ENM as a dopamine hunter?

ClayGeek

New member
Hi!

I'm new to this forum, since I'm currently in a monogamous relationship, but thinking about other possibilities. This comes with a lot of doubts, which I wanted to discuss on this forum.

So partner and me both have a bit of a dopamine addictive personality, I'd say (possibly both neurodivergent). I hate to say it, but we might be NRE chasers in our hearts, but rational and value-wise, we don't agree with this. So there's a bit of a struggle trying to combine our urges and our actual values.

Now, this creates a dilemma. I feel that we both have overwhelming attractions to new people, and they seem to be much more stimulating sexually than we are to each other. Now, I understand that just adding novelty without new people is possible - new places, new toys, etc. But it doesn't seem to give the same effect. Something seems to kind of be missing. Now, I don't think this is incompatibility (but maybe I'm wrong), since I had this feeling with all of my partners so far (I'm a 26yo female, had three relationships before but only lasting a max of 2 years). Again, rationally, both of us know that there is a lot of fantasy and projection and hormones involved in this newness. But that doesn't make the feeling go away.

However, when talking about it, we also understand both that opening the relationship and dating a new person separately would just make us probably quite obsessed and focused on this new relationship, taking away from our current one - because it's too hard to focus on so many things for us, feeling-wise. We know ourselves long enough that falling in love with someone new and still being in love and nurture our older relationship, wouldn't really be possible.

I'm wondering if anyone has experienced the same, and what the solution for them was? How do you deal with missing this lust and passion and basically wonderful sex, but knowing that by doing that you'd lose your old connection? Maybe other neurodiverse people found a way to be content and happy? I'd really love to know. Because so far, ENM seems impossible because either of us will just over-focus on the new person, but monogamy is missing sparks.

In my head, nonmonogamy would be great if our sex life was absolutely wonderful, and we just want to feel free. But being 'not new enough' stirs up a lot of insecurity, because I guess I can never be that for my partner. Furthermore, he seems to be experiencing this addictive attraction to people quite a lot, in all kinds of random settings. But maybe this is just how human sex drive is wired and I shouldn't expect it to be different..

Soothing my insecurity and jealousy by realizing he wouldn't find someone "better", and we can just enjoy sex outside our relationship, doesn't really seem to work here. Since the new person would absolutely be more stimulating, more dopamine-inducing, taking away all the attention, etc.



Edit: I understand this makes us sound way more enmeshed than we actually are - I usually stay away from using "we" statements, but because him and I are both similar and it's about the dynamic that we share, I chose to do so.
 
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Hello ClayGeek,

The bottom line is, do you want to stay partnered with your partner? If you do, then it doesn't really matter that you don't have NRE with your partner. You can have NRE with other people, and that's kind of the point of poly. Each different person can bring something different, something wanted/needed, to the table. You can be an NRE addict, but still have other reasons for staying with your original partner.

Of course, NRE must be handled responsibly. You must not let NRE tempt you to neglect your original partner. Yes, even if tending to your original partner feels like a chore, you must do it. Otherwise you are going to end up having regrets about how you treated your original partner. Unless of course you and your current partner agreed to release each other from the bonds of taking care of each other, if you allowed NRE to make you neglect each other. It would be a strange arrangement, but not out of the question.

When I had NRE (in a poly situation), I did not handle it in a way that would make me proud later on. My wife at the time had Alzheimer's, and I was more of a caregiver than a husband, but I still wish I had treated her more warmly, and given her more of my time and attention. Since then, my wife has passed away, and I can't go back to fix my past actions. This is kind of the reason why I suggest caring for your current partner, in spite of the NRE.

Feeling attracted to other people doesn't just happen to polyamorous people, it happens to monogamous people too. Monogamous people just don't act on it. You seem to fervently want poly/ENM, but you can't do it because your partner would like others more than he would like you. And that triggers your insecurities. Honestly, if he is going to neglect you like that, I don't know if nonmonogamy is really possible for you. As I said, you can be monogamous, and just not act on those attractions. But if you must act on them, perhaps breaking up with each other is the only remaining solution? probably not what you want to hear.

Sorry you are stuck in this dilemma.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hello ClayGeek,

The bottom line is, do you want to stay partnered with your partner? If you do, then it doesn't really matter that you don't have NRE with your partner. You can have NRE with other people, and that's kind of the point of poly. Each different person can bring something different, something wanted/needed, to the table. You can be an NRE addict, but still have other reasons for staying with your original partner.

Of course, NRE must be handled responsibly. You must not let NRE tempt you to neglect your original partner. Yes, even if tending to your original partner feels like a chore, you must do it. Otherwise you are going to end up having regrets about how you treated your original partner. Unless of course you and your current partner agreed to release each other from the bonds of taking care of each other, if you allowed NRE to make you neglect each other. It would be a strange arrangement, but not out of the question.

When I had NRE (in a poly situation), I did not handle it in a way that would make me proud later on. My wife at the time had Alzheimer's, and I was more of a caregiver than a husband, but I still wish I had treated her more warmly, and given her more of my time and attention. Since then, my wife has passed away, and I can't go back to fix my past actions. This is kind of the reason why I suggest caring for your current partner, in spite of the NRE.

Feeling attracted to other people doesn't just happen to polyamorous people, it happens to monogamous people too. Monogamous people just don't act on it. You seem to fervently want poly/ENM, but you can't do it because your partner would like others more than he would like you. And that triggers your insecurities. Honestly, if he is going to neglect you like that, I don't know if nonmonogamy is really possible for you. As I said, you can be monogamous, and just not act on those attractions. But if you must act on them, perhaps breaking up with each other is the only remaining solution? probably not what you want to hear.

Sorry you are stuck in this dilemma.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Hi! Thanks for your response. I think I get what you're saying, but it also feels wrong to "give up" on our previous lustful and wonderfully passionate connection, to only pursue that with others. I get that it might be the point of poly for you, but I read about so many other people who didn't need ENM to fulfill that sexual need, because the sex was already wonderful with their partners. They just enjoyed the "extra". I'm just starting to be confused about whether this is possible for me at all.

Also, is that really the point of polyamory? I see many people actually calling NRE hunters a big big red flag.
 
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The red flag they present for me is that they usually must need time to work out what they want and find the one who can give it to them. If they think you can, they want monogamy.
You mean that NRE chasers don't know what they want? I don't really get it yet, could you help me understand you better?
 
Hi ClayGeek,

Okay, just consider that that's why they call it NRE. It's *New* Relationship Energy. You don't get that from an old relationship, by definition. Now there is such a thing as ORE, but it isn't like NRE. If NRE is the only kind of relationship energy that you like, then you're kind of stuck in a situation where, yes, you had NRE with your current partner when the two of you were first dating, but NRE with your current partner isn't available now because it's not a new relationship to you. I hope that makes sense.

I don't mean to discourage you, or make you think that poly/ENM is impossible for you, I just think you have to accept that your current relationship is not what it once was, and it can't be what it once was, because it's not a new relationship anymore. That doesn't mean it can't be a good and wonderful relationship in your life. You can have ORE (Old Relationship Energy), where you feel safe with, and appreciated by, your current partner. And this is my opinion I know, but I think it's possible to have NRE (with someone new), but still take good care of your current partner (ORE).

Please don't give up on poly/ENM, it takes work, but it can be worth it. You just have to be committed. Committed to your original partner, and committed to making nonmonogamy work. You can do it!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I don't think it's bad to be an NRE chaser, you can be an NRE chaser and still be a thoughtful and loving partner to your current partner. NRE doesn't have to be the *only* thing you want and value in life, even if you do chase it. ORE can give you dopamine as well.
 
Hi ClayGeek,

Okay, just consider that that's why they call it NRE. It's *New* Relationship Energy. You don't get that from an old relationship, by definition. Now there is such a thing as ORE, but it isn't like NRE. If NRE is the only kind of relationship energy that you like, then you're kind of stuck in a situation where, yes, you had NRE with your current partner when the two of you were first dating, but NRE with your current partner isn't available now because it's not a new relationship to you. I hope that makes sense.

I don't mean to discourage you, or make you think that poly/ENM is impossible for you, I just think you have to accept that your current relationship is not what it once was, and it can't be what it once was, because it's not a new relationship anymore. That doesn't mean it can't be a good and wonderful relationship in your life. You can have ORE (Old Relationship Energy), where you feel safe with, and appreciated by, your current partner. And this is my opinion I know, but I think it's possible to have NRE (with someone new), but still take good care of your current partner (ORE).

Please don't give up on poly/ENM, it takes work, but it can be worth it. You just have to be committed. Committed to your original partner, and committed to making nonmonogamy work. You can do it!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Alright! That clears things up. Thank you for explaining.
I am just pretty confused by reading what I read.. some people describe it just as you. Others are able to get that energy back throughout years of their partnership. I don't really know which route I want to take, it's hard.

I understand myself, I understand my partner. While he seems to be the one suffering most from this external stimuli (in other words, need for new people) he at the same time is the one who doesn't want to really open the relationship because he said he would not be able to maintain his feelings for me while focusing on a new person (based on his time management, attention span and addiction to stimulation).

I guess I just have to let go, not focus on fixing the problem for him, but fixing on my needs - which is mostly, trying to feel some sparkly sexual connection, it doesn't really matter if it's with someone else or him. Whatever is possible (which is hard to figure out). It's pretty hard when you walk around with some attachment trauma and he has definitely not always been able to distract himself from these stimulations (he kissed someone behind my back at some point, though he regretted it). It just seems like I cannot find the solution, maybe playing with someone together might work? What a devil: at one side, nonmonogamy probably doesn't work so easily for the reasons described above, but what we are doing now doesn't feel so fulfilling either.

His journey might not be my journey, but it's still hard to navigate, especially when I can be hurt in the process.
 
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Hi ClayGeek,

Sometimes feelings follow actions. Like, you may say, "I don't feel excited about having a date night with my current partner tonight," but if you exercise the commitment to have that date night, you may find that you feel better about it once you are doing it. And sure, maybe you feel more excited about your new partner/s, but you can still feel warm and comfortable with your original partner. Sure, it's a different kind of feeling, it's not excitement. But it can be just as good. Just be committed to your current partner, and I hope he'll be committed to you. Sometimes that means doing things we're not excited about, but we can still feel good about doing them.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
Hi ClayGeek,

Sometimes feelings follow actions. Like, you may say, "I don't feel excited about having a date night with my current partner tonight," but if you exercise the commitment to have that date night, you may find that you feel better about it once you are doing it. And sure, maybe you feel more excited about your new partner/s, but you can still feel warm and comfortable with your original partner. Sure, it's a different kind of feeling, it's not excitement. But it can be just as good. Just be committed to your current partner, and I hope he'll be committed to you. Sometimes that means doing things we're not excited about, but we can still feel good about doing them.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

But then what purpose does the existing partnership serve? Don't get me wrong, I'm just trying to understand. If it's no excitement but only commitment..
 
But then what purpose does the existing partnership serve? Don't get me wrong, I'm just trying to understand. If it's no excitement but only commitment..
Friendship, support, shared life goals, financial ties, emotional intimacy, family connections; basically any and all the things that any long term relationship offers.
 
Hi ClayGeek,

What Evie said. Plus, you can get a good feeling from being with your original partner. Some excitement perhaps, but more importantly, a feeling of warmth and safety. Commitment is just a means to an end, you do get good feelings about your relationship with your original partner, even if the excitement level is less than it would be with a new partner.

Hopefully that makes sense.
Kevin T.
 
So as a fellow neurodivergent squirrel (hi!) I totally get the excitement seeking… and I highly recommend you read Mating in Captivity. The thing is there are ways of generating excitement within an existing relationship - part of it is realizing that really, the person you’re with now and the person you were with five years ago aren’t the same person, and figuring out how to find the changes and the novelty. That said … if you’re already feeling like the excitement has worn off that early (less than 2 years if I’m reading this right?) I might still be a bit concerned. Not, like, in a break up way… but I do wish I had really been a bit more aware of the issues that NRE fading that soon was going to create in my relationship with Knight (we’ve had issues with intimacy off and on for the last 25 years) compared to how -easy- it is with Artist. Like, we’ve both occasionally sought newness without it really diminishing the energy between us (I suppose that is officially old relationship energy at this point!)
 
You mean that NRE chasers don't know what they want? I don't really get it yet, could you help me understand you better?
Yes, in my experience, NRE chasers are just unfulfilled mono people. When they work out what wil fulfill them from a partner/relationship and/or they think you might be able to give it to them, they want monogamy.

That's why I posted you that blog. It took the member 82 pages (and lots of months) to work out that they are just monogamous, and their previous relationships/partners were not compatible enough past the NRE stage to sustain their interest.

It's not edgy or cool. It's just a monogamous person working out their life goals.
 
One of my kids is ADHD. You remind me of them.

Stop talking about your partner for a moment. What do YOU want? Center YOU.

I am gonna guess. I might guess wrong. But maybe it helps you see it organized like topical bullet list?

You called yourself "ClayGeek". I'm gonna call your partner "Paper" just for ease of writing. If you want something else, I am happy to change to what you want. Blue just to visually block it off. Here's my impressions of it.

MY HEALTH
  • I want to work on my attachment trauma.
    • I can't tell how much insecure is from my attachment stuff
    • Or how much is from me trying to hang on to Paper when he does poor behaviors
    • Or how much is from this relationship fizzling out naturally and me trying to keep it going anyway.
  • I want to work on better managing my neurodivergent things.
  • I want to center my own wants and needs. Not get all tangled in Paper's wants and needs inappropriately.
MY RELATIONSHIPS
  • I'm not sure what long lasting relationships are about.
  • If this continues... I want to feel safe with Paper. I want to trust Paper.
    • Paper seems to be experiencing this addictive attraction to people quite a lot, in all kinds of random settings
    • He made out with someone behind my back. This was cheating on our current agreements. He apologized. But what about next time?
      • To repair and rebuild trust I alone have to...
      • To repair and rebuild trust Paper alone has to...
      • To repair and rebuild trust we have to...together.
    • I can't feel excited about being with Paper if he's like a reckless bumper car zooming around dinging me.
  • I feel bored with my existing relationship with Paper the way it is. What we are currently doing doesn't work for me.
    • Our shared sex life has become "meh." I miss feeling sexy with Paper. I miss the lust and passionate connection we used to have.
    • I don't mind if "new sparks" are with Paper, or a new connection.
      • PAPER
        • I'd like to try figuring out Established Relationship Energy or Old Relationship Energy.
        • Neither of us really knows how to "reignite" the spark
          • To learn how I'd have to...
          • To learn Paper would have to...
          • To learn, we together would have to...
        • Or I could become ok with breaking up with Paper.
      • NEW PEOPLE
        • I like chasing NRE. My past relationships go about 2 years. Then I move on to the New Shiny Person.
        • Not sure how new people would work if I start doing non-monogamy.
        • To educate myself more I would have to...


NON-MONOGAMY

Doing it together

  • I don't think non-monogamy is appropriate for us at this time. We are too newbie. We would both have to consent.
    • Right Paper has this yen for other people but does not want to open the relationship. But I don't like Paper going behind my back.
    • I am willing to try it, but not just to make mess.
  • We'd have to do general education.
    • To learn how to to practice non-monogamy well I'd have to...
    • To learn how to to practice non-monogamy well Paper would have to...
    • To learn how to to practice non-monogamy well we would have to... together.
  • We'd also have to do specific to US things...
    • We would have to work on fixing/reigniting our own connection first. Non-monogamy is not the "bandaid" for existing issues.
    • We would have to repairing trust issues and recklessness issues listed above.
    • We would have to working on our codependency because we're both scared to date new people because we fear neglecting /losing our own connection.
Doing it NOT together
  • I would have to break up with Paper. That would solve some of the things because then they no longer apply.
  • I still would need to prepare, educate myself, work on my health things, etc. if I want healthy and consenting non-monogamy with new people.
I know I probably didn't capture it all. But you could keep doing your personal reflection. And try to organize the things in topic clumps.

See what emerges as the best path for YOU and YOUR well being.

I don't know if you might need this assessment tool also.


HTH!
Galagirl
 
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You might just be promiscuous. I don't know if it's the neurodivergency, or something else, but lots of people over the millennia have just been plain old promiscuous. Maybe the NRE is enough for you. You've only had 4 relationships, you're just in your mid-20s. Unless you really want kids soon, there is no reason to settle down. There is no reason to feel guilty for enjoying novelty. Maybe something will change when you hit your mid-30s. Maybe not.

(There is a book that is based on legit anthropological and sociological research, called Sex at Dawn, which explores the idea that humans [like all animals] are innately promiscuous.)

I am not sure if you live with Paper now, or alone, or with roommates/family. If you don't live with Paper, he surely could become a platonic friend, if you like doing certain activities with him that are not sexual. Are there any common interests that drew you together in the first place? Even drinking coffee, watching a certain show, like the Marvel universe releases, or hiking, cooking, shopping, or gaming, or, or? After all, when you're out there dating and having sex with new people, there will be days or nights when you have no prospects, and maybe want to just hang out with an old familiar friend and have a few laughs. There's no need to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Some people don't know what love is because they haven't met the right person yet. Or maybe, as you seem to be saying about Paper, there was childhood trauma, abandonment, which has led to an anxious attachment issue, which precludes commitment. This can be overcome with work, maybe therapy.

Meanwhile, I see nothing wrong with pursuing novelty and exploring the sexual styles of as many people as you want. You're only an addict if the interest causes you to live beyond your means, lose your job, or car, become homeless, hurt your family by begging them for money, etc.
 
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