Fiancé and I entered quad with our married friends

ezbeinGZ23

New member
Apologies for the lengthy post, but I feel the back story helps to understand our unique situation.

So my fiancée and I have been together 8 years ,roughly the same as the couple were dating (who have been married 5 years) We have very little experience with Poly relationships I’ve had a bit in a previous, but short lived (1yr) primary relationship and I encouraged my fiancé to date a female coworker a few years back that she had feelings for and it eventually turned into a throuple that turned a little messy, but overall ended amicably aside from creating some minor trust issues her and I have worked through.

Anyways about 8 months ago her and I hooked up with our married friends who have been Poly basically their entire relationship. It happened a few more times with the 4 of us over the next couple weeks, but my gf(now) and I started developing deeper feelings for each other pretty quickly and tried dating.

It turned into a dynamic right away where my fiancée wasn’t comfortable (mostly cause of past triggers and she wasn’t ready to take that step with my partner’s husband) so we called it quits for the next 5 months and just remained friends, but talked about the possibility of us all dating each other and eventually decided we were all on the same page and now we’ve been together about 3 months.

It’s been absolutely incredible!! There is so much love and trust and communication in every direction that it’s better than a dream.

One rule has been that if the “primary” couples are fighting the secondaries allow space(this has yet to be an issue as there’s been no riff or arguments to speak of). The other one is my gf can’t spend the night at our house while my fiancée is outta town same would go the other way, but I run a farm so can only vacation in the winter. It’s fine with all parties if we stay at the other couples house as it’s something they are more accustomed to.

So far for the past 3 months everything’s really excellent and comfortable. We all discuss everyone’s feelings individually and as a group as we move forward and all of our relationships are stronger than ever. We’ve all been friends for even longer than the primaries have been together and it just feels right. Are we crazy for thinking this could actually work?

I tried asking for success stories or guidance on the Poly group on Reddit, everyone was surprisingly harsh and judgmental and essentially said we’re all stupid and doomed. It doesn’t feel that way to any of us though as we’ve discussed a lot of pitfalls and what ifs, like what it looks like if one couple decides to end it and the progression of thing. We all love each other and trust one another to a point it seems hard to imagine it ending without being amicable or if it did with one couple I can’t imagine anyone involved preventing the other parties from being happy together.

Are there any success stories for quads out there? Cause it seems like I can only find people who say it will never work in poly groups thus far. Sick of people saying that we should just casually swing when we all value the emotional connections and Poly side of this more than we ever could just having casual sex.

(Also when I say success I’m not saying together forever necessarily. Even a quad like this that ended and everyone remained friends or the primaries remained married and it didn’t get too terribly messy I would consider those successes as well.)

For what it’s worth this is a MFMF quad and we’re all age 28-32 so we’ve literally all been close friends pretty much our whole adult lives.
 
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You have 12 hours to edit your post. If you go back and add a few paragraph breaks it will be easier for our members to read so you can get more advice.
 
Apologies for the lengthy post, but I feel the back story helps to understand our unique situation.
Thanks for adding the paragraph breaks! I've added nicknames for your partners.
So, my fiancée Mary and I have been together 8 years, roughly the same as our “secondary” couple, Ann and Matt (who have been married 5 years). We have very little experience with poly relationships. I’ve had a bit in a previous, but short-lived (1 yr) primary relationship, and I encouraged Mary to date a female coworker a few years back that she had feelings for. This eventually turned into a throuple that turned a little messy, but overall ended amicably, aside from creating some minor trust issues that Mary and I have worked through.

Anyway, about 8 months ago, Mary and I hooked up with some married friends, Ann and Matt, who have been poly basically their entire relationship. It happened a few more times with the 4 of us over the next couple weeks, but Ann and I started developing deeper feelings for each other pretty quickly and tried dating.

This turned into a dynamic right away where Mary wasn’t comfortable. Mostly because of past triggers; also, she wasn’t ready to take that step with Matt. So we called it quits for the next 5 months and just remained friends. But we talked about the possibility of us all dating each other. Eventually decided we were all on the same page. Now we’ve been together about 3 months.

It’s been absolutely incredible!! There is so much love and trust and communication in every direction that it’s better than a dream.
Is every member of the group romantically and sexually involved with the other? Are there dyads of MM, MF, and FF?

It's awesome that you four have been able to talk through your issues and make this work, so far. You might want to choose nicknames (and please don't just use initials) for all the players, rather than just wife, gf and the other husband. Let me suggest Mary for your fiancee, Ann for your gf and Matt for the other husband. You can choose others. This will make it easier for the members too!

So now Mary IS in love with Matt and you are in love with Ann, and vice versa? What about the same sex couples? Love, feelings, or just friends/play partners/sex partners?
One rule has been that if the “primary” couples are fighting, the secondaries allow space. (This has yet to be an issue, as there have been no riffs or arguments to speak of).) The other one is: Ann can’t spend the night at our house while Mary is out of town. The same would go the other way, but I run a farm so can only vacation in the winter. It’s fine with all parties if we stay at the other couples' house, as it’s something they are more accustomed to.
So maybe this is just a soft limit for now, the sleepovers when Mary is out of town. What is her reasoning for that?
So far, for the past 3 months, everything’s been really excellent and comfortable. We all discuss everyone’s feelings individually and as a group as we move forward, and all of our relationships are stronger than ever. We’ve all been friends for even longer than the primaries have been together and it just feels right. Are we crazy for thinking this could actually work?
No, you're not crazy. Working quads are rather unusual, but sometimes once in a blue moon all the star align. It sounds like there is a lot of respect and communication, which are key.
I tried asking for success stories or guidance on the poly group on Reddit, but everyone was surprisingly harsh and judgmental and essentially said we’re all stupid and doomed.
Well, reddit is stupid. You'll find our board is much better.
It doesn’t feel that way to any of us though, as we’ve discussed a lot of pitfalls and what ifs, like, what it looks like if one couple decides to end it and the progression of things. We all love each other and trust one another to a point it seems hard to imagine it ending without being amicable. Or if it did with one couple, I can’t imagine anyone involved preventing the other parties from being happy together.
You realize that the primary couple relationships are just as likely to end at some point as the secondary ones. You might end up with Ann, and Mary might end up with Matt, or if there is romance between the same sex couples, maybe one or two of those will survive and the MF couples break up. Relationships are fluid. You never know if they will last 2 years or 40!
Are there any success stories for quads out there? It seems like I can only find people who say it will never work in poly groups thus far. I'm sick of people saying that we should just casually swing when we all value the emotional connections and poly side of this more than we ever could just having casual sex.
As I said, healthy quads are pretty rare. If you need poly advice/support/info in general though, you've come to the right place.
Also, when I say success, I’m not saying together forever, necessarily. Even a quad like this that ended and everyone remained friends or the primaries remained married and it didn’t get too terribly messy I would consider those successes, as well.
If one or both primary couples broke up, would you still consider this all to have been worth it? You and Mary might break up someday for reasons unrelated to polyamory, for example. I was married monogamously (despite my poly feelings) for over 30 years, but I don't consider it a "failure." There were plenty of good things I look back on. We just grew in different directions.

Anyway, let us know what kind of guidance you need right now, and we can go from there.
 
Is every member of the group romantically and sexually involved with the other? Are there dyads of MM, MF, and FF?
There’s more of an FF romance than an MM dynamic. Matt and I hang out one on one a lot going fishing, morel hunting, playing music ect. There’s an emotional connection there and have been some tender/sexual moments with the 4 of us together, but I wouldn’t classify our relationship as very sexual or romantic. He’s slightly more into MM relationships than I am, but we’re both more on the Hetero side of the spectrum. The FF is also less romantically involved than the MF relationships, but there is definitely a lot of chemistry there non the less.
 
So maybe this is just a soft limit for now, the sleepovers when Mary is out of town. What is her reasoning for that?
I think one of the reasons is I’m extremely busy and need to get enough sleep to stay on top of my daily farm and business stuff which generally doesn’t happen if Ann spends the night. The other reasoning is I think she doesn’t want to feel completely “replaceable” or be forgotten about while she’s out of town which isn’t the case, but definitely an insecurity she has to work through. I’d personally rather be out of the house if just Matt stays the night. Doesn’t bother me, but if I’m not involved in the sex I don’t fully enjoy sitting here listening to them.
 
If one or both primary couples broke up, would you still consider this all to have been worth it? You and Mary might break up someday for reasons unrelated to polyamory, for example. I was married monogamously (despite my poly feelings) for over 30 years, but I don't consider it a "failure." There were plenty of good things I look back on. We just grew in different directions.
It would definitely not be ideal if either primary relationship ended, but if it was the situation where we just grow apart over time and we had many more good years together I’d consider that a success as well. At this stage it seems way more likely that the primary relationships would hold together if the others broke off.

None of us want to harm the primaries in the least Ann is Mary’s bridesmaid in our wedding this Fall and they have been best friends for years and value that friendship as much or more than the secondary romances. Currently we all agree to call the secondaries quits if that even became a possibility.

I do understand that time can change these feelings and dynamics, but currently Mary and I have been together 8 years and our relationship has never been stronger and neither of us would fathom jeopardizing our life we’ve built together.
 
I think one of the reasons is I’m extremely busy and need to get enough sleep to stay on top of my daily farm and business stuff which generally doesn’t happen if Ann spends the night. The other reasoning is I think she doesn’t want to feel completely “replaceable” or be forgotten about while she’s out of town, which isn’t the case, but definitely an insecurity she has to work through.
So maybe as she works through it, this could change. But maybe not, if on your end you would just rather get your rest. Personally, I spend about 3 days a week with each of my partners, and get a day of rest in between, most of the time. And I love that me-time!
I’d personally rather be out of the house if just Matt stays the night. Doesn’t bother me, but if I’m not involved in the sex I don’t fully enjoy sitting here listening to them.
Well, you sure don't have to listen to them! You could wear noise-cancelling headphones, or play music or turn the TV up real loud for your shows or video games. But if you have the option to go see Ann, that works too, of course.
 
Main thing I needed was to hear that we arn’t nuts for trying this and wanted to hopefully find some working quad dynamics that made it feel like it could actually be sustainable which I have found a few other threads on here that confirmed this. Although it does seem far more likely to blow up in everyone’s face I’m inclined to believe that this could be a unique situation.

Appreciate everyone’s help and words of encouragement, definitely a complete switch up from my Reddit experience. So that’s refreshing.
 
So maybe as she works through it, this could change. But maybe not, if on your end you would just rather get your rest. Personally, I spend about 3 days a week with each of my partners, and get a day of rest in between, most of the time. And I love that me-time!
For sure it’s not a huge deal either way to any of us. (Not like Ann has a strict curfew or time i need to kick her out or anything so it’s a loose rule) I also greatly value some me time and it’s been kinda nice having that time to myself as well. I imagine the not sleeping when we spend the night together will fade over time. It’s just still so exciting and new it’s hard to sleep when you can’t keep your hands off each other.

That’s really awesome and inspiring that you have that dynamic and it works though. Definitely harder/impossible to keep everything even with 4 people involved, but so far it’s been comfortable even when it’s not entirely equal.
 
Hello ezbeinGZ23,

Here is a (lengthy) thread where you can find success stories: Poly Vignettes: Sharing Success & Happiness. I believe some quad stories are in there, although by no means is it limited to that.

Just going by your description, I have to say it sounds like your quad is off to a really good start, and it is hopeful that you will probably continue to have a successful quad relationship. It will probably be long-lasting too, though that's not to say that's a guarantee. I do think you can improve your odds by visiting this forum often, updating us on your situation as it evolves, and getting more advice and feedback. You'll definitely get more out of Polyamory.com than what you got out of Reddit!

Glad to have you with us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hello ezbeinGZ23,

Here is a (lengthy) thread where you can find success stories: Poly Vignettes: Sharing Success & Happiness. I believe some quad stories are in there, although by no means is it limited to that.

Just going by your description, I have to say it sounds like your quad is off to a really good start, and it is hopeful that you will probably continue to have a successful quad relationship. It will probably be long-lasting too, though that's not to say that's a guarantee. I do think you can improve your odds by visiting this forum often, updating us on your situation as it evolves, and getting more advice and feedback. You'll definitely get more out of Polyamory.com than what you got out of Reddit!

Glad to have you
Hello ezbeinGZ23,

Here is a (lengthy) thread where you can find success stories: Poly Vignettes: Sharing Success & Happiness. I believe some quad stories are in there, although by no means is it limited to that.

Just going by your description, I have to say it sounds like your quad is off to a really good start, and it is hopeful that you will probably continue to have a successful quad relationship. It will probably be long-lasting too, though that's not to say that's a guarantee. I do think you can improve your odds by visiting this forum often, updating us on your situation as it evolves, and getting more advice and feedback. You'll definitely get more out of Polyamory.com than what you got out of Reddit!

Glad to have you with us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Thank you so much for the warm welcome. I’ve combed through this thread a bit now and it’s just nice to hear the dynamics that work for people regardless if it’s the same as mine. So I appreciate it. I love love and this community is really beautiful.

I think we’re off to a great start as well and hopefully I’ll be adding to this specific thread soon. Will be sure to share the good for motivation for others and ask for help if we’re struggling for sure.
 
Sounds good. Polyamory is a broad spectrum, and there are a lot of possible configurations that can succeed with the right attitudes, thoughtfulness, and communication. If you can add your quad story to the vignettes thread, it will help encourage and inform other quads in the future.
 
You are not nuts.

People who try to FORCE a triad or quad thing usually bungle it up badly. Hence everyone warning doom.

Here it sounds like you were all friends from way back, communicate well, and are going step by step so it's more a natural quad "emerging" rather than being "forced."

Whatever the polycule size? The building blocks are the dyads. Like you and Matt aren't dating each other, but you seem to have a good dyad for communication and also have a friendship. You and Mary? That dyad seems to be stable too. You and Ann? That dyad is also going ok. Hopefully all the other dyads in this grouping are also decent.

So even if you do not find many examples of natural quads out there, the issues that come up in dyads? You can learn from that anyway. YKWIM?

You have all talked about various ways this might end -- and are all ok with the possibilities. And not like if this branch breaks up, everyone has to break up then. You are all willing to adjust again. So that's good.

So keep on keeping on. Keep educating yourselves, keep communicating, enjoy how it unfolds, solve issues calmly, etc.

One thing at a time.

Galagirl
 
Apologies for the lengthy post, but I feel the back story helps to understand our unique situation.

So my fiancée and I have been together 8 years ,roughly the same as the couple were dating (who have been married 5 years) We have very little experience with Poly relationships I’ve had a bit in a previous, but short lived (1yr) primary relationship and I encouraged my fiancé to date a female coworker a few years back that she had feelings for and it eventually turned into a throuple that turned a little messy, but overall ended amicably aside from creating some minor trust issues her and I have worked through.

Anyways about 8 months ago her and I hooked up with our married friends who have been Poly basically their entire relationship. It happened a few more times with the 4 of us over the next couple weeks, but my gf(now) and I started developing deeper feelings for each other pretty quickly and tried dating.

It turned into a dynamic right away where my fiancée wasn’t comfortable (mostly cause of past triggers and she wasn’t ready to take that step with my partner’s husband) so we called it quits for the next 5 months and just remained friends, but talked about the possibility of us all dating each other and eventually decided we were all on the same page and now we’ve been together about 3 months.

It’s been absolutely incredible!! There is so much love and trust and communication in every direction that it’s better than a dream.

One rule has been that if the “primary” couples are fighting the secondaries allow space(this has yet to be an issue as there’s been no riff or arguments to speak of). The other one is my gf can’t spend the night at our house while my fiancée is outta town same would go the other way, but I run a farm so can only vacation in the winter. It’s fine with all parties if we stay at the other couples house as it’s something they are more accustomed to.

So far for the past 3 months everything’s really excellent and comfortable. We all discuss everyone’s feelings individually and as a group as we move forward and all of our relationships are stronger than ever. We’ve all been friends for even longer than the primaries have been together and it just feels right. Are we crazy for thinking this could actually work?

I tried asking for success stories or guidance on the Poly group on Reddit, everyone was surprisingly harsh and judgmental and essentially said we’re all stupid and doomed. It doesn’t feel that way to any of us though as we’ve discussed a lot of pitfalls and what ifs, like what it looks like if one couple decides to end it and the progression of thing. We all love each other and trust one another to a point it seems hard to imagine it ending without being amicable or if it did with one couple I can’t imagine anyone involved preventing the other parties from being happy together.

Are there any success stories for quads out there? Cause it seems like I can only find people who say it will never work in poly groups thus far. Sick of people saying that we should just casually swing when we all value the emotional connections and Poly side of this more than we ever could just having casual sex.

(Also when I say success I’m not saying together forever necessarily. Even a quad like this that ended and everyone remained friends or the primaries remained married and it didn’t get too terribly messy I would consider those successes as well.)

For what it’s worth this is a MFMF quad and we’re all age 28-32 so we’ve literally all been close friends pretty much our whole adult lives.
My only advice is be the success story u speak of. You've got a good thing. Enjoy the experience completely.
 
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