Crush while in monogamous relationship

B

BlueWale

New member
Hey! I'm 19, non-binary and in a monogamous relationship with a woman, while being polyamorous. First of all, I am happy in my relationship and I knew it was gonna be monogamous from the beginning.

I am currently living abroad for a volunteering project and I found myself crushing on my flat mate. I don't plan on acting on my feelings and I didn't plan on doing that since the first time I noticed them.

Now there is the issue that she is currently dating a fellow volunteer, and they are all lovey-dovey. It hurts me to see that. Although I know logically I just have to wait until my crush vanishes, it's really hard.

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with that?

Secondly, I feel kind of guilty of my feelings, even though I don't act on them. I'm unsure if I should tell my girlfriend about it or if it would just make her unnecessarily anxious that I live with someone I have a crush on. Obviously, I thought about asking her if she wanted to hear about it, but on the other hand, she will know I have the crush the minute I ask her, because it would just come out of the blue if I ask her: "Hey, btw do you want to know if feelings arise for someone else?" She's not dumb. She's actually quite emotionally intelligent.

Anyone ever experienced that and has an advice how to handle the situation? Thanks for the help in advance!

Your BlueWale
 
Unless it's just a few weeks left on your volunteer project, I'd move. Seriously.
Crushes go away if you are NOT around the person. If you are? I don't know.
 
I can't move. The accommodation is provided by the organisation and I don't have enough money for an own home. We have 8 months left.
 
At 19, perhaps an 8+ month, long distance relationship was a bit ambitious. Of course you're going to develop crushes on new people on this time. Why you would agree to monogamous relationship at 19 when you already know you're poly at heart is likely based in naivety, and you're discovering that it's time for a hard decision. Because if it's not your flatmate, it going to be someone else. You know that eventually the kind thing will be to break up with your mono partner so they can find someone who is also mono (unless they are truly open to a mono-poly relationship) so why put it off until you get back?
 
You are right. It was rather ambitious. We did say that we won't hold each other from seeing other people when we drift apart. My flatmate is straight and also dating, so it's definitely not going to be her. I put it off right now because it still works and it's hard to let someone go you love. Except me being poly and her mono we fit very well together, so we wanted to give it a shot. Is it so unlikely to get happy in a monogamous relationship?
 
Mono people have to deal with crushes all the time. Just because you choose monogamy doesn't mean crushes don't happen. It just means you don't act on them.

That being said, being away 8+ months is hard. And having a crush on your flatmate is a disaster waiting to happen. If you care about your partner, I'd end it while you are away. You can always get back together, if it's what you both still want after this trip is over. But staying in it, fighting feelings for your flatmate and possibly cheating and ruining your relationship isn't a great idea.
 
BlueWale said:
Is it so unlikely to get happy in a monogamous relationship?
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Have I seen it happen? Yes. But it's so rare, I wouldn't count on it being you.

You are still young. You have a lot of relationships left in your life. You will grow and learn. It takes a ton of learning to really know what you want and don't want. Go out and be poly, I say. The more experience you have, the clearer things will become.
 
Except me being poly and her mono we fit very well together, so we wanted to give it a shot.
Click to expand...

So why can't you two share friendship? That might be a relationship shape that fits better. Then she'd be free FROM poly things she does not want. She can date people who want to share monogamy. And you'd be free TO poly date how you want. You can date people who want to share polyamory.

Is it so unlikely to get happy in a monogamous relationship?
Click to expand...

That depends.

If she is monoamorous (the desire or capacity to love one sweetie) AND monogamous (only wants 1:1 relationship shapes), then she can't be in a mono-poly thing, where she dates just you, and you date other people. She might have the one sweetie, but it is NOT her preferred relationship shape. She is not mono and ambiamorous, like she could be happy in monogamy shape, or happy being an end point person in a poly V, just not a hinge.

If you are polyamorous (desire or capacity to love more than one sweetie) and ambiamorous (can deal with being in either a monogamous relationship or a poly relationship), then a monogamous relationship might be okay, as long as you get to talk about your poly thoughts and feelings and do not go around bottled up.

But if you prefer poly relationship shapes, where you want the ability to date other people, and do NOT want to limit it to monogamy, it's going to be a problem.

If either one of you is bending into pretzels and going against your core values just to get to date the other one, at first it isn't so bad because New Relationship Energy has you distracted and besotted. But over time, it's going to start to pinch, and you may come to regret/resent making that kind of choice. Taking turns wouldn't solve it either (like one year monogamy, another year polyamory). Taking turns with which one is doing the thing they don't really want might seem like fair misery. But it's not healthy.

"We are perfect together, except for this one thing" might be okay if one likes rock and roll and the other likes country music. Headphones exist. But for relationship shape compatibility, it's not a "small thing." It's pretty major.

Galagirl
 
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Bobbi said:
Have I seen it happen? Yes. But it's so rare, I wouldn't count on it being you.

You are still young and have a lot of relationships left in your life...to grow and learn. It takes a ton of learning to really know what you want and don't want. Go out and be poly....the more experience you have the clearer things will become.
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Thanks for the advice! I'll need to think about it. I will probably concentrate on getting over my crush first.
 
GalaGirl said:
So why can't you two share friendship? That might be a relationship shape that fits better. Then she is free FROM poly things she does not want. She can date people who want to share monogamy. And you are free TO poly date how you want. You can date people who want to share polyamory.


If she is monoamorous (desire or capacity to love one sweetie) AND monogamous (only wants 1:1 relationship shapes), then she can't be in a mono-poly thing where she is dating just you, and you can date other people. She might have the one sweetie, but it is NOT her preferred relationship shape. She is not ambiamorous, like she could be happy in monogamy or happy being an end point person in a poly V or something.

If you are polyamorous (desire or capacity to love more than one sweetie) BUT ambiamorous (can deal with being in either a monogamous relationship or a poly relationship), then a monogamous relationship might be okay, so long as you get to talk about your poly thoughts and feelings and do not go around bottled up.

But if you prefer poly relationship shapes, want to ability to date other people and do NOT want to limit it to monogamy, it's going to be a problem.

If either one of you is bending into pretzels and going against your core values just to get to date the other one, at first it isn't so bad because New Relationship Energy has you distracted and besotted. But over time, it's going to start to pinch and you may come to regret/resent making that kind of choice.

"We are perfect together, except for this one thing" might be okay if one likes rock and roll and the other likes country music. Headphones exist. But for relationship shape compatibility, it's not a "small thing." It's pretty major.
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Thank you for the explanation! I was never able to describe how I felt being polyamorous, but still being able to be happy in a monogamous relationship.
 
Sounds like you are "ambiamorous" then.

How secure is she? Does she want to hear about poly thoughts and feelings or would she rather pretend that side of you doesn't exist? Do you get to be authentic you in this relationship?

GG
 
Hello BlueWale,

The nice thing about crushes is, you don't have to act on them, you can just enjoy the feelings. On the other hand, maybe you are having second thoughts about being in a monogamous relationship. Maybe you are wanting to transition into a polyamorous relationship.

It isn't easy to be crushing on someone, and watching them date someone else. You probably wish you could profess your love for your flatmate, but you can't because you are in a monogamous relationship, and you just have to watch her be all lovey-dovey with someone else. Maybe you even feel a little jealous.

Hopefully this crush will go away after a while.
Sincere regards,
Kevin T.
 
I always knew I was poly, but I am old... I was born in 1955. And now you're probably gonna click away lol

Anyway, we didn't have a word for the ability to love and desire more than one back when I was being raised. Basically if you loved/desired two or more, you were a cheater, even in your heart, and therefore evil, a horrible sinner.

So, I denied my nature and got married and lived mono for 30 years. It was hard on me in some ways, because I'd get crushes all the time. But when I had kids at 30, I was able to spread my love around. Maybe that helped a little, not with the sex part, of course, but just to learn to love more than one in a socially acceptable way.

However, my husband could always tell when I had a crush, and he'd be mean about it, passive aggressive, or raging, or vengeful. I'd try to deny it to seem like a good wife, placate him, feed his ego.

Finally, when our three kids were teens, I couldn't do it anymore. I was already 53! But we divorced and I lost no time starting to date other poly people. I finally came into my own.

My marriage wasn't wasted time. I got along with my ex in many ways, we had some great times, we had three beautiful kids. But I'd denied my nature. I thought I had to. You know you don't have to. You CAN be poly. More and more young people are.

However, we poly folk are still bucking the system. It's not easy being poly. Check our our resources on polyamory and ENM and read read read. (Maybe the reading will distract you from your hot flatmate lol)

 
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