You sound like you are asking how I make decisions about some things.
I check the "toggles."
Some things are (important) AND (urgent.) Like the house on fire. We have to deal with it NOW and it is major. Being trapped in a burning house could kill us!
Some things are (important) but not (urgent.) Like updating my will to include a new grandkid. It doesn't have to be right now. Next week is soon enough. Not like the burning house situation.
Some things are (urgent) but not (important.) I'm out doing errands and I have to pee. But I don't like the bathroom at the gas station, so I can wait til I get to the grocery down the street. They have nicer bathrooms.
Some things are neither (urgent) nor (important.) I got a coupon in the mail for pet food and I own no pets. I can toss it here on the table til I feel like dealing with getting the trash together. Nothing will happen if it sits there for a week or even a month.
At this time? You feeling excited or anxious and it making a sense of urgency? That's urgent but not important. Or at least not as important as maintaining good relationships with your people. So sit with it/on it and don't rush. There's no "fire" here. It's ok to wait.
Or I check the values.
Right now it sounds like you place "remain in good relationship with my people" as a higher value than "get something going here fast."
When you cannot have two values at the same time? You could answer to the higher value. Which is remaining in right relationship with your people.
So you end up at the same conclusion using that method -- have to sit with the feelings of urgency and not rush.
That's two ways I use.
I'm sorry that over the years you lost touch with who you are at core, how to do your own self care, and that you chose to do for everyone else at your expense. Not balanced living.
It's also not a good model for your kids to grow up to emulate. I can imagine you don't want them growing up doing same and burning themselves out.
You could start with saying "No, not yet" more around the house.
I'll give you an example. Mornings here are NUTS. Everyone wants mom for something. Braid my hair, where is my breakfast, where are my socks.
I say no.
"Nope. Willing, but not able yet. I have to do MY basics first and attend to my teeth, my potty, my coffee. Your stuff? That is BONUS stuff to me. They are YOUR basics... so you attend to it first. See how far you can get with it on your own. I believe you can handle it. Maybe think about putting your stuff out the night before.
I am going to do my basics and you do yours as far as you can. THEN I will come see what I can help you with if there's stuff left still."
You put your OWN oxygen mask on first before you try to help other people. It is NECESSARY.
One of the kids recently told me someone asked kid for math help. Kid replied "I see you want my help. Math class is time for me to do MY work. So no. Not right now. I have to do my own work first. I can help you at lunch. See me then if you still want my help. Or if you need it now, ask someone else who can do it now."
I told kid I was proud of them for knowing how to do "basics before bonus." Kid wasn't mean about it or anything. Just stating kid's "willing and able."
You could start there. Do less stuff for people. Not because you don't love them or don't care about them. But because you have to care about you too. Do stuff in ORDER rather than cart before horse. If everyone did "Basics before bonus" then EVERYONE gets seen to. Rather than everything coming out of your hide all the time.
As for the marriage... wife wants to be with you both. So she's willing. She's got some ABLE stuff to clean up on her end. Like not making agreements she cannot keep and becoming more a person of her Word.
Are you willing to local poly? Because if you just don't want to be doing it? Not a joyous yes? Stop participating. You are in charge of your consent to participate in things.
If you ARE willing... are you also able or can become able with some work? Because if you are just not able, accept it. Spare yourself the grief. I might be willing to fly, but I know am not able. So I don't go jumping off my roof flapping my arms. YKWIM?
If you are not used to thinking about yourself? Not used to doing introspection? Don't really know yourself or your current values? Have a hard time articulating? You might want to see a counselor to help you learn to articulate/communicate and sort your thoughts out.
In the meanwhile at home? Basics before bonus. Start there.
I think every couple figures our for themselves where the TMI line is for the topic at hand. WHO needs to know WHAT.
I wish I could think of a better "neutral" example.
But take diarrhea. I can tell my kids that I have the runs, and my stomach feels bad, so no. We are not going theme parking. That's enough info for them to understand why the weekend plans have changed and have to reschedule.
My spouse would get that level plus a bit more -- like add extra TP to the shopping list or pick up easy to eat food like crackers or get meds or whatever since he's the one who does the house shopping. He needs more data than the children.
But kids and spouse don't need to hear me describe each trip to the bathroom in detail as to color, consistency, frequency, etc. That's TMI for them. Only my doc would need to know that information at that level of detail so they can figure out what to do for me or what might be causing it if it persists.
Telling my kids and spouse that stuff would be oversharing data.
Each person? There's a difference between the amount of data they need to know, amount of data they want to know, and amount of data they have to know (whether they want to know it or not) to be able to do a job.
So... I think each couple that is having a conversation needs to figure out their TMI lines. Each couple having the conversation may draw the line in different spots depending on the topic.
This may also include WHERE the data is shared (in private vs in public), WHEN it is shared (How often? What is checking in too much or too little?), HOW it is shared (verbally, over text, email, etc) and other communication related bits.
Should you stay…
- You and the other person very much want to be in the relationship you're in together
- Most of the relationship makes everyone in it happy most of the time
- You and the other person are getting most of what each of you wants and needs
- You look forward to seeing each other, share a lot of laughter and joy, and find the relationship makes you feel good about yourself
- Both of you feel the give-and-take is mutual
- Communication is open and works well
- The relationship is and has been physically and emotionally healthy and safe for everyone
- Everyone in the relationship is, or at least seems, very invested in it
- You and the other person have more good things to say about each other, and things you like about each other, than criticisms or things you dislike
- You resolve conflict well together
- The relationship feels like a place where everyone can be themselves, be challenged and grow in positive ways, and is accepted, cared for and supported
- You or the other person don't feel done
…or should you go?
- You or the other person don't really want to be in the relationship anymore or feel apathetic about it
- The relationship makes anyone in it unhappy a lot of the time
- You or the other person are not getting most of what you want or need
- Seeing each other isn't something one or both of you looks forward to anymore, there's little laughter or joy, and one or both of you finds the relationship makes you feel bad about yourself
- You or the other person feels like they give way more than they get
- Communication has broken down, stopped or feels impossible
- The relationship is or has been physically or emotionally unhealthy or unsafe for anyone in it
- Anyone in the relationship isn't or doesn't seem invested in it
- You and the other person have more bad things to say about each other, and things you dislike about each other, than good things or things you like
- You don't resolve conflict well together or feel only one of you is trying to fix things
- The relationship feels like a place where someone wants to change the other, where positive challenges and growth have stopped happening or never happened, and/or one or both people aren't being accepting, caring or supportive
- You're only or mostly staying in it out of guilt
- You or the other person feels done
Still not sure if you should stay or go?
- Is this the right relationship for you in your life now, or was it only right in the past?
- Are you staying in because this feels good, or because this feels familiar?
- Are you afraid of change in your life or of being alone or single? Is this relationship keeping you from needed change or growth?
- Do you feel like letting go means you failed? Are you staying to try and prove something to yourself or someone else?
- Are you staying because you feel guilty about having been sexual in something other than a lifelong relationship?
- Are you choosing to stay because you've become a partner's caretaker or counselor rather than their partner?
- Are you staying because any relationship seems better than no relationship, or because you're afraid this is the only chance you'll have for this kind of relationship?
- Are you staying because it's what the other person wants or says they need, even if it's not what you want and need?
- Are you staying because you made some kind of promise that you know you can't keep or don't want to, but feel guilty about breaking?
- Are you staying in figuring you'll just wait and see if something better comes along, and stay if it doesn't?
INTERPERSONAL ETHICS FOR INDIVIDUALS
- Address issue(s) right away so they do not continue to build and result in problems in other areas.
- Issues between two people should be handled directly and privately first and not in group. (aka: sucking others into the drama-fest)
- Trust in the process that addressing conflict can result in strengthening relationships. (And agree on conflict resolution method.)
- Be willing to address conflict even though it is difficult.
- Identify a mutually agreed upon time and place to meet.
- Find a private setting that is not likely to be interrupted.
- Offer and receive feedback from a professional/situational perspective to avoid making the conversation personal.
- Express oneself genuinely.
- Allow others to finish before speaking.
- Stay on track with the issue at hand and do not sidetrack into other issues.
- Focus on behaviors and concrete situations.
- Avoid terms such as “always” or “never.”
- Be respectful of others’ ideas and opinions even though we may not agree with them.
- Be willing to be vulnerable and accept feedback about our behavior.
- Be willing to examine “what’s me?” and “what’s you?”
- Recognize the way we impact others even if it does not match our intent.
- Ask directly about others’ intent rather than making assumptions.
- Make requests rather than demands.
- Have ideas about how to make things better or move forward rather than offering criticism and remaining stuck.
- Be responsible and accountable for the changes you agree to make.
- Set a time to check in to see how the agreed upon change(s) are or are not working.
- Agree to re-negotiate a solution.
- Speak for yourself (“I statements”) and your experience and avoid representing the perspectives of others; avoid stating that “others share my concern” as it creates paranoia and mistrust.
- Invite a third party like a counselor to consult or facilitate if required.
INTERPERSONAL ETHICS FOR GROUPS
- Commitment that all persons will communicate in a way so that everyone can be a part of the conversation and this is seen as a priority. (Avoids triangulation, exclusion, people not having a voice in things that affect them)
- Let go of the way things used to be and look for solutions to make things better.
- ￼Take responsibility for oneself to actively care about colleagues regardless of what is interpreted as their own agendas.
- Desire to share perspectives about other areas of practice without feeling like those in that area of practice will be resentful.
- Notify people ahead of time if difficult issues will be discussed; time is needed to prepare thoughts. (No "bombs from the sky")
- Engage in small group discussions that lead to larger group sharing so opportunities exist to know others on a more personal level.
- Everyone in the room needs an equal voice no matter what role they play.
- Focus on what we have in common rather than what is different between us
- Avoid “us versus them” perspective
- Regulate the flow of conversation so the same people are not the only ones talking and being heard.
- Allow people to comment once on an issue so a few people are not monopolizing.
- Allow time for those who take longer to process to have time to speak.
- Recognize when people hold up their hand for a turn to talk.
- Everyone has the right to remain silent if needed.
- If a comment is made in meeting and others disagree, the disagreement needs to be stated directly to the person in the meeting or after; fear that others will talk about you behind your back makes it feel unsafe.
- Leave the debate in the room when it is over and pick it up next time. (some problems are not solved in one sitting)
- Express thoughts and feelings without fear of criticism.
- Speak honestly without fear of either direct or indirect punishment.
- Speak honestly without fear of being "told on"
- Need to be acknowledged for our input, especially when we take risks to share honestly.
- If we address an issue, it does not get to be brought up and re-hashed over and over again.
With the Enterprise in imminent danger of destruction, Spock enters a highly radioactive chamber in order to fix the ship’s drive so the crew can escape danger. Spock quickly perishes, and, with his final breaths, says to Kirk, “Don’t grieve, Admiral. It is logical. The needs of the many outweigh . . .” Kirk finishes for him, “The needs of the few.” Spock replies, “Or the one.”