Effective communication

LoveForTea

New member
The way I see it, Cdb931 is communicating clearly with us here who aren't emotionally invested. And he and his GF are not communicating effectively with each other in this matter, as neither of them seems to be taking in and reflecting the other's feelings and making them feel heard.

This may or may not be an insurmountable conflict. My view aligns with @fuchka here. And I imagine that both of them would benefit from learning to be more responsive when tough feelings come up, whether their future is separate or togehter.


For myself, I try to re-frame emotions by asking myself if I would feel the same way if the circumstances were the same but the cause was unrelated to sex. As an example, would you be experiencing the same animosity about taking a break from sex if the reason for needing to do so were different? What if your partner needed to leave for a month on a work assignment? Or wanted to go climb mount Everest? I find this sort of activity useful when I am trying to identify what emotions are a result of sexual programming. With that information you can better understand how to work on those emotions if that is the sort of thing you have the desire to work on...
This is a great way to reframe it, I am sure I will find this useful for myself. I appreciate you for writing that!
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
It's not my jam, but a bukkake party is a completely identifiable form of kink. Organisers tend to be really strict on testing, and yeah, sure, nothing is foolproof, but experienced participants will tell you that the likelihood of catching an infection is pretty damn small.

Bukkake parties are an identifiable form of kink…..as a opposed to gangbangs and creampies being what ???

AND because international bukkake organisers might have scrupulous standards across the globe that doesn’t mean 2 chicks wanting dicks in every orifice / hand are going to have that same set of standards.



what about covid ?

with my limited first hand knowledge of such parties or events I do know the participants enjoy recording them for playback and or for sale. If the op hasn’t made enquiries on that he should because he may end up seeing this one day.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
She did recently tell me that doing this was not a deal breaker for her. She has still stopped responding to me though, I think she is emotionally exhausted. I think I will take a break too, as I should focus on other things as you say and not let this relationship run my life.

With any luck, she is doing the same thing right now. As you mentioned previously this has been a pretty wild emotional roller coaster, complete with treacherous communication stumbling blocks, hurt feelings, and incompatible desires. That being the case, I hope that she is also doing some serious introspection into "what am I doing here? is this relationship a good fit for me or should I take this as my cue to make a change?"

Sounds like she wants to live her life, and that is absolutely unacceptable according to how you want to live your life. No one needs to be to blame here, it is just clear that you guys are trying to smash a square peg through a round whole... and everything is getting smushed.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
You folks have covered a lot of ground. Great job. I hope it helps Cdb.

I was intrigued, Cbd, where you said your "NRE" was just beginning, 2 years into the relationship, and perhaps just as your partner's is fading... You said you don't really get aroused until you've been with a person for about 2 years? So, you're demisexual to the extreme. It takes you a long time to trust, and you can't have (good) sex without trust.

But then, you said you do have sex with your gf, and are even fluid-bonded at this point. So, I'm confused. These 2 things don't quite add up. You don't have to answer, if it's too personal. I'm just curious.

Maybe you have had sex before now, in this 2-year relationship, but it has not been very satisfying for you, since you don't fully trust gf (as usual), and your hormones haven't been that ramped up. Has this been a problem for you, or for this gf, or former gfs? You have sex, but it isn't that great (for either of you) because you're not comfortable enough to really enjoy yourself? I wonder if gf has been feeling sexually unsatisfied for a long time. If sex was brief of extremely vanilla, she may be jumping into a rather extreme scene because she's frustrated.

I could be wrong, of course.

Also, since, as dingedheart brought up, gangbangers often like to make videos, and you say gf has a large circle of acquaintances who are into this kind of thing (videos or not), just what is her history with kink/gangbangs/other activities? Her interest in your 1:1 relationship, where you felt reserved until now, is waning a bit. Maybe this jump into a bareback gangbang is just the first of many edgy activities that are more to her taste than a vanilla 1:1, or at least, extremely important. Does this come as a surprise, or had you become aware of her tastes over 2 years together, and her past experiences and feelings about the same?

Maybe your gf has been a sex worker, or has friends who are sex workers, porn actors, dancers, etc. I'm sure this has come up before, despite your sudden surprise at your aversion to this gangbang idea, and the whole idea of semen, yours or anyone's, in general. If your gf hangs with kinksters, there is going to be lots of strange semen spraying around. Not all of it will be caught in condoms, as I guess yours always is. Even if you did make a condom rule for PIV or PIA, eventually, what about semen in the mouth, or on the body? You'll have to imagine that.

Maybe in therapy you can explore any past traumas that may relate to your slowness to trust, your inability to enjoy sex much until a relationship is about 2 years in, and even whether this could be related to your sex-fluid aversion, possibly. (I am wondering about that. I have had partners with sex-fluid aversions, and it has been a bit of a problem at times.)
 
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Cdb931

New member
Thanks everyone. We broke up. I told her I felt rushed and that I was sad she was doing it. She told me I was giving her misleading vibes, because I was literally telling her I wanted her to enjoy herself. I did actually say this, but I clarified after that while I wanted this for her, it was very difficult for me to manage emotionally and I was being hurt by it. She told me it wasn't fair that I was telling her that I supported her and I wanted her to do it, while not telling her that it was hurting me so much emotionally until way later. I never actually told her not to do it until the day before. I laid it out on her, saying I felt very uncomfortable and she was ruining the poly experience for me. I went a little harsh, honestly I was just feeling very anxious and I was saying things I didn't mean. But at the end of the day it isn't what she's looking for. She said she needs clear communication from the beginning and can't be accused of doing things she isn't aware of.


We called it quits yesterday. Honestly I will really miss her, but I probably need someone more on my level. I am ok with swinging or light poly, but I can't handle what she wants in life. She wants total freedom to do as she wishes with her body but she doesn't seem to realize that it's my body too, and what she does directly effects me. I also have a certain level of jealousy I can tolerate without it effecting my daily life. This was beyond that. I wasn't able to work for two days because I was so sad about not being able to fluid bond with her for so long. I was also so incredibly jealous that it was consuming me. I wish she started us off with MFM. I could have started with that then tried MMMF or MMMFF. MMMMMF is just an entirely different experience IMO. I would need to be way more comfortable with myself, and everyone to be ok with that.

Anyways, Thanks for your help guys. Very much appreciated.
 

Cdb931

New member
You folks have covered a lot of ground. Great job. I hope it helps Cdb.

I was intrigued, Cbd, where you said your "NRE" was just beginning, 2 years into the relationship, and perhaps just as your partner's is fading... You said you don't really get aroused until you've been with a person for about 2 years? So, you're demisexual to the extreme. It takes you a long time to trust, and you can't have (good) sex without trust.
Yes this is true. I only started becoming truly comfortable with her in the last month or so. So I was experiencing a lot of emotions of NRE, and then getting attachment anxiety over it.
But then, you have said you do have sex with your gf, and are even fluid-bonded at this point. So, I'm confused. These 2 things don't quite add up. You don't have to answer, if it's too personal. I'm just curious.
I don't understand your question. I've been having sex the whole time. I started with taking Viagra for the first 6 or so months. Then I was able to continue on my own without it. Even when I start to have sex, it's the same as anyone where it will take me a while to get entirely comfortable with my kinks and what not. I only got entirely comfortable with my kinks last month. Then when we finally started doing them, this was thrown at me. So I didn't handle it well.
Maybe you have sex before now, in this 2-year relationship, but it has not been very satisfying for you, since you don't fully trust gf (as usual), and your hormones haven't been that ramped up. Has this been a problem for you, or for this gf, or former gfs? You have sex, but it isn't that great (for either of you) because you're not comfortable enough to really enjoy yourself? I wonder if gf has been feeling sexually unsatisfied for a long time. If sex was brief of extremely vanilla, she may be jumping into a rather extreme scene because she's frustrated.
Yes it has been a problem, that's why I take Viagra at the beginning. No she loved it from the start. When she found out I had been taking Viagra she was really sad, saying she didn't know I wasn't experiencing the same thing as her. I told her I loved her still, it's just I have so much anxiety that I can't get it up. I still enjoy myself, but it's nothing like after a year or so. After that, I am a machine that will smash through their window as soon as I get a text saying "come over".
I could be wrong, of course.

Also, since, as dingedheart brought up, gangbangers often like to make videos, and you say gf has a large circle of acquaintances who are into this kind of thing (videos or not), just what is her history with kink/gangbangs/other activities? Her interest in your 1:1 relationship, where you felt reserved until now, is waning a bit. Maybe this jump into a bareback gangbang is just the first of many edgy activities that are more to her taste than a vanilla 1:1, or at least, extremely important. Does this come as a surprise, or had you become of her tastes over 2 years together, and her past experiences and feelings about the same?
No she has been saying she wanted to do this for a while. She was upset with me saying it's been long enough and she should be ok doing this. She said if I am upset now I will be upset later. But I told her I need my NRE to wear off a bit as it's literally peaking atm.
Maybe your gf has been a sex worker, or has friends who are sex workers, porn actors, dancers, etc. I'm sure this has come up before, despite your sudden surprise at your aversion to this gangbang idea, and the whole idea of semen, yours or anyone's, in general. If your gf hangs with kinksters, there is going to be lots of strange semen spraying around. Not all of it will be caught in condoms, as I guess yours always is. Even if you did make a condom rule for PIV or PIA, eventually, what about semen in the mouth, or on the body? You'll have to imagine that.
Yes, one of the friends who is sleeping with her is a sex worker.
Maybe in therapy you can explore any past traumas that may relate to your slowness to trust, your inability to enjoy sex much until a relationship is about 2 years in, and even whether this could be related to your sex-fluid aversion, possibly. (I am wondering about that. I have had partners with sex-fluid aversions, and it has been a bit of a problem at times.)
I can explore that yes, but we are done now. She is a bit too much for me I think. I know there are other women out there who would be happy enough with MFM.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
She only brought up this group sex event a week ago. And it's the first time out for you on this topic and more of a leap than you want to be doing. Like MFM is one thing, MMMMMFF with no condoms is another.

I don't know how fast of a turn around time she wanted. Like if you tell her "no, thanks" at the beginning, she gets mad. You tell her "no, thanks" now, she's mad you didn't tell her sooner.

No break up is fun. But in this situation, though I'm sorry to hear it, I think it was the best solution.

Then she can have freedom TO do whatever group sex stuff she wants with her body without having to consider your preferences.

And you have freedom FROM groups sex stuff and can have peace of mind on the body fluids front and not have to deal with her preferences.

Things just don't line up.

I think you are right that you may be better of with someone who is more compatible and more your style -- some light swinging or light poly. And not all this other stuff.

I wish you peace and healing over time.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
She only brought up this group sex event a week ago. And it's the first time out for you on this topic and more of a leap than you want to be doing. Like MFM is one thing, MMMMMFF with no condoms is another.
Poly does not automatically include group sex, so even MFM may not be a desire of a poly partner. Most poly people engage in 1:1 sex. Group sex is a kink, and not part of polyamory.
I don't know how fast of a turn around time she wanted. Like if you tell her "no, thanks" at the beginning, she gets mad. You tell her "no, thanks" now, she's mad you didn't tell her sooner.

No break up is fun. But in this situation I think it was the best solution.

Then she can have freedom TO do whatever group sex stuff she wants with her body without having to consider your preferences.

And you have freedom FROM groups sex stuff and can have peace of mind on the body fluids front and not have to deal with her preferences.

Things just don't line up.

I think you are right that you may be better of with someone who is more compatible and more your style -- some light swinging or light poly. And not all this other stuff.
I see you mirrored Cdb's term "light poly." I have never heard this term before. Polyamory means "multiple loves." How does one love "lightly"?
 
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Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Yes this is true. I only started becoming truly comfortable with her in the last month or so. So I was experiencing a lot of emotions of NRE, and then getting attachment anxiety over it.
NRE does not equal "attachment anxiety." It seems you have an anxious attachment issue, whether a relationship is brand new or of much longer duration.

Setting the end of this relationship aside (especially since it included the idea of a rather extreme kink session), I am sure it would benefit you and your future partners to address your anxiety issues. Right? Have you had therapy around this? Maybe Viagra is just one med you are on.
I don't understand your question. I've been having sex the whole time. I started with taking Viagra for the first 6 or so months. Then I was able to continue on my own without it.
I see. I once had a bf who was too anxious to get it up naturally the first few times we had sex. (And I was aware of his particular struggles with mental health.) Viagra worked once, and then it didn't work. So we didn't fuck for a couple of weeks; he just went down on me and fingered me, which he happened to love. (And he was great at this; I loved it too.) Since I accepted that and didn't judge him, he became more comfortable with me, and paradoxically began to achieve good erections quite soon.

6 months is a long time to feel too anxious to get hard naturally. I can't help but wonder what is going on there.
Even when I start to have sex, it's the same as anyone, where it will take me a while to get entirely comfortable with my kinks and what not.

I guess you mean you think everyone can't do kinks with a new partner. This is not the case. I do feel sex in general gets better as I get to know someone, but I can do kinks with newer partners, even during a first encounter, and vice versa.
I only got entirely comfortable with my kinks last month. Then when we finally started doing them, this was thrown at me. So I didn't handle it well.
Yes, that is too bad.
Yes, it has been a problem, that's why I take Viagra at the beginning. No, she loved it from the start. When she found out I had been taking Viagra she was really sad, saying she didn't know I wasn't experiencing the same thing as her.

So you hid your need for Viagra for quite a while...
I told her I loved her still, it's just I have so much anxiety that I can't get it up. I still enjoy myself, but it's nothing like after a year or so. After that, I am a machine that will smash through their window as soon as I get a text saying "come over."

haha
No she has been saying she wanted to do this for a while. She was upset with me saying it's been long enough and she should be ok doing this. She said if I am upset now, I will be upset later. But I told her I need my NRE to wear off a bit as it's literally peaking atm.

Yes, one of the friends who is sleeping with her is a sex worker.

I can explore that, yes, but we are done now. She is a bit too much for me, I think. I know there are other women out there who would be happy enough with MFM.
I think you would be happier with future partners if you were relaxed enough to let your guard down and be able to naturally enjoy sex and the kinks you like before 2 years goes by. I mean, if you're over 40 and there is a physical reason for ED, so be it. But with psychological things, it's good all around to dig into the root cause. It's none of my business, but because of your ED and semen aversion, I can't help but wonder if you suffered some kind of bad trauma/abuse when you were quite young. If so, you definitely have my sympathies.
 
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FallenAngelina

Well-known member
I am ok with swinging or light poly...

Not to pick nits, but to clarify what polyamory is all about:

Mags brings up a good point that there's no such thing as "light poly." In a partnership, you either agree that love with others is desirable or you agree that love with others is a deal breaker. There's really no such thing as slightly falling in love with someone. Maybe you mean swinging with friends when you say light poly?
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Yup. Group sex, kink, etc are not required in polyamory.

I don't know what OP means by "light poly." I assume he and his ex-partner had calibrated what he meant by that.

Maybe he means things like a "V" or "N" where it's kept relatively small, and not like a big extensive polycule with lots of people in the network.

Cdb931 -- what did you mean by "light swing and light poly?" Like you want to be mostly monogamish with a potential partner most of the time. But once in a great while could deal with your potential partner going to a swinging event, or your potential partner in a period of poly dating/having a poly relationship if it was kept to smaller configurations?

Or did you mean something else?

Maybe getting clearer on what it is you are and are not up for will help you seek a more compatible new partner when you are healed from this break up and ready to date again.

Galagirl
 
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MeeraReed

Active member
OP, I think you made the right decision. She will be so much happier if she can find someone who shares her kinks/fetishes/group sex interest, and you will be so much happier if you find someone who who is compatible with your views of sex.

But I can see why she's angry with you. It sounds like you were pretending to be comfortable with what she wanted sexually so that she would date you / keep dating you, and you didn't communicate your discomfort until it was way too late.

Right from the beginning, you weren't honest with her. She told you on the second date that she is a person who wants occasional group sex, and you claimed to be fine with that, but you didn't even ask clarifying questions on what she wanted exactly.

In addition, you weren't honest about your sexuality--the fact that you are so anxious about sex that you can't get hard without Viagra, the fact that you need a whole YEAR of emotional connection before you actually enjoy sex. You pretended everything was fine while secretly hiding your Viagra use. (Secret Viagra use might be okay if it was for a medical reason or just natural age, but not if it's because you secretly dislike sex until you feel emotionally comfortable).

How long had been having sex with her before you explained to her that even your own semen grosses you out? Someone who is into gangbang scenes (which seem to involve no condom use as part of the kink) is NOT compatible with someone who finds semen gross.

From her point of view, she thought you were being encouraging of her sexual exploration / kinks / group sex interest and she had no idea how uncomfortable it made you until it was way too late.

If you are upset that she wouldn't "compromise" with you on using condoms in the gangbang scene or starting out with MFM to help you feel comfortable, that's not really how it works. The point of the kink/fetish is not using condoms. (To be clear, I wouldn't be comfortable with my partner doing that without condoms either, and I would also set a limit of no sex until testing had happened again, but I wouldn't be begging him to use condoms just to make me comfortable--I would understand that the kink involves no condoms. And I would recognize his right to do what he wants with his own body--just as I can do what I want with my own body).

Also, a 7:1 group sex scene is just a whole different thing than other types of group sex. It doesn't build slowly from MFM to MMMF to MMMMF...it's a particular fantasy / kink / whatever. It's perfectly fine that you're not comfortable with that, but don't complain that she should have started with an MFM to involve you slowly. You aren't into men, so no sort of multiple-men group sex would be good for you.

I don't mean to be harsh with you. But you sound much like my ex boyfriend... everything from being too anxious to get hard, being uncomfortable with bodily fluids including your own, needing an exceptionally long time to feel comfortable or emotionally connected to someone, encouraging your girlfriend to pursue the sexual exploration she was honest about wanting...AND THEN not speaking up honestly about your discomfort until it was too late. AND THEN saying harsh things that you "didn't mean" during the breakup.

If you are demisexual and don't enjoy sex without a serious emotional connection, that is ON YOU to explain to prospective partners. They won't be able to guess! You should not be having sex with anyone without explaining that you are too anxious and uncomfortable to be really into it until much later in the relationship. That's a huge compatibility issue! You should not be encouraging your partner to explore group sex if you aren't actually clear on what that means or aren't actually comfortable with it at all.

It does sound like she wasn't very clear on the details of what sort of group sex she was into until recently. But the fact that she offered to help you arrange a multi-girl group scene for yourself indicates to me that YOU haven't been clear to her on what you like or dislike about sex.

I would encourage you to seek therapy to talk about how you can be more honest with prospective partners early in the dating process, rather than after two years of dating. There is a lot of pressure in our society to be sexual right away so maybe you feel like taking Viagra and powering through too-early sex when you don't really want to--but it would be SO MUCH BETTER to seek out partners who feel the same way you do about sex right from the beginning.

You are clearly open minded and willing to consider various styles of non-monogamy. But it might be better if you identify what YOU actually want rather than just trying to make any relationship work on the other person's terms. Not just because YOU will be happier that way, but because you genuinely HURT other people if you are not honest with them about what YOU want.

Indeed, that's no way to create a true emotional connection with someone. Which is what you seem to crave.

Don't be blaming her for "wanting total freedom." She probably thought that with you, she had found someone who was fairly compatible with what she wanted or was at least was happy to encourage her to pursue her fetishes on her own. Because she was honest from the second date, and you did not speak up until it was much too late!

Please don't do that to your next partner.
 
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HaloOnFire

Active member
Also, a 7:1 group sex scene is just a whole different thing than other types of group sex. It doesn't build slowly from MFM to MMMF to MMMMF...it's a particular fantasy / kink / whatever. It's perfectly fine that you're not comfortable with that, but don't complain that she should have started with an MFM to involve you slowly.


To be fair to @Cdb931, he may not have known that he was not comfortable in that situation until he actually got in it (please pardon the inadvertent pun). Some folks need baby steps, while others can just BASE jump on the first go around. OP sounds more like the latter, rather than the former, but that's just me.

You are clearly open minded and willing to consider various styles of non-monogamy. But it might be better if you identify what YOU actually want rather than just trying to make any relationship work on the other person's terms. Not just because YOU will be happier that way, but because you genuinely HURT other people if you are not honest with them about what YOU want.


While I realize everything I am about to post is moot point, given the fact that they broke up, however...

You mean like wanting someone to sign off on a 7:2 GB ratio within less than a week? I'm sorry, but that doesn't let her off the hook. She, in turn, hurt him immensely by continuing with the relationship KNOWING full well that he was not exactly comfortable with a lot of things. And either she knew and forged ahead anyway or she didn't see how uncomfortable he was. Or maybe, just maybe, she didn't care either way. And I would LIKE to think that after a year, she would have know he was like this, but apparently not. So even that middle point is suspect.

I don;t know though. Maybe experienced kinksters can clue me in. But if the GF knew she wanted to do that, shouldn't that point come up WELL before that it did? Kinda like, iuno...being poly? If I am wrong, I will be happy to be corrected, otherwise, I think the GF has as much work to do internally as OP does. But then again, that's just my 2 copper on the subject.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
To be fair to @Cdb931, he may not have known that he was not comfortable in that situation until he actually got in it (please pardon the inadvertent pun). Some folks need baby steps, while others can just BASE jump on the first go around. OP sounds more like the latter, rather than the former, but that's just me.




While I realize everything I am about to post is moot point, given the fact that they broke up, however...

You mean like wanting someone to sign off on a 7:2 GB ratio within less than a week? I'm sorry, but that doesn't let her off the hook. She, in turn, hurt him immensely by continuing with the relationship KNOWING full well that he was not exactly comfortable with a lot of things. And either she knew and forged ahead anyway or she didn't see how uncomfortable he was. Or maybe, just maybe, she didn't care either way. And I would LIKE to think that after a year, she would have know he was like this, but apparently not. So even that middle point is suspect.

I don;t know though. Maybe experienced kinksters can clue me in. But if the GF knew she wanted to do that, shouldn't that point come up WELL before that it did? Kinda like, iuno...being poly? If I am wrong, I will be happy to be corrected, otherwise, I think the GF has as much work to do internally as OP does. But then again, that's just my 2 copper on the subject.
I think Cdb's gf might have noticed that he had a lot of anxiety around sex, a hatred of even his own semen, an early 6 month struggle with ED, and who knows what else. So, she might have suspected that her jumping right into a big gangbang might be disturbing to him, to say the least. On the other hand, he already knew she hung out with porn actors and other people into rather extreme kink. So this should not have come as such a big shock!

Needless to say, all of this is not actually a polyamory problem. Doing a gangbang is not poly, it's acting on a kink.

It does seem like there was secretiveness on both sides, perhaps, all along. So yeah, there was a lack of communication!
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
I think Cdb's gf might have noticed that he had a lot of anxiety around sex, a hatred of even his own semen, an early 6 month struggle with ED, and who knows what else. So, she might have suspected that her jumping right into a big gangbang might be disturbing to him, to say the least.


This is sound reasoning, and I have no quibble with this statement.


It does seem like there was secretiveness on both sides, perhaps, all along. So yeah, there was a lack of communication!


Also no quibble with this assessment. I am in complete agreement with you there.


On the other hand, he already knew she hung out with porn actors and other people into rather extreme kink

However, with all due respect (and I really do mean that), this is where you lose me. Hanging out with people in porn is not necessarily indicative that you have those same tendencies and I will use myself as an example. I have had various friends and acquaintances who were into BDSM, which is fine. To each their own. However, with a lot, and by that I mean about 99%, of what was discussed I had ZERO interest in. The folks are friends, neighbors and countrymen, and we hang out and chat a lot. Never once did I wish to participate past the discussion phase.

I personally just have a very, very, VERY difficult time accepting the fact that if she knew he had such an aversion to bodily fluids, that suggesting that she do a 7:2 GB was going to be signed off on by @Cdb931 was going to be automatic. And she then compounded the issue by getting pissed off that he "took too long" in saying no. After a week. I don't know about anyone else in the room, but that just screams set up to me.
 

PinkPig

Active member
I personally just have a very, very, VERY difficult time accepting the fact that if she knew he had such an aversion to bodily fluids, that suggesting that she do a 7:2 GB was going to be signed off on by @Cdb931 was going to be automatic. And she then compounded the issue by getting pissed off that he "took too long" in saying no. After a week. I don't know about anyone else in the room, but that just screams set up to me.

I, personally don't disagree with your assessment of the gf. But, at the end of the day, it's more helpful to the OP for him to understand his part in what went wrong. We can't change other people but we can change how we communicate, whether we seek help for our own issues, and our own behavior. IMHO, this isn't a situation of blame. It's just simply a relationship in which the parties weren't compatible. There are no wrong or right people here. Just two incompatible people who both made mistakes in communication and in owning their part. Much more constructive, imo to look at how to prevent similar issues from happening again. Because, ultimately, if we don't own our own mistakes and issues, and work on them, we will repeat them again, which benefits no one
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
I, personally don't disagree with your assessment of the gf. But, at the end of the day, it's more helpful to the OP for him to understand his part in what went wrong. We can't change other people but we can change how we communicate, whether we seek help for our own issues, and our own behavior. IMHO, this isn't a situation of blame. It's just simply a relationship in which the parties weren't compatible. There are no wrong or right people here. Just two incompatible people who both made mistakes in communication and in owning their part. Much more constructive, imo to look at how to prevent similar issues from happening again. Because, ultimately, if we don't own our own mistakes and issues, and work on them, we will repeat them again, which benefits no one


I completely agree with you. And my apologies if my post read as assigning blame. You are correct in that this is a situation where 2 people are just not compatible with one another, end scene as it were.

However, in my defense, some of the posts came across as the gf not having any agency and/or responsibilities herself in the relationship and that did not sit well with me. Dumping all of that into OP's lap seemed entirely unfair to me as there were (at least!) two people in that relationship, both of which have an equal stake in it. Or, at least they should. :)

I hope they both find better partners and some measure of growth and a better understanding of themselves, if nothing else.
 

Cdb931

New member
Let me clear one thing up. I told her that I was supportive of her 7:2 GB. I told her I wanted her to have it. I was supportive from day one.
But as the days progressed and the visions went in my head etc, I got emotional. Each day I would say I was a little less comfortable, however I wanted her to do it.
By the end, she said I was basically guilt tripping her without telling her directly not to do it. However, I feel against telling someone what they can or cannot do. I would much rather tell them how much it upsets me and then let them decide what they want to do. It is their choice, after all.
Where I went wrong was not being direct in saying that I don't like it at all, and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who was doing that. I said the opposite, I told her it wouldn't threaten our relationship. I mean, I didn't break up with her, but it did in the sense that it made me very volatile.
On the last day, I told her it was rushed and she was rushing me into things. I said I wasn't ready for her to be doing that and I felt sad that she wasn't giving me the necessary time and space to work up to it.
However her response was that I was accusing her of some pretty horrible things, because I wasn't direct enough about feeling rushed until the day before.
I told her at any point, even if it's the moment someone is about to touch her, if I decide not to consent to it then it isn't consent. I can withdraw at any time, no matter how far we are into it. It is what it is.

So we broke up - she dumped me.
She went to the GB.

However she said she used protection, so there were no fluids going around.
I was quite relieved. Even though I am still emotionally distraught from it all, I am insanely attracted to her and I ended up hooking up with her a couple days after we started talking again. We had a long talk about the whole ordeal and she agreed to let me withdraw consent without giving me pressure next time. I also agreed to be more upfront in terms of what I want my partner to do, even though I am sort of against giving someone orders (haha but not in the bedroom).

So we are back together. She ended up not liking it anyway and she said she would rather it be on emotionally good terms. I told her I could work up to it but it would be a long process. I guess at this point I still wish it didn't happen, mainly because the people were from a community I know of and now I will feel awkward around them all. I have been to intimate events with them and have begun to get to know them but now I feel excluded and they also know we broke up over this too. Soooo anyways, I probably won't be seeing any of them again which is sad. Oh well.

Anyways, there you go. Thanks for the help everyone.
 

Cdb931

New member
OP, I think you made the right decision. She will be so much happier if she can find someone who shares her kinks/fetishes/group sex interest, and you will be so much happier if you find someone who who is compatible with your views of sex.

But I can see why she's angry with you. It sounds like you were pretending to be comfortable with what she wanted sexually so that she would date you / keep dating you, and you didn't communicate your discomfort until it was way too late.

Right from the beginning, you weren't honest with her. She told you on the second date that she is a person who wants occasional group sex, and you claimed to be fine with that, but you didn't even ask clarifying questions on what she wanted exactly.

In addition, you weren't honest about your sexuality--the fact that you are so anxious about sex that you can't get hard without Viagra, the fact that you need a whole YEAR of emotional connection before you actually enjoy sex. You pretended everything was fine while secretly hiding your Viagra use. (Secret Viagra use might be okay if it was for a medical reason or just natural age, but not if it's because you secretly dislike sex until you feel emotionally comfortable).

How long had been having sex with her before you explained to her that even your own semen grosses you out? Someone who is into gangbang scenes (which seem to involve no condom use as part of the kink) is NOT compatible with someone who finds semen gross.

From her point of view, she thought you were being encouraging of her sexual exploration / kinks / group sex interest and she had no idea how uncomfortable it made you until it was way too late.

If you are upset that she wouldn't "compromise" with you on using condoms in the gangbang scene or starting out with MFM to help you feel comfortable, that's not really how it works. The point of the kink/fetish is not using condoms. (To be clear, I wouldn't be comfortable with my partner doing that without condoms either, and I would also set a limit of no sex until testing had happened again, but I wouldn't be begging him to use condoms just to make me comfortable--I would understand that the kink involves no condoms. And I would recognize his right to do what he wants with his own body--just as I can do what I want with my own body).

Also, a 7:1 group sex scene is just a whole different thing than other types of group sex. It doesn't build slowly from MFM to MMMF to MMMMF...it's a particular fantasy / kink / whatever. It's perfectly fine that you're not comfortable with that, but don't complain that she should have started with an MFM to involve you slowly. You aren't into men, so no sort of multiple-men group sex would be good for you.

I don't mean to be harsh with you. But you sound much like my ex boyfriend... everything from being too anxious to get hard, being uncomfortable with bodily fluids including your own, needing an exceptionally long time to feel comfortable or emotionally connected to someone, encouraging your girlfriend to pursue the sexual exploration she was honest about wanting...AND THEN not speaking up honestly about your discomfort until it was too late. AND THEN saying harsh things that you "didn't mean" during the breakup.

If you are demisexual and don't enjoy sex without a serious emotional connection, that is ON YOU to explain to prospective partners. They won't be able to guess! You should not be having sex with anyone without explaining that you are too anxious and uncomfortable to be really into it until much later in the relationship. That's a huge compatibility issue! You should not be encouraging your partner to explore group sex if you aren't actually clear on what that means or aren't actually comfortable with it at all.

It does sound like she wasn't very clear on the details of what sort of group sex she was into until recently. But the fact that she offered to help you arrange a multi-girl group scene for yourself indicates to me that YOU haven't been clear to her on what you like or dislike about sex.

I would encourage you to seek therapy to talk about how you can be more honest with prospective partners early in the dating process, rather than after two years of dating. There is a lot of pressure in our society to be sexual right away so maybe you feel like taking Viagra and powering through too-early sex when you don't really want to--but it would be SO MUCH BETTER to seek out partners who feel the same way you do about sex right from the beginning.

You are clearly open minded and willing to consider various styles of non-monogamy. But it might be better if you identify what YOU actually want rather than just trying to make any relationship work on the other person's terms. Not just because YOU will be happier that way, but because you genuinely HURT other people if you are not honest with them about what YOU want.

Indeed, that's no way to create a true emotional connection with someone. Which is what you seem to crave.

Don't be blaming her for "wanting total freedom." She probably thought that with you, she had found someone who was fairly compatible with what she wanted or was at least was happy to encourage her to pursue her fetishes on her own. Because she was honest from the second date, and you did not speak up until it was much too late!

Please don't do that to your next partner.
She told me occasional group sex, and brought me to one of the events on our 5th date. It was not a 7:2 GB. Also, the other girl didn't show up when she did it..
The event she brought me to, we went together, and it was 6M 6F with different rooms etc. You had the opportunity for privacy, and it was fun actually. I don't know what to say, I don't like guys at all, and having 3-7 guys on 1 girl isn't fun for me. I'm sure it's fun for others, but not me at all. The event was nothing like a 7:2 GB. I am not interested in 7:2 GB. I also told her that I wanted to be included in the activities since day one.

If she would have told me literally from our second date that she wanted a GB with her and a bunch of guys, and that was an occasional semi frequent thing, I would have walked. I would have said I'm sorry but in no way is that enjoyable for me.

So I was honest, it's just we didn't go into great detail about the specific situations. We also didn't talk about the fluid thing much. She said she liked fluids, but I didn't realize she liked the fluid of 7 guys at once. It was a thing that wasn't really talked about, as it was our second date. She only went into detail about it last month.
I don't know - maybe I didn't ask the right questions. But at the end of the day, I wasn't being dishonest. The only thing I can do now is ask more questions I guess, and be more upfront about how much I dislike something.
Like new wording "Well, I would love for you to have that experience, but I get a really bad feeling from it that makes me want to throw up. I will be very hurt by it, as it isn't an activity I can participate in and I want to be involved".

Anyways, I get what you mean though, but at the same time my miscommunications were only over the course of a week. She didn't tell me this when we first got together and I went years keeping quiet. It was one week.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
This really isn't a polyamory issue at all. It is a kink/swinger issue. I strongly suggest you take this to Fetlife and post your concerns on an appropriate group there. I am sure you will find more information and support in the proper space.
 
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