Hello world, I am Sam

[samverse]

Hey There,

I have joined this site to explore like-minded individuals and communicate about polyamory in a welcoming space.

For the past 3 years, I have stayed single after a series of monogamous relationships spanning 2 to 4 years. I have recently been having an intimate relationship with a non-binary partner who introduced me to the concept, we have been dating for the past 2 months and we have been quite clear on the fact we are in an open relationship and are not compelled to share everything with each other, but we should be honest with all people we are seeing of our intention and involvement. Meaning, that we do not need to know who or when we are seeing other partners/the number of partners we have and meeting other partners.

These are the agreed rules we have set within our relationship:

Do not share any information about who and when we are seeing other people (Unless in Danger/Abuse)
Do not attempt to exchange numbers or show interest in other people while in allocated time with a partner
Do not attempt to form relationships with partners friends/family
Respect the boundaries of the time we spend together and the time we are independent

I am enjoying our sex life, intimacy, and sharing great moments and yet I hold no clingy attachment to the person I am seeing. I care about them but I also respect that I am not the only person they are seeing and likewise it works that way for me too. I can date who I want when I want, I don't have someone demanding, pleading for my attention, or the feeling I am betraying someone's trust and hurting them. I am free to love and be physical with who I want, and it is amazing.

My life was great without a partner and now I get to enjoy the side of affection that I was missing. However, dating has become a little difficult because the majority of people I am interested in are not poly, so searching for other partners who are open to the concept has become another tick box to find in people.

Is there anything more I should incorporate into our relationship or things to consider?

Where is the best place to meet/date people who are poly if I am looking to expand my love circle?

Kind regards

Sam

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Sam,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you have a good arrangement with your current partner, just make sure the two of you have good communication and you should be fine. As for the best place to meet/date people who are poly, you might try OKCupid or Feeld. Anyway, I hope you have better luck in your dating endeavors.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[Evie]

Where is the best place to meet/date people who are poly if I am looking to expand my love circle?

Hi Sam, are you in a city, even a small one, that has poly meetups? You could find listings for these on Facebook, Meetup, or Fetlife perhaps. Or if there isn't one, could you start one? All it takes is to book a table somewhere on say a Sunday afternoon (the monthly one I go to is 4-6 on a Sunday afternoon) and then post some ads in the above mentioned places.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hey there,

Welcome.

For the past 3 years, I have stayed single, after a series of monogamous relationships spanning 2 to 4 years. I have recently been having an intimate relationship with a non-binary partner who introduced me to the concept. We have been dating for the past 2 months. We have been quite clear on the fact we are in an open relationship and are not compelled to share everything with each other, but we should be honest with all people we are seeing of our intention and involvement. Meaning, that we do not need to know who or when we are seeing other partners/the number of partners we have and meeting other partners.

How does that work though? How often do you see this partner? If and when you find other people to date, you will have to schedule dates when you rotate between them. There's nothing wrong with all of your partners knowing about each other. Not telling your current partner anything about anyone else you might date is known as "don't ask, don't tell" (DADT), which can become distancing, even alienating.

These are the agreed rules we have set within our relationship:

Do not share any information about who and when we are seeing other people (Unless in Danger/Abuse)

Why not? Most poly people don't share the private business of their partners between them, but knowing their names, and the days you see others can be reassuring.

Do not attempt to exchange numbers or show interest in other people while in allocated time with a partner

Turning off phones during quality time on an actual date is polite and a good idea.

Do not attempt to form relationships with partners friends/family

Why not? You want to keep your worlds entirely separate from each other, forever? It's just natural to begin meeting a poly partner's friends and family eventually, just as you would in a mono relationship. However, you might not want to hang out with your partner's other partner(s). You might want to avoid that, which is called "parallel poly." But others like to sometimes hang out with their partner's other partner(s), which is called "kitchen table poly." This is a choice you two can work out as your relationship evolves.

Respect the boundaries of the time we spend together and the time we are independent

I am enjoying our sex life, intimacy, and sharing great moments, and yet I hold no clingy attachment to the person I am seeing. I care about them, but I also respect that I am not the only person they are seeing, and likewise it works that way for me too. I can date who I want when I want, I don't have someone demanding, pleading for my attention, or the feeling I am betraying someone's trust and hurting them. I am free to love and be physical with who I want, and it is amazing.

Sure, that's fine. Good polyamory requires a degree of independence, but also, people can and often do begin nesting with a poly partner, yet still retain a degree of autonomy.

My life was great without a partner and now I get to enjoy the side of affection that I was missing. However, dating has become a little difficult because the majority of people I am interested in are not poly, so searching for other partners who are open to the concept has become another tick box to find in people.

Is there anything more I should incorporate into our relationship or things to consider?

Yes. If this is your first foray into polyamory, or any kind of ethical non-monogamy, you might benefit greatly by reading from our resource list, here:

https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-advice-articles-master-thread.155304/

Articles, books and a podcast.

 

[Bobbi]

Not telling your current partner anything about anyone else you might date is known as "don't ask, don't tell" (DADT), which can become distancing, even alienating.

It also stifles intimacy. Hiding a part of your life, or worse, having to lie about it to not tell your partner is a relationship killer. You can do this with a FB whom you don't plan on getting close with, but know that doing that with someone you could have a deep loving relationship with will destroy that possibility. Deep relationships thrive on being emotionally intimate and vulnerable. Being vulnerable by being completely honest, even in very uncomfortable situations, is essential for this bonding.

Do not attempt to form relationships with partner's friends/family.

Do you mean date? If not, this would be a HUGE red flag to me. I would think that I'm a dirty little secret. Why am I being hidden from them and from others too? How much is this person being honest with others? With me? To me, only people doing something wrong want this kind of secrecy. Are they actually married and cheating on their spouse? Am I unknowingly agreeing to participate and keep it a secret?

You do you if it makes you happy, but there's too much here that would make me bow out. What happens if you fall in love and want to be more than a secret?

 

[Evie]

Do not attempt to form relationships with partners friends/family.

I interpreted this as a 'messy list' rule.

Sam, could you clarify please?

 

[samverse]

Hi Sam, are you in a city, even a small one, that has poly meetups? You could find listings for these on Facebook, Meetup, or Fetlife perhaps. Or if there isn't one, could you start one? All it takes is to book a table somewhere on say a Sunday afternoon (the monthly one I go to is 4-6 on a Sunday afternoon) and then post some ads in the above mentioned places.

Yes actually I live in London, I have checked the meetup app but it does not look like there are many polyamorous meets in the city. I think I will start hosting events to see who would be interested in hanging out and having a drink. Thanks for the tip!!

 

[samverse]

How does that work though? How often do you see this partner? If and when you find other people to date, you will have to schedule dates when you rotate between them. There's nothing wrong with all of your partners knowing about each other. Not telling your current partner anything about anyone else you might date is known as "don't ask, don't tell" (DADT), which can become distancing, even alienating

So I have been seeing them once or twice every other week depending on availability, and we keep in contact when we don't see each other with messages. Thanks for enlightening me about (DADT) I will watch that I and my partner does not feel alienated but for the most part I think we are okay with this agreement

Why not? Most poly people don't share the private business of their partners between them, but knowing their names, and the days you see others can be reassuring.

I prefer knowing less because it does not complicate or create comparisons. I think even hearing a name can lead to curiosity about who your partner is seeing when I only care about the person I am seeing.

Turning off phones during quality time on an actual date is polite and a good idea.

We don't turn our phones off, actually, I think that is bad. We still need to maintain contact with family/work/other partners but it's more we are not on the prowl while with a partner when we are with them. We can do that any other time.

Why not? You want to keep your worlds entirely separate from each other, forever? It's just natural to begin meeting a poly partner's friends and family eventually, just as you would in a mono relationship. However, you might not want to hang out with your partner's other partner(s). You might want to avoid that, which is called "parallel poly." But others like to sometimes hang out with their partner's other partner(s), which is called "kitchen table poly." This is a choice you two can work out as your relationship evolves.

Because it creates complications, there are millions of compatible people in the world, so why would I then attempt to grow in a relationship with a family member or close friend at the risk of ruining my current relationship with my partner or their relationship with their friend or worse family? The nature of relationships is that most of the time they inevitably fail, so keeping things simple is much better. Again, You have enlightened me to my preferences, Again, Thank you Magdlyn.

Sure, that's fine. Good polyamory requires a degree of independence, but also, people can and often do begin nesting with a poly partner, yet still retain a degree of autonomy.

I think a good deal of distance is also required, just a respect for privacy and boundaries.
.

 

[samverse]

I interpreted this as a 'messy list' rule.

Sam, could you clarify please?

Exactly the point, things could get messy. Unless I or my partner say "Hey I would be okay with you seeing this person and they have an interest in you" type deal I would not go out of my way to pursue friends especially not family. And even with permission acquired, I should also reflect on what will harm what I currently have going on. I think it is a decision based on preservation and expansion.

 

[samverse]

It also stifles intimacy. Hiding a part of your life, or worse, having to lie about it to not tell your partner is a relationship killer. You can do this with a FB whom you don't plan on getting close with, but know doing it with someone you could have a deep loving relationship with will destroy that possibility. Deep relationships thrive on being emotionally intimate and vulnerable. If you are never vulnerable..by being completely honest even in very uncomfortable situations, is essential for this bonding.

I don't think so at all, it's not hiding but respecting boundaries. There is trust and transparency within our relationship and the foundation for what we accept and expose is out in the open. But realistically, the world is not immediately accepting of polyamory, to some it is against their personal views and morals to others they may be jealous or hateful of the concept. I know that my partner has been clear with their family about it and they are against it, so I shouldn't introduce myself to them because I don't want to be villainized or ridiculed for having a genuine relationship.

and to be frank I don't care what they think. I just get on with it.

We have bonded quite deeply already, I think the question is could we bond deeper if we decided to remove these boundaries? and do we want to?

 

[samverse]

Do you mean date? If not, this would be a HUGE red flag to me. I would think that I'm a dirty little secret. Why am I being hidden from them and add that I'm being hidden from others too. How much is this person being honest with others? With me? To me, only people doing something wrong want this kind of secrecy. Are they actually married and cheating on their spouse? Am I unknowingly agreeing to participating and keeping it a secret?

You do you if it makes you happy but there's too much here that would make me bow out. What happens if you fall in love and want to be more than a secret?

Yes, I mean date, but again it reflects on my previous point. You should be able to trust the person that you are intimate with to know that they are not in a married/committed relationship before meeting you. IF they are lying to you, I agree massive red flag and no one deserves to be with a liar. No, I think you just like being very open about your relationship where as I feel what is my business is not the business of others so I keep to myself. I think it is just down to preference.

I think if I was to fall in love there would be a discussion of taking a step into fighting the battles I have just mentioned and being more open about our relationship, I would also consider if this person was enough for me, and all that I need, would I reduce the number of partners I have or become monogamous altogether. But it is very circumstantial and kind of shows the fluidity of the nature of relationships.

 

[LaminarFlow]

Yes, I mean date, but again it reflects on my previous point. You should be able to trust the person that you are intimate with to know that they are not in a married/committed relationship before meeting you. IF they are lying to you, I agree massive red flag and no one deserves to be with a liar. No, I think you just like being very open about your relationship where as I feel what is my business is not the business of others so I keep to myself. I think it is just down to preference.

What if you meet another (poly) person and they prefer open communication, because that's how they feel more loved, respected and connected?

It is not only your business, it's other people's business as well for personal sex hygiene or wanting to know the other person better by showing interests in their life as a loved one. You know. Normal relationship stuff?

I think if I was to fall in love there would be a discussion of taking a step into fighting the battles I have just mentioned and being more open about our relationship, I would also consider if this person was enough for me, and all that I need, would I reduce the number of partners I have or become monogamous altogether. But it is very circumstantial and kind of shows the fluidity of the nature of relationships.

Battles like not meeting certain friends and family or telling them that you are poly? That's perfectly fine, but a new person you are dating, you should probably tell them what dynamic you have to check if they want to consent to that.

 

[Evie]

The London Polyamory Meetup Group | Meetup

Please note we are alternating online and in-person "meetings" for the foreseeable future. We will be keeping an eye out to make sure we feel it is sufficiently safe for all our members and the admin team at in-person meetups. For more details and to join in the online chat, please see our Discord s

www.meetup.com

meetup dot com forwardslash polylondon forwardslash

and
Discord server https://discord.gg/d3JMwGx

 

[Magdlyn]

So I have been seeing them once or twice every other week, depending on availability, and we keep in contact when we don't see each other with messages. Thanks for enlightening me about (DADT). I will watch that my partner and I do not feel alienated, but for the most part I think we are okay with this agreement.

I prefer knowing less because it does not complicate or create comparisons. I think even hearing a name can lead to curiosity about who your partner is seeing when I only care about the person I am seeing.

Interesting. I think most poly people take at least a passing interest in who else their partner is dating. Humans are naturally curious. But if this is a pretty casual relationship, where you just see this person twice or maybe three times a month, maybe it doesn't matter. Things could change if/when you get closer, or if you get interested in someone who wants a fuller relationship.

We don't turn our phones off, actually, I think that is bad. We still need to maintain contact with family/work/other partners.

Well, yeah, I mean, it's fine to be available for emergencies. But my partners and I, if we are having a focused date night, going to dinner, a show, or the beach, say, or staying in and focusing on a movie and sex, we unplug for a while and make it a good quality date.

but it's more we are not on the prowl while with a partner when we are with them. We can do that any other time.

Oh, you mean if you go out to a bar or club as a date, you don't wander off to try and hook up with someone else.

Because it creates complications. There are millions of compatible people in the world, so why would I then attempt to grow in a relationship with a family member or close friend at the risk of ruining my current relationship with my partner or their relationship with their friend or worse family? The nature of relationships is that most of the time they inevitably fail, so keeping things simple is much better. Again, You have enlightened me to my preferences, Again, Thank you Magdlyn.

I misunderstood. I thought you meant you didn't want to meet your partner's family or friends at all. I didn't realize you meant you'd agreed not to date each other's family members or close friends. Yes, that is very wise.

I think a good deal of distance is also required, just a respect for privacy and boundaries.

To each their own. I don't want a "good deal of distance" in my relationships. I want to be fully committed, but at the same time, polyamorous. You can be poly and very close, tight and committed.

There are many ways to be ethically non-monogamous. We all find what works for us!

 

[Magdlyn]

Yes, I mean date, but again it reflects on my previous point. You should be able to trust the person that you are intimate with to know that they are not in a married/committed relationship before meeting you.

You mean a monogamous relationship. Lots of poly people are married and committed, but have open relationships. It is important to weed out the cheaters.

IF they are lying to you, I agree massive red flag and no one deserves to be with a liar. No, I think you just like being very open about your relationship where as I feel what is my business is not the business of others so I keep to myself. I think it is just down to preference.

Oh, again, this wasn't clear. You're talking about being "out" as poly.

I think if I were to fall in love, there would be a discussion about taking a step into fighting the battles I have just mentioned and being more open about our relationship, I would also consider if this person were enough for me, and all that I need. Would I reduce the number of partners I have, or become monogamous altogether? But it is very circumstantial and kind of shows the fluidity of the nature of relationships.

It can be hard to be out as poly to older family members, at work, to certain kinds of friends who wouldn't understand, at church, etc. And it depends on your culture. I live in a progressive US state, where queers are quite accepted, for example, but polyamory is still a new concept, so I don't go shouting it from the rooftops.