hello from a hesitant polyam in Kentucky

[mrd6582]

good afternoon everyone. first time posting here.

i'm a 40-something poly fella who was monogamous until just a few years ago. finding polyamory felt like the key to some kind of happiness for the back 9 of my life following a divorce. my first poly relationship was perfectly lovely until it fell apart. i've really only dated casually since then, until recently, when i started seeing someone a couple of months ago.

what i'm finding recently is that i feel like i'm giving a lot but not getting much from being polyamorous. not because of anyone's shortcomings--i have very little to say negatively regarding anyone i've dated--but because of maybe how i interact socially, or because of how the polyamory scene is locally, or maybe how it is for cis males generally. i feel like this may be a common experience for polyam guys, but i only have local experience so i'm not sure.

anyway, i've been really looking for community recently, and i hope to find it here. bless y'all.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings mrd6582,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Hopefully Polyamory.com will be a nurturing community for you, we are here to help. I feel bad that you have had to do more give than take when it comes to polyamory. It's true that men often find it harder to find willing partners than women, although that is a complex subject. Anyway, I hope you can make yourself at home in this website.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[Evie]

When you say you are giving a lot but not getting very much, can you clarify what you mean? It's a bit unclear. If you can let us know what's actually happening, perhaps we can lend some insight or even advice.

 

[mrd6582]

When you say you are giving a lot but not getting very much, can you clarify what you mean? It's a bit unclear. If you can let us know what's actually happening, perhaps we can lend some insight or even advice.

i've been polyamorous since early 2023, and in that time i've been in two relationships and also dated a fair bit.

in my first relationship, i always joked with my partner that she could get a date by walking out onto her front porch and whispering into the wind that she was available for the weekend, and if my life depended on finding a date by this time next month, i'd just start saying my goodbyes. it was a joke but also pretty much true. she didn't date a *ton* outside of our relationship, and her other partner, but she could pretty much find whatever she wanted whenever she wanted it. in the year and a half we were together, i went on about 3 dates, none of which went anywhere at the time (though a couple of them did turn into something later on, after that relationship was over).

my current relationship is very similar. i've been seeing a girl for about 6 weeks, and she's had...i guess 7 dates in that time, outside of me, and i've had one.

again, none of this is to slight either of these lovely women. there have been instances with both where i felt *slightly* manipulated to keep me from other opportunities, but as weird as it might sound to say, nothing that felt toxic--none of us are perfect, we're all capable of being a little territorial, and i haven't really felt with either person that they're being unfair. it's more about schedules and opportunity and that sort of thing.

however, the fact that no one is to blame doesn't make it any easier to take. if you see your partner's dance card constantly filling up while you sit on the sidelines, you start questioning the lifestyle pretty quickly, especially when it seems like the norm rather than an anomalous period.

 

[Evie]

Thanks for elaborating. So have I understood...? You see yourself "giving" your dating partner (and were "giving" your ex) time with other people but you aren't "getting" time with others yourself?

And this is largely around scheduling of time together when it comes to the giving? But around success in meeting new people to date when it comes to getting. So, apples and oranges.

Obviously, any partner isn't yours to "give" so I am expecting you mean that you are giving your time that you could see them away so they can schedule with someone else. Do you sacrifice your time like this a bit too much? Or were your expectations around poly dating a mismatch with hers in the first place? Do you seek a partner to fill your leisure time or do you have other personal hobbies and friend groups that you also spend time on or with?

What have you got going on outside of potential romantic relationships that's going to attract like minded women to want to date you? Because people with the fullest lives also tend to have the fullest dance cards

 

[mrd6582]

Thanks for elaborating. So have I understood...? You see yourself "giving" your dating partner (and were "giving" your ex) time with other people but you aren't "getting" time with others yourself?

i suppose that's accurate. i don't know that "giving" and "getting" are very good words here but they're the ones i chose so i'll roll with them, ha.

And this is largely around scheduling of time together when it comes to the giving? But around success in meeting new people to date when it comes to getting. So, apples and oranges.

here's where i guess the "giving and getting" language breaks down a little, because i'm not sure this is precisely how i feel. i think polyamory is a give and take, in that you're giving up something with your partner (time, experiences, whatever) and getting back essentially the same thing for yourself (i.e., opportunities to share those things with other people). that's not to say that allowing your partner freedom outside of your relationship isn't a positive thing on its own--compersion is very real--but if we're choosing, ourselves, to be polyamorous, part of what we want from that is to have our own experiences and connections. if it were *just* about allowing your partner the freedom to enjoy new experiences, you'd just choose to be monogamous with a polyamorous partner. i'm not sure if i'm explaining that very well but it's the best i have at the moment.

Obviously, any partner isn't yours to "give" so I am expecting you mean that you are giving your time that you could see them away so they can schedule with someone else. Do you sacrifice your time like this a bit too much? Or were your expectations around poly dating a mismatch with hers in the first place? Do you seek a partner to fill your leisure time or do you have other personal hobbies and friend groups that you also spend time on or with?

i think it's less about sacrificing my time with my partner, and more about feeling like i don't get the same thing back. in the beginning of my polamorous life, i still struggled with jealousy somewhat, but i found i moved past that pretty quickly. i don't want to monopolize a partner's time and i'm usually pretty happy to see them foster new connections. i just don't always feel like i'm getting that in return. partner is fine making the most of her free time when i'm not free, but when i am free, partner wants all of mine.

What have you got going on outside of potential romantic relationships that's going to attract like minded women to want to date you? Because people with the fullest lives also tend to have the fullest dance cards

nothing really, i'm afraid. i have a 7 year old daughter who monopolizes my time when she's with me (by my own enthusiastic choice), and on my own time, i go to the gym a lot, and i'm in a band. these have proven to be less than super social activities.

 

[Evie]

So partner wanting to monopolize all of your free time (and potentially using some level of disappointment if you try to say no to lightly manipulate you into giving her all that time) is a significant factor here.

Have you formulated a boundary in your own mind for what time you have and want to be available for dating her, and what time you want to keep for yourself, or are you getting a little extreme on the compromises and thus ending up with this growing sense of unfairness?

If you don't have a clear sense of your own boundaries, it can get pretty uncomfortable. It's also impossible to communicate them if you're not even quite sure what they are. So could you possibly start there, the carving out your own time wherein you can actively date others, or at least put yourself in new places (not the gym or with the band) that will allow you to meet new people? And she doesn't get to see you during that time regardless of her schedule.

 

[mrd6582]

Have you formulated a boundary in your own mind for what time you have and want to be available for dating her, and what time you want to keep for yourself, or are you getting a little extreme on the compromises and thus ending up with this growing sense of unfairness?

If you don't have a clear sense of your own boundaries, it can get pretty uncomfortable. It's also impossible to communicate them if you're not even quite sure what they are.

this hits the nail pretty squarely on the head i think. i'm not totally sure what my boundaries are yet.

first relationship is a hard comparison--we were long distance (~2 hour drive) for awhile, then life led us to the same town, so trying to figure out scheduling together was always just sort of its own adventure.

new relationship is more on point. i want to foster the connection, and i know that takes time. but i also need time to prioritize myself. the way our schedules work at the moment, she has a lot of free time during my work days, and takes advantage of it. as well she should. but then when i'm free, i feel like a real disappointment if i don't give her basically all of that time. there isn't much time where i'm free and she's not, where i can just do my own thing without feeling like i'm shortchanging her.

what this leads to, is feeling like things are developing at different rates. i feel like she's already a lot more invested in this connection than i am. that's partly because of all of the above, and partly because of other factors for both of us.

the bigger question, i suppose, is this: is it okay for things to be developing at different rates? in monogamous relationships that seems like a killer; you're the exclusive fulfiller of each others' romantic needs, and if the needs are imbalanced, it feels like a death knell.

but with polyamory i'm not sure. part of me says it's okay if i need 10 and she needs 30, because if 10 is all i can give, she can get 20 somewhere else. (let's just assume that we can describe this in numbers, for a moment.) another part of me says that if needs and expectations are imbalanced, you're still heading for disappointment. but maybe that's a lifetime of monogamy talking?

 

[Evie]

"where i can just do my own thing without feeling like i'm shortchanging her."

That's a tough one, but it really can only come from within you that you shift perspective on this and "date yourself first". If can't deal with that, then she's not a good fit for you.

As for her being a little more invested in being smitten for you right now, it can even out but not if you're eating a side serving of resentment that you've lost *all* your free time to investing in this relationship. If she's going to guilt trip you for not spending all your free time with her, then that's a red flag anyway.

She's poly, too, right? Is she seeing anyone else rn?

 

[mrd6582]

As for her being a little more invested in being smitten for you right now, it can even out but not if you're eating a side serving of resentment that you've lost *all* your free time to investing in this relationship.

Well said!

She's poly, too, right? Is she seeing anyone else rn?

She is. She has a girlfriend, a comet partner, and in the last couple weeks she's been seeing a guy likely to become something of another comet partner.

 

[Magdlyn]

So she's got four partners, and yet she wants all your free time, if she's free when you are. There is no rule that says you always have to be available for a partner (or any friend) when they have free time, and you do, as well. It's not a polyamory thing; it's just a relationship thing.

 

[mrd6582]

So she's got four partners, and yet she wants all your free time, if she's free when you are. There is no rule that says you always have to be available for a partner (or any friend) when they have free time, and you do, as well. It's not a polyamory thing; it's just a relationship thing.

i think you're right. i guess my fear is that if i set hard boundaries that fall short of what she wants, it'll end things, when maybe it's not that i'm not going to get there, just that i'm not there *yet*. there aren't many poly people in my area and i'm always paranoid about blowing it.

 

[Magdlyn]

i think you're right. i guess my fear is that if i set hard boundaries that fall short of what she wants, it'll end things, when maybe it's not that i'm not going to get there, just that i'm not there *yet*.

I don't understand. Where are you trying to get to?

there aren't many poly people in my area and i'm always paranoid about blowing it.

 

[mrd6582]

I don't understand. Where are you trying to get to?

to the place she seems to be in terms of what she wants from the relationship. right now i'd say i'm dating a girl i like, and would like to continue to see, and give things a chance to develop very slowly, to a point that i can't yet define. and it feels like she already sees me as her primary partner. i feel like she approaches me as one would approach a long term partner, and i'm not there yet.

the thing i'm still trying to navigate about polyamory is just how much of a problem it is (or isn't) when two people are wanting different levels of depth/commitment/etc from a relationship.

 

[Evie]

Pretty much the same problem as in monogamy, but with more moving parts. She (maybe?) wants you as primary but you're not sure you want that kind of commitment to her...age old story. How does poly change this? Well, you could be primary partners but since she's also dating others, you also date others. Issue is, she's got a lot of others but you, not so much. And while the "simple" solution is you go get others, too...also not so simple.

You're a self aware, articulate dude...not sure what the hold up is on the dating apps tbh. You write like a "catch". Be honest, do you need a really good barber?

 

[Evie]

" i feel like she approaches me as one would approach a long term partner, and i'm not there yet."

It's been just a couple of months and she's monopolizing your free time and you're "not really there yet."

Be honest with yourself...are you 'just not that into her'?

 

[mrd6582]

" i feel like she approaches me as one would approach a long term partner, and i'm not there yet."

It's been just a couple of months and she's monopolizing your free time and you're "not really there yet."

Be honest with yourself...are you 'just not that into her'?

it's possible. but i like her, and i enjoy our time together, so i hate to bail if all i need is more time. but i also hate to stick around if it's not going to click.

as far as my success on dating apps...i don't really get it. i'm a little socially awkward one on one (i think i'm a charming guy in groups, but i struggle more directly) and i guess that can carry over to dating apps. maybe i don't quite know how to present myself or something? i think i'm the kind of guy women would be interested in but i don't think women are seeing it.

 

[IndieSolo]

On those days that she knows you have free time and expects you to spend it with her, but you're not feeling like that's what you want, can't you simply say you're not available? You don't need to explain why you're not available, other than to say you need some "me time."

The thing is, while I was reading your posts, I kept wondering how and why, at this early stage of your relationship, she knows your schedule and believes she can insert herself into it whenever she wants. Again, this seems to be an issue around establishing your own personal boundaries.

It sounds like you need to get clear on how much of your free time you want to spend with her, carve out time for yourself, and let her know definitively when you are actually available and when you are not. Otherwise she will just keep on assuming that all your free time is for her. Whether it's poly or not, it is perfectly okay to tell someone that you need them to slow down and give you some space, especially at only six weeks into a relationship.

I'm curious - you wrote: "partner is fine making the most of her free time when i'm not free, but when i am free, partner wants all of mine." How exactly does she communicate that she wants all your free time? Does she do things like just showing up without a specific date having been set up beforehand? Does she always assume she can come over (or that you'll be going over to hers) on your days off without any notice or plans made in advance? Or is she making plans for the two of you without confirming or asking if that's what you want? And, if any of these scenarios ring true, what has kept you from speaking up and saying, "No, that doesn't work for me?"

.

 

[Magdlyn]

... What has kept you from speaking up and saying, "No, that doesn't work for me?"

Indie, I think he answered that upthread:

i think you're right. i guess my fear is that if i set hard boundaries that fall short of what she wants, it'll end things... there aren't many poly people in my area and i'm always paranoid about blowing it.

He doesn't want to "blow this." However, he wants to move more slowly. She wants to move up the escalator more quickly. And he is feeling scarcity. Like, she is one of the few poly women in his area, so he better do whatever she says, because if he doesn't, she'll dump him and he won't have anyone.

Personally, I'd rather be alone than try to date someone who isn't actually right for me.

But it doesn't have to be all or nothing. You offer what you can comfortably give. You negotiate and compromise. Like adults. If she refuses to compromise, just six weeks in, she's probably too needy and clingy, and not really that great of a potential gf.

Anecdote: my bf Aries was recently talking to someone for several months, and had only met her 2 or 3 times, and she told him she now wanted to see him twice a week, knowing he already has 2 serious gfs. He sees us both several times a month. Generally he sees me every weekend for an overnight or two, and he sees his other gf 3-4 times a month, as well. This new person wanted him to come see her twice during the week after work. Just when was Aries supposed to have time for the rest of his life, home/yard/auto maintenance, seeing platonic friends and family, practicing hobbies, doing laundry and grocery shopping, while also working full time?

Boundaries and limits are so important. And some limits are hard limits, while others are more flexible and can change.

 

[mrd6582]

The thing is, while I was reading your posts, I kept wondering how and why, at this early stage of your relationship, she knows your schedule and believes she can insert herself into it whenever she wants. Again, this seems to be an issue around establishing your own personal boundaries.

The short answer here is, we both have kids. I've found that if you don't compare kid schedules pretty much the moment you start developing any interest at all in someone, you might as well just move on, because if those schedules don't mesh, you're dead in the water.

I'm curious - you wrote: "partner is fine making the most of her free time when i'm not free, but when i am free, partner wants all of mine." How exactly does she communicate that she wants all your free time?

She texted the other day and said "I really don't like that I won't get to see you this week," and suggesting a lunch date or something. This is my busy week with my daughter, my free time is practically non existent. Next week will be lighter for both of us, but still there are only certain days we'll have mutual free time. She's not pushy in a "show up on your doorstep" sense, I guess she's just coming on too strong in general. Last weekend she asked if we could spend Friday night and Saturday night and all day Saturday together. No. I have shit to do.

...if any of these scenarios ring true, what has kept you from speaking up and saying, "No, that doesn't work for me?"

Mostly, I think at this stage I do want to devote a proper amount of time and focus to her. I don't want to create or foster unrealistic expectations (such is the dilemma, I suppose) but at the beginning of a relationship I think it's fair to give a little more, giving things a chance to develop, understanding you can settle into a more practical schedule after a little while.

I fear the writing is on the wall. Even if it wasn't a situation of her having time for everything she wants but not giving me the same luxury, it's still just too much too quickly for me. I hate that, because I do like her and would like to see what could happen here. It's just all a bit much right now.