Hi folks. I’m a man. About 16 months ago my wife (of 15 years) asked me if she could make out with a friend. That escalated a bit and she decided she was poly. I was OK with it, although I didn’t really feel like dating anyone else.
At some point, we moved outside my “window of tolerance” by accident and I had a little freak out and asked to shut things down. She agreed, but there was a lot of pain for both of us for about 6 months. We both felt sad and betrayed (her because I had never shown jealousy before). I worked on myself and we decided it was OK to open up again.
She has lots of dates lined up. Sometimes that scares me. I openly express my feelings about things being scary for me, but I tell her I’m not expecting anything. I’m just being very honest so we don’t accidentally end up somewhere I can’t tolerate again. This makes her feel sorry for me, and I feel bad for raining on her parade.
I felt like I had a bit of a lack of agency, so even though I’m not particularly driven to it, I started to build ambiguous romanticish relationships with other women outside of our marriage, just to not feel so sorry for myself. I’ve been upfront about this with my wife. I recently told my wife I was going to formally ask one of these women out on a date.
My wife really didn’t like that and she said that it made her feel like we should close down the relationship. She feels bad that she’s been causing me pain and discomfort by dating and she feels threatened by me having a relationship with another woman.
Now my wife wants to shut things down. I feel really guilty. I’m actually fine not dating and was just starting to do it as a coping mechanism. But I feel like my wife really wants to explore something in her and I’m letting my insecurities and coping strategies fuck it up for her. I just want to be her rock and let her explore these things.
I want to tell her, “I’m not going to date. I will be your base. So please don’t shut things down just because of my insecurities. I will work on processing my negative emotions better.”
I’m just afraid that I’m getting myself into a situation that will just lead to me feeling terrible later, if I’m not able to actually process my emotions better. I’m also worried I’m not taking up more space. But I just really want to be a supportive partner in this context. And I don’t want to feel like I’m inadvertently trapping her, a poly girl, in a mono relationship.
At some point, we moved outside my “window of tolerance” by accident and I had a little freak out and asked to shut things down. She agreed, but there was a lot of pain for both of us for about 6 months. We both felt sad and betrayed (her because I had never shown jealousy before). I worked on myself and we decided it was OK to open up again.
She has lots of dates lined up. Sometimes that scares me. I openly express my feelings about things being scary for me, but I tell her I’m not expecting anything. I’m just being very honest so we don’t accidentally end up somewhere I can’t tolerate again. This makes her feel sorry for me, and I feel bad for raining on her parade.
I felt like I had a bit of a lack of agency, so even though I’m not particularly driven to it, I started to build ambiguous romanticish relationships with other women outside of our marriage, just to not feel so sorry for myself. I’ve been upfront about this with my wife. I recently told my wife I was going to formally ask one of these women out on a date.
My wife really didn’t like that and she said that it made her feel like we should close down the relationship. She feels bad that she’s been causing me pain and discomfort by dating and she feels threatened by me having a relationship with another woman.
Now my wife wants to shut things down. I feel really guilty. I’m actually fine not dating and was just starting to do it as a coping mechanism. But I feel like my wife really wants to explore something in her and I’m letting my insecurities and coping strategies fuck it up for her. I just want to be her rock and let her explore these things.
I want to tell her, “I’m not going to date. I will be your base. So please don’t shut things down just because of my insecurities. I will work on processing my negative emotions better.”
I’m just afraid that I’m getting myself into a situation that will just lead to me feeling terrible later, if I’m not able to actually process my emotions better. I’m also worried I’m not taking up more space. But I just really want to be a supportive partner in this context. And I don’t want to feel like I’m inadvertently trapping her, a poly girl, in a mono relationship.
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