Hi all,
I'm looking for some advice on getting through a specific period in opening a relationship: Starting the sex part.
Just as a summary, my partner R came out as poly, we went through a period of poly hell, I got a lot of support on this forum. We're now in couples therapy with a poly-friendly (and mono-friendly) therapist. R has a new partner, F.
So we're negotiating when "we" are ready for them to start a sexual relationship. And I say when "we" are ready, meaning both "when will I be ready" and "when will we be ready as a couple." They, suffice it to say, are ready already. We'll be talking about this with our therapist, but I thought I'd enlist the wisdom of the forum about how to process this next step.
So far we have dealt with the STI discussion and have come to an agreement about what safer sex would look like. I have begun exploring relationships on my own, although realistically (barring any miracles) it's not likely I'll be in a situation to be sexual with anyone else for a few months. I am feeling pretty okay about moving forward. We've made a lot of progress since the fall. If I had a partner of my own I think I'd be feeling even better, but I've decided that I don't want to drag things out unnecessarily, for R's sake. We might be at the stage where a "rip the bandaid" moment is needed, so we can just move on.
I am not sure if I'm thinking about all the potentialities. But presumably I say, "You're good to go." Then what? I guess they plan a date. She'll go over to his house. What should I do in the meantime? Watch a really good movie? Get drunk? Get stoned? Have a friend come over to hang out? (we have kids so my options are limited) Meditate? Chat online with a friend?
Should we agree to have her come home early enough that night so we can process/reconnect? Or should I just go to bed and wait until the next day to reconnect? Should we make sure it's a Saturday night so we can reconnect on Sunday, rather than go off to work? Or maybe an afternoon in the week?
And most importantly, am I overthinking this?? Or underthinking it?
I know everyone's situations differ, but if you have any ideas about the best strategies for maintaining my mental health during the this adjustment period, and reconnecting afterwards, I would greatly appreciate them. Thanks!
-Arc
I'm looking for some advice on getting through a specific period in opening a relationship: Starting the sex part.
Just as a summary, my partner R came out as poly, we went through a period of poly hell, I got a lot of support on this forum. We're now in couples therapy with a poly-friendly (and mono-friendly) therapist. R has a new partner, F.
So we're negotiating when "we" are ready for them to start a sexual relationship. And I say when "we" are ready, meaning both "when will I be ready" and "when will we be ready as a couple." They, suffice it to say, are ready already. We'll be talking about this with our therapist, but I thought I'd enlist the wisdom of the forum about how to process this next step.
So far we have dealt with the STI discussion and have come to an agreement about what safer sex would look like. I have begun exploring relationships on my own, although realistically (barring any miracles) it's not likely I'll be in a situation to be sexual with anyone else for a few months. I am feeling pretty okay about moving forward. We've made a lot of progress since the fall. If I had a partner of my own I think I'd be feeling even better, but I've decided that I don't want to drag things out unnecessarily, for R's sake. We might be at the stage where a "rip the bandaid" moment is needed, so we can just move on.
I am not sure if I'm thinking about all the potentialities. But presumably I say, "You're good to go." Then what? I guess they plan a date. She'll go over to his house. What should I do in the meantime? Watch a really good movie? Get drunk? Get stoned? Have a friend come over to hang out? (we have kids so my options are limited) Meditate? Chat online with a friend?
Should we agree to have her come home early enough that night so we can process/reconnect? Or should I just go to bed and wait until the next day to reconnect? Should we make sure it's a Saturday night so we can reconnect on Sunday, rather than go off to work? Or maybe an afternoon in the week?
And most importantly, am I overthinking this?? Or underthinking it?
I know everyone's situations differ, but if you have any ideas about the best strategies for maintaining my mental health during the this adjustment period, and reconnecting afterwards, I would greatly appreciate them. Thanks!
-Arc