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icesong

Moderator
It was late at night so no deep talk about the article. But I have to ask him later what brought all that on. I could be wrong... but it was almost like he was having a hard time imagining what it must be like to NOT have these things in place -- consent, communication, comfort.
Honestly there's a lot of situations I read about here and in other poly groups (on FB mostly) or even people I know where I'm like... wait, you two don't talk to each other, and I'm not even sure from how you two talk ABOUT each other that you're even friends let alone in love. Why are you married again?
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
TIDBITS TO SAVE

Busy. Checked on elders and took them some cake. They are doing mostly fine. Mom has some doc appointments I'm concerned about but no point in letting concern become worrying til results are in and there's actually something to worry about. So I'm in this limbo space on that.

My aunt is dealing with a COVID outbreak in her apartment building. Concerned for her.

Haven't called friend elder in a while so need to do that and check on her.

Still doing self quarantine and making the best of it at our household.

Youngest DD is what? 6 weeks post break up or so? She's doing fine. Busy with school, chatting with her friends, doing her hobbies. She and I are both surprised at how fast/smooth the healing time was on that one. She's pissed her teacher lost an assignment she already turned in. Now she has to do it again. I told her to scan her work moving forward if this teacher is kinda loosey goosey. It takes just a minute to do that for back up. But if that's the worst of it? Things are fine.

I remember sending DD this at some point.


But I wanted to copy the questions here.

Should you stay…​

  • You and the other person very much want to be in the relationship you're in together
  • Most of the relationship makes everyone in it happy most of the time
  • You and the other person are getting most of what each of you wants and needs
  • You look forward to seeing each other, share a lot of laughter and joy, and find the relationship makes you feel good about yourself
  • Both of you feel the give-and-take is mutual
  • Communication is open and works well
  • The relationship is and has been physically and emotionally healthy and safe for everyone
  • Everyone in the relationship is, or at least seems, very invested in it
  • You and the other person have more good things to say about each other, and things you like about each other, than criticisms or things you dislike
  • You resolve conflict well together
  • The relationship feels like a place where everyone can be themselves, be challenged and grow in positive ways, and is accepted, cared for and supported
  • You or the other person don't feel done

…or should you go?​

  • You or the other person don't really want to be in the relationship anymore or feel apathetic about it
  • The relationship makes anyone in it unhappy a lot of the time
  • You or the other person are not getting most of what you want or need
  • Seeing each other isn't something one or both of you looks forward to anymore, there's little laughter or joy, and one or both of you finds the relationship makes you feel bad about yourself
  • You or the other person feels like they give way more than they get
  • Communication has broken down, stopped or feels impossible
  • The relationship is or has been physically or emotionally unhealthy or unsafe for anyone in it
  • Anyone in the relationship isn't or doesn't seem invested in it
  • You and the other person have more bad things to say about each other, and things you dislike about each other, than good things or things you like
  • You don't resolve conflict well together or feel only one of you is trying to fix things
  • The relationship feels like a place where someone wants to change the other, where positive challenges and growth have stopped happening or never happened, and/or one or both people aren't being accepting, caring or supportive
  • You're only or mostly staying in it out of guilt
  • You or the other person feels done

…still not sure?​

  • Is this the right relationship for you in your life now, or was it only right in the past?
  • Are you staying in because this feels good, or because this feels familiar?
  • Are you afraid of change in your life or of being alone or single? Is this relationship keeping you from needed change or growth?
  • Do you feel like letting go means you failed? Are you staying to try and prove something to yourself or someone else?
  • Are you staying because you feel guilty about having been sexual in something other than a lifelong relationship?
  • Are you choosing to stay because you've become a partner's caretaker or counselor rather than their partner?
  • Are you staying because any relationship seems better than no relationship, or because you're afraid this is the only chance you'll have for this kind of relationship?
  • Are you staying because it's what the other person wants or says they need, even if it's not what you want and need?
  • Are you staying because you made some kind of promise that you know you can't keep or don't want to, but feel guilty about breaking?
  • Are you staying in figuring you'll just wait and see if something better comes along, and stay if it doesn't?

A friend of mine who left her abusive husband and is raising 3 kids on her own now posted links to Sara Kuburic pinterest and instagram. It was interesting to skim through. These popped out at me so I saved them to give to DD when she's ready to date again.

Relationship Green Flags
  • They apologize when they are wrong
  • Their words and behavior align
  • They encourage your connection with others (friends, family)
  • The speak about their ex-partners with respect
  • The communicate clearly and honestly
  • They set, honor, and respect boundaries
  • They show up authentically and offer you space to do the same
  • The are intentional about resolving conflict
  • They are actively working on growth and healing
  • They share compatible goals for the relationship
  • They make you feel seen, heard, and appreciated

Relationship Red Flags
  • Refuses to apologize
  • Inconsistency between words and behaviors
  • Often talks about themselves and rarely shows interest in others
  • Unpredictable and/or inconsistent
  • Drives a wedge between you and your support systems
  • Speaks poorly of all their former partners
  • Takes on your emotions as their own
  • Makes belittling comments or passive aggressive jokes
  • Places unrealistic expectations on you or the relationship
  • Violates your boundaries

I have some minor quibbles with some of the phrasing but agree with the overall thrust.

One has to develop their own personal standard for what they will and will not put up with from people.

Galagirl
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
SURPRISED AT BREAK UP VIDEO DIARY

So it's not quite 3 months since youngest DD broke up with boyfriend.

I was surprised when she just up and decided to show me and her dad this video movie she made. She'd been keeping a vlog thing on her phone talking about the break up. She started it the day of, and kept it up daily and it dwindled to weekly and she did the last entry and recut the movie to hit the highlights.

She said she did it because she wanted to hear herself talking, see her face, her body... all the changes as she healed. So she could SEE the progress to reassure herself. And now she has this thing to look at when she breaks up again for self care -- what worked post break up? What didn't? So the next one can be smoother.

I never would have though to do that way. I'm more of a written journal person. But good for her. Figuring out what works for her.

DH and I still keeping the door open if she needs to talk more about it but really she's doing fine. We tried not to make a big deal about it around her when she showed it to us but later that weekend in the car during errands when it was just us? It was still like "Wow! She just up and decided to share something so personal/private with us. Like "Hey, want to see my breakup blog?" I never would have done that with my own parents!" for both of us.

I will repeat what I wrote before.

Some parents get SO hung up and don't even do the basic sex ed talks with their children. Much less the extra issues that come with LGBTQ+ or polyamory or BDSM or...

Just because the parents aren't talking to them about it, doesn't mean it is not happening to their kids.

I do sometimes what happened to her exBF and the potential Apple? Did they get together in the end after kid and exBF broke up? Move on to trying some kind of teen poly thing with a different partner who WAS up for that poly V?

I guess I'll never know. However it pans out for those other kids, I hope things go well enough. Those early dating experiences help people figure themselves out.

Glad the experience for my kid went well enough all things considered.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
MORE DD STUFF

DD felt like talking last night and here comes more about the break up story and some clarification.

She says she's gained some things in hindsight.

That it wasn't so much being asked to consider a poly V that bothered her. And who knows? In time when she has less going on, she'd consider participating in one. She just doesn't want one NOW -- she has too much going on to deal in that. Her problem was BF dragging things out and not being up front with her from the beginning.

(That apple did not fall far from the tree. Those things piss me off too.)

BF was sitting on their Apple crush for a long time and didn't want to ask DD about a poly V thing even after Apple asked them out and said they are fine with a V. So this dragged on and on before FINALLY he came out with what was on his mind. But in the meanwhile he was acting weird and not explaining why so that behavior was driving DD up the wall.

BF said he didn't want to say from fear of DD breaking up with him.

Which to both DD and myself -- it's stupid. This is dating. Breaking up is part of the package. Some of the people one dates are just not gonna line up. Doesn't mean either is horrible people. But it just doesn't line up. What is one to do? Go around with a string of people they don't really get along with or have things in common with just from fear of a break up? Like it's just impossible to shake hands and go "Thanks. I enjoyed getting to know you. I'm sorry it doesn't quite line up for more so we have to part ways. It's a bummer. I wish you well in your future endeavors and hope you find a better match than me."

So then DD got mad like -- "Why not just TELL ME? Why are you wasting my time dragging out? Could have broken up sooner then."

And the BF went into witterspace of "See!? I knew you'd get mad about poly and break up!"

And she was "Can you not tell the difference? I am not mad about THAT -- you asking to poly. I am mad about THIS -- the witholding and you being weird for so long not telling me what's going on even when I ask you directly."

But nope. She could not have a that conversation and have her upset feelings validated because BF was too busy wittering their anxiety -- he'd been gunnysacking and holding things in and here it all came spilling out in a mess.

Rather than BF owning it and apologizing like "Yes. You cannot be a mind reader. You did your end of the job and were asking what is going on. I did not do my end of the job. I'm sorry I was not more forthcoming."

DD admits to doing her own dragging out. Even though she came to realize this just wasn't the right fit because of the dragging out and lack of forthrightness thing bothering her? Pandemic hit and they both hung on to each other from familiarity more than anything else. Hit the snooze tag on breaking up. Put up with some behaviors he doesn't like putting up with. So it dragged on for several more months than it really needed to.

I keep telling her break ups need to be polite, fast, and clean. Just end it. Then you cry with your family and friends and process and all that. But the actual break up? Polite, fast, and clean. No break up is FUN. But dragging it out just makes the ugh part of it longer. It's better to linger in the healing space.

I think now that she's gotten "first break up ever" over with, she REALLY gets it now.

I also told her to cut each of them a break -- they are teenagers. They are just learning how to date, they aren't gonna be perfect at it and all things considered even with the bumps? They did well, they learned some things about themselves and each other.

I think I did ok listening to DD and letting her express. But later? I was just shaking my head thinking "OMG, witterspace and gunnysack dumping. UGH!"

Galagirl
 
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