Hello from Austria

charlie_jumper

New member
Hello i`m Charlie,


i`m from Austria 32 Years old since 12 years in a relationship and we have a 7 year old daughter.


I had always trouble with love. I didn`t wanted to have the same relationship issues with love that i saw in my family, friends or on the street.

So was hard working to not get fall in love with someone and i avoided people as much as possible.

Surely i felt in love as a teenager, we didn`t get close enough to have a relationship. it was a bit of an childish "first love" feeling but not serious and i avoided that we get closer (i wished we had got closer) - she and her Family moved away when she was 14 as i was 15 i got telled that she died because an overdose.

I was traumatized and never wanted to fall in Love, i sweared it to me.


In my circle of friends there are some girls i was very interrested in and they were my "heart people", people that are so close that i had the feeling i could fall in love emediatly after a bit of body and mind contact, so they were tabu to me.


Than i had a friend (Katrin) out of that circle of friends that i felt very very close, i lived in her home "on and off" (couchsurfing) and almost nothing happened, no kisses, nothing.

I felt very bad about it and it teared me appart, but we were very different people with totaly different ideas of life. I was very happy that i could avoid something seriously, but as odd as i was i seemed to be her closesd friend and more to her than her circle of friends that i didn`t fit.

I felt deeply in "pre-love" i would decribe it, was very difficult for me.....



Than as i was 21 i met my "wife".

We felt in Love, it seems that i felt in love a bit more than her.

She had a similar lifeexperiences than me, the same troubles in life, but she always had "partners".

In the first 2 years we weren`t a couple but it was somewhat of an "on off" relationship, because i was denied because of her Family and her (in my eyes also an narcisstic) ex-boyfriend (we call him Randy) and her circle of friends.

in the first 4 years she "cheated" me with about 15 people, i telled how i feel about love and that i think that if you fall in love with someone, you can`t get let that go as easily....

I told her that if she sees an ex-boyfriend of her after a few months, weeks or years, love will be as strong as before - that felt logical.


But i had very hard times if we got partying and she tried to deny to know me to get anyone else, she rant at me, pushed me away and seriously told people "that i have nothing to do with her"....

That got my heart broken many times...


In "off times" our relationships she had a "boyfriend" for 2 months that she cheated with me and some other guy.

That "boyfiriend" was officially introduced to her family, a thing that never happened to me at this point.


In that "off times" i had some girls at home after partying (i`m not a party people) and we came closer, but i felt very bad after. Itried to fall in love, but mostly i felt very odd and not good, because wanted to be with someone very close.


In a Time i felt very down i was at my close firends (Katrin) House and she wasn`t at home.

I felt very close and attracted to her Mother as well (she was about the same Age as my "wife" is now"), we got closer and had an "on off relationship" only for Sex, Drugs, Cuddeling and deep talks.

It felt very very good, but i felt very very very bad because of her daughter that i had deep feelings for.....


I got back with my "wife" and the Relationship i hat felt appart, i tried to avoid contact.

In the next years we had to take care of the ex-Boyfriend of my wife (Randy), she cheated with him regularly, he stoled her and mine Heroin od asked if he could take some, asked about money, he ranted about her behind her Back, called her ugly, called her a Slut.
But he was down with Life and the only thing he had was her.
I didn`t had a chance to say a word against him because he was like a holy angel to her....


After 4 Years of an insatable relationship, she got away from him and ranted over him, she said he was toxic and yaddayadda (the same old stuff) as in the Time i met her.
That was the Time i moved into my current Flat and i partyied with that one close friend (Katrin) that stayed a few weeks at my place because she didn`t felt very good because of her ex-Boyfriend and gereal troubles in her life.
On the last evening we got very close a few times that evening and i falled deeply in love, be did brake a barrier that we never should had brake....
I felt soooooo bad i was down and had really really bad "lovesickness" i thought it was a big mistake and in advantageof my wife, we broke up all of our Contact.
I deleted and blocked the Number and felt very very sick - after some Time she hated me deeply i think.
Then my current "wife" moved to my Home, we got clean (no drugs) and 2015 we got a daughter.
We were a happy Family for the most time and only had the usual up and downs.


Since about 2 years or so, she got Therapy because of her abusive narcisstic Mother and some other bad things that happened to her in her Childhood (i had therapy about 3 Times also) and came to the decision that she is a Poly, are able to fall in love with other people and want to have a girlfirend too.
I told her hat i had talks about that and that i had told her that i think all people have a tendence to be Poly if they are not super relegios and whatnot...
I told her that i feel the same and that if i had the chance to fall in love, i would love to get an girlfriend too. Baut on the other Side i always tried to avoid to fall in love.

If i fall in love i would give everything and i have serious doubts that i could be a good father or partner if i had a Girlfiriend that i care about.
If she would need me, i couln`t be there for my Family, also i would want to spend time with her and do Holidays and Weekends with her.
Also i would need to be there, not only in good times, i need to be ther also in bad times.
That would be very timeconsuming......
Also there ist that "honeymooning phase" where i would want to spend time with her as much as possible....


I think it would be very hard and as i hard as i wish to have a Girlfriend, i`m trained to avoid that situation, because Love also means trouble for me....
Also i`m very clumsy and can`t get a Girlfirend as easy, I`m overweight and an "Ex-polydrugaddict" i`m not a partypeople and i do not want a Girl from my circle of friends...

My Girlfiriend thinks that it would be easy, that she yould be there for me and the Family 100%, that she could sepperate her relationship with an other Girl, that i would be her Husband #1 for ever and ever and that i`m number one top priority, even if the other loved one has a hard Time (illness, death, lovetrouble,....)....
I think that that is hard Work and often not very easy.

I think if something happens, something happens, but if you force it, it will not bring benefits.

I have the feeling that she is texting with other people and will try to force to get other Prople into her life.

I really do not know how to deal with that situation.
On the one side i think i would get along with a Girlfriend of my wife if i did know her and would be a part of her life and meet some other people and friends.
If my Wife would deny me and i did not be a friend of her Girlfriend, i would have a seroius problem....
Also i would wish i would have the same, i wish i would have a Girlfriend to.
A Girl that i could talk about my troubles, share the Bed with and spend Time toghter....

I could not stand the thought that she has someone, coulnd`t be there for me if i need her and that i have noone...
Maybe that is selfish or jelous, but i think i couldn`t get along with that situation....



So now it is enough and i hope it was an understandable introduction.
My English is very bad.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
Your English is better than my German 🙂

So, have I understood the situation as summarised below?

After a party filled life, you and your "wife" are free from drugs and parents to a 7 year old.

You have been partners for 12 years and intend to stay together.

You have had many off times during your relationship during which you have both had sex with other people.

Now, your wife is wanting to try polyamory.

You like dating a variety of people but are reluctant to fall in love with others.

Currently she is talking about dating women.

You want to be able to be friends with any woman your wife dates (Kitchen table polyamory).

You would also like to date a different woman, but not from your friend circle. And not your wife's girlfriend.

You are concerned that your weight and past make you unattractive to new women you may meet.

So, if I have that right, I will be honest and say that there is no guarantee that you will meet someone new. And it would be unfair to hold your wife's love captive by your (in)ability to meet someone.

So, my advice is that until you can date someone else, take the equal time and money to spend on bettering yourself as a dating partner. Spend quality time with yourself; take yourself out to a movie, to a gallery, to a climbing gym or whatever takes your interest. Become interesting and women you meet will become interested in you.

I know it will be hard. My husband felt the same way when I met someone new first, but he kept his spirits up and met someone else less than a year later.

We have never found ourselves in a situation where we needed each other very badly but couldn't be there because of another partner. We deliberately make time to date each other, and to communicate our needs if we want to change any scheduling.

If you have a few euro to spend, I suggest talking to https://www.chillpolyamory.com/ in German (she is American but has lived in Germany for a while and I suspect she can speak German more than people I know here, or connect you with someone who can). She has tiktok and Instagram, too.
 
Last edited:

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Welcome. That was a very long story, but I am glad Evie helped to break it down!

Currently your "wife" says she is poly and wants a girlfriend. You believe you could love more than one, but you're aware of "new relationship energy" (NRE) and how it makes one obsessive about the new partner for a while. Also, you fear you wouldn't have time to be there for your wife or hypothetical gf if one of them had an emergency or serious problem. You also need to take your young daughter's needs into consideration.

It is true that having NRE can be difficult, even if one is not poly. It can make us forgetful of everything else in life besides spending time with the new and shiny person. Experienced polyamorists do their best to keep giving good time and energy to their current partner so that they don't feel neglected. If you can't do that, you are not cut out for ethical non-monogamy. It takes practice. If your wife neglects you while in NRE, just remind her that you need X amount of time and attention. Don't compare yourself to the new person, and get whiny saying, "But you spent X amount of days/hours with her this week, and I got less!" Just tell her, "I need X amount of your time. Let's negotiate how many days a week you spend with each of us, either in person, or texting/phone calls."

As for emergencies and life issues like illness, accidents, a death in the family, a move, a job loss, etc., you can make it understood with both partners that you will spend more time with the person who needs it the most. Sometimes a partner will exaggerate their idea of an "emergency" just to get more time/attention, so watch out for that.

I've been practicing polyamory since 1999 and I have not had trouble prioritizing the needs of my partners. You just take things as they come, practice compassion and balance things out. I do recall one newer bf I had who objected to me leaving a date earlier than expected because my primary partner had just unexpectedly lost her job. I understood he was upset, but I stood my ground. He was new to poly and probably didn't understand how sometimes you need to be patient and wait your turn!

As for combining polyamory with children, I am a firm believer that kids come first. Any new partner will have to understand you're a dad first. And if she has a kid/kids, the same holds true, especially if kids are very young. Personally, I did not start practicing poly until my kids were mid to late teenagers, but plenty of others have done it with younger kids.
 

charlie_jumper

New member
After a party filled life, you and your "wife" are free from drugs and parents to a 7 year old.
Yes, sehe loves partying, but she complains how sehe hates People (society) as much as i do.
She says that she has to get Drunk to visits Conserts and other stuff.
She Always told me she can have fun without alcohol, but the reallity Shows that ist not quite true.
I'm a bit of an Misanthrop and only Like or Love People that i really like, but i hate most of the People, so i can't stay Partys.
I'm more of an "stay at Home with good friends kind of Guy".
I enjoyed Partys at Home and more of "slow" fun with less People.
I was Always very spiritual in my youth.
We we're both on Drugs all of pure Youth.

When we both got partying she often denyed me, fooled around with random People and tried to kiss random People and choose the one that would bei the most attractive for the nicht.
She often feels very close very fast.
E.g. "you we're Born in the 80s? Wow! I also was Born in the 80s!"
"You Like Metallica? Wow!..."
"You Like Art? Wow! ..."
"You Like Polly Pocket? Wow!..."
She ist very good in take the Attention and feel Close to someone

I do not feel so close so fast to Others.
And i avoid most of the people and hate flat conversatiins. But there are encounters where both feel the attachment instantly.

I quitted Drugs and so did she after a bit.
As we were Clean we got pragnant.


You want to be able to be friends with any woman your wife dates (Kitchen table polyamory).

Yes, but the perfect Match would bei a Girl we can both Love, but that ist only a Fantasy.


So, my advice is that until you can date someone else, take the equal time and money to spend on bettering yourself as a dating partner. Spend quality time with yourself; take yourself out to a movie, to a gallery, to a climbing gym or whatever takes your interest. Become interesting and women you meet will become interested in you.
That ist a good Point.
I have to work a bit on myself.
Selfcare ist Something i never used to practice.
I always wanted to so not exist at all and felt good when i was there for others.
That ist one reason for avoiding relationships....



You have had many off times during your relationship during which you have both had sex
Yes, she did that more than me.
I just wasn't very successful and after Sex with random People i offen felt bad....
There we're only a few Girls that felt right.
The ones that leave a good Feeling were friends before.
Random Girls mostly didn't felt right and it was akward to Encounter them again....

But my "wife" also told me that she often felt bad and hate herself after sexual encounters and wanted to kill herself.

As for emergencies and life issues like illness, accidents, a death in the family, a move, a job loss, etc., you can make it understood with both partners that you will spend more time with the person who needs it the most.
I did lost my Job 2 weeks ago and turned Info an unloveable attentionwhore in that Time.
I needed Talks and Cuddles, but my behavior was unbarable, so we get more and more seperated.
I asked a Lot about her Therapy and she wouldn't want top Talk about it a lot.
She said that she wants to seperate her therapy and her homelife.
I was a bit nerve bending.....


Currently your "wife" says she is poly and wants a girlfriend. You believe you could love more than one, but you're aware of "new relationship energy" (NRE) and how it makes one obsessive about the new partner for a while.
I'm very aware of that.
She says that Something like that would never happen.
But maybe i just die not have the competence for that.....




PS:
I wrote from my Smartphone and there is a german Autocorrect active.......
It is horrible :D
I have to correct every word 3 times.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings Charlie,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You seem to be saying that polyamory is a nice fantasy, but it doesn't work in reality because there isn't enough time and attention in one person to fill the needs of multiple people. However, your "wife" believes that she does have enough time and attention in her to fill the needs of multiple people. So she wants to practice polyamory, whereas you wish she wouldn't do that. The two of you are at an impasse, one of you will "win." You will win if she refrains from practicing poly because you ask her to; she will win if she goes against your wishes and practices poly. I don't see how both of you can win in this situation. Of course, there is always the scenario where the two of you "divorce" (split up). Then you'll both lose at first, until she finds a polyamorous guy to live with, and until you find a monogamous gal to live with. But then, you both have a seven-year-old daughter to consider, so breaking up might be out of the question.

Difficult situation. I don't know what the answer is.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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