Hi!
I'm new to this forum, since I'm currently in a monogamous relationship, but thinking about other possibilities. This comes with a lot of doubts, which I wanted to discuss on this forum.
So partner and me both have a bit of a dopamine addictive personality, I'd say (possibly both neurodivergent). I hate to say it, but we might be NRE chasers in our hearts, but rational and value-wise, we don't agree with this. So there's a bit of a struggle trying to combine our urges and our actual values.
Now, this creates a dilemma. I feel that we both have overwhelming attractions to new people, and they seem to be much more stimulating sexually than we are to each other. Now, I understand that just adding novelty without new people is possible - new places, new toys, etc. But it doesn't seem to give the same effect. Something seems to kind of be missing. Now, I don't think this is incompatibility (but maybe I'm wrong), since I had this feeling with all of my partners so far (I'm a 26yo female, had three relationships before but only lasting a max of 2 years). Again, rationally, both of us know that there is a lot of fantasy and projection and hormones involved in this newness. But that doesn't make the feeling go away.
However, when talking about it, we also understand both that opening the relationship and dating a new person separately would just make us probably quite obsessed and focused on this new relationship, taking away from our current one - because it's too hard to focus on so many things for us, feeling-wise. We know ourselves long enough that falling in love with someone new and still being in love and nurture our older relationship, wouldn't really be possible.
I'm wondering if anyone has experienced the same, and what the solution for them was? How do you deal with missing this lust and passion and basically wonderful sex, but knowing that by doing that you'd lose your old connection? Maybe other neurodiverse people found a way to be content and happy? I'd really love to know. Because so far, ENM seems impossible because either of us will just over-focus on the new person, but monogamy is missing sparks.
In my head, nonmonogamy would be great if our sex life was absolutely wonderful, and we just want to feel free. But being 'not new enough' stirs up a lot of insecurity, because I guess I can never be that for my partner. Furthermore, he seems to be experiencing this addictive attraction to people quite a lot, in all kinds of random settings. But maybe this is just how human sex drive is wired and I shouldn't expect it to be different..
Soothing my insecurity and jealousy by realizing he wouldn't find someone "better", and we can just enjoy sex outside our relationship, doesn't really seem to work here. Since the new person would absolutely be more stimulating, more dopamine-inducing, taking away all the attention, etc.
Edit: I understand this makes us sound way more enmeshed than we actually are - I usually stay away from using "we" statements, but because him and I are both similar and it's about the dynamic that we share, I chose to do so.
I'm new to this forum, since I'm currently in a monogamous relationship, but thinking about other possibilities. This comes with a lot of doubts, which I wanted to discuss on this forum.
So partner and me both have a bit of a dopamine addictive personality, I'd say (possibly both neurodivergent). I hate to say it, but we might be NRE chasers in our hearts, but rational and value-wise, we don't agree with this. So there's a bit of a struggle trying to combine our urges and our actual values.
Now, this creates a dilemma. I feel that we both have overwhelming attractions to new people, and they seem to be much more stimulating sexually than we are to each other. Now, I understand that just adding novelty without new people is possible - new places, new toys, etc. But it doesn't seem to give the same effect. Something seems to kind of be missing. Now, I don't think this is incompatibility (but maybe I'm wrong), since I had this feeling with all of my partners so far (I'm a 26yo female, had three relationships before but only lasting a max of 2 years). Again, rationally, both of us know that there is a lot of fantasy and projection and hormones involved in this newness. But that doesn't make the feeling go away.
However, when talking about it, we also understand both that opening the relationship and dating a new person separately would just make us probably quite obsessed and focused on this new relationship, taking away from our current one - because it's too hard to focus on so many things for us, feeling-wise. We know ourselves long enough that falling in love with someone new and still being in love and nurture our older relationship, wouldn't really be possible.
I'm wondering if anyone has experienced the same, and what the solution for them was? How do you deal with missing this lust and passion and basically wonderful sex, but knowing that by doing that you'd lose your old connection? Maybe other neurodiverse people found a way to be content and happy? I'd really love to know. Because so far, ENM seems impossible because either of us will just over-focus on the new person, but monogamy is missing sparks.
In my head, nonmonogamy would be great if our sex life was absolutely wonderful, and we just want to feel free. But being 'not new enough' stirs up a lot of insecurity, because I guess I can never be that for my partner. Furthermore, he seems to be experiencing this addictive attraction to people quite a lot, in all kinds of random settings. But maybe this is just how human sex drive is wired and I shouldn't expect it to be different..
Soothing my insecurity and jealousy by realizing he wouldn't find someone "better", and we can just enjoy sex outside our relationship, doesn't really seem to work here. Since the new person would absolutely be more stimulating, more dopamine-inducing, taking away all the attention, etc.
Edit: I understand this makes us sound way more enmeshed than we actually are - I usually stay away from using "we" statements, but because him and I are both similar and it's about the dynamic that we share, I chose to do so.
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