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GalaGirl

Well-known member
TRAITS FOR EMOTIONAL RESILIENCE

I just gone done with a tough work cycle. It was a mixed bag, but leaning toward positive. I had to dig deep into my well of patience though, and sometimes I could not hear/see/feel the positives very well from other cases.

I reached out to Rose and Athena who deal with other departments.

Rose makes me laugh because she just has NO fucks left to give. She was angry on my behalf at the stupid cases. And raged about "Where do these people think we are? On some other planet? We are in pandemic too. We have our own problems too. Yet we still keep helping/supporting/managing and being professional. Why do they bring us crap?"

So that validated my internal eye rolls when my people come at me all full of themselves. Which is what happens with patients. They cannot SEE beyond their own selves and I think right now everyone is a trauma patient. From what I read it's going to take 5-10 years to heal once pandemic is over. And it still ain't over.

Athena made me laugh. She is more charitable towards The People. She still has fucks left to give and tries to make space for the human condition. She told me she thinks because of all this work from home, they have forgotten how to PEOPLE. Like social skills have gone rusty, and people are just rough. So when they finally come out to talk to you, it's like you got hit by a truck or something because they are soooo rusty and rough. So that validated my feeling like "WTF? Some manners, please!"

I see people coping well. They do their jobs and they are polite and they thank me for helping them out or guiding or whatever. Which is nice. Who doesn't like being appreciated? It makes up for the middle-y and poor ones.

The middle-y ones I can tell are trying to be polite but they have concerns. I've had a couple come in here with work stuff. I ask what's going on and they are all apologetic the things are not getting done and they worry about getting them done on time. I see that they are welling up... I say a kind word and BOOM. Here come the tears because it's SO close to the surface.

Someone died from COVID. Someone is sick. Some other family doom or house doom that's got them distracted. So I comfort them and remind them they are doing their pandemic best at work, and at least they let me and other people KNOW what's going on with them. So after some comforting, we move on to making Plan B so they get some breathing room AND the project still move forward. Then they feel better, I know what's happening and can rearrange resources, life carries on right? Just a small bump. No skin off anyone's nose.

The other middle-y I've been having a lot of is the "teapot worriers." They are trying to do their work but are losing focus because they worry about this, and that. So I listen and try to reign them in to the top 3 worries that are actually HERE. Worry A, worry B, worry C. Like... relevant, could happening RIGHT NOW and affect the work. And not "chain reaction" worries. Because do I really have to worry about M, R, or Z worry? That's SO far down the chain... and we do have to turn in some things here. How about on this cycle we deal with ABC, turn some stuff in, get the lay of the land, and then take on worries DEF next if they actually still apply? Let's not make tempest in a teapot. Let's do one thing at a time, right? They usually calm down and reign it in.

The poor ones? Drive me CRAZY. I check in, they tell me it is fine. I check in, they tell me it is fine. I check in expecting things to be done now... SURPISE BOOM! DOOM! GLOOM!

They just fall apart. And I'm left wondering -- "So... why lie to me? Why not tell me 2 mos ago you are struggling so we can make a Plan B in time for Plan B to actually work? Instead kicking the can down the road? Is is vanity/false pride? Is it something else?"

And now? I can't do Plan B. Nor Plan C. Not enough time. Everyone has to be like crazy people and the project won't be as good because it's all rushing now. And NOBODY, including me, likes rushing around.

Fortunately for me, I can smell hinky brewing. So yeah, boom, doom, gloom. Do I love dealing with you and your whooshies? No. Do I have the sense to wear a life preserver around you because I sensed a storm coming? Yes. So YOUR crazy isn't gonna sink ME.

I'm going to have to have a word with some of those poor people. But they are still busy falling apart right now and nothing new will go in. I have to wait till ALL the bricks have come down. If I do it too soon they will go into the shame spiral of overwhelm and that just gets me more "useless worker" and does not get me back to "helpful worker."

Most of the time with these it's not having the sense to come in out of the rain and exercise their "No." Like "No. I am too full to take on new stuff." Just say NO from the start! Someone else can be assigned the thing and then you don't get overwhelmed because your pile is too big. Jeez.

Do you see me doing knitting club? No. Do you see me joining softball team? No. I have this much time and space for work, my family, my friends, my hobbies, my volunteering. Downshift some, people.

It's like poly people who go all kid in a candy store -- just because you can poly date doesn't mean you try to poly date the WHOLE WORLD. Manage your time and resources better. So you don't have to wig out because you are overtaxing your emotional resilience or spreading self too thin.

I learned a long time ago when I was single what my personal limits are. I have 4 significant slots. I could date 4 people at a time and manage to keep close connections. But then I had no slot open for emergencies. So I reduced to 3. Then I had no slots left for friends and then family who wanted more of my time. So I reduced to 2. And maybe... 2 with a comet relationship that's once in a while. I reflect on this now and I'm not sure what my slots are like at this stage of life. I'll have to figure that out.

But I do know that I still want partners with some emotional resilience. They can't be like the workers I support and manage. Some of them are doing fine, but ⅔ are middle-y or poor. And right now it's pandemic, but I would want to know a partner is SOLID and can deal with whatever weird Life might bring. Because I'm better off with zero new partners than tacking on some middle-y or poor. That's just sucking me dry. It's not adding anything of value to my life.

So if I had to list traits for emotional resilience that I appreciate? When I was younger I'd sum it up with "Don't be an emotional weenie!" If I had to spell it out?
  • Personal responsibility -- owning their stuff/doing their fair share
  • Time management / Ability to focus -- uses their time wisely and doesn't overschedule. Can pay attention to the task at hand.
  • Interconnectedness / interdependence / communication -- the understanding that you can do what you will. But if you are on a team, what you do/do not do can and does sometimes affects the other people for good or bad. They cannot be mind readers. You have to say what's going on. You fart in here? We all smell it whether you say it or not.
  • Perseverance -- can keep going in tough times with a calm attitude and not going all "woe is me" doom fiesta.
  • Stress management / self control / self regulation -- can deal with their own stress and emotions without acting out or whooshing it on to other people
  • Changing / adapting / flexible -- can cope with things changing without having a cow. They can adapt and be flexible when the unforseen happens
  • Problem solver / coping strategies -- doesn't sit around pointing fingers or blame shifting or just falling apart to pieces. Focuses on solving problems and finding solutions instead.
  • Sense of humor -- because that helps, but APPROPRIATE humor, and not like being a clown all the time.
  • Self aware/socially aware. OMG, the workers are only self aware and don't read the room or pick up the courtesy clue phone.
  • Sense of their own personal limitations, can say NO. Self explanatory.
  • Successful fails. Learn from mistakes. Then shake it off and move on.
Galagirl
 
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starlight1

Active member
  • Personal responsibility -- owning their stuff/doing their fair share
  • Time management / Ability to focus -- uses their time wisely and doesn't overschedule. Can pay attention to the task at hand.
  • Interconnectedness / interdependence / communication -- the understanding that you can do what you will. But if you are on a team, what you do/do not do can and does sometimes affects the other people for good or bad. They cannot be mind readers. You have to say what's going on. You fart in here? We all smell it whether you say it or not.
  • Perseverance -- can keep going in tough times with a calm attitude and not going all "woe is me" doom fiesta.
  • Stress management / self control / self regulation -- can deal with their own stress and emotions without acting out or whooshing it on to other people
  • Changing / adapting / flexible -- can cope with things changing without having a cow. They can adapt and be flexible when the unforseen happens
  • Problem solver / coping strategies -- doesn't sit around pointing fingers or blame shifting or just falling apart to pieces. Focuses on solving problems and finding solutions instead.
  • Sense of humor -- because that helps, but APPROPRIATE humor, and not like being a clown all the time.
  • Self aware/socially aware. OMG, the workers are only self aware and don't read the room or pick up the courtesy clue phone.
  • Sense of their own personal limitations, can say NO. Self explanatory.
  • Successful fails. Learn from mistakes. Then shake it off and move on.
Galagirl
That's a really good list for the future of deciding close friends and/or lovers, and those who don't make it past your outside circles. :) I hope you're able to find that in the future what you need. I think it will be harder (mostly) to find that in younger people because the whole point of life in my opinion is to learn all those wonderful traits; and some are more pre-disposed to having them in the first place. Some will fight with themselves their whole life to try to even meet half of them.

The worker people sound like they are workers for a reason- don't want to be responsible for themselves, nonetheless anyone else.
 
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