Divorcing my Poly Husband?

[lovelee56]

A couple months ago I posted a thread regarding an issue I was having in my relationship: https://polyamory.com/threads/hes-c...-and-i-dont-know-how-to-feel-about-it.157000/

To summarize, my husband and I were in a polyamorous relationship for 5 years. (He essentially poly-bombed me.) He began dating a woman and I eventually found out he was telling her that he was planning to leave me and my children for her. I got a lot of support and feedback for this, which I am so grateful to this community for!

After the previous thread was posted, I waited a while to confront my husband about his cheating, as I was a stay at home mother with no income and, unfortunately, I needed to come up with an exit plan. I actually did end up going back to school and have a job, and my parents/family are helping in supporting me during this time.

A few weeks later, it turned out that my husband's girlfriend ended up dumping him (something along the lines of she wanted someone who was monogamous to her and didn't have the baggage of a wife and children). My husband was devastated and came to me for support, which I felt upset about, because I felt that he was just settling/running back to me because the woman he really wanted to be with didn't want him. So I ended up telling him that I'd snooped through his phone that one time, and saw the text messages that he was planning to leave her for me. He didn't really know how to respond, but made the excuse that he was deep in NRE and knows he should have been more responsible.

To be honest, I was never a huge fan of being polyamorous. As I mentioned, my husband poly-bombed me because he knew I didn't have the means to leave him (I was financially dependent on him), and he took advantage of that. After a while, I noticed that my husband started to take things out on me, making passive-aggressive remarks about how he is having financial difficulty and how all the financial burden falls on him. We got into a big argument over a parking ticket I got that he had to pay for, and when it got heated, he blurted out that in his past relationship with his girlfriend he wouldn't have had to worry about bills. I was so angry and disgusted with his behavior. I asked for a divorce later and we are now in the process of separating. It sucks, but it's for the best.

My husband is now saying that I am breaking up the family and that we should work it out for the kids. (We have a 4-year old daughter and a 7-year old son.) He has also been depressed, saying that he doesn't want to be alone. (It seems like he hasn't had much luck dating after his girlfriend broke up with him. Nothing is really sticking.) But honestly, I'm done. I'm tired of feeling like a safety net/back up option and I know that he will cheat again if I stay.

Would it be unfair for me to ask for child support and alimony? Even though I am working on my career now, I did give up years of my life to raise the children and feel like I am entitled to something. My husband said this would be unfair, as we are both working. I am also in the process of getting my own place, possible with the help of my family. To this day, my family doesn't know that we were polyamorous and I was seeking guidance here on how I could explain it to them. It's very difficult to find a polyamorous-friendly therapist that I can process with.

Has anyone else here been through divorce? I know it's very different with poly couples. I was also looking for resources on therapy/materials that I could use to move forward. I don't think that I will practice poly in the future. It's not for me, and my husband traumatized me with it. He just wanted an excuse to cheat without consequences, and I don't think that is what polyamory is supposed to be about.

 

[Evie]

"My husband is now saying that I am breaking up the family and that we should work it out for the kids."

Bullshit.

"Would it be unfair for me to ask for child support and alimony?"

Nope.

"I know it's very different with poly couples."

Where did you get this idea? Divorce is divorce. A lot of 'poly experiments' and even long term successful poly relationships end in divorce, as do at least 50% of monogamous relationships these days. Largely instigated by the wife, largely because of infidelity. This isn't much different. You gave it a shot of him having (keeping) his cake as well as eating it, and it hasn't worked. It's okay, you can leave now. Here's a permission slip.

Go do you, and be happy.

 

[GalaGirl]

I actually did end up going back to school. I have a job. My parents/family are helping support me during this time.

Good for you!

I asked for a divorce. We are in the process of separating. It sucks, but it's for the best.

Also good for you!

My husband is now saying that I am breaking up the family and that we should work it out for the kids.

Divorced families are still family. I think he's just surprised he can't have you around for his back-up plan any more. You decided to move on.

Maybe what your kids need to see/learn is you leaving a bad situation, so if this kind of thing ever happens to them when they grow up, they will know what to do to be HEALTHY. Sometimes divorce IS how people work things out.

He has also been depressed, saying that he doesn't want to be alone. (He hasn't had much luck dating after his girlfriend broke up with him.)

Those are his problem to deal with, not yours-- his depression, his fear of being alone, and the fact the people are wising up to the fact that he's not all that great to date if he behaves like this towards people. It's not your job to fix any of that for him. Him being scared to be alone is also not a reason for you to stay unhappily married to him.

But honestly, I'm done. I'm tired of feeling like a safety net/back-up option, and I know that he will cheat again if I stay.

Yup. Good for you in being done!

Would it be unfair for me to ask for child support and alimony? Even though I am working on my career now, I did give up years of my life to raise the children and feel like I am entitled to something.

Does he suddenly stop being the father just because you divorce? No. They are his children too. They are entitled to child support. Did you take a ding career-wise being the stay at home parent? Yup. You deserve alimony.

Talk to your lawyers and go max. And make a plan with lawyer if he goes deadbeat dad and shirks on his payments for things. Do wages get garnished? How do they normally deal with shenanigans? Ask your lawyer all the things.

It's not like he's had a wonderful track record for behaving well towards you. He was a sneaky and slippery fish. You could expect more of same. Be prepared, hope for the best, but don't be surprised if he does new wacky. Don't let him talk to you into new wacky like he talked you into this poly thing. Stand firm.

My husband said this would be unfair, as we are both working.

Say, "I see you think that would be unfair." Simply acknowledge that you heard him say that. Not mean, not nice, just neutral. It doesn't mean you agree or that YOU think that. You actually don't have to care about what your soon to be ex thinks/feels. He can work on all that with a counselor. You are not it.

Talk to your lawyer. Don't let your husband talk you out of what you are entitled to, including part of his retirement up to the date of the split, shared assets, shared debts. Y'all split those fairly with the lawyers. Some STBXes get lawyers to play "starve the spouse" and try to get away with stressing the spouse out so much they will take LESS than what they are entitled to, just to get the divorce ordeal over with faster.

Start canceling any joint credit cards so he can't run them up and saddle you with half the load. Remove half the money from joint checking. It takes two people to go to the bank to close a joint account. It takes one person to take ALL the money out and leave nothing. Get copies of all records up to the date. Get your important papers (ID, passport, birth certificate, etc.) out of the home and into a safe deposit box, before he eats them or burns them or does shenanigans, because, while they can be replaced, it's another thing to have to do.

I'm hoping not, but some STBXes go bananas in the divorce process and do some really awful things. You might need a safe leaving plan if things get really awful. So watch out for those games. Ask the lawyer about them and what you need to do to protect yourself and the kids. I'm glad you have family to support you through this.

I am also in the process of getting my own place, possible with the help of my family. To this day, my family doesn't know that we were polyamorous and I was seeking guidance here on how I could explain it to them. It's very difficult to find a polyamorous-friendly therapist that I can process with.

They don't have to know if you don't want to tell. If anyone asks, it's enough to say,

"No, thank you. I don't want to talk about that."

"No, thank you. I see my therapist for that. I don't want to talk about that outside therapy when I have a whole life to reboot. I'm stressed enough."

"No, thank you. There are reasons I don't want to talk about that. Just accept that we ended up not compatible in a big way, so I want a divorce and a life separate from him."

You get to say or not say whatever YOU want.

Has anyone else here been through divorce? I know it's very different with poly couples. I was also looking for resources on therapy/materials that I could use to move forward.

In most places, people can only legally marry one person. I'm not sure where you got this idea. The divorce process is the divorce process. General divorce support groups and materials might be enough.

Or you could talk to a poly counselor, not because you want to be poly, but because this happened to you like this and they may have insight you might not get otherwise on the poly bombing, the cheating on poly agreements, taking you for granted, some of the nasty behaviors, etc. Maybe this helps you find someone.

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

I don't think that I will practice poly in the future. It's not for me. My husband traumatized me with it. He just wanted an excuse to cheat without consequences, and I don't think that it what polyamory is supposed to be about.

There's nothing wrong with wanting monogamy. You seem to see clearly enough. This was NOT any kind of healthy polyamory. He just wanted to do whatever.

I'm glad you are getting on with building your new life. I hope the transition is as smooth as possible.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi lovelee56,

I think it would be fair for you to ask for child support and alimony. Your husband thinks it's unfair, but he is not taking into account the past years you devoted to staying at home. As for how to out yourself to your family, you make it as simple as possible ... "I am [or have been] nonmonogamous." Then you field their questions and objections within reason.

I'm sorry you don't want to practice poly anymore, I'm sorry your husband traumatized you with it. I hope you know you're always welcome here, no matter what happens. Hang in there, I know this is hard.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

I legally separated from my ex in 2008 and we divorced in 2011. We had 3 kids (2 were legally adults, 19 and 21, the youngest was 16). I got alimony and half of everything my ex and I owned together, since, in my state, a spouse who has been married for over 10 years is entitled to that. We shared custody of our son until he turned 18. My ex was making much much more money than me at the time, so he paid for the majority of our son's expenses.

I'd been a stay at home, homeschooling mother for most of the time our kids were school age. (Just some part time paid work here and there.)

Of course you should ask for alimony and child support! Get a good lawyer.