First Post and My Story

jjnkns8033

New member
I appreciate the opportunity to post here. I am in a 25+ year monogamous relationship with my wife, M, who has been an amazing wife and mother to two grown kids. I know my wife is strongly mono. Meanwhile, I have on occasion thought about poly but it’s been just a passing thought until now

Through a weekly social outing with my family, I met an amazing woman, C, for whom I’ve developed a strong physical and emotional attraction (NRE type feelings). The attraction to C is similar to how I felt when I met my wife which makes sense as M and C are a lot alike. It’s totally weird to feel in love with two people at once. I am also confident that C likes me. I haven’t discussed my feelings with her, but she just acts so wonderfully awkwardly around me in a way that’s different than she acts with anyone else.

To be up front, C is not a good choice for trying out poly. While I wish I could date her, C is currently going through a separation, and I don’t want to get in the middle. Also, C has become a good friend to my wife and daughters, and I’ve never discussed poly with my wife before

So, I have two dilemmas. First, I do want C to know that she is awesome, should be confident in herself, and will find a way to land on her own two feet one way or another. Is that possible? What, if anything, would be acceptable to say to her? Would it make her feel empowered, uncomfortable, or something else? Obviously, I am walking up to the line here, but how close can I go without crossing over? I have told my wife that I like C a lot just not in a romantic way so I have some flexibility here.

Second, any advice on where to go from here on my personal journey? My wife has previously stated that the worst thing she can imagine is my being physical with someone else. However, she was surprisingly accepting of my admitting that I like C and want the best for her. So, maybe I can open the door to at least allow strong friendships with the opposite sex as a first step. For what it’s worth, I have always been able to channel outside sexual energy from flirting and fantasies toward my wife. In fact, since meeting C, M and I have been having the best sex we’ve had in a while.

The situation has also made me assess M and my relationship and realize that we have set our own identities aside while raising the kids with almost no time spent outside the family besides work. I read on here a post about disentanglement and may need to work on that first and then revisit this topic again in six months or so.

Anyway, thanks for listening to my story. If nothing else comes of it, at least if feels good to write it all down.
 

Evie

Mod
You could say, "C, you're awesome, should be confident in yourself, and I'm sure you will find a way to land on your own two feet one way or another."

And continue to work on being a good platonic friend, not someone who is eyeing up this newly single lady who is probably really vulnerable right now.

Since you and M are at a new stage of life, then redesigning that life through disentangling would be highly recommended imo, even if you never end up practicing polyamory. Go find out who you each are, try out hobbies, get to meet new people and make some new friends. Have the conversation about both of you making friends with anyone (regardless of sex or gender) and slough off whatever preexisting notions you had about not being friends with the opposite sex. Sometimes, those friendships can be rewarding enough without adding sexual activity into the mix. And don't become a hypocrite when M meets new people and develops a new friendship with a man.

So, congratulations on having a long marriage so far and I sincerely hope you can grow through this next phase of reclaiming your identities as J and M (rather than mom and dad). I don't recommend broaching polyamory until you have got a balance between interdependence and independence.
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
Welcome to the board.

To be up front, C is not a good choice for trying out poly. While I wish I could date her, C is currently going through a separation, and I don’t want to get in the middle. Also, C has become a good friend to my wife and daughters, and I’ve never discussed poly with my wife before

Glad you see that.

Could put her on your "messy people list" and don't actually ever pursue her. Enjoy the crush quietly from afar. But don't do anything since she's a) divorcing and b) friends with your wife and daughters.

Just like you probably wouldn't want your wife to date your parents, boss, best friend, etc.? You wouldn't do same in the other direction. Do not date the people that could get really messy.

You could say "I'm sorry you are going through a divorce, C. I hope you know you are an awesome person. You could be confident through this and believe that you will find a way to land on your own two feet one way or another."

You can say that to a family friend without getting creepy or weird.

The situation has also made me assess M and my relationship and realize that we have set our own identities aside while raising the kids with almost no time spent outside the family besides work. I read on here a post about disentanglement and may need to work on that first and then revisit this topic again in six months or so.

I think if you kinda became a "CoupleBlob" through active parenting, now that you are coming out of that phase of life? The kids have grown?

Could work on detangling some. Work on having your own individual identities/interests AND the couple interests. You don't have to be joined at the hip as empty nesters. You aren't just parents.

The headline of your newspaper is "jjnkns8033" and there might be sections for "husband" or "parent" or "gardener" or "golfer" or whatever else. "Husband" or "parent" or is not the headline. YOU are. Figure out who you are again, and fill out all the sections more that you neglected in the past. Have more work/life balance and become a better rounded person. Not just all one thing -- parent.

My wife has previously stated that the worst thing she can imagine is my being physical with someone else.
Sounds like your wife is very monogamous.

However, she was surprisingly accepting of my admitting that I like C and want the best for her.

So you are a nice person and kind to some woman going through a divorce. Why would that be a problem for wife to accept? It's not a big deal. Why are YOU surprised she was accepting?

So, maybe I can open the door to at least allow strong friendships with the opposite sex as a first step.

That's where you have to tread carefully. Be nice to her friend in a divorce is one thing.

Suggesting opening up the marriage to poly is another. Now just talking about it doesn't have to mean doom. It's just talk and I'd like to think a 25 year marriage isn't going to just implode from simple conversation.

But let me ask you something...

  • All this time in 25 years, you couldn't be friends with both men and women? Or is C just the first woman friend you also have a little bit of a crush on?
  • This is your wife, but you couldn't tell her what's going on in your inner life before? This is the first time you are thinking about opening up to her that way?
  • You mentioned getting too caught up in parenting and neglecting individual selves. Has there been other stuff in the marrage that got out of balance?
Maybe think about working on things like that in the marriage first before talking about trying new things?

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings jjnkns8033,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I think you should tell C that she is awesome, should be confident in herself, and will find a way to land on her own two feet one way or another. In the meantime, you should tell M that you have feelings for C that are not just platonic. Now telling M and C these things does not mean that you are going to start a relationship with C, it just means that you are being honest and transparent. You should also talk with M about polyamory, find out if that is a hard limit for her that will never change, or if she thinks she might be able to tolerate poly eventually.

Nothing is set in stone at this point. You are just exploring how you feel about polyamory. Keep reading and posting on this forum, it will help you to learn more about polyamory and to organize your thoughts.

I'm glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

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dingedheart

Well-known member
I have told my wife that I like C a lot just not in a romantic way so I have some flexibility here.
This sounds either like a flat out lie or some sort of clever spin and some grand plan of manipulation.

Second, any advice on where to go from here on my personal journey? My wife has previously stated that the worst thing she can imagine is my being physical with someone else. However, she was surprisingly accepting of my admitting that I like C and want the best for her. So, maybe I can open the door to at least allow strong friendships with the opposite sex as a first step.

Most people are more offended or hurt by being played or manipulated in some incremental …put the frog in room temp water and dial it up. Could that wory? maybe. But what if it breaks bad ?

For what it’s worth, I have always been able to channel outside sexual energy from flirting and fantasies toward my wife. In fact, since meeting C, M and I have been having the best sex we’ve had in a while.

GOOD for you😉👍. Is she aware of this as well. This could be a really good sell point, her friend is directly and positively impacting your sex life 😁. Her / your friend might be flattered too.

The situation has also made me assess M and my relationship and realize that we have set our own identities aside while raising the kids with almost no time spent outside the family besides work. I read on here a post about disentanglement and may need to work on that first and then revisit this topic again in six months or so.

I think you should firmly decide on what you want your marriage to look like and then be completely honest to your wife to allow her the time to process and evaluate what she wants going forward. I also think disentangling is a good step forward and those 2 things can go on at the same time and help with figuring some of that stuff and setting expectations or rather lowering expectations.
 
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MeeraReed

Active member
There is a lot in your post about C, and not very much about your wife. Stop fantasizing about telling C she's awesome, and actually be honest with your wife. Like dingedheart said, it's manipulative to try to drop hints/lay the groundwork/ease your wife into it without being honest with her.

Right now, it doesn't sound like your wife would consent to polyamory at all. I don't think a monogamous person would appreciate hearing that the awesome sex you've been having with her is really due to you having the hots for another woman. It sounds like you are majorly going to hurt your wife here.

Would you want to be poly if not for C? If your wife agrees to try polyamory, but won't be comfortable with you dating C, would you still want to be poly with other women? Do you feel like polyamory is something you want for yourself regardless, or is it just about your crush on C?
 
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