Does anyone ever wish they weren't polyamorous?

H

harleyquinn

New member
I love my poly identity. But at the moment Im going through a phase where I wish I could just feel completely happy with my current partner alone and not have any desires for anyone else. I have a beautiful relationship with my primary partner, emotionally, physically, intellectually etc..

This feeling has been triggered by some feelings of rejection and loss from someone that I was involved with. I know it will pass with time, but I cant help but think about how much heartache might be spared if I didn't fall in love with other people. But even now I find myself fantasising about my next romance and other people.

Does anyone ever feel like this or know the feeling?
 
Whereas my partner has another partner, I myself only have the one partner. And while I am open to the possibility of dating outside my V, I don't feel any great yearnings to do it. So maybe I don't count as polyamorous. At the least, I'm not so deeply invested in it that it makes me wish I wasn't polyamorous.

Of course that's just me ...
 
Yes, totally! Having had a long-term and extremely stable relationship with my husband, I've had more heartbreak in the past few years than I've had since my teens. It hasn't been all bad, by any means, but I've discovered that a lot of the things I thought were fixed in my own character were actually just buried because no-one had triggered those feelings in me.

I have also experienced that some of my partners (and I use the term very loosely!) have treated me perhaps more callously than they would otherwise, because in their eyes, I have a relationship to fall back on, so what they do can't hurt me that much. I don't think that's true at all though.

I hope you manage to put the feelings of loss and rejection behind you soon and find what you're looking for.
 
It's not an identity for me; I don't buy that hard-wiring theory. I call myself a polyamorist, not polyamorous, because it's something I do, not something I am. Yes, certain types of people are more inclined to be able to handle it and be satisfied, but it's a choice I make based on numerous things about me and my life. So I can choose at any time to be monogamous and I'd be perfectly happy with the right person.

At any given moment in time, we create our realities and have choices.
 
I am hardwired to be non-monogamous. I've never really thought about this. Looking back on my serial monogamy days, I'm not sure if I would have been happier being truly monogamous or happier if they had been poly. As for my poly days, I've had some heartache, but it came as a result of dealing with someone who was mono. Maybe I just wish everyone was poly.
 
I think some people are hardwired to it (Mal for one) and some are not (me for one).

Do I wish we were mono? No, I really don't. When he and Djinn were going though so much upheaval it was really hard on me. I didn't like being the only one he had. Now I know he has other partners (more FWB, but still) I am much happier. But none of that changes that I don't want (or need) more partners.
 
Nope. I just wish it was more mainstream and accepted so that people would have better awareness of where they sit on the spectrum between mono and poly.
 
I feel both poly and mono, depending on the relationship. I've had partners with whom poly felt natural and sweet. I've had partners with whom I felt a strong exclusive desire. I don't feel an allegiance to any "lifestyle" or group. Some people I date are open to poly and don't even know it until they meet me and it comes up, so I don't see any dividing line between poly and mono people unless someone strongly identifies either way.

I think your question is more about how you deal with hurt and loss than it is about poly, harleyquinn. As learner said, a mono relationship can serve to put unresolved issues into dormancy, but those issues are still there and will resurface eventually. Being open to new relationships keeps a light shining on how you deal with these issues, but having just one partner at a time doesn't save you from the feelings.
 
Last edited:
harleyquinn said:
I love my poly identity. But at the moment Im going through a phase where I wish I could just feel completely happy with my current partner alone and not have any desires for anyone else. I have a beautiful relationship with my primary partner, emotionally, physically, intellectually etc..

This feeling has been triggered by some feelings of rejection and loss from someone that I was involved with. I know it will pass with time, but I cant help but think about how much heartache might be spared if I didn't fall in love with other people. But even now I find myself fantasising about my next romance and other people.

Does anyone ever feel like this or know the feeling?
Click to expand...

Wow. And I mean wow! We had a bit of a blowup this afternoon, and I left the heated discussion wishing we would never have discovered our poly side. I know it is the only way we will be truly happy because monogamy is not for us.

She is in love deeply with Vitamin A, and is not afraid to express it to both him and me. I have no problem with that. What tears me up inside is when we have a difference of opinions she will take his side 100% of the time for fear of offending him. She must figure I am secure enough to take it.

I am just healing from a broken relationship with a female who turned out to be mono. This was found out a few months into our relationship. I hate to say this, but it has left me a bit more fragile.

Now I get left feeling as the outsider at times. I was invited back to their dates, but she holds his hand and sits on the couch or bed with him and they talk among themselves. This leaves me to stare at the TV or cellphone to pass the time away while I am invisible to them. Some days poly sucks too...
 
Then perhaps group dates are not the way to go. Seems like common sense to me that if you don't want to feel "left out," don't tag along on their dates. Let them have their space and you go do your thing, and be a part of something else. Independence and autonomy are important for people in committed relationships, and necessary for personal growth.
 
nycindie said:
Then perhaps group dates are not the way to go. Seems like common sense to me that if you don't want to feel "left out," don't tag along on their dates. Let them have their space and you go do your thing, and be a part of something else. Independence and autonomy are important for people in committed relationships, and necessary for personal growth.
Click to expand...

Thank you for the reply. Maybe that is something that will need to happen. I did refrain from joining them for a few months, but that was uncomfortable for all because we are a V, and are all friends, so it is social as well as sexual.

I guess maybe I worded the issue badly. I was always told growing up that 3 friends doesn't work well because someone will be left out.

I don't expect anyone here to have the answer. I guess when I saw the posting it was the opportunity to vent.
 
I would think that sometimes all three people should get together, other times just two at a time should get together. That's been my experience in the V I'm in.
 
I would feel weird if either of my husbands tagged along on every date when I was with the other! We go out as a 3-pack sometimes, but definitely not every time!


I would never want to be mono. I sometimes have feelings when I think about how much easier things would be if I weren't poly, but then I remember that things would be harder as well. I totally identify as a poly person and I don't think I could return to being mono without being completely miserable.
 
These days, I often wish my wife and I had never decided to try practicing polyamory. For me, it has led mainly to isolation and despair.
 
For me, being monogamous was what led to isolation and despair.
 
I have always IDed as poly, but was happy being effectively (mostly) mono with MrS for years, because I didn't have "real" feelings for anyone else in the meantime. Now I do, and mono is not an option.
 
No, never. The idea of monogamy sounds horribly constricting and controlling to me - it's definitely not the way I'd want to live, nor something I'd want to inflict on someone else, especially not someone I claim to love. I'd rather be alone forever than to go mono even for a day.

It's as much part of my identity to be poly, as is is with any other orientation... IMO, polyamory is no more of a "lifestyle choice" than, say, being gay is. I always am polyamorous, no matter how many partners I currently happen to be in a 'ship with - frankly, that latter question is quite likely to remain "zero" for the rest of my life, and regardless of that, I'm still poly.
 
I don't wish I wasn't poly. I wish I had more hours and days in a week to spend with everyone important in my life.
 
Dagferi said:
I wish I had more hours and days in a week to spend with everyone important in my life.
Click to expand...

Well, you don't. None of us does. That's sort of the point.

It seems to me the height of folly to found a practice/way of life/"identity"/"lifestyle choice" (or whatever) on the premise that we really can have it all, everything we want, with no limits at all.
 
I hesitated to comment because we've hashed in other threads the various views on whether polyamory is a fixed part of someone's nature, or something one can choose.

I respect people who feel it is an immutable part of their identity. It is wonderful to know yourself! My own take on this is NOT an argument with your position or the validity of that. I feel I need to say that first, based on conversations that got...heated.

Personally, I'm all about free will. I want the freedom to change my mind, to be what I want, to evolve as I please and to not be held to absolutes. It might in fact be part of my very poly-ness, that I don't like the idea of lifetime commitments. But in the same vein, I can't take an identity label and say "I AM THIS AND WILL ALWAYS BE THIS." I can say that today, this feels right to me. A few months ago, it was that. In a few years it might be something else. And I'm gonna need that to be ok, since I figure I'll stop discovering my own nature when I'm dead.

So for right now I can be mono, because mono is working for me and I'm happy in it. Though I'm more...monogamish, maybe. There might be exceptions in the future. Hell. There could be anything in the future. My mindset is pretty flexible. But I was doing poly, and poly got to a point where it was not working for me. When I wished I was not poly, I stopped doing poly and transitioned to doing mono. For this phase, however long it lasts, a year or a couple of decades, whatever...I am living this way for now.

There are things that are solid identity things to some that aren't for me. Like sexual orientation indeed, I am straight-ish, I'm like on the bisexual spectrum at maybe 10-15% homosexual. I'm mono-ish-for-now. Neither of these things feel like Big Important Stuff that I need to dwell on or define. I'll do whatever. *shrug* It doesn't matter. That's how it feels. Now masochism...THAT is a Big-Important-Who-I-Am thing. One partner, two partners...do I have time for both of them to beat my ass? Male partner, female partner...who cares, are they a Sadist? That's the important part. I need what I need. I am who I am.

So, TL;DR version...wishing I wasn't something doesn't apply because I can choose to not be that/do that. I do however wish that more people were open to negotiation and more emotionally flexible about it. I'm sad to know that my man would be hurt by me becoming involved with another man if I did choose that one day. I can easily not choose that now. Today. But I don't know the future and I hope I never have cause to hurt him. I shall endeavor to choose not to. But. I have a changing nature and I don't know 100% for sure. It's a risk we take. All I can do is endeavor to act ethically and make sure he knows what my ethics and standards are.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top