Hi Luke, welcome! Good on you for being willing to learn about polyamory to see if it's going to be a compatible relationship shape with what you would like.
Out of curiosity, what stage of life are you guys in? She describes herself as non-hierarchical but what commitments does she have with different people? Any mortgages out there? Kids? Power of attorneys? Insurances? Non-hierarchical can mean slightly different things when there is - well honestly - money involved. I have obligations with and to my husband that I don't have with my other partner, as does my other partner with and to his wife, although emotionally, I would say that my non-legal partner and I are probably a bit closer tbh. Both of my relationships are long distance, but both of those distances will be closing later this year. It will be interesting to see how we navigate that.
Often, although people describe themselves as non-hierarchical, it doesn't mean that a new dating partner immediately gets equal status with a longer term partner - that would actually be insane. Poly or mono, you have to get to know someone for a while to decide how far you're going to let them into your life and if they are long term compatible, so there will be some imbalance until such time as a new relationship becomes an established one and you've done whatever milestones you agree to. Have you read about the
relationship escalator? (Just one possible link, google will cough up many more). Of course there are things that take time and trust building to get to, and perhaps there are things that will always be off the table in order to maintain (the illusion of) no hierarchy.
Also, every now and then we get someone arrive here saying they've just started seeing a non-hierarchical hinge but [cue wailing and gnashing of teeth] the hinge's more established partner(s) are doing xyz with said hinge and as the new person it's not fair that they *aren't*. OMG seriously? No, you don't get to go to a family wedding (as a plus 2!) after seeing someone for a couple of months just because they say they are non-hierarchal. No, you don't get to go on an overseas vacation with someone you've just started seeing because they already had one planned with another partner, just because they are non-hierarchical. That's earned stuff in any dating situation.
And even after a relationship is established, let's face it, we can't treat people exactly equally largely because those people actually have different wants and needs. So non-hierarchical can mean ensuring that everyone's relationship needs (for time, attention, money, autonomy, etc.) are met equitably rather than equally. That's a skill, and no hinge is going to be perfect at it from the get go, even if they are experienced, there is likely to be some bumps along the way as they learn what the newest person needs, and what more established partners need to remain feeling secure when there is a "new shiny" person in the mix.
It's harder than monoamory for all involved, but it can be absolutely wonderful when the polycule truly have each others' best interests at heart. Metamours don't have to have a close bond, although sometimes they can become really good friends. But at the very least, they should be able to call each other if they need to in an emergency. Say your hinge was suddenly taken ill when you're with her - would you call her other partner/s? No? Then this isn't the relationship style for you. Yes? Great, how about sharing visiting hours if she's hospitalized? Sure, not a problem? Even better. Non-hierarchical, in practicality, is a group endeavor; everyone has to respect their metamours they way they might a work colleague (even if they don't want to have a beer with them).
I hope this has given you a little more food for thought and some more talking points with her. All the best
(in order of your paragraphs)
1.
We are both in our late 30s, no kids, no mortgage. I rent, and she is currently transitioning in her housing from van life to renting (due to some family conflicts in the past). Only other practical considerations are we both live in the same state, but currently at opposite ends and we are both disabled/deal with chronic health issues. I can't think of anything else related to what you discussed.
But all in all, what you mention makes sense. There definitely would be practical considerations, which we're talking about currently. Appreciate the insight.
2.
I have not read that about the escalator, but will do so, thank you. Also what you have said here also makes sense, just in terms of a practicality (that is, with relationships in general) as it sounds like a, for want of a better term, 'feeling things out' (that is, figuring things out, compatibility, etc.). Thank you for helping me consider this further, as we've been talking about taking time every so often about this area.
3.
Makes sense. I am, in effect, the new kid in school. I fully agree with earning things, more so the trust, confidence, etc. I won't lie, though, there have been some initial feelings, but I've been working to unpack, understand, and address them (to the best of my ability). I appreciate you letting me know, as it gives me a better overall perspective. Any suggestions on books or articles or blogs I should read about that aspect (that is, integration into, dealing with feelings from a poly perspective, etc.?
4.
If I am understanding correctly, you're highlighting the practical/realism vs idealism of meeting wants/needs? That makes sense, because in any relationship, not everyone is perfect. What I mean by that is... wants/needs change, and we're human, not superman/woman/etc. So I definitely understand that from an intellectual pov. I do appreciate the perspective from the hinge side of things also (which she, lets call her L, is, if I'm understanding correctly).
5.
Definitely understand and agree. However, to be honest, though, I do need to work a bit on this. Not because I'm cold or possessive or such (i.e., not toxic masculinity, just have always been a giver/nurturing type); I accept I have and need to rewire/retrain the idea in my head of wanting to be *the* provider, so to speak. If I've understood correctly from my learning, this is largely a cultural/monogamy thing, right?
At the end of the day, though, I just want to see her happy, healthy, joyful, etc. From an intellectual standpoint, it follows that she cares about the other partner; emotionally speaking, same thing. Heck, I'd want the same if I were in her shoes and am trying to mentally reframe it as simply wanting her chosen family (as she put it) to know, and if I didn't in that hypothetical I'd be a huge jerk, to put it simply. So, I understand what you're saying and definitely am working to be better in that respect, for myself and her. Any suggestions as far as reading, or videos? Or anything else?
Appreciate your time and it has absolutely given me more. Always open to any other perspective and advice-- blunt criticism, too.
Take care!
