Effective communication

Cdb931

New member
So I am in this relationship but we seem to be having communications issues. Basically, I am mostly monogamous. However, I am not completely opposed to open sexual activity and light poly on odd occasions. I just don't want it to be too heavily involved with my life.

Anyways, when I met my gf almost two years ago, on our second date she said she was wanting an open relationship. I said in what form? And she told me on odd occasions she would like to do group activities or when she's on vacations etc. This isn't much of an issue with me. I don't like it very much but the event is spread out enough where I can get over the bad feelings I get and get back to normal life without being constantly bombarded with jealousy emotions etc.

So finally last week she says she wants to participate in a group activity, and I am welcome to come. I ask what it is, and it's 5 guys on 1 girl or 7 guys on 2 girls. I am not interested in men what so ever, and don't want to participate. She asked how I feel and I said I guess it's ok for her to go, but I don't want to go at all. I also find out one of her friends that we've met is going there. She said everyone is getting tested etc for it. We also had a little talk where I did say I remembered her telling me she wanted to do open sexual activities in the future, and I would be ok with it. She told me this was something she wanted, and that it was a contributing factor to her getting into a relationship with me.

Anyways, I am not comfortable with male fluids. Barely my own. I don't like to touch it. I always wash myself right off after. I then find out one of the activities involved is unprotected sex with all of them, plus a cream pie from one of them.

I was hit with a lot of emotions but said Ok I'll do my best to compromise. I know I am not attracted to this, and likely won't want to have sex after for a few days. We talk and discuss what will happen before and after.

However as the days get closer, I get more and more anxious. I am entirely not comfortable sleeping with her after she has unprotected sex with multiple men. I try to envision a timeline and I think I would honestly need a month off. However, I don't want to control her or make her feel ashamed or punished for what she's doing. But at the end of the day, I don't like it at all, I feel way too exposed, and I find my own bodily fluids gross enough let alone someone else's inside of her.
I told her I would probably need to take a month off.
She is upset, saying I am ruining her activity by placing such negativity on it.

We move on, but then I am just getting more anxious from it. I find that I really really don't like it, and I am finding myself upset with her for taking away my enjoyment from sex with her for so long. She asked me, well what do you want me to do?
I don't like telling her what to do. I feel like it's controlling. But at the end of the day, I am fairly upset. I asked her if there's any way she can use protection and not let anyone cum inside of her and she said she doesn't think it's possible as logistically the condoms would probably slip on and off here and there. She said if I really want to make sure the condoms don't come off I need to come myself and guide her through the experience.

But I really don't want to see what's happening, and the entire situation I find to be awful. I am trying my hardest to pretend it isn't happening, but the unprotected sex is making me feel like it's violating my body at this point and I have justifiable reason not to want to have sex for a month after she gets tested again etc.

So we had another fight today about it where she said she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. She said it's too late essentially, I've consented, it's 100 percent happening, and she doesn't want to cancel on anyone. She also said I am a roller coaster in the sense that I am backing out after I previously said I would be ok, and that as the date gets closer my emotions are running more and more wild.

She again asked me what I want to do. I said I would really have a much much easier time, in orders of magnitude, if you didn't have unprotected sex. She said that defeats the purpose of a cream pie. She said she would allow only 1 male to creampie her and the rest had to cum on top. But I still don't like it. I don't like the unprotected sex at all, it's going to make me not want to have sex, and it's hurting me that she is choosing this over being intimate for me for potentially a month or longer. I said I would need 4 weeks to cool off and be comfortable again, which is true. I am fairly private with my sex life and if I knew anyone was having unprotected sex with multiple people I would stay away for a bit. I personally wouldn't do this. I don't want to expose myself to that, it's my body.

I could theoretically use a condom with her, but to be honest the choices she's making is going to make it hard for me to be interested in sex at all. I connect sex with emotion very strongly, and if I feel betrayed etc I become not interested in anything. I can't help but hold it against her that I am losing my sexual connection for so long. I also enjoy fluid bonding which I won't be able to do, unless I decide to fluid bond with the group of guys too. I don't want that, it's way way too much for me.


I am ranting at this point but I am wondering what anyone else has to say. How do I communicate this properly to her? She said she needs a strong boundary now where I can't talk about it anymore as it's a done deal. But I am feeling like it might damage our relationship now. The emotions are much stronger than I anticipated. I just wish she was using a condom.. urgh..

Anyways, thanks for reading guys. I really appreciate it.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
However as the days get closer, I get more and more anxious. I am entirely not comfortable sleeping with her after she has unprotected sex with multiple men. I try to envision a timeline and I think I would honestly need a month off. However, I don't want to control her or make her feel ashamed or punished for what she's doing. But at the end of the day, I don't like it at all, I feel way too exposed, and I find my own bodily fluids gross enough let alone someone else's inside of her.
I told her I would probably need to take a month off.
She is upset, saying I am ruining her activity by placing such negativity on it.

I think that's reasonable.

She can go do whatever group sex she wants to do with her body.

And if you want to wait a month afterward and do whatever testing before sharing bareback sex with her again? That's what you want to do with your body.

I don't get why she's getting pissed about it. It is not "negative" for you to have personal preferences or personal boundaries around group sex and fluid bonding.

Are you upset because she was telling you too many details about it? It would have been enough to say "Group sex, 5:1 or 7:2, no condoms" to paint enough of a picture for a sex health hygiene check in. And not all these details about cream pies here and there?

And for her to hear and honor your "No, thanks" when you tell you YOU don't want to participate in that.Rather than keep pressing you?

Is this the first time since you've been together that group sex has come up?

We move on, but then I am just getting more anxious from it. I find that I really really don't like it, and I am finding myself upset with her for taking away my enjoyment from sex with her for so long. She asked me, well what do you want me to do?

She's not taking anything away from you. Sounds like she'd be up for sex with you sooner than a month out.

It's your personal boundary. Which I think is fine to have.

And nobody is entitled to partnered sex anyway. Each and every time the people consent to share sex together. Or not.

I am ranting at this point but I am wondering what anyone else has to say. How do I communicate this properly to her? She said she needs a strong boundary now where I can't talk about it anymore as it's a done deal. But I am feeling like it might damage our relationship now. The emotions are much stronger than I anticipated. I just wish she was using a condom.. urgh..

She already knows you find it all ooky and would want a month "time out." You don't have to say it again.

I think you two are talking too much about it and it ends up triggering you.
  • She's going. Ok, it is her body.
  • Natural consequence? You honor your personal boundary and wait out the month so YOUR body can be ok with it.
Why keep fussing about it in circles for when there's a solution right there?

You say you are "mostly monogamous" -- does that preclude you seeking a second partner? Cuz mostly you seem to be struggling with inner conflict.

1) You don't want to tell her what to do with her body. Because you think that's controlling.

2) You don't want to be fluid bonded with a big group of people so soon. You want at least a month to pass so new tests and all can happen. Which is reasonable.

3) You don't WANT to have to deal with all this and have to be reasonable.

4) Because you want access to fluid bonded, partnered sex whenever. (With her? Or other partner?) Without having to change or enforce your personal boundary about waiting a month. In other words, you want a sex partner who shares the sex values/preferences around sex that you have, doesn't do unprotected group sex at all, and then this isn't even an issue.

Possible solutions I can see?
  • Could adjust your personal boundary and use a condom with her so you can share sex together sooner than a month, but wait the month before the condom comes off.
  • Negotiate. If it's that you are no longer up for open relationship like you used to be 2 years ago when you first got together? Tell her that straight up. Ask if she's willing to let it go after this one time.
  • Negotiate. This experience has made you realized that you can only do open relationship with a condom agreement. You are still up for occasional open, but not up for anything bareback in your network. If she can't agree to condoms, then best you part ways.
  • Negotiate. You plan to start dating again so you have another partner to share sex with so it becomes a month of no sex with her, rather than a month of no partner sex at all.
  • Or skip negotiation and just go right to ending it.

You basically are both arguing in circles that you can't have sex however it is you want. Well, that happens when you have partners to consider.

There's a solution is RIGHT THERE. Wait out the month. And if neither can hack that? Stop being partners then. Not sexually compatible.

Presumably being with her is worth putting up with this once in a while. Is it? Or does the frequency happen too much and it is now a drag?

I don't think being honest is damaging anything. But the circle arguments going nowhere might be.

NRE wears off after 6 - 24 months and you are there. I don't know if this is her first group sex thing in that time, but you are clearly bumping into some stuff. If you can't work something out? Rather than arguing in circles? Could accept this is not deeply compatible.

Initially compatible maybe, but not deeply compatible.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:

fuchka

Member
Agree with GG above.

Another thing you might have control over is your thinking about fluid bonding / your GF's decision to have group sex.

You think that she is choosing this group sex experience over a month of sex with you. And yes, you can put it that way.

But it need not be a negative. You are uncomfortable about semen, she is not. This experience is something she wants, and that - perhaps - she is able to negotiate with you in the context of your relationship.

Because of *your feelings*, there may need to be a long cooling off period. And who knows, you may not need a month to feel differently.

There doesn't need to be any blame or extra meaning attached to these things.

She wants the experience because she wants the experience. It's not for you, but it is for her. It's not that she doesn't care for you enough or want sex with you enough.

You may want space after this event, before being sexually intimate with her, because of your own feelings. Not because you are punishing her or shaming her.

In a strictly monogamous relationship, she wouldn't be able to explore these desires. With an open relationship, you have options... if you can make peace with them!

It can be a challenge, and maybe it's not something you find worthwhile after all. You can change your mind.
 

Cdb931

New member
I think that's reasonable.

She can go do whatever group sex she wants to do with her body.

And if you want to wait a month afterward and do whatever testing before sharing bareback sex with her again? That's what you want to do with your body.

I don't get why she's getting pissed about it. It is not "negative" for you to have personal preferences or personal boundaries around group sex and fluid bonding.

Are you upset because she was telling you too many details about it? It would have been enough to say "Group sex, 5:1 or 7:2, no condoms" to paint enough for a sex health hygiene check in. And not all these details about cream pies here and there?



She's not taking anything away from you. Sounds like she'd be up for sex with you sooner than a month out.

It's your personal boundary. Which I think is fine to have.

And nobody is entitled to partnered sex anyway. Each and every time the people consent to share sex together. Or not.



She knows you find it all ooky and would want a month "time out." You don't have to say it again.

I think you two are talking too much about it and it ends up triggering you.
  • She's going. Ok, it is her body.
  • Natural consequence? You honor your personal boundary and wait out the month so YOUR body can be ok with it.
Why keep fussing about it in circles for when there's a solution right there?

You say you are "mostly monogamous" -- does that preclude you seeking a second partner? Cuz mostly you seem to be struggling with inner conflict.

1) You don't want to tell her what to do with her body. Because you think that's controlling.

2) You don't want to be fluid bonded with a big group of people so soon. You want at least a month to pass so new tests and all can happen. Which is reasonable.

3) You don't WANT to have to deal with all this and have to be reasonable. Because you want access to fluid bonded, partnered sex whenever...(with her? Or other partner?) without having to change your boundary. In other words, you want a sex partner who shares the sex values/preferences around sex that you have, doesn't do unprotected group sex at all, and then this isn't an issue.

Possible solutions I can see?

  • Could adjust your personal boundary and use a condom with her so you can share sex together sooner than a month, but wait the month before the condom comes off.
  • Negotiate. If it's that you are no longer up for open relationship like you used to be 2 years ago when you first got together? Tell her that straight up. ask if she's willing to let it go after this one time.
  • Negotiate. This experience has made you realized that you can only do open relationship with a condom agreement. You are still up for occasional open, but not up for anything bareback in your network. If she can't agree to condoms, then best you part ways.
  • Or skip negotiation and just go right to ending it.

You basically are both arguing in circles that you can't have sex however it is you want. Well, that happens when you have partners to consider.

There's a solution is RIGHT THERE. Wait out the month. And if neither can hack that? Stop being partners then. Not sexually compatible.

Presumably being with her is worth putting up with this once in a while. Is it? Or does the frequency happen too much and it is now a drag?

I don't think being honest is damaging anything. But the circle arguments might be.

Look, NRE wears off after 6 - 24 months and you are there. I don't know if this is her first group sex thing in that time, but you are clearly bumping into some stuff. If you can't work something out? Rather than arguing in circles accept this is not deeply compatible. Initially compatible, but not deeply compatible.

Galagirl
Yes she is very great, and yes it's worth dealing with. I am just upset about it. I am not sure how I am going to handle it. I don't feel like it's compatible with my own sexual preferences. I am also deeply connected to her on an intimate level and I am sad about losing it. Maybe she isn't taking it away, but the idea of what she is doing removes my interest in sharing that connection with her.

I like fluid bonding with one person.

No I don't want to seek a second partner ATM. It takes me a very long time to develop NRE. I am just actually getting there now. That is why this is difficult for me as I am experiencing a flurry of emotions of attraction etc and then this is just happening.

I am mostly monogamous in the sense that I don't want other partners, but I am ok with group sexual activities on occasion. I don't like it when it is sought without the other person. However I can compromise to an extent, I mean I am ok with her having group sex without me but I am mostly bothered with the condom thing.

She has offered to find me girls so I can have a group gangbang but with many girls. She has lots of connections in this community for that. I am not interested though, at least not now. Not that it's a bad thing, it's just I would rather hook up with my gf. I am only now becoming entirely comfortable. It literally takes me this long to get sexually excited. It does wear off, as I have had 10 year relationships before and after 4-5 years it simmers down a bit but it stays fairly high .. basically continuously. It is a blessing and a curse as my drive is so ass backwards in terms of how it progresses.

Anyways, thanks for the help. I think you're right, I need to stop talking in circles.
 

Cdb931

New member
Agree with GG above.

Another thing you might have control over is your thinking about fluid bonding / your GF's decision to have group sex.

You think that she is choosing this group sex experience over a month of sex with you. And yes, you can put it that way.

But it need not be a negative. You are uncomfortable about semen, she is not. This experience is something she wants, and that - perhaps - she is able to negotiate with you in the context of your relationship.

Because of *your feelings*, there may need to be a long cooling off period. And who knows, you may not need a month to feel differently.

There doesn't need to be any blame or extra meaning attached to these things.

She wants the experience because she wants the experience. It's not for you, but it is for her. It's not that she doesn't care for you enough or want sex with you enough.

You may want space after this event, before being sexually intimate with her, because of your own feelings. Not because you are punishing her or shaming her.

In a strictly monogamous relationship, she wouldn't be able to explore these desires. With an open relationship, you have options... if you can make peace with them!

It can be a challenge, and maybe it's not something you find worthwhile after all. You can change your mind.
I mean I understand what you are saying, but it doesn't make me feel any better. She is clearly getting what she wants, but I am losing something in the process. I am not sexually compatible with her preferences. I have to take breaks to allow my attraction to grow again. I am hurt over the loss of what I am very excited to have. It is fairly difficult not to be saddened by her actions. I could spin it around and say it is my preferences but I mean, I a still losing something that I want.

I guess I can see how the next month goes. The problem is, given how much this is effecting me, I am not sure how I will respond in the next month. I haven't experienced this before. I told her the emotions are overwhelming and said I could probably handle them if she wore protection. I also said if she wanted a MFM threesome, and the other guy wore protection, I would join in even though I have no attraction to men. I also said this would help me ease into the idea of what's happening. I am trying to meet somewhere but she said this is certainly happening and it's happening this week.

I am concerned that after it happens I may choose to exit the relationship. I don't want to do this, but I have an emotional limit to how much I can take. However I feel bad telling her that break up is on the table, after I specifically told her that it wouldn't be if she did this. I literally said I wouldn't, and it poses no threat to our relationship. However I honestly had no idea how bad it would get for me emotionally. Things have changed as the days grow closer to D day.

I might also mention she has asked me "what do you want me to do" and complained that I am attempting to guilt trip her so she makes the decision for herself but it isn't fair.

I don't know how to respond to that. I don't feel right telling her not to do it. I guess I could word it differently and say, well, what is happening is entirely against my own preferences to the extent that it isn't compatible?

I don't know how to word it. Plus, it seems like I am kicking a dead horse. Her last words to me were she needed a break from this topic and didn't want to discuss it further.

Maybe this means I should just accept it or throw it out?

Thanks everyone.
 

Cdb931

New member
Also, why is navigating this such a roller coaster? Is this normal? Or are we just distinctively incompatible? I am booking us in for couples counselling so we can discuss communication. But I don't know if this is normal, or whether we are trying too hard to make something work that isn't working.
 

fuchka

Member
Yes it can be an emotional rollercoaster. You've been surprised by your feelings and it can be hard not to be fixated on this. It's built up for you as a big thing.

You might think the solution is that she changes her plans. But even if she pulled the plug, you'd have things to deal with. She would have sexual desires incompatible with your own. In terms of a gamble, I'd say it's better to let it go. Stop talking in circles, as GG said. On D Day (as you call it) see if you can make other plans that take your mind off it. (There are heaps of good suggestions on here about what to do to make your partner's date night more bearable, if you're struggling.) Let the emotional chips fall where they may.

Counselling sounds like a good plan.

The solution of you being present (to ensure condom use), or you participating in group sex you don't want to in the future, to get used to things, seems like a bad idea to me.

You don't both have to be into the same things.

You've communicated what you need to say. You feel much stronger than you expected, and you can't predict how you'll feel about this afterwards.

There's as much risk to her going ahead to not going ahead, in terms of relationship processing you'll have to do.

Whatever happens, if you work through this, it will improve your understanding of each other and your ability to work together through challenges.

Good luck, keep breathing, you're doing your best (and she probably is too).
 

Cdb931

New member
Yes it can be an emotional rollercoaster. You've been surprised by your feelings and it can be hard not to be fixated on this. It's built up for you as a big thing.

You might think the solution is that she changes her plans. But even if she pulled the plug, you'd have things to deal with. She would have sexual desires incompatible with your own. In terms of a gamble, I'd say it's better to let it go. Stop talking in circles, as GG said. On D Day (as you call it) see if you can make other plans that take your mind off it. (There are heaps of good suggestions on here about what to do to make your partner's date night more bearable, if you're struggling.) Let the emotional chips fall where they may.

Counselling sounds like a good plan.

The solution of you being present (to ensure condom use), or you participating in group sex you don't want to in the future, to get used to things, seems like a bad idea to me.

You don't both have to be into the same things.

You've communicated what you need to say. You feel much stronger than you expected, and you can't predict how you'll feel about this afterwards.

There's as much risk to her going ahead to not going ahead, in terms of relationship processing you'll have to do.

Whatever happens, if you work through this, it will improve your understanding of each other and your ability to work together through challenges.

Good luck, keep breathing, you're doing your best (and she probably is too).
She did recently tell me that doing this was not a deal breaker for her. She has still stopped responding to me though, I think she is emotionally exhausted. I think I will take a break too, as I should focus on other things as you say and not let this relationship run my life.

Thanks for your advice. Kindly appreciated.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Take a break. Both of you sound worn out about it.

For me it takes 3 days to cool off from adrenalin dump in my system. Cranking me up again just resets the clock and here we go... having to wait again for 3 days in a row.

So leave it be for now. In a few days?

Tell her honestly. Verbally or over email so you can keep your cool better. Maybe something like...

"I thought I'd be more ok with you skipping condoms than I actually am. I don't want to fight about it. I do want to be clear about where I stand.​
I don't enjoy thinking about or talking about bodily fluids. They really turn me off. I don't even like my own fluids.​
I did not enjoy hearing all these details about cream pies and things. Just a heads up for "I would like to participate in a group sex event 5:1 or 7:2, no condoms used. How do you feel about that?" would have been enough.​
Hearing all these other details about cream pies and fluids was too much info and I went off into weird head space.​
I cannot see me coming to a space with lots of people's body fluids around to help you with condom use as a solution because that doesn't give me any body fluid peace of mind. It just puts me in the thick of it.​
I have come to realize that I'm ok with open relationships, but I am not ok participating in them without condoms used. I prefer you use a condom so you can enjoy the freedom of sharing group sex, and I can enjoy the freedom of peace of mind from body fluids.​
If we cannot agree on condom usage? Rather than bang heads on wall or keep going in circles, we could accept we are not compatible for open relationship with each other. I prefer condoms used and you prefer skipping condoms. It's ok we each have our own preferences.​
I don't think you doing group sex is a bad thing. I just don't do fluids. And our preferences just don't line up. "​
Face things head on.

Emotional roller coaster? Not surprised. You both don't stop to rest. You both keep picking at it over and over. When IT HAS ALREADY BEEN COMMUNICATED.

Just that neither one likes what they heard or they don't feel heard.

Nobody says "Ok, now repeat back what I just said in your own words so I know you got it how I mean it."

Nobody says "No, thanks. Please respect my limit. I am not up for ____. I cannot do ____."

If couples counseling helps you both accept things when you communicate and stop making circles, could try.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:

Token2

Member
I've been in the swingers scene for nearly a decade and I even feel like this is a big leap/a bit much. It reads more like a fantasy than something someone dives straight into after 2 years.

I guess maybe she's been holding back on swinging activity and it's built up to this as a big release.

As you said there's a world in between an MFM and an unprotected FMMMMM or MMMMMMMFF.

I can't help but feel she'll be better suited in a hotwife relationship if she's built to be drawn to those dynamics. It takes a lot for a woman to admit to herself or anyone-else that's what she wants.

I think you two are in a classic 'Price of Admission' scenario - where you have 2 options -

Despite you agreeing to a more classic open situation a gang bang is off the table if she wants to be with you.

Or you need to accept she's drawn that way and pay the price to be with her.

If you go for the latter your lines in the sand seem like good boundaries to keep yourself somewhere that feels protected.

In the circles I move in unprotected sex in a group scenario is really looked down on. It doesn't feel to me that she's making smart decisions, I can't help but wonder if there's been more happening behind the scenes.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
In the circles I move in unprotected sex in a group scenario is really looked down on.
This is my experience, as well. Unprotected group sex would be a gigantic flashing neon RED STOP SIGN for me. That is just not done by trustworthy and sex positive people, in my experience.

That said, there is no upside in trying to make yourself be OK with what you don't want. All of the mental gymnastics to try and get yourself past your feelings don't serve you in the long run. "Price of admission" in order to keep a relationship going will always backfire and bring drama, resentment, guilt and anger because you're not honoring what is important for yourself. If you're paying a price, it means that you're going against something that violates your core values and that situation is not sustainable without significant emotional pain. The reason this feels like a roller coaster is because you're not standing by what is important to you. She's not doing anything to you, but you are abandoning yourself over and over again, trying to force yourself to feel differently than you do out of fear that you'll lose her if you honor what your feelings are telling you. That's the roller coaster.




"There is a price which is too great to pay for peace, and that price can be put in one word. One cannot pay the price of self-respect."

- The Papers of Woodrow Wilson
 
Last edited:

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
I am concerned that after it happens I may choose to exit the relationship. I don't want to do this, but I have an emotional limit to how much I can take. However I feel bad telling her that break up is on the table, after I specifically told her that it wouldn't be if she did this. I literally said I wouldn't, and it poses no threat to our relationship. However I honestly had no idea how bad it would get for me emotionally. Things have changed as the days grow closer to D day.

Sexual consent is valid only if it's ongoing. Everyone who has followed the lessons of the Me Too movement knows that consent can be withdrawn at any time by anyone for any reason. When it is, party's over. Sexual consent is not a business contract, it's a living agreement that exists only as long as both people choose to be involved. Either person can withdraw consent at any time for any reason. That's a healthy sexual consent agreement.
 

Inaniel

Active member
You sound extremely anxious. I understand that you have a lot of emotions about this. You are justified in being concerned about your own health and wellbeing. The types of experiences your partner is interested in pursuing are not without risk. I know everyone is "getting tested" prior to this event however that will not protect you from every sexually transmitted disease.

There is currently no approved test for HPV in men and other STDs may be left out of the panel depending on the clinic, age, and sex of the person being tested. HSV (Herpes) is often left out of routine STD screens, I noticed this when I asked an ex-partner to get tested and her doctor did not think it was necessary to test for HSV. I also learned that people are not always accommodating when you ask them to go back for a more advanced screening... 😉

A 30 day post group sex STD panel will not sufficiently detect all possible diseases. This is something you would talk to your doctor about. If you are age appropriate you should seriously consider getting vaccinated for HPV if you are not already. In men, the vaccine covers the most common forms of HPV that cause genital warts and throat cancer.

I think it is fair for you to have questions regarding what you are subjecting yourself to in regards to your health. Having a desire to know what STDs are being screened for is reasonable. More than that however, you always run the risk of a bad panel, or some douche bag faking results, so you do have to assume some amount of personal STD risk if you are going to stay in this relationship.

I think the above is something very tangible and reasonable to base personal decisions on. You can absolutely say, "sorry, too risky for me I'm out". Which is exactly what I will say if I ever get invited to go base jumping. We all have our limits! and that is okay! It's also okay to change your mind after considering new information.

If you decide that you can handle the risks, the rest of the emotions you are experiencing can probably be sorted out. Most effectively, with a counselor; one suggestion may be to explore some of these feelings through guided cognitive behavior therapy.

For myself, I try to re-frame emotions by asking myself if I would feel the same way if the circumstances were the same but the cause was unrelated to sex. As an example, would you be experiencing the same animosity about taking a break from sex if the reason for needing to do so were different? What if your partner needed to leave for a month on a work assignment? Or wanted to go climb mount Everest? I find this sort of activity useful when I am trying to identify what emotions are a result of sexual programming. With that information you can better understand how to work on those emotions if that is the sort of thing you have the desire to work on...

I know this may sound crazy to you, however if I were in your situation I would be very tempted to join this experience in some capacity. Because it would be an opportunity to be apart of something that is special to someone I cared about. I find it quite natural to desire being in attendance for special moments in a loved ones life. I am sure that is a very hard perspective for your to consider, and I do NOT think you should do something you do not want to do. However since the relationship is on the table anyway, I would be very tempted to "dive-in" so that I fully understood my decision to part ways if it came to that.
 
Last edited:

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Cdb931,

It's probably a good idea to get some couple's counseling, that would be a good way to find out for sure whether you and your girlfriend are compatible with each other. Without the counselor's input, and based on what's been posted here so far, I am thinking that the two of you are not compatible. And I'm sure that's not what you wanted to hear, as you were just getting to the point where you were feeling excited about her. She's going to go to this group activity (this orgy), and you're going to lose the leading edge of the feelings you were starting to feel for her. I get the impression that those feelings aren't going to come back. After a month you might start to feel like you can tolerate sex with her, but you are not going to love it like you would have if she had not gone to the group activity. But doesn't it mean something that she would have *wanted* to go, even if she didn't go?

I suspect that you are about 5% polyamorous, and about 95% monogamous. Sure you have a little bit of tolerance for polyamory, but for the most part you're much more comfortable in a monogamous relationship. If you end up breaking up with this girlfriend, I would advise you to seek monogamous relationships in the future. The next time you are on a second date, and the lady says she is wanting an open relationship, do not say, "In what form?" Instead, say, "I'm sorry dear, but open/poly relationships do not suit me well, and tend to end badly." You have experienced that something you think you can stand, soon becomes something you can't stand. There is nothing wrong with being monogamous. Allow yourself the freedom to be monogamous. Of course if you retain this girlfriend, you will have to tolerate the kind of open relationship that she wants. Or try to force her to give that up, and I don't think that's what you want.

Regarding how to handle the current situation, my most likely advice is to cease talking with her about the group activity, let her go to it, do not break up with her (yet) but wait a month before you are intimate with her again, and schedule that couple's counseling. It is not negative of you to wait a month before you are intimate with her again, but it may be negative of you to speak to her of the group activity in a way that implies your disgust about it. If you have been doing that, then she has some justification to say that you're ruining her activity by placing such negativity on it. On the other hand, you feel how you feel, and you are not out of bounds to say to her, "I am not comfortable with this." Or, "This is bothering me a lot more than I thought it would." But if you have already said such things to her, then there is no need to keep repeating them. Wait until you have a counselor for that.

Just some of my thoughts,
Kevin T.
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
In the circles I move in unprotected sex in a group scenario is really looked down on. It doesn't feel to me that she's making smart decisions, I can't help but wonder if there's been more happening behind the scenes.


Bingo. This was my thought as well.
 

Evie

Mod
It's not my jam, but a bukkake party is a completely identifiable form of kink. Organisers tend to be really strict on testing, and yeah, sure, nothing is foolproof, but experienced participants will tell you that the likelihood of catching an infection is pretty damn small.
 
Last edited:

LoveForTea

New member
Hi Cdb931,

This is a tough situation to be in. I feel for you. I imagine you're mentally preparing yourself for a big blow from this. You're already hurting because your partner seems to be turning away from you, and you're expecting much more hurt to come. Is that right?

I found it interesting that you framed this as a communication issue, even in titling the thread. When I got to you asking, "how do I communicate this properly to her?", my initial thought was, "you have communicated it, that's not the issue!"

Thinking about it a bit more I realised that the question implies you don't feel heard by her. And trying to put myself in her shoes I'd wager that she feels the same. Yes, it seems to me that you two have a communication issue over this, and it's that you're both being reactive instead of responsive. From what you describe I imagine that both of you take what the other says as a threat which takes you straight into defending yourself, arguing your side and assigning blame. What if, instead, you could be curious about why having this sexual experience is so important to her, and she could be curious about why her fluid bonding with others is so painful to you? Without giving up your values and preferences, you could actually become closer to each other.

I think it's great that you're looking at couples counselling specifically to work on your communication. Learning to be more responsive is much easier with outside help. The way you put it is a bit ambiguous, though. Is she on board with it?


It also read to me like a fair amount of your pain comes from anticipating how you will react and how it all will turn out. You know yourself best, of course, and how it plays out might still surprise you.
 

WhatHappened

Active member
This isn't about failure to communicate. You want two different things. She wants you to consent and be happy about it and you are not happy about it. You don't have to be.

You two are not a match. She needs to find someone who genuinely loves what she's doing and you need to find someone who feels as you do.

Do you really want to be in this situation repeatedly for the next 20, 30 years?
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
I asked her if there's any way she can use protection and not let anyone cum inside of her and she said she doesn't think it's possible as logistically the condoms would probably slip on and off here and there..... I would really have a much much easier time, in orders of magnitude, if you didn't have unprotected sex. She said that defeats the purpose of a cream pie. She said she would allow only 1 male to creampie her and the rest had to cum on top.

To Evie's point about a bukkake party, that isn't the picture I'm getting from the description of what the GF has in mind. Admittedly, I had to look up cream pie in the handy Urban Dictionary and it's having penetrative sex specifically without a condom. Given the premise of a bukkake party, obviously there's no such thing as protection other than testing. But that's not the limit of what the GF is proposing.

To the point about communication and couples counseling: @Cdb931 is communicating quite clearly. A couples therapist can't change the fact that one of these partners really wants to enjoy group sex (which I can totally relate to) and the other is revolted by the thought of her doing that. That's a fundamental difference! Lots of people have zero interest in group sex parties - lots of great people. Find those people and date them, Cd. Don't contort yourself into someone you're not just to keep your GF in your life. You won't like who you become.
 
Last edited:

fuchka

Member
@FallenAngelina is the incompatibility insurmountable? OP doesn't have to be into group sex parties directly. Just has to see if his feelings are shiftable regarding his GF's choices.

Feelings are signals but they also have sources. Sometimes it's worth exploring the sources - it doesn't deny who you are. It gives you agency in developing who you want to be. (That's IF the OP does in fact want to explore this! Of course, he could find it all too much effort and skip out for someone who would be less challenging for him on that front. As you've rightly said.)

I like what @Inaniel said about dividing this into physical risk and emotional content.
 
Top