, to learn how to communicate properly, for best results. Look up Non-Violent Communication here, or on the web. There are techniques for communicating effectively.

When you go into this, don't overdo it. Keep deep conversations to an hour at a time. Take breaks. Breathe. Eat, exercise, sleep. Drop the topic regularly, and have fun romantic dates to remember why you love being together.

Whenever someone gets emotionally flooded in a talk and starts spouting nonsense out of pain, like, "I'm gonna date just so you see how I feel," stop, tell them it's time for a break, and walk away. Leave the room, leave the house, if necessary.

 

[keepinon]

Take your time. It's okay to take, say, 6 weeks, 2 months? to learn more about polyamory. Both of you. This learning would consist of reading many many threads here. You can use the search engine to look up specific topics, such as jealousy, boundaries, foundations.

We have been doing a lot of reading in the past 2 weeks. So far we have made it through Polysecure and are working on the work book from that.

When you go into this, don't overdo it. Keep deep conversations to an hour at a time. Take breaks. Breathe. Eat, exercise, sleep. Drop the topic regularly, and have fun romantic dates to remember why you love being together.

That is how the conversations have been going, frequent breaks and trying to be understanding. I have tried to setup romantic dates and each time I have been met with a response that I am doing it as a second choice.

 

[keepinon]

One other frustrating aspect that happened was I was on my friend's side of town, and wanted to stop by to drop something off. I communicated this with my partner, with the clear wording that if this is something that would make them feel uncomfortable I was okay with them saying no. They said it was fine, as long as it was a quick drop by, and I agreed. Went through with everything and even brought home dinner.

Later that evening, they were upset that I wanted to see my friend without them. Mind you, they also had a scheduled class to attend during the time I was away. After asking why they did not just explain to me that it made them uncomfortable to let me do that, they said they thought I was trying to use it as a catch 22, that if they said no I would hold it against them. It is strange that this is their reaction, because I have always been pretty direct, because I hate being misunderstood. This is not something that I have a history of doing, so being accused of it is really hurtful.

I feel like they are overreacting, but I don't know how to go forward, because telling them they are overreacting would not help the situation. I hate that it feels like they are allowed to be poly, but they don't want me to even want another partner.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello keepinon,

You have read "Polysecure" ... that's the most important thing. You should also get a poly-friendly counselor if you can. Your partner is hitting you with a double standard, and that's not cool. They are projecting their own hangups onto you, such as thinking you would hate it if they got themselves another partner. You are going to have to be very patient with this, they aren't going to fix their dysfunctional thinking overnight. Anyway I hope you can see some progress.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Evie]

I doubt their double standards are going away anytime soon. Poly for me but not for thee is a tough one to navigate. How long will you kow tow to their unreasonable controls?

 

[keepinon]

I doubt their double standards are going away anytime soon. Poly for me but not for thee is a tough one to navigate. How long will you kow tow to their unreasonable controls?

Is this something likely to just be a constant battle? After more talking, trying to figure out what it is that is the core issue of the problem, their view is that I told my friend about my feeling for him before I told my partner. Part of me wants to say if that is so much of a problem for them to know that, then they should not have went through my private messages.

I am finding it hard to be so compassionate when it does not seem that I am being afforded the same compassion. Now, with me doing the work and having words for what I am feeling, and even though we have went through the same resources, they feel that I am "on a higher level," and that I am using it to drag them down more. It seems whatever I do, it's taken as an attack.

 

[GalaGirl]

Going forward, I want a "no going into private messages" policy, as this really rocked the boat of my trust in them for that kind of thing.

Put passcodes/passwords on. No policy is needed then. Your devices are yours. Partner's got their own.

I was under the impression that sharing nudes was not off the table, as they are okay with it in a group chat form. I think the idea of limiting nudes as a really silly idea. To me, it's just bodies.

To them, it is not "just bodies." In the group chat, they are THERE in the group. It sounds like they don't like you sharing your nudes without them involved somewhere. And you know what? They do not HAVE to like it. They're your nudes. You share them how you want. If they can't deal in that, or you two can't find a reasonable compromise like, "Share how you want, just not at work" or something, then accept the incompatibility.

It goes both ways. If you want them to understand you are different from them, you have to understand they are different from you. You two figure out if these differences are insurmountable, or what.

Their reasoning was they felt I was hiding things from them when I came to them and mentioned I was realizing I was starting to have feelings for this friend. I only didn't talk about it with my partner when the feelings came because they were dealing with a lot of pain at the time.

Feelings are not facts.

You guessed wrong in trying to be considerate, since they had other things going on at the time. Well, how would they like to receive news moving forward? Since this has already been poly all this time, can this be the "heads-up" thing, NOW that you are going to poly date other people, flirt and all that?

Do they really want a play-by-play of every little thing? Even if they do... do YOU feel like giving it to that degree? Or do you only want to share major news?

Maybe you two need to talk about what is "need to know," what is "newsworthy," what is "optional," and what is "don't bother me with that."

One other thing that has developed in this situation is them bringing up that they feel like they want to just start dating before we even get through the agreements, to "make me feel like I made them feel." I think that idea is stupidly vindictive and really isn't going to make me feel like they do, because I am not bothered by them dating.

So, go ahead and date based on current agreements, without making new ones, or just date without any agreements.

It IS vindictive to come at dating people to "punish you," but if they move on to dating, and you do too, maybe you'll each just find more compatible partners?

Sometimes it also takes being on the other side before a partner goes, "Oh, I get it now."

I have held myself back from saying that if they choose to do that I will go back to pursuing my friend.

If it's open again, then it's open on both sides. You date on your side as you please, including this friend. They date on their side as they please. And it fast tracks to shaking off the bumps and smoothing out, or fast tracks to a break up.

That's a bold move, but honestly, sometimes one can make the bold move.

I have tried to set up romantic dates, and each time I have been met with a response that I am doing it as a second choice.

Then stop trying to organize. Take a break. Leave it to them to take their turn organizing dates.

One other frustrating aspect that happened was I was on my friend's side of town, and wanted to stop by to drop something off. I communicated this with my partner, with the clear wording that if this is something that would make them feel uncomfortable I was okay with them saying no.

I think you could have just dropped off the thing and NOT checked in, because dropping off stuff is not a big deal. Don't set this "checking in" precedent, where the partner gives you permission to do this or that. You are not a child, and neither are your partner or your friend.

After asking why they did not just explain to me that it made them uncomfortable to let me do that, they said they thought I was trying to use it as a catch 22, that if they said no I would hold it against them.

Does your partner accuse you of doing the things your PARTNER does to you?

I feel like they are overreacting, but I don't know how to go forward, because telling them they are overreacting would not help the situation. I hate that it feels like they are allowed to be poly, but they don't want me to even want another partner.

I notice you do the same thing the partner does. You use "feel" in place of "think" and "observe/experience." You could leave "feel" for emotions, "think" for thoughts, and "observe/experience" for the behaviors you observe or experience. There's enough weirdness and confusion here without piling more on by mixing up words.

Your partner sounds like they want poly for them and not for you.

Now, with me doing the work, and having words for what I am feeling, and even though we have went through the same resources, they feel that I am "on a higher level," and that I am using it to drag them down more. It seems whatever I do, it's taken as an attack.

Is this partner healthy/stable enough to practice polyamory with?

Is this partner flipping things around on you to avoid taking personal responsibility for how their choices and behaviors affect you?

Is there any DARVO stuff going on?

SOMETHING here is just off. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

https://rhntc.org/sites/default/files/resources/rhntc_hlthy_rlshp_wheel_spectrum_10-13-2022.pdf

Galagirl

 

[keepinon]

Put passcodes/passwords on. No policy is needed then. Your devices are yours. Partner's got their own.

Yeah that has been done.

To them, it is not "just bodies." In the group chat, they are THERE in the group. It sounds like they don't like you sharing your nudes without them involved somewhere. And you know what? They do not HAVE to like it. They're your nudes. You share them how you want. If they can't deal in that, or you two can't find a reasonable compromise like, "Share how you want, just not at work" or something, then accept the incompatibility.

It goes both ways. If you want them to understand you are different from them, you have to understand they are different from you. You two figure out if these differences are insurmountable, or what.

Yeah I have been trying to express that to them but they are being difficult about it. They seem to be under the impression that our personal boundaries need to be exactly the same. Where I think we should both have our own agency on that and just understand that we feel different on the matter.

Is there any DARVO stuff going on?

SOMETHING here is just off. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

I don't believe any of it is DARVO stuff. Going through Polysecure, we both understand that we have some unhealthy coping mechanisms from childhood trauma. Up until this situation, it seemed to be a healthy relationship, but more and more it's seeming that they may have thought they had complete control in the relationship, and me falling for a second person broke that view for them.

 

[keepinon]

This situation would be so much easier if I felt the way my partner thinks I feel about the relationship. (They did specifically say that they think I want out of this relationship and want to have something set up before ending it.) It starts putting doubt in my mind about their motives, since financially they would not be able to live without me and would have to go live with their parents. The fact that I love them so much makes all this hurt me more.

On top of that, I am sure that my friend won't want to get caught up in this all again, and that also makes me sad, because it was a really good connection. I am less and less sure about the future as the days go on.

 

[keepinon]

We had another conversation so I have another update. They said that they feel like they had placed me on a pedestal, and when I had interest in someone else, they felt like they were being replaced. Now they are back to being mad that I am still texting my friend, even with the compromise that we will keep things "pg-13." I will not just ghost my friend, and it's really icky that they even suggested it. I am mostly just venting at this point. I just really feel lost.

 

[Evie]

Is this something likely to just be a constant battle?

I think you're already starting to notice your own answer to this.

After more talking, trying to figure out what it is that is the core issue of the problem, their view is that I told my friend about my feeling for him before I told my partner. Part of me wants to say if that is so much of a problem for them to know that, then they should not have went through my private messages.

I think you're both still digging down to the core issue. It's starting to appear like it's an abandonment one, a fear of not actually being lovable.

I am finding it hard to be so compassionate when it does not seem that I am being afforded the same compassion. Now, with me doing the work and having words for what I am feeling, and even though we have went through the same resources, they feel that I am "on a higher level," and that I am using it to drag them down more. It seems whatever I do, it's taken as an attack.

So, do you have access to couples therapy to work through this together with professional support?

 

[keepinon]

So, do you have access to couples therapy to work through this together with professional support?

That certainly would make it easier, but it's not something we can afford.

I think you're both still digging down to the core issue. It's starting to appear like it's an abandonment one, a fear of not actually being lovable.

Those are probably the feelings they are going through, but it feels like they are taking those feelings and using them as weapons.

I think you're already starting to notice your own answer to this.

Yeah… It’s starting to become pretty clear that I could have handled this situation differently and still had this same outcome. I don’t think they were expecting me to ever want another partner, and I think it’s more of a problem to them because the person I like is gay, and my NB partner is AFAB. That is also a subject that I can’t even begin to discuss with them because they are going to get defensive and it will be back to, “No, I don’t have a problem with the person. I have a problem that you didn’t tell me EVERYTHING.”

I think I deserve some autonomy and respect in this situation. The more they complain about me talking with my friends, the less respected I feel, and it is starting to make me want to just talk with my friend more.

The icing on top of the whole situation is my partner is also recently starting being friends with another polycule, and getting attention from them, and then using any time one of them expresses interest to be like, "Look, I came to you first with this, like you should have."

But yet they haven’t mentioned any of the problems we are going through to that polycule, because they don’t want the polycule to think they don’t know how to be poly. They also can’t seem to understand that the way they are doing it is not the correct approach, and instead is being used as an attack.

After writing this down it almost makes me think that they are just trying to destroy this relationship to have an excuse to run off to the other polycule.

 

[Magdlyn]

That certainly would make it easier, but it's not something we can afford.

It's too bad you can't afford it, because it seems like you and Partner are talking past each other, instead of with each other. One states something, the other gets defensive, and denies it, or makes excuses, or attacks.

In lieu of a counselor, maybe look up the communication techniques of "Non-Violent Communication." Basically, it involves active listening, and making "I statements" about one's feelings, then sharing one's wishes and desires.

Those are probably the feelings they are going through, but it feels like they are taking those feelings and using them as weapons.

It’s starting to become pretty clear that I could have handled this situation differently, and still had this same outcome. I don’t think they were expecting me to ever want another partner,

You say: "What I am hearing is that you didn't expect me to ever want another partner. You are surprised I have a friend who could develop into a partner. Is that right?"

Then your partner says: "Yes, that's right." Or, "No, it's more like [xyz]."

You listen and restate what you heard them say, until they feel fully heard and acknowledged.

Then you say something like: "I hear you didn't expect me to have feelings for this friend, or, if I did, to tell you as soon as I suspected I did. Is that right?"

Once they acknowledge, say, "Okay, I understand. Now, I do have feelings for Friend. Where do we go from here?"

I think it’s more of a problem to them because the person I like is gay, and my NB partner is AFAB. That is also a subject that I can’t even begin to discuss with them, because they are going to get defensive, and it will be back to, “No, I don’t have a problem with the person. I have a problem that you didn’t tell me EVERYTHING.”

Since you have already covered the "tell me everything upfront" topic, this shouldn't be a problem.

The next problem is, the Friend you like is cis and gay. You can let current partner vent about being AFAB and NB and how that makes them feel, in general, or in comparison to Friend. You acknowledge all their feelings. You don't dismiss their fears, you don't defend. You let them vent, and you restate what you heard. Once they feel heard, you reassure them that their gender ID doesn't matter to you. You love them for who they are, since you are pansexual (or something like that). Their fears about being NB are their fears to own, and learn to deal with, and live with.

The next topic (for another day, maybe) is this:

I think I deserve some autonomy and respect in this situation. The more they complain about me talking with my friends, the less respected I feel, and it is starting to make me want to just talk with my Friend more.

Boom. Your feelings. Ask Partner to restate what they heard, by at least saying, "Okay, I hear that."

The icing on top of the whole situation is my Partner is also recently starting being friends with another polycule, and getting attention from them, and then using any time one of them expresses interest to be like, "Look, I came to you first with this, like you should have."

Again, you say: "I hear you would like a heads-up about feelings happening, ASAP, which you are now demonstrating to me."

At this point, Partner knows you have feelings for Friend, and you know that one or more of their "polycule" has feelings for them. You can ask if Partner has feelings for one or some of the members of this 'cule, as well.

The information has been shared, on both sides. The request (for a heads-up about feelings) has been acknowledged and seen to be reasonable.

But yet they haven’t mentioned any of the problems we are going through to that polycule, because they don’t want the polycule to think they don’t know how to be poly. They also can’t seem to understand that the way they are doing it is not the correct approach, and instead is being used as an attack.

This is between Partner and their new polycule. You don't even need to know about their negotiations. You know there are feelings happening, perhaps on both sides. Whether that develops nicely or goes to hell in a handbasket is Partner's business, not yours.

If partner is swept up in NRE for the new folks, and wants to leave you to pursue them, and go on their way, so be it. Cross that bridge when you come to it.

After writing this down, it almost makes me think that they are just trying to destroy this relationship to have an excuse to run off to the other polycule.

You could keep this fear to yourself, perhaps (vent it here), until the above stuff has been done.

This is all stuff you can find laid out/reinforced in the Non-Violent Communication materials you can find online, or in our archived threads in Golden Nuggets.

 

[GalaGirl]

Up until this situation, it seemed to be a healthy relationship, but more and more it's seeming that they may have thought they had complete control in the relationship, and me falling for a second person broke that view for them.

Are you saying you realized that this is not a healthy relationship to be in? Partner wants complete control of everything, including you?

They said that they feel like they had placed me on a pedestal, and when I had interest in someone else, they felt like they were being replaced.

Are you being split, like one moment, you're super great and on a pedestal, and the next moment, the dastardliest of all?

Splitting - Idealization and Devaluation — Out of the FOG | Personality Disorders, Narcissism, NPD, BPD

Definition: Splitting - The practice of regarding people and situations as either completely "good" or completely "bad". No Middle Ground Splitting is described in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic & Statistical Manual (DSM-IV) as “A pattern of unstabl

outofthefog.website

I am less and less sure about the future as the days go on.

This sounds complex. You might decide you aren't up for complex, especially if it comes packaged in an unhealthy relationship.

After writing this down, it almost makes me think that they are just trying to destroy this relationship to have an excuse to run off to the other polycule.

Some people do that. They want to end it, but want YOU to be the "breaker-upper."

Some people do "loyalty tests."

I'm not a doctor, but you might read and see if anything is hitting here. Something is off somewhere.

Top 100 Traits & Behaviors — Out of the FOG | Personality Disorders, Narcissism, NPD, BPD

of Personality-Disordered Individuals

outofthefog.website

You might also read this.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.

www.scarleteen.com

If this isn't going anywhere healthy, it's okay for you to break up. You don't have to concern yourself with who they date next -- this polycule or otherwise.

I'm sorry, though. It sounds hard.

GG