Exploring Polyamory instead of Monogamy

starlight, I just read the first page and the last few of your blog and I just wanted to tell you it is very inspirational. I love how you analyze your feelings, and how you take good care of yourself as well as others.

I wanted to ask why you feel this great need to meet Peti and see if/how you get along. Some metas do not get along (just a polite hello now and then), and that can be ok... as long as she isn't badmouthing you to Trip, or causing him so much drama that it interferes with your own blossoming relationship.
 
I have been really in a ink the last two weeks, between the stomach bug, then pulling my back, then letting it recover, but pulling it again at legoland de this weekend I am really exhausted.

Today my plans are sorting out my education and starting that. I also need to get a birthday card and present for trip for this weekend, as we are jointly celebrating on Saturday night / sunday.

I feel a bit blah because of my back still, and a bit drained emotionally and mentally. I just want to be left alone. I don't have a lot of interesting things to talk about and no desire to communicate with people. This is how I get sometimes, and what makes me more an introvert than extrovert.

My dream house is a cottage in the woods, where I work on science projects and art things, and tends a few animals, and live basically alone. I do like people but at times like these I want to be alone. I don't know how people do as much as they do because I need a lot of downtime and recharging. So I am wondering how to achieve this dream. How to have a self sustaining place of my own, near a city but not in a city, where I can meet fun people but not live in with them all the time.

Tonight is a poly meet up. I may go to try and get myself out of this funk of not wanting to be around people.
 
I am really glad I went to the poly meet up last night.

I had such a good time.
However right now I am mad at rocky. He has been horrible at formulating plans recently. And I get it, he has a LOT on his plate. But just a month ago we were seeing each other every two to three days, and spending quite a few nights together. Now, I see once I stop going to him, he makes very little effort to see me. The correlation is like this. Trip, has a partner, a demanding job, kids, and makes time to see me once to twice a week.
Rocky who has a demanding job, but not as demanding as Trips, no kids, or other partner, cannot make time to see me. Plus Rocky lives closer, and it's his insistence of me not being a part of his life.

I think he just doesn't want to do it. He says the right words, but I found out last night that I am NOT meeting his sister on the 14th as she isn't moving I yet. So basically he hasn't even asked her to meet me. GRRR. I think I will go stay with Ivy that night instead.
To make matters worse, I sent him an email compromising on the non trip to Cornwall and instead giving him a breakdown plans with phone calls and websites for our new plans. That was two weeks ago. He still hasn't formalised those plans, so now we can't go to the cabin in the woods for my birthday.
Then on top of that he forgot Saturday is my birthday party.
I am really mad at him right now for not putting me in priority at all. and then last night I asked if I could stop by after the poly meet up and he said he would call me at 9 pm, I said ok. He sent me a text saying he was off to bed and wasn't going to call. Thank Rocky.
I know exactly where I stand now and it's breaking my heart.
His actions are showing loud and clear. :(

It is very clear he is too busy and bad at time management to have me in his life when I have other responsibilities. Our arrangement was fine when I had no other responsibilities other than kids, but now that I have kids, partners, education, social life etc, I am not slotting around his schedule last minute, and when I do make the effort he is shutting me down. So sad right now.

Ok so trying to focus on positive things now. Last night was a lot of fun.
I hung out with Irishcoffee, Grayson, Ivy, and a few new people. I think I might go to the poly coffee on Sunday sometime. Socialising definitely got me out of my funk and I am proud of myself.
I flirted briefly with a Icelandic man, who was tall and handsome, he had very Scandinavian features and broad shoulders and essay smile. Too bad his personality didn't match his looks lol.
I decided I am going to give more effort to people who are being present in my life right now. Like Irishcoffee, Ivy, and Trip. These people WANT to be around me...and I am tired of being around people who aren't super they want to be. I know Rocky wants to be my friend, but I am not sure sometimes about the gf BF thing when he is so bad at prioritising people. I sure don't like being last on the list, or not being able to stop by his.
 
Oh I forgot to post something very romantic.

Trip and I worked on our differences with Peti, and he asked me to officially be his gf on Sunday. I am a squee moment. I am not going to focus on rocky right now when things are so up in the air and we won't be able to spend one on one time or talk about things u till after I get back from America and life settles down for him into a new routine. Moving house is hard and this is huge for him...so I get that, but reneging on his word all the time makes me sad. He's so tired all the time and so busy and stressed, I really want to cuddle him and reconnect but I don't see that happening any time soon when I have Irishcoffee scheduled Friday night, (rocky scheduled a date with another person without checking in about my party, thank god I had moved it to Saturday but who knows if he will actually be there now ugh), and then I have trip over Saturday night after the party.

I love rocky so much, but I can't put up with being treated badly when I am not around him. When I am around him he treats me amazingly but out of sight out of mind for rocky...he's a very scattered person, and focused mostly on family and work and his new house, none of which include me.

Look I took a post about Trip and derailed to rocky ugh how awful.

I am going to reflect on the awesome chat trip and I had last night. Was a lot of fun and we giggled and laughed and were cheesy and romantic. I hope he's. Having a good day off on his work trip.

Also today is my aunt Honours birthday. I will give her a ring and spend time wishing he a happy bday. :) I will go to America and let things be with rocky.
 
Magdlyn said:
starlight, I just read the first page and the last few of your blog and I just wanted to tell you it is very inspirational. I love how you analyze your feelings, and how you take good care of yourself as well as others.

I wanted to ask why you feel this great need to meet Peti and see if/how you get along. Some metas do not get along (just a polite hello now and then), and that can be ok... as long as she isn't badmouthing you to Trip, or causing him so much drama that it interferes with your own blossoming relationship.
Click to expand...

I agree and this is the conclusion we came to. I realised a lot of it was my own triggers and she has done nothing to prove that she is that way. I also have another metamour with Irishcoffee who I don't see often a don we go on pleasantly but just a hi and by and small talk kind of way, perhaps they or I subconsciously want a more family style? It's worth a thought...thanks for the thoughtful reply.
 
I am a bit of a post-a-holic today lol.
Just shows how all over the place I am. I do better with social interaction but I fight against it when I need to recharge. I am not sure if I get exhausted or energised by people. It seems to fluctuate.

To it I am headed with a friend to the movies. I am glad to have people to hang out with. I really need to keep busy at this point in my life because being left in my own head means I am obsessing about rocky a bit, not healthy. However we will have to have another talk about time management, or I could just accept he's crap at it. Lol. Monogamy would probably suit him better for this reason alone...lol. Poly requires scheduling skills!

I am done being angry, I wish I could stay angry longer, I even had a Healy conversation with my ex husband today. Even after all the abuse, I still manage to not hold onto anger. But at least I hold in to appropriate boundaries. I only talked civilly today because his half sister died yesterday and I felt the need to reach out. Even asshats deserve kindness in the wake of family death. To give it some perspective, his sister died of self overdose in front of her 6 year old daughter. Ex husband came from seriously messed up family.

Anyway, I am kit out in a cute deep blue green knitted dress and knee high brown boots and metal wrap around bracelet with matching deep blue jade gems. Very cool current and cute. I look somewhere between a Utahan and a Londoner. I like it.

I finished a three book series this week. I also still haven't dealt with my messy house or my education. It's like I am stalling. I don't know why. I am doing the bachelorette lazy thing that responsible mothers never get to do I think....:D
 
Today I outed myself with everyone on being poly, including Facebook. My last hurdles have happened. I did the individual ones with families and close friends awhile back, but now I am officially out with other people. And I am amazed by the love and support I have had. Such a huge loving response. And now I can shamelessly post photos of my guys :) I am super proud of myself right now.

I know that even if Rocky and I end because he can't be as authentic as I am right now, that's ok. We'll still be friends, and I will still adore him, and I know I will find someone equally as awesome too. I have worked so hard on my self lately. When I posted the photos I was struck by how much thinner, happier and healthier I looked for being authentically me the last six months and raking care of my body and other people around me.

Did it suck it doesn't include my girls daily? Yes. Do I feel I did the right thing? Yes. I needed time to heal, they need stability, I couldn't provide that. And I am at peace with it now. There is no dramas and no regrets.

I am comi full circle with my life right now, I am visiting my home town, or closest one I consider home town when I go to the USA. I realised I have never lived anywhere longer than four years, this home I am in now will be the first time. And I am so grateful for that. I am taking control of me.
 
Aha a busy day planned today! I have Ivy meetup in morning, I am helping her out with some things, then off with D for photos. Then this evening Irishcoffee comes over, and we're headed to an private view after party gallery viewing. Should be fun. :)

Then we head back to mine, for fun times...seriously it's been three weeks since I had any sexy fun times with anyone. That negative energy I was carrying around internally really affected my libido...and there were illness/back problems scheduling issues, no alone time opportunities. Lol.

I finally did an hour session of Pilates last night. Woo hoo! I am working on 15 mins every day, including 3 one hour classes per week.

I have noticed I am starting to have definition in my glutes and upper arms for first time in my life...and I reached a goal of 30 inch waist. Now for 29... Almost at healthy metrics woo hoo! Seriously in wake of my 30th it has put a lot of things in perspective and made me want a lot of goals I didn't know I wanted before. Life is funny like that. 3 years on of healthy lifestyle. I still have off days but I no longer hold in to them like I am some horrible person. For example I had chocolate last night in middle of night. Only thing I regret is the bad dreams lol. I forgot it affects me like that at night.

I also had a successful text conversation with Peti yesterday! from here on in she will be referred to as Petite. I like that name better and what I was originally going to name her but ironically, I was being Petty, or Petulant. I do so like my play on words. And I want to reframe her in my mind, so Petite it is.

I got a one word text from Trip last night lol, apparently he must have heard about our text convo because around ten I got a note that says *snogs*. Lol, his and mine libido are affected by internal thoughts (yay for Sapiosexuals) I knew he would be out with work friends last night so didn't worry too much. Finally found a bday present for him, a planet sphere chart so we can go star gazing. Should be fun ! I hope we get to do that before I leave for USA. I am thinking this sat/sun if all pans out well. I wanted to get him Nintendo cuff links, but they didn't get here in time, so that will have to wait until Christmas.

I booked my area for the party at local bar restaurant. It was fifty pounds but I get it back if I stay to midnight, so I will definitely be doing that!
 
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Heya Starlight

Kudos for being your authentic self xx

I hope Rocky was nice about it.

Arohanui
Evie
 
Thanks Evie and Reverie.
Yes rocky was kind about it. He is horribly bad at timing, but when is there good timing with breakups?

Ah, Rocky.
This one is going to be hard for me to get over.
I am glad I am poly. He wants to remain friends. We had an hour long chat on the phone. I forced the issue of confronting it sooner rather than later because I leave on holiday soon.

I found out that he had wrote me a long breakup letter, was going to give it to me on our holiday for my 30th birthday, and discuss it there. I really can't believe he thought it was a good idea to talk to me about this on the trip away planned. Ugh. That's really insensitive.

He is still coming to the party tomorrow. Ivy can't find a babysitter so she can't come. She doesn't feel comfortable with random strangers (ie babysitters from babysitter site) to watch her kids. Makes sense.

I told Rocky, I don't know what I want to do for the 9-11. I decided I think I might make plans with other people.
Last night I went to Ivy's house. That's where I am posting from now. I soent all day yesterday with her, then, we we got drunk together, listened to music, played cluedo(clue) drunk, and then had Irishcoffee over.
I cried in Ivy's arms, and we cuddled. I so needed that. I had a breakdown about my parents, and perhaps I am choosing unavailable people because of my shitty parents experience.

A little back ground on my mom you know already, my dad on the other hand...Left me alone with his pedophile brother (my uncle) when I was 11. Knowing that he was a pedophile. Things happened. I found out everyone on that side of the family knew, including my grandma, and let it happen anyway. I tried reconciling around five years ago, to find out he took his brothers side, and not mine, and wasn't remorseful in the slightest and tried to get ME to accept and listen to an appology from his then dying of cancer brother. I told him to fuck off and I never wanted to speak to him again and he would never be a part of my kids lives. That was five years ago or so.

Anyway, Rocky was a hell of an upgrade from Exhusband. Exhusband even being an asshat was still an upgrade from my dad. Not an upgrade from my example of a mother, who was totally bitchy yesterday in Facebook.
She hasn't taken well to me being ok with being me, but she didn't come out and directly say it.

Instead she took a picture of me in my little black cocktail dress...posted it to a friend in PM without my permission telling them I have lipedema, and I use her products that she sells. How did I find out about this? she accidentally, (read on purpose!) sent this message in PM to me on Facebook, with no further message or explanation. My mother has always been a bitch about my looks.

What I am taking from my breakup and crappy relationship experience?
my worth is determined by me. If rocky doesn't think I am good enough to be in his life, then he can fuck off. Yesterday he did the lie to himself thing AGAIN, by saying he wanted to be friends and he would add me on FB again RIGHT NOW.

I said, well, I don't think you want to be doing that since I just put a huge post outing myself as poly, and has a tonne of pictures of us, as a couple, and I had held off doing that post after four months of not posting on Facebook at all.
So yeah.

I also told him he does realise I am a not going to hide being poly,....I won't be bringing a gay pride flag and a parrot to his house, but I will be proudly stating who I am with, what they are to me, etc. I won't hide it.

So I told him to sleep on it and be damn sure he wanted to be friends.

Yup e conversation was actually really easy. I mean, I cried a little, but mostly I tried to reassure him. I told him my boundaries though when he asked for advice about his date last night. I said, it's really inappropriate for me to be giving you advice right now in how to move foreword from this when you just broke up with me. I need time to process thank you very much.

I tried to make him feel better while still stating how upset I was and how my needs weren't met. I told him he wouldn't treat his friends the way he treated me and it wasn't cool. And it wasn't like him either. He agreed and said he felt pressured by me.

I said the pressure comes from you not speaking your truth not from me. I said I have honoured everything you wanted from me, and asked you so many times what you want and how you feel, and that your feelings aren't my responsibility their yours. He agreed but I had to be firm on that.
I made him laugh thanking him for ticking off 'be dumped by phone from you boyfriend" off my buckling.
The difference between me and him?
I can take punches and come out smiling. He can't even handle ONE raised voice , me walk out of situation conversation the entirety of our relationship. (Almost two years.)

I am done dating boys. I want to make friends with people first and see if things develop. I think I need time before I date anyone else.

I need to clarify things with Irishcoffee too before we chose to move in, because I need to know it's not for sex only.

On a positive note poly is awesome because I can be friends eventually with rocky if he accepts me as me. It's not the relationship change that will mean oh noes I never speak to him again. And also I had a lot of love and support around the breakup. I spoke to siren and gale. I cuddled Irishcoffee, I cuddled and cried with Ivy. I talked to Trip on the phone.

Good news on the trip front. This breakup caused a shift in our dynamic last night where he opened up more with me, and said he takes along time to trust people completely and that my ability to talk to him is very rare for him and he s still getting used to letting his gaurd down with me. But that we share a similar familial history. And that I am not alone. That one statement meant,..so much to me.

The fact he is successful in work and relationships and life, means, we can both heal. We aren't just broken people, we are worthy all on our own.

Rocky is still coming by today to spend dinner and go for a walk, and then go to the party together. That was the original plan, so, we're going with that.
I think I will make my own plans for the 14th and stay with Ivy instead of Rocky. I just am not ready to spend the night with each other anymore as friends right now. Not until I know he actually wants to be my friend, there's a difference between talking and walking.

And truthfully I saw this coming. It wasn't like I didn't. I knew he did put have the chops to handle me being me. That ok. I just wish I hadn't lied to myself for so long that it would be something that it wasn't, that it would be more than it was.

This makes me think long and hard on why I put up with this, how to not put with this in the future, and how to set and maintain good boundaries in all my relationships. But most importantly to live in reality not fantasy.

I decided not to sign up until February for school. I am not ready, this is me being honest, I am still healing and reeling from the kids, court, etc. I won't let myself pressure myself into something I am not ready for. Open university can wait until I get back from USA. And truthfully, right now, I want to figure out how to enjoy being with me on my own, and how to move forward in my life. I need more time to decide on right course too and research more.
 
Oh Gosh! I am sorry Starlight! I guess your gut feeling about him was right. I hope you also prove right about the two of you remaining friends.

Leetah
 
Thanks Leetah, yes I do think we will remain friends. I have good gut instincts about people and I like to give people benefit of the doubt and chances to improve apologise and just be human...which is very confusing thing to be at times.

So I decided to add a picture of me, I recently changed my natural hair colour to black. Rocky said I look like Jesse jay, and Trip said I look like Katy Perry lol. I was like, rocky I am just showing you what you're missing ;)

After I went back home, Irishcoffee stayed at Ivy's until the party. I went back, talked and took a walk with Rocky. It cleared the air. We decided to look at this as our monthly check in we do, and each time we do that we always ask:
Do we still work, do we still feel ok, does this even make sense?

My anger at him is I have done monthly check ins since March and I just want him to be honest with me. But I am over my anger now. After our heart to heart yesterday I really feel quite calm about it. We don't hate each other, he can and will accept me. I am coming to his house and meeting even his parents, but as a friend. That's how he wants to do it. He alluded to "keeping it open" and " not knowing the future" but I said , here are my boundaries, and I have tried twice now with rocky. I don't see the point in doing it a third. He is someone who has yet to learn to stick up for what he needs and wants, and if he can't do that for himself he definitely can't do that for me,and so that is always going to be a large fundamental difference between us.

But man oh man was he sad he was dumping me when I dyed my hair. Ha. It was nice to see the look on his face, the lust and desire and my boundary of , no you can't touch me. No that's a girlfriend privledge only. Etc. there is no having his cake and eating it with me.

The dark hair also was symbolic of the direction I am moving in my life, of being more authentically me. It wasn't a knee jerk reaction to rocky ending it. I had been considering a change for a year now but I was waiting to let all my red come out of my hair first before I even reconsidered dying it anything else because I wanted to see if I wanted to be my own hair colour and be ok with that. I like it. But black fits me who I am now much better.

The party was amazing. Irishcoffee, trip, rocky, Ria, and siren attended. I wish more people could have come, and I invited over 20 but A lot couldn't because they cancelled last minute a lot, baby sitting reasons / work / travel etc.

But I got a huge amount of well wishes. And I had a fantastic time. I found some undercover poly people there too. And I danced the night away. Guy was super hot the entire time and we went in a corner near the end of the night and made out. I had a random woman ask me if I was sleeping with all the people I was with. Ha. I said, only three, can you guess which ones? I am a very touchy freely person, especially when drunk, and I got completely wasted last night. I think I had five or six cocktails...

Tai mai, Cosmo, sex on the beach, passion fruit something or other., daiquiri ..and a few more. I tried and amerreto cocktail...so nice. It was really fun. We stayed from 730 pm to after midnight. I got id again at the entry. Ugh. I had to flirt with the bouncer to let me in lol, and then, I sweet talked him into letting in Irishcoffee and rocky who were wearing trainers and that's a no no.

So Ria went out to a club, after Trip and I left for the evening. Then, she got in at 5 am totally wasted I was so worried about her. But all was well. It did mean a little strained in my first overnight stay with Trip. But, trip was really patient and he knew I was just looking after my friend. And during the time she was out and clubbing (we knew she'd be done around 3 /330) trip and I spent some one on one time.

We exchanged our birthday gifts, lit candles on two cupcakes, and sang to each other happy birthday. Ooh and at the party trip danced with me, the first time he has danced in awhile I was so happy he did that.

Oh and I had one last dance with rocky and one last hug and kiss.

So ok, at the house trip and I had such an amazing time. Interrupted asleep aside, holy moly does trip know how to have sex. I was worried about our sexual chemistry, but we finally found what works for us, and it was so hot.

I really enjoyed it. and he seemed a lot less anxious and worried, And he wore me out. For example I had no idea I could come just by someone counting. Um, well apparently I can with trip. He's super hot that way and we really had fun.
In the space of 3 hours I think I came like, easily 12 times, if not more. I stopped counting after that.

I have never experienced that before. And it really blew my mind. What a way to celebrate mine and his 30th. :)
 
I am listening to angry girl music today. So angry inside at rocky, sigh. I don't want to take it out on him. But I am angry. How am I going to enjoy Our day out when i feel so angry still? How can I give lovingly to my newer relationships when I am so sad and angry? I want to be there for people but instead I am gr gr grr.

I love rocky so fucking much, and it hurts so much today. I want him, and I need to let him go. I need to detach. I wanted to marry him and have his babies. And I don't even want any more kids lol. Sigh.

This will take time. I think no more dating or new partners. Just friends for me right now. I changed my okc account to reflect friends only.

I don't even want any new sexual partners. I think...I just need to heal.
 
Well,
I changed my mind. I signed up to university.
I am really super proud of myself. Seriously. Such a huge thing.

i talked to the advisors about my ME and how to work around that. As well as my problems with mental maths/numbers.

I have badly under estimated irishcoffee. And I feel bad for that. Now I will treat him with more respect. I just find it hard because even though all his actions have been respectful, I haven't been respecting him. I don't know why I am not. Food for thought. But I need to because he's the type of man who volunteers in africa(for reals) is helping organise events and people, works hard, has an honours degree, holds down long term and short term relationships and is kind and funny to all around him.

I guess it's me. It's my triggers. Maybe I was meant to get to know him to get over my ex husband issues. But just because I lack total respect for exhusband does not mean irishcoffee deserves to be treated that way.

I also think I had prejudices about bdsm and people like that, that trip is unravelling in me and I am unravelling in myself. Watching this ted talk today got me thinking about my heritage and white privledge etc. as well as why I don't want to live In Utah vs London ;) not that I don't love Utah. It's breathtaking with some of the kindest nicest people I have ever met. People are generally helpful, family orientated, community driven, educated, kind, caring, connected to each other...and always willing to help...


Http://www.ted.com/talks/rich_benjamin_my_road_trip_through_the_whitest_towns_in_america

But I just need to live around more diversity. And I need to live at sea level for my health. And well...I love London. The only place comparable for me was Seattle Washington. I also loved it there. :)
I am trying to balance these two parts of me,

I was very reclusive when kids were young, I hear this happens. Especially with my illness and all the stress going on in my life.
I also am not good at picking up the stick of responsibility right now. And I want to. I finally am ready to be more responsible. Maybe not with kids full time, but definitely within the broader community in whatever way I can.

So it's people part of my poly network that are hosting London poly day this year, and I would really like to see it take off this year! franklin veux will be there book signing and I am really bummed I will be in America convalescing.

Maybe next year I can do a ted poly talk and reference my blog here. Hmmmm...for once I have found something I like as much as my art, I like blogging talking and poly and people. So perhaps there's room in my science field to study this? Social science maybe?
 
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Rocky texted me last night asking if he could spend tonight and tomorrow night sleeping at mine because of the Rollercoaster trip. After he broke up with me. This was after the conversation I told him I didn't want to do the three days with him because it would be awkward. Yup it's now awkward.

But seriously, did he forget that conversation? The part where I said I didn't want to spend the entire 9-11 with him? Sigh. Clearly not. Oh well, I want to go to the amusement park, so I will address his lack of memory in person tonight.

I told him I have a spare mattress all set up for him in my spare room and some boundaries in place.

No hugs/cuddles touching in my house as friends while I am in such a vulnerable place with him.

He admitted to wanting sex with me.

I told him my decision was the same as last time when we talked after breakup, that there is no sex post BF/gf because it confuses and hurts me and makes me very sad inside.

I really don't have the emotional capacity to have sex with rocky again and maybe not ever.

The man has broke up with me twice now.

His message is pretty clear.

He doesn't get to have sex and be rewarded for him saying I am not good enough.

He's just seeing how firm my boundaries are too to see if he actually has lost something.

I figured out what his and mine issue is.

We both chase unavailable people.

I want him when he isn't available to me and never have been. Knowing this I can stop doing this.

And he is the same way, he likes me a lot more now that I have set the boundary with him as unavailable.

I absolutely will be strong today. My word means something, and I am working on being true to my words with my actions right now.

He broke up with me, how dare he imply that sex is ok.

It just didn't occur to him that he would never have sex with me again. Eye roll.

I said well that's what happens with breakups.

He was still too relieved for breaking up with me, to consider all the ramifications of his actions.

This alone is excruciatingly painful to watch someone be so happy they aren't with you anymore and pretend like everything is ok. Maybe I could not pretend things are ok. They aren't ok.

I understood his relief as no longer have to lie and to face his family which I had asked him to do and he and agreed. But by breaking up with me he essentially solved the problem by further avoiding the conflict, instead of facing it.

Which means he didn't think he would then have conflict with me. Because he is trying to please everyone and not hurt anyone and not have any conflict. Well he is hurting people. He hurt himself. He hurt me. He will still hurt his family when they find out about all the lies and secrecy. So really, I won't go there again.

that's his problem not mine.

That's his problem, not mine.

I will be kind and polite but I am going to be cool and distant tonight. He doesn't get to treat me with disrespect and me be all happy go lucky.

The breakup only happened Friday! We had talks on boundaries. I said explicitly, "I am not having sex with you anymore then. That is my personal boundary. There is no 'us' or 'we' anymore, you chose that.

I solved this problem by texting him I couldn't do tonight, but can do sleepover tomorrow. I am too vulnerable today. I am grieving so badly. To make matters worse, trip has shut down and isn't responding at all since I told him I love him recently and the fall out with peti thing.

I changed pet is name to P on here. I just felt like I needed to do that.
Ugh :(
 
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I am going out to dinner with Trip tonight. :D

Good job me prioritising correctly and honouring my hurting heart, and being there for trip. He's not well today and I think we both need to give each other hugs.

We're meeting under the clock tower of our favourite train station. Its a tradition we have of meeting and greeting at train stations. Very polyesque I might add. ;)

And I have cheered up emensley taking control of my own emotional wellbeing and boundaries.
 
Rocky and I had he most amazing day yesterday. it was long filled with awesome highs and deep lows.

We laughed and screamed on rides. We reminisced. We laughed so hard being silly and goofy we cried. We danced and played and celebrated our last day together as an 'us', no regrets, no remorse, just fun. At least until we got back to my home.

When he spent the night, we cried our eyeballs out while holding each other.

It hurt, it was sad, it was cathartic, and healing. I feel at peace with the end of that chapter. Rarely does one get closure like that.

I also got major reassurance from him he wanted me in his life because he was so shocked and sad that I am going no contact for the entire trip away. I explained this was a consequence of his choice, and way for me to move beyond an us, and into friendship. Otherwise we would always dance back and forth and inflict more pain. I told him I would leave the door open, but I had to walk out the door and away from it and not look backwards.

He appologised for hurting me. He felt so bad his inaction hurt me. He appologised for not being able to accept me in his life (kids different things we wanted to achieve). He told me it wasn't my fault. He told me I did nothing wrong. He told me he appreciates all the love I gave him, all the support, all the kindness and it made it so much worse that I was so kind because he also wanted to be with me, but knew he had to try to find someone who he could have a kid with.

He asked could I be a part of his life when I get back. I told him yes and that's what started the crying and hugging and emotional sharing. I have only seen him cry once, but this was different. He is now understanding exactly what it is he is walking away from , and we're both grieving, it was strange to comfort each other about mutual ending of our grief...but it also shows what a kind and gentle soul he is, and how much better I am as a person when I am around him.

Dear Rocky,

Thank you rocky for all the fun. Thank you for the laughs. Thank you for the love. Thank you for the fun times and the sad times and the times of growth. Thank you for being you, and showing me what I can have, what I can achieve with a relationship...that I never need to settle.. I can have someone I find attractive, who is active and healthy, who is passionate and kind, who has a stable job, and who gives as selflessly as you. I can have all those things because I found them in you.
And aren't I so lucky I did?

Now though, I release you with all the love in the world.

You will always have a special place in my heart, because when I love, I love for a lifetime, no matter where you are or who you're with I will think fondly of you and our time together.

Love,
Starlight1
 
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