Everything About Rooster

Hey Rooster, I'm sorry you're feeling like that sometimes. Do you know why? It is the 90/10 thing? Or is it because you're just not doing relationship things with KC anymore? You're more like roommates and co-parents?

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Anxiety 1. We almost never say "I love you," maybe like once a year.

Anxiety 2. About 75% of the time after we haven't seen each other in a while, I get so happy to see her and talk about our days, but she doesn't seem to even care that I'm there and just stays busy on her tablet or phone. 25% of the time she is happy to see me.

Anxiety 3. We don't tongue kiss.

Anxiety 4. I prefer foreplay, she doesn't.

Anxiety 5. When she is dating a woman it's extremely secretive, very DADT, very parallel. She becomes like Batman, I can never tell if she's coming or going in the dark of night.

Anxiety 6. She will not accept any compliments from me. Every time I tell her she's gorgeous she just says "no." I say something like "nice ass," she will say "I don't have anything nice."

Anxiety 7. I always have to initiate. She won't.

Anxiety 8. Unsure how true her statements are, but things have been said along the lines of "You're the only flesh dick I've ever cummed on," and "leaning very strongly to the lesbian side."

Anxiety 9. I make enough to support us and she doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to. I've made this point clear to her. She still keeps a job though, and we keep separate finances. She pays the phone bill and most of the groceries (including livestock feed) and I pay everything else (mortgage, all insurance, all utilities, vehicles, etc...). We have no joint accounts, loans, or finances, which is completely different than most of my married friends.

Individually these seem easy to dismiss, but when I look at it all together my paranoid beard theory fits like a glove.

And yes,
Evie said:
It is the 90/10 thing? Or is it because you're just not doing relationship things with KC anymore? You're more like roommates and co-parents?
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Wow Evie, you hit the nail on the head there. Worded so accurate and concise that it makes my throat feel tight.

So I've spent a lot of time going through that article and comparing which bullet points match up, and honestly, even if I am just being used, we still have a lot of good things going on, even though it wouldn't seem like it from my postings here. I must apologize for also being guilty of only posting when things are angtsy.

So it's odd because I can't just say "Hey honey, has our whole marriage been a sham?" because obviously we made a family together and that counts for something. And even if it's true I doubt she would admit it.

Also, I really want to believe that it's all just completely in my imagination, but it really would explain a lot of stuff that has happened.

So instead of freaking myself out into a mental whirlwind I've been trying to unpack it all slowly.

That's probably as far as I need to go right now, because as I think about it and blog about it I can feel myself becoming more unstable. If I just keep going slow in short bursts I feel more calm.
 
But yea, it's like she has a bug out plan in place. Like I said separate finances, she does have 1 old classic car (hers, registered and insured) but it is drivable and she could just pack it up and pull out at any given moment.
 
Rooster, I am so glad you're back posting and getting all your thoughts down on the screen. Your situation is very interesting. I actually once dated a guy in a similar situation to yours for a time, quite a while ago.

He lived about 100 miles away from me, but came to my area very regularly for work. I guess I met him on OK Cupid, back when it was better. Anyway, he and his wife were new to poly, but their sex life had died. She'd basically decided she was lesbian, but they had 2 sons in school, and a small farm with animals, and they loved each other a lot, as life partners, despite the romance being over. So they definitely didn't want to split.

He and I didn't work out long-term because of the distance, but as I recall, eventually his wife got a female lover, who even moved in with them. I think he got a gf too (again, this was years ago). I don't remember if she moved in as well. He and I kept in touch by text a bit and they ended up getting the kids into college at least, as a stable family unit. He seemed really happy with how it worked out, the last times we spoke.
 
I got a better job a while ago and it's 100 times better than my last job.

Got a puppy last week (our old dog passed about 2 months ago). I thought we got a brown puppy but KC gave it a bath and it's actually a tan puppy.

I know I will never be able to understand exactly what it's like to be bi. I realize I could never feel the same emotions or be able to correctly imagine life through her eyes. But that doesn't necessarily make me completely ignorant either.

She wouldn't "leave me for a woman" like so many people worry about, she would leave me for some other completely legitimate reason. Although today I don't have that fear at all, just "decompressing on paper" I suppose.
 
I know you know how to post photos...

So...puppy tax please! ❤️

And I feel you on that change of job being 100x better. I did that this year.
 
O.M.G.

😍😍😍😍😍
 
The puppy has been doing really good. I've been doing good, I'm trying to post some positive things rather than just my problems or complaints.

I've been catching up on the life story's section and I've been coming across many situations that I can empathize with. When I read the story's and remember having similar emotions causing me to sign up here, and how I used to think and feel just a few years ago has evolved in the sense where certain things just don't bother me as much as they would have back then.

Not to say that I'm anxiety free, not by a long shot. But I'll just take every obstacle as it arrives. In fact my latest trigger happened because KC told me that she wants me to be jealous or upset when she is with someone else.

I even started to bounce through old PMs a couple weeks ago trying to decide who to unload my train wreck drama onto but I didn't want to be like one of those people who you only see when they need something from you. I don't need to add my baggage to anyone's already busy life.

Out here on the main board is a good spot for me to unload but it can feel like I'm abusing the forum as my "free personal therapy" at times. But honestly it does help take the edge off.
 
Journaling IS a form of therapy, so it's perfectly all right. A huge number of people who come here admit that, especially in their first posts, after not having someone who would understand to talk to, that just getting it all out helps them clarify their thoughts and baggage so they can move forward with more clarity.

Also, lots of people reread their own posts to gauge their progress.
 
Rooster said:
Out here on the main board is a good spot for me to unload but it can feel like I'm abusing the forum as my "free personal therapy" at times. But honestly it does help take the edge off.
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Dude, that’s absolutely LITERALLY the point of the life stories and blogs section - feel free to do so. It can be useful as a record of life, it can be useful for processing, it’s just generally a good thing. (God knows I enough processing in my early years here…)
 
We went to a food festival the other day, it was great and I ate way to much. But the next day I came down with a cold and dizzy spells, KC hurt her back/hip area so we both just relaxed on heating pads.

My kid said we looked like geriatric millennials' and I quickly had to scold him explaining that it's inappropriate to call to a gen Xer a millennial.

Even though we were both down for the count we still tried to nurture each other as much as possible.
 
Very appropriate scolding. I heartily approve.
 
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