GalaGirl: Conversations Already in Progress.

[GalaGirl]

FRIENDS

Right now my grief management is about going slower and doing things I like and skipping things I don't.

Enjoyed attending drum circle class. My garden is also bringing me a lot of pleasure. Picked some peas, planted some tomato. Work is fine. Volunteering -- starting to think about summer break and mixing up where I spend my volunteer energy. Kinda wanting something NEW.

All the elders are in a state of holding. FIL continues in hospice. My dad continues to be in good dementia space for a given value of good. He forgets things but otherwise that good space before it gets hard again as the body begins to fall apart. Sleeping more. Flora? Had to keep her out of the desserts because she wanted to make off with too many donuts. Nothing horrible, but kinda like dealing with a small child greedy for sweets.

I think a lot of my friends are pandemic blues. I had gotten together with Rose and Babs and it was like Babs and I were working uphill to converse because Rose was like dead weight. She wanted to be there and she was trying but she was NOT her normal self.

Was finally going to go to 1:1 lunch with Rose... and then my car decided to get weird so I had to cancel and deal with it being in the shop. Sigh. Will try again. But trying to catch Rose is wearying at times. She's so workaholic and then admits to going hermit and loses social skills when out of balance.

I hermit too, but I'm trying to reach out and circulate to get back IN balance. My problem is finding out which friends are ok enough to do it with!

Have tentative plans for coffee with EarthMama. Been seeing her more lately and it's nice to pick up where we left off. She and I get along well, conversation is a two way street, it's fun, etc. The difficulties is schedules.

I did get to go to lunch with Daisy and catch up. I was pleasantly surprised that Daisy was able to 1:1 right off the bat. I'd gotten used to Daisy-pandemic-cabin-fever. Where I had to wait for the first hour for her to talk a mile a minute because she wasn't socializing enough before it could become a two way street. She's been getting out more and her return to better social wellness shows.

I heard Spark went to hospital. I replied with everyone else on her Facebook with the general "Hope you are feeling better!" but it's pro forma. Really I thought "OMG, again. This time actually USE it and get the help you need for your depression funk already." But I know there's a certain type of patient who refuses help.

There's been zero real interaction on that front. None in person since the big lunch blow up. I've been matching the energy level. She does some social media likes and sent a Xmas card. I try to find something on occassion amid her social media doom train to say something equally non-committal. Anyone who knows can totally recognize I'm doing medium chill. But after 8 mos of this I'm ready to power that down even further like I did with Leaf. Holiday cards only. Cuz I cannot hang around unmanaged patients.

Have more thoughts on all that but I need to work.

 

[GalaGirl]

NEW BOOK OUT

My fav ex Max told me he might be in town for work and if it comes to pass he'll let me know. When I told DH, he cheerfully "Oh, that would be fun for you! Whatever you need, hon." Like ready to do whatever -- come along, stay home and deal with elders, etc. Pleasant, easy conversation with both.

Kathy Labriola came out with a new polyamory book in Dec 2022 called "Polyamorous Elders: Aging in Open Relationships (Diverse Sexualities, Genders, and Relationships)."

"This book explores the unique group of elders, ages fifty-five and older, who practice some form of consensual nonmonogamy. It covers both the joys and challenges of multiple relationships for elders and explores how their relationships develop and evolve. Polyamorous elders have the complexities of juggling multiple relationships, as well as navigating all the issues of aging: managing medical conditions and disabilities (their own and/or their partners’); assuming caregiving responsibilities for aging relatives; grieving the deaths of parents, siblings, and partners; retiring from careers and starting new lives; and potentially moving into some form of senior living."

Def needed resource to help cover the poly life span. But I started to laugh even as I bookmarked it so I can eventually read it. That elder thing really becomes a big feature in midlife. And the best thing I can do is to deal with myself and DH so the kids get more SPACE to just be their own adult selves without having so much time in the "sandwich years" like I have been. Finishing raising kids with one hand while dealing with elders with the others. I'm like at half nest here -- living with a college roomie who largely deals with themselves.

I took Earth Mama to dinner for almost 3 hours this week so she could air out with all the stuff going on with her. She thanked me several times already. Nothing fancy -- 24 hour diner so we could squish it in with the wacky schedules wherever. It wasn't about the food. It was about making space.

EarthMama and I caught up on the elders, work, the college kids, hobbies, the news -- also pleasant conversation. Some cousin was calling her to complain about choices with eldercare. While I didn't know the cousin, I said "Ok, cousin. Come over here then and do this eldercare work yourself. Is that where you are at?"

EarthMama started to laugh and exclaims "OMG, YES!"

Everyone wants to tell you from the side how you are doing it wrong, aren't doing enough, would do it different. Rarely do people ask how the caregiver is, airs THEM out, what they might need for support.

During the visit she told me she feels bad but she's feeling like "OMG, how long can these elders go? What about these young adults?"

One moved out. So she was at half nest. Then back to full nest because they came back. Now about to go half nest again only with a different one of them moving out. I left for college and never came back. I suspect with today's economy it's gonna be different. Young adults might have to ping pong a bit before REALLY getting out on their own. The price of renting a flat is nuts.

I told her not to feel bad for having honest feelings. It's a normal stage to get to both with the parenting and the elders.

I'm there myself with mine. Not wishing anyone ill, but really hoping death comes soon for the remaining elders on the brink of it so they can have release/peace. And so can the relatives. Not like a dragging out thing.

And for these young people? Love ya, but move out! I am very, very, very ready to be just be me and DH again and not providing care somewhere. DH and I were chatting about retirement and it's like... what would we DO? It would be so weird to have all this time again. It's exciting to think about!

 

[GalaGirl]

TEXT BREAKUPS AND OTHER PARTINGS

EarthMama wants to get together next week to air out. She's got a lot going on and I don't share other people's stories. But for some minimal context -- she was at a funeral where one person in a poly V passed.

The last time one of our poly friends had something like that going on was 20 years ago. It was from a car accident. That? It can happen to anyone any time any age.

Now? We are all into middle age and here it comes. Not from accidents, but from health things. And eventually... just from age and being old. Nobody is immortal.

Our parents are going, one by one. From health things or age. Only natural that death will start appear on our generation level too. But sigh. These first ones. It is rough.

I see younger poly people fretting about problems like break ups. And they get so upset about breaking up over text when it's like... what else do you want? Did you actually talk it out ahead of time for preferences on how to end things end or are you expecting some mind reader-ing here? And getting all in a humph because your feelings are hurt?

If it was a respectful text? Isn't that enough? People do not do hand written letters any more. Or email even. And the breaker upper? Sometimes is struggling not to cry, not to drag out, trying to be decent. So they might not have the bandwidth for in person, video call, or phone call because they are trying to just get through it and not be a blubbering mess.

I'd take a polite text break up. It's respectful enough and I do not think people "owe me" more.

It's nice when break ups can be mutual, if people want to and can have in person conversations to process.

But am I OWED that? No. I am not. I'd like basic polite. And polite text? That's good enough to me.

I can process a parting alone or with other people. The ex is NOT obligated to be that processing helper person for me any more. They have their own processing to do. And sometimes trying to process together actually HINDERS healing, tempts people into dragging out a break up thing, etc.

When you get to partings like these -- dying from car accidents, health issues, old age? Person might not even GET the time to text you because they did not expect to die in their sleep.

The remaining people just... get to deal with the death parting however it happened.

Puts that text thing into perspective.

I'm feeling my age today, man.

Anyway... yeah. Will go support EarthMama since she's back from supporting others and needs to decompress herself now. I could use the airing out myself.

And strangely, I want to shop for new summer clothes. Or maybe not so strange. I want bright colors, comfortable things to wear. I'll ask her what she wants to do and if she wants to take in some shopping as part of it.