Harry_Fondue
New member
Hi, thanks everyone for the advice. It's been some time since I made the post. Since then, I took the advice of many of you and confronted my wife about her affair.
I wrote a letter and left it for her, knowing I would be back in a few hours and we could speak. This was a way of getting my words out clearly and uninterrupted. I admitted my phone snooping, said it was wrong, and then described the shock and heartbreak I was feeling upon learning about her affair, and her expression of interest in polyamory - conniving with a stranger about how she would bring it up to me.
Her immediate reaction was anger that I had snooped through her phone. I explained that context matters. I was very suspicious, especially after some of the statements she had made in earlier arguments. She said if I wanted to divorce her over this, go ahead, that it was a little bit of fun for her when things were bad between us.
She insisted nothing happened, not even kissing. She said she was flattered by his attention and mentioned that the man's wife had expressed interest in her, as well. That was a shocker! She claims to be open-minded and says polyamory piqued her interest, but she's not sure she really wants that.
I pressed her on why she kept this a secret, if indeed she feels she did nothing wrong. Her answer was confounding: she said she would have told me if things were better between us. So if things were good, she would have sprung this on me? I think that's a lie, and if she did bring it up it would have been void of the most important detail - that her apparent interest in polyamory started with an individual.
I was heartbroken when I found out, heartbroken when I wrote the letter, and am still. However, 24 hours after the letter and our initial discussion, I told her I believe her, that I understand things were bad between us, that her actions are not a levelling of the scale for things I have done wrong, and that I will try and process my emotions and move on.
I also called the guy. It felt good to stand up for myself and my marriage. I told him I knew everything-- the sexting, the hot tub, the scheming behind my back about my wife entering an open relationship with him. I told him he did damage to our marriage and demanded that he stop contacting her. He tried to backpedal and sidestep. I told him enough is enough, f-off, goodbye.
I don't believe they have been in contact with each other since then. I am not a closed-minded or small person, but I believe the polyamory thing in this case was just a way for this guy to seem harmless, as he tried to lure my wife into an affair.
Things are better with my wife and me, but I'm still carrying a lot of hurt, suspicion, and unanswered questions about her infidelity, even if it was an emotional, not a physical affair. I wish these feelings would go away, but I feel like I need her to open up about this whole thing and try to sympathize with what it feels like for me.
In the meantime, I'm doing everything I can to be a good man, a good father, and a good husband. We'll see.
I wrote a letter and left it for her, knowing I would be back in a few hours and we could speak. This was a way of getting my words out clearly and uninterrupted. I admitted my phone snooping, said it was wrong, and then described the shock and heartbreak I was feeling upon learning about her affair, and her expression of interest in polyamory - conniving with a stranger about how she would bring it up to me.
Her immediate reaction was anger that I had snooped through her phone. I explained that context matters. I was very suspicious, especially after some of the statements she had made in earlier arguments. She said if I wanted to divorce her over this, go ahead, that it was a little bit of fun for her when things were bad between us.
She insisted nothing happened, not even kissing. She said she was flattered by his attention and mentioned that the man's wife had expressed interest in her, as well. That was a shocker! She claims to be open-minded and says polyamory piqued her interest, but she's not sure she really wants that.
I pressed her on why she kept this a secret, if indeed she feels she did nothing wrong. Her answer was confounding: she said she would have told me if things were better between us. So if things were good, she would have sprung this on me? I think that's a lie, and if she did bring it up it would have been void of the most important detail - that her apparent interest in polyamory started with an individual.
I was heartbroken when I found out, heartbroken when I wrote the letter, and am still. However, 24 hours after the letter and our initial discussion, I told her I believe her, that I understand things were bad between us, that her actions are not a levelling of the scale for things I have done wrong, and that I will try and process my emotions and move on.
I also called the guy. It felt good to stand up for myself and my marriage. I told him I knew everything-- the sexting, the hot tub, the scheming behind my back about my wife entering an open relationship with him. I told him he did damage to our marriage and demanded that he stop contacting her. He tried to backpedal and sidestep. I told him enough is enough, f-off, goodbye.
I don't believe they have been in contact with each other since then. I am not a closed-minded or small person, but I believe the polyamory thing in this case was just a way for this guy to seem harmless, as he tried to lure my wife into an affair.
Things are better with my wife and me, but I'm still carrying a lot of hurt, suspicion, and unanswered questions about her infidelity, even if it was an emotional, not a physical affair. I wish these feelings would go away, but I feel like I need her to open up about this whole thing and try to sympathize with what it feels like for me.
In the meantime, I'm doing everything I can to be a good man, a good father, and a good husband. We'll see.
