Feeling insecure

[agentb2016]

I'm new to poly, and have been dating a guy who thinks he may be poly for about 5 months now (he is also new to it and trying to figure himself out).

I really enjoy his company, the sex and the connection we have.

However I've been struggling the past month with trying to define and understand our relationship better and figure out whether we're on the same page. (I wrote about it and got some great input on another thread).

But I'm feeling really insecure right now, and I'm not sure why.

I had a conversation with him and this is what I got from it last night:

-He's noncommittal right now (sounds like he doesn't want to commit to anyone; but I should have clarified whether he just means me or not).
-He likes me and still feels a connection and wants to keep dating/seeing me. Felt a spark in the beginning tho now he feels our relationship has shifted from that, but still enjoys it
-Feels a spark right now with this new other girl he's also continuing to see (Backstory: about 3 weeks ago he fucked her with no warning or heads up to me, and told me after the fact, which was hurtful to me even tho he was technically "allowed" as we're not "officially" in a relationship)
-Didn't/isn't using a condom with the other girl he's seeing. He said he talked with her and she's sure she's clean but this makes me a bit uneasy.
-Wants to continue having condom-less sex with me
-"I love you, I love all women."
-Me asking - "Does this change anything between you and me?" Him - "No."
-He tends to change the subject or go off on an unrelated tangent when I ask him a direct question like "How do you feel about me?" He sometimes answers the question but then goes on to talking about other stuff and we lose the focus of the convo.
-A month ago he said he considered us in a relationship, but he calls me a "friend" to his friends and family. When I asked if I could call him my boyfriend he seemed weird about it at first, and then said "you can call me whatever you want."

Where are my insecurities coming from? Is it because I'm new to poly? Is it because I feel uncertain of our relationship status? Is it because we don't necessarily have a solid emotional foundation yet? No working agreements/boundaries? Is it because I'm afraid this new person is somehow going to mean that I lose him, or that I'll get hurt if he ultimately decides he "likes her better"?

Or is it just because he basically wants to do whatever he wants/feels like, and is having a "this is who I am, take me or leave me" type attitude? While I can't blame him for being that way, sometimes it feels like he's not really considering my needs and requests in this relationship.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Judging by your other thread, you have reason to feel uneasy about your guy. From everything you've told us there and here, it sounds like your intuition is talking to you loud and clear. Mags summed it all up well, I thought:

I wish you well.

May I assume you are both in your twenties? This is a time of self exploration. We don't get to know our adult selves, our goals, desires, plans for relationships and careers overnight.

There is no point in pressing him to tell you what he wants or needs, when he doesn't know himself. Right now, it does sound like he is merely exploring and experimenting. Have a gf he sees a lot and talks to a lot, but to whom doesn't want to commit? Fuck some girl he just met? Shag a married couple? He's all over the map. He's horny, he's sowing his wild oats. No point in pressuring him to commit when he's psychologically and physically driven to spread his seed.

(BTW if you keep seeing him, consider going back to condoms. Can you even trust him to use condoms with the others he is fucking at this point?)

If you're honestly looking for deep love, it doesn't seem like you will find it with this guy anytime soon, or at all. There is a chance, of course, that something deeper could develop over time, but it could take years! Do you have time to wait?

I think the Big Talk may not provide any concrete answer you will like. You could keep seeing him for fun and good times, while you get out there and look for Mr Right.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi agentb2016,

It sounds like your insecure feelings stem mostly from your boyfriend's lack of commitment. He is ever elusive in his answers and responses. I don't know if this is a trait you want to tolerate, or if you even want to risk it. He may continue to act like this for a long long time.

Perhaps another conversation is called for at some point?

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[agentb2016]

Thanks Karen and Kevin.

I agree with what you and Magda are both saying. We actually aren't in our 20's…. I'm in my early 30's and he's 38. Yes, I know, it's a bit strange.

I guess I'm just having a hard time extracting myself from this situation. Yes, I can aim to detach myself emotionally and just see him for fun and good times. But I'm finding lately that while I enjoy the time with him (as I did last night), I find myself feeling off balance emotionally afterwards.

But I do still very much like him, which makes letting him go difficult for me right now.

He seems to just want to be able to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and not have to worry about my needs or feelings. I asked him back in Nov/Dec to use a condom when sleeping with other people, which he's clearly ignored recently.

But as some have pointed out, it's technically a grey area since he's never said "yes, we're in a committed relationship" and even when I try to talk about poly in a mature way, he still tends to say "I feel like we're having a conversation about a monogamous relationship" even tho I'm not even bringing up monogamy…. any time he thinks I want to set some sort of rules or agreements for our relationship, he just seems not interested or changes the subject.

I came across this on the MoreThanTwo website and it seems fitting:
"Polyamory is defined by informed consent of all the participants. Without it, it ain’t poly...If you are married, and you have a girlfriend that your wife doesn’t know about, or that your wife suspects but isn’t sure about, or that your wife knows about but isn’t happy with, you’re not poly, you’re cheating. Similarly, if you’re banging the milkman while your husband is out of town, you’re not poly, you’re cheating."

By this definition, what my guy is doing is not poly…. because he knows I'm not terribly happy about how he's going about things with this new lover, and he never sought out my consent…but he doesn't seem to care, he's just doing it anyways. He seems to have a "take it or leave it" attitude.

But, again, it's a bit of a grey area since he hasn't confirmed that we're "officially" in a relationship…. tho he said he considered us in a relationship about a month ago. But his answers are all over the map.

Are any of these traits of someone who's actually capable of a mature poly relationship????

 

[agentb2016]

And this, from the More Than Two website:

"The rules need not be explicit; even breaking the tacit rules of a relationship is cheating. If you do anything you cannot feel comfortable telling your mate about, or if you do anything that you know would make your mate unhappy if he or she knew about it, you are quite likely cheating, plain and simple."

"Okay, okay, I understand. Poly is for people who can’t commit!
No, no, no. Just the opposite, in fact; people who can’t commit to one person sure as hell can’t make a lasting commitment to two!

Anyway, as I was saying, in a poly relationship, it is vital—perhaps even more vital than in a monogamous relationship—for everyone involved to know and understand the rules of the relationship, and abide by them. A successful poly relationship absolutely requires trust and security from everyone involved. If you cannot abide by the relationship’s rules, you cannot expect to make a polyamorous relationship work."

And this sounds REALLY familiar to me right now:

"Polyamory is not about “I want to go shag that person over there, and if you don’t like it, tough.”
It’s reasonable for everyone involved to expect to have some kind of input on the relationships that go on. It’s reasonable to want to set limits, and it’s necessary and reasonable to want to establish a framework that protects both your feelings and the feelings of everyone else involved in the relationships, directly or indirectly.
You do this by negotiating a clear, explicit, and unambiguous set of conditions that guides the manner in which your relationships form, and establishes that framework that helps to make sure everyone’s needs are being met and nobody’s feelings are disregarded.
It is also important to understand that any breach of these terms is a very, very serious matter—just as serious as cheating in a conventional monogamous relationships! This framework, and the willingness of everyone involved to abide by the terms you set together, are what creates the foundation of trust that a polyamorous relationship requires. Without that trust, it’s reasonable to expect that you or someone you care about will end up miserable."

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you are dealing in this.

By this definition, what my guy is doing is not poly…. because he knows I'm not terribly happy about how he's going about things with this new lover, and he never sought out my consent…but he doesn't seem to care, he's just doing it anyways. He seems to have a "take it or leave it" attitude.

Could leave it. You don't seem to want bareback sex with him when he's kinda loosey goosey in his sex practices elsewhere. You also seem disappointed he doesn't consider your emotional well being either. He doesn't have to be all lovey-dovey -- just a basic level of respect!

I think you could review your consent practices.

YOU are responsible for protecting your body. He doesn't get access to you bareback without you agreeing to it. Could stop agreeing to bareback sex with him rather than trying to police his bareback activities elsewhere. Guard YOUR body. Assess YOUR risks.

But, again, it's a bit of a grey area since he hasn't confirmed that we're "officially" in a relationship…. tho he said he considered us in a relationship about a month ago. But his answers are all over the map.

One doesn't have to be in an "official romantic relationship" to practice good sex health hygiene and practice obtaining full consent before sex share. It can be just sex fun -- but I would hope the people involved want to stay as clean as possible right?

When he asks for your consent to share sex with him again?

• He has a responsibility to TELL who he's been with since the last time you were together and if safer sex practices were used. (Then you can consent from a place of full information if you want to share sex with him and risk the exposure.)
  
• He also has a responsibility to ASK you for your details so he can assess his risk of exposure if he shares sex with you again.

• You have a responsibility to TELL him who you have been with since the last time you were together so he can assess his risks and give consent from a place of full info.
• You have a responsibility to ASK him who he has been with since the last time you guys shared sex so you can assess your risks.

That way BOTH of you are looking out for that. Both are TELLING and both are ASKING. Better 2 people looking out than 0 people looking out for sex health hygiene issues. You could make that a "basic respect" agreement with any lovers -- casual or otherwise. They cannot hack that minimum? Don't have sex with them. Nothing about having a romantic relationship there. Just an agreement about how to share safer sex.

If you have forgotten to ask where he's been before giving your consent? It's still covered because he's still doing his telling. Right? He cannot say he was unable to do his job of telling you because you didn't do your job of asking. If he's playing head games with you -- look out!

If you forgot to ask, AND he knowingly shared bareback sex with you? THEN he told you about bareback sex with the other woman? That sounds cruel to me. Like he wanted to get access to your body for his pleasure. And also take a sip of your pain for his pleasure. If he being cruel here? Look out!

...just see him for fun and good times. But I'm finding lately that while I enjoy the time with him (as I did last night), I find myself feeling off balance emotionally afterwards.

Maybe that UGH feeling afterward makes it not worth it then? Because it doesn't sound like "fun and good times" all the way through.

You sound like you have done your More Than Two research and are trying to come to terms with the fact that this guy does not meet your standards for how you want to be treated or how you want to play ball.

His sex technique might be fun to experience, but that alone is not making the rest of the experience with him worth the price of admission.

he said he considered us in a relationship about a month ago. But his answers are all over the map.

Are any of these traits of someone who's actually capable of a mature poly relationship?

No. Not to me. To me he sounds like he's playing the field all sloppy. That's not practicing (ethical, consenting polyamory) OR (ethical, consenting polysexuality) to me.

To me that all sounds like fucking around while saying whatever in the moment to get into people's pants.

Galagirl

 

[FallenAngelina]

To me that all sounds like fucking around while saying whatever in the moment to get into people's pants.

Another excellent insight worth re-posting.

That "ugh" feeling after sex is important and useful information coming from your intuition. Sometimes it is indeed old insecurity patterns and there's great benefit in working on this so that you can find more inner stability and not live based on what other people want and how they behave. But that "ugh" feeling and post-sex anxiety is always there for a reason - if nothing more than to tell you that something is terribly off about this situation. If you're at heart not into "just fun and good times," and instead find that a deeper connection is important to you, then your intuition will let you know loud and clear about the other person. Don't barrel through "insecurity" or keep having talks with him in efforts to make him into something that he is not.

 

[Dickdomin]

I am so old school

I think when I am in a relationship that another woman comes into That relationship. The whole "I am going off to..." I do not get.

When I see all the 'growing pains' and the 'Bob is still struggling with the fact that I could give a flying fuck how he feels because I want to fuck Todd' poly, I guess I just have these different ideas about what works.

Let's take the bareback sex: 3 people that we know of and one is meeting the other two separately and two are never meeting and talking. Huh?

Could we all go to the doctor's together? Go have a meal after? Have three people in A relationship rather than three people in two relationships, because the math for me is If A&B have a relationship and B&C have a relationship, when B is with C in that relationship the AB relationship is not BEing a relationship. A is sitting around waiting or is off with Todd having an A&T relationship <not to be confused with an AT&T relationship which has a good deal more anal with no lube.)

Maybe I am a tribal polyamorist.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Maybe I am a tribal polyamorist.

What you're describing is more tribal or kitchen table poly, which is great for people who choose that. Agent2016 is new to poly and is just looking to have an ethical, peaceful and upfront connection with a man who is also seeing someone else. What's important is that people match up in a few basic ways of their choosing, not that they do poly any certain way.

 

[agentb2016]

That way BOTH of you are looking out for that. Both are TELLING and both are ASKING. Better 2 people looking out than 0 people looking out for sex health hygiene issues. You could make that a "basic respect" agreement with any lovers -- casual or otherwise. They cannot hack that minimum? Don't have sex with them. Nothing about having a romantic relationship there. Just an agreement about how to share safer sex.

If you forgot to ask, AND he knowingly shared bareback sex with you? THEN he told you about bareback sex with the other woman? That sounds cruel to me. Like he wanted to get access to your body for his pleasure. And also take a sip of your pain for his pleasure. If he being cruel here? Look out!

This is basically what happened the other night. I forgot to ask *before* sex even tho I brought condoms....he knowingly had bareback sex with me after having bareback with the other woman. And he only admitted to it after I asked him, AFTER I had sex and was feeling uneasy about it. A fuck up on my part, but I agree he should have been looking out for it too.

I feel like I am only 1 out of 2 people looking out for safe sex right now.

Are any of these traits of someone who's actually capable of a mature poly relationship?
No. Not to me. To me he sounds like he's playing the field all sloppy. That's not practicing (ethical, consenting polyamory) OR (ethical, consenting polysexuality) to me.

To me that all sounds like fucking around while saying whatever in the moment to get into people's pants.

Agreed. The more I've read and the more I've talked to people on here, the more I'm now pretty convinced that he's not practicing ethical poly at all. He's just doing whatever he wants, being a player, not taking responsibility for his actions or how they're affecting me.

Don't barrel through "insecurity" or keep having talks with him in efforts to make him into something that he is not.

Makes sense. I'm really disappointed, as I don't think he's the person I thought he was. I thought he was up front, open, honest, communicative, and able to do a poly relationship. Now I have serious doubts about all that.

It sounds like your insecure feelings stem mostly from your boyfriend's lack of commitment. He is ever elusive in his answers and responses. I don't know if this is a trait you want to tolerate, or if you even want to risk it. He may continue to act like this for a long long time.

Perhaps another conversation is called for at some point?

I would love to have another conversation with him...but I'm becoming doubtful of what that would accomplish. When I tried to talk to him the other night, I chickened out a little and didn't start talking til late, when we were both drunk and tired. But still... he was elusive in his responses again.

I want so badly for this to work, because I like him so much, but I'm also frustrated that every time I try to talk about it it feels like he is evading responsibility. When he says something like "I feel like you want me to make some sort of agreement or rules..." as if it's a chore it's like.... well yeah.... that's a big part of what poly is about. A consensual agreement. Is that really such an unreasonable thing to ask? Again, it makes him just seem like a player, not someone who actually wants a relationship.

I am still unsure what to do. I feel like I can either:
a) Try to have another conversation with him, maybe send him a link to the MoreThanTwo website FAQ.
b) Tell him this relationship is not meeting my needs right now, and he needs to either go figure his shit out or just go fuck other people like he wants.
c) Continue to see him sexually and try to detach emotionally (may be hard for me given our history, and I'm pretty sure he still won't want to use a condom)
d) Just stop talking to him cold turkey and take care of myself....


It seems like I should break things off with him. What's stopping me? I'm afraid of losing him and the connection we have. But I'm not sure how much he even values that connection.

It's also stupid, but I feel like I'm in a competition with this other girl now. He's just seeing both of us, doing what he feels like, no rules, no boundaries, no commitment, no sense of what he wants with me in the long term, nothing. This makes me uneasy, cause how long can I wait around with all that uncertainty? I don't even know her name. I know very very little about her.

But I feel like if I break up with him, the other girl will probably be happy that I'm out of the picture cause she'll get him all to herself. Is that stupid and petty? Probably. But it's something that's stopping me from acting right now.

 

[GalaGirl]

I feel like I am only 1 out of 2 people looking out for safe sex right now.

Yup. You are the only one who cares. And you SHOULD care! It's your health.

It seems like I should break things off with him. What's stopping me? I'm afraid of losing him and the connection we have. But I'm not sure how much he even values that connection.

What connection? He's not respectful of basic sex hygiene, he's evasive whenever you want to bring up your concerns. He is not the person you thought he was.
He is not up front, open, honest, communicative, and able to do a poly relationship. He just wants to fuck around bareback however and whenever with whoever will let him. He's wants to do whatever he wants, being a player, not taking responsibility for his actions or how they're affecting you.

Why do YOU value the connection so much? What does he bring to the table that you enjoy, admire, and respect? Good sex? That can be had elsewhere with people who DO respect basic sex healthy hygiene. Good character? He doesn't seem to be a person of good character.

I suggest you go with D. Just stop talking to him cold turkey and take care of yourself. Whatever connection feelings you might have for him will fade in time if you deliberately choose to work on fading them. Cut things off. No more connection. Your feeling will catch up in time.

But they won't fade if you keep choosing to hang around with him.

I feel like if I break up with him, the other girl will probably be happy that I'm out of the picture cause she'll get him all to herself.

If she wants to have Mr Careless & Irresponsible as her high risk lover? That's her health problem. It does not have to be your problem any more.

He's no prize, hon. He doesn't treat you like you want to be treated. So YOU treat yourself well and get rid of him. Then get your STD screenings.

I'm sorry. I can imagine this is a huge UGH to have to deal with. But still have to deal with it. So please take care of YOU.

Galagirl

 

[willowstar]

Hi agentb2016

I have been away from these boards for a while but just coming back and saw your post.

I recently ended a short term dating relationship with a guy who was also much more "lax" about safe sex than I was comfortable with. We talked about it several times, he tried to justify his behavior by saying everyone was tested and "safe". However he had a primary partner for a few months who also enjoyed casual sex (one night hookups) and they were also wanting to swing.

I made it clear that condoms were always required. I also told him that I thought it was not safe for him to have multiple casual relationships without condoms. He brought out the usual excuses (I've been circumcised, I have trouble orgasming with a condom, etc. Which is not to say that these are not real issues, because I respect that they are for many men. But if you want to go out and have casual sex, this is the price of admission for that.)

In the 5 times that we were together, he "slipped it in" without a condom twice (in hindsight, this never should have happened TWICE) just because he wanted to "feel me". After he and his partner hooked up with another couple for swinging, I found out that this other couple swings without using condoms. Citing an allergy, likely legit. But still felt unsafe.

So, I broke it off with him stating that I felt his safer sex practices were really not safe at all. Telling yourself that people are "tested and safe" does not mean anything. You know how I know? Because he told me the other day that the swinging couple just tested pos for chlamydia.... Now he and his partner are having to deal with being tested, and they have other outside play partners (BDSM) who may also need testing based on those results. All in all, there are about 8-10 people who are potentially infected because people are just not being smart.

I think Galagirl is completely right in saying that you do not need to police what he does. You can only state a boundary for yourself, maybe it's that you will only share sex with condoms, and that could include all sex even oral. You decide what is reasonable for you to stay as safe as possible. He will do what he wants, and you can protect yourself only. If you choose to stay with him, or if you dont and find another to date, you will have much better boundaries. It is easier to just state from the beginning "I only have sex with barriers right now." rather than having to bring condoms back into a relationship.

Ask yourself what advice you would give a friend who was going through this. Would you tell her to stay? Or tell her to cut and run? I am still friends with this ex of mine, as that was still a good friendly relationship and we chat just a little here and there. But I did have to stop the sexual relationship because it was not safe FOR ME.

Wishing you luck,
Willow

 

[agentb2016]

What connection? He's not respectful of basic sex hygiene, he's evasive whenever you want to bring up your concerns. He is not the person you thought he was.
He is not up front, open, honest, communicative, and able to do a poly relationship. He just wants to fuck around bareback however and whenever with whoever will let him. He's wants to do whatever he wants, being a player, not taking responsibility for his actions or how they're affecting you.

Why do YOU value the connection so much? What does he bring to the table that you enjoy, admire, and respect? Good sex? That can be had elsewhere with people who DO respect basic sex healthy hygiene. Good character? He doesn't seem to be a person of good character.

He's no prize, hon. He doesn't treat you like you want to be treated. So YOU treat yourself well and get rid of him. Then get your STD screenings.

I don't know why I value the connection so much. When we met, we just had such great chemistry. I wasn't expecting anything or looking for a relationship per se, I was just doing my thing and taking care of myself. But we met and just hit it off and kept going. I hadn't felt that kind of chemistry with someone for a long, long time.

I just feel like what we have is unique, and I saw this as a person I could be with a long time. I don't know why. I let myself fall for him...he said he was a slut, but he seemed to want a relationship. He treated me well. I don't think he was seeing any others for a long time, tho he talked about wanting to.

I love spending time with him. I just feel really good when I'm around him. The sex is great. We're both into kink, and have been exploring that together. We also do date-y things like go to movies or make dinner together or go for walks. We went away to the cottage for 3 days together. It's nice. But of course when these talks come up, when my insecurities come up and he doesn't give me much assurance of what he wants, it sucks.

Then I go home, and I gradually start to feel like shit, as I process everything that happened with him. It's like a bad hangover. This is only in the past month though. The hangover feeling wasn't there for the first 4 months.

 

[agentb2016]

He just asked me to go see a movie. I hesitated on sending a reply and all I sent back was "Sure."

I wanted so badly to say "I'd also like to talk. Preferably sometime when we're not drunk or tired."

But I haven't yet. I'm having a hard time standing up for myself and my needs with him right now.

I want to send him the link to the More Than Two Poly FAQ. I want to tell him I don't think my needs are being met in this relationship. I want to tell him I want something real, or I'm out.

This should be no surprise to him. I told him a month ago that I ultimately want something long term and genuine. And before that, it was pretty well implied by my actions. I don't understand how he can be aware that this is what I want, yet seem to keep putting it off or ignoring it while continuing to ask me on dates.

 

[GalaGirl]

Then I go home, and I gradually start to feel like shit, as I process everything that happened with him. It's like a bad hangover. This is only in the past month though. The hangover feeling wasn't there for the first 4 months.

That to me sounds like you USED to have some connection. And you don't any more.

In the present day... what connection is there? None that I can see. Basically he fucks you bareback and tells you after that he's also fucking this other woman bareback. He won't change his sex health practices to include regular testing and protection. Does not respect you and does not give you the full picture FIRST when obtaining full consent. That is your present day. This is how he chooses to be.

I don't understand how he can be aware that this is what I want, yet seem to keep putting it off or ignoring it while continuing to ask me on dates.

Are you talking about HIM or YOU?

Because YOU are aware of what you want. YOU keep putting off or ignoring having the talk. And YOU keep accepting dates.

If it were me? I would cut him loose. Not worth it.

If I wanted to see him? Show me the money FIRST. Have the talks, set the boundaries of "We only have sex WITH barriers, buddy. You are too loosey goosey elsewhere for me to go bareback here. I want to see some clean labs first before we start up again."

Once you see clean labs, THEN consider accepting a date. Not accept the date and then.... nothing else happens but him getting his jollies and you being miserable.

Why should he do anything different? From his end, he's getting what he wants. Bareback sex with you, no "heavy" conversation about him changing his loosey goosey sex practices, and a new date to boot. Sounds great for him. He doesn't have to change anything. He's not unhappy.

YOU are unhappy. As a result of your own behavior:You keep skipping setting boundaries and keep dating him even though you know you feel bad after the date.

You could STOP that behavior. See if you feel better in time.

I want to send him the link to the More Than Two Poly FAQ. I want to tell him I don't think my needs are being met in this relationship. I want to tell him I want something real, or I'm out.

So do it. I know it feels hard for you right now, but it gets easier with practice. The skill won't come out of the sky. You have to work at it.

Could email him back, and say

"Sorry. I have changed my mind. I do not want to keep this date with you. My needs are not being met in this relationship. I prefer something real. Not more of same. So I am choosing OUT. Please don't call or email me any more. "​

Block his phone, Facebook, email and whatever else so you are not tempted to start up again with him

There. Over and done in 5 min.

Then you can focus on healing. LINGER there. That's a better place to linger than you lingering in this miserable stuff.

And if you ever have to dump someone who treats you like this again? You can do it faster/easier.

I hope things look up for you.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

I've been poly dating for 7 years, and time and time again I have felt "chemistry" with this or that guy. I've then been let down by them in one way or another. It's very sad! It's sad to feel that spark, that link, and see them throw all our (seeming) potential away.

I've come to see it as a sort of trick our hormones play on us. Nature wants us to reproduce. So she has these tools she uses to get us to have intercourse. The hormones are misleading though! There is so much more we humans want than a bunch of kids. So, we need to use our reason into entering into, and fostering, long term relationship, not just think with our genitals.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi agentb2016,

It sounds like this guy you're dating wants 100% freedom. No rules, no limits, no restrictions. How do you feel about that? Is that something you want to tolerate?

Do you want 100% freedom? or are you more inclined to place reasonable limits on what you'll do? Do you want to insist on a condom given the circumstances?

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[agentb2016]

Hi agentb2016,

It sounds like this guy you're dating wants 100% freedom. No rules, no limits, no restrictions. How do you feel about that? Is that something you want to tolerate?

Do you want 100% freedom? or are you more inclined to place reasonable limits on what you'll do? Do you want to insist on a condom given the circumstances?

Hi Kevin -

No, I don't think I want 100% freedom. I think I want a loving relationship, with reasonable limits on both sides and trust, honesty, and respect. I've never had issues with respecting peoples' limits because they just make sense to me. If my partner needed me to back off from a certain situation for their own comfort, I would do it.

Yes, I want to insist on a condom, given the circumstances. And I also want to get tested again to make sure I'm clean again.

 

[kdt26417]

Getting tested again sounds like a good idea (as well as insisting on condom use).

Unless this guy can figure out what he wants, I'm inclined to think he's not compatible with you. What you'll have to decide is how long you'll be willing to wait for him to figure himself out. Maybe he never will ...

I know breaking up is a dreadful thing to contemplate, but I would consider it anyway. Sorry you're in such a tight spot.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.