Hello!

Hi and welcome 😀

Here's some recommendations for reading/podcasts etc.


Your biggest risk will be being used by a couple as a sex toy/marital bandaid, and not treated as a whole and complete person. Be very wary of age gap relationships, and couples who have a gazillion rules you're supposed to follow. Or don't allow you to spend time with them separately to get to know them as individuals.

In saying all that, when it's going well it can be extremely rewarding being involved with a couple. I just hope you can merge into a sustainable throuple without too many growing pains. This is most likely to happen with people in about the same stage of life as you.
 
Evie said:
Hi and welcome 😀

Here's some recommendations for reading/podcasts etc.


Your biggest risk will be being used by a couple as a sex toy/marital bandaid, and not treated as a whole and complete person. Be very wary of age gap relationships, and couples who have a gazillion rules you're supposed to follow. Or don't allow you to spend time with them separately to get to know them as individuals.

In saying all that, when it's going well it can be extremely rewarding being involved with a couple. I just hope you can merge into a sustainable throuple without too many growing pains. This is most likely to happen with people in about the same stage of life as you.
Click to expand...
Omg thank you! Also what is a metamour? (I hope I spelled that right) I’ve heard that word being thrown around these spaces but I haven’t a clue what it means
 
I see Evie was warning you about seeking to be a unicorn with a couple. I didn't want to give advice to you on the Dating forum, where you mentioned being "desperate" to date a couple, since that area is off bounds for advice. But I did add the guideline for unicorn hunters there.

You seem to have long-held fantasies about being in a nice MFM sandwich with a committed couple who will effortlessly "add" you "as a third" and you all live happily ever after.

I'll just tell it to you straight. Fantasies are not reality.

Rarely does it work out that all three people in a triad feel the same about each other. The established couple has a history together, and shared habits. They probably have understandings, shared friends, maybe shared finances, a legal marriage contract, a house, kids, etc. They may expect you to just blend in and do whatever they say, fit in, go along with it, follow their "rules." That is called couples privilege, and it's not healthy for the unicorn.

If you want to date a man and a woman, it's best to date two people who are NOT in a couple. They are both just your bf and your gf. They may have other partners too, whom you may or may not meet, like, or date.

In a triad there are three dyads. In your fantasy, there would be:

You and the M;
You and the W;
The M and the W.

Then, all three together.

Each dyad needs time to develop on its own. Never agree to only have sex with a couple in threesomes, while they, being established, can have one-on-one sex with each other. Beware of one of them getting jealous of your relationship with the other, and seeking to control your time together, or even claiming the right to veto your relationship altogether.

What if you got with a couple, and then decided you really liked the M, but not the W? Would you be able to keep dating the M, or would you be forced to break up with both? What if you loved both the M and the W, but one of them decided they didn't want to keep dating you? Would you be forced to break up with both?

A metamour is the partner of your partner. In a triad, both of your partners would also be your metamours. That is extremely difficult to manage, even for an experienced poly person, never mind a newbie.

M is your partner.
W is your partner.
M is your metamour.
W is your metamour.
You are M's partner.
You are M's metamour.
You are W's partner.
You are W's metamour.

That is 8 relationships to handle. Too many moving parts!

If you dated a M and a W who were NOT each other's partners, it would be:

M is your partner.
W is your partner.
M is W's metamour.
W is M's metamour.

The relationships have less overlap and are therefore far less complicated and cleaner.

Sometimes when you date a couple, they might each complain about the shared partner to you, might use you as a go-between, and you become the "monkey in the middle," being tossed back and forth.

Or you're just a sex toy to them.

Or you're just a Band-Aid to keep a failing relationship together.

I'm sure my post is a downer, but you deserve the warning. Sadly, too many newbies get extremely hurt when they attempt triads. Even the couple new to poly may think "sharing a third" will "protect their relationship," but it's actually a less successful way to go about opening, thinking-- "Let's just do couple+one!" "We're in this together!" They end up on opposite sides of their shared chew toy, and become enemies, not partners. It can cause couples to break up. (This happened to me!)
 
Magdlyn said:
I see Evie was warning you about seeking to be a unicorn with a couple. I didn't want to give advice to you on the Dating forum, where you mentioned being "desperate" to date a couple, since that area is off bounds for advice. But I did add the guideline for unicorn hunters there.

You seem to have long-held fantasies about being in a nice MFM sandwich with a committed couple who will effortlessly "add" you "as a third" and you all live happily ever after.

I'll just tell it to you straight. Fantasies are not reality.

Rarely does it work out that all three people in a triad feel the same about each other. The established couple have histories together, and shared habits, understandings, shared friends, maybe shared finances, a legal marriage contract, a house, kids, etc. They may expect you to just blend in and do whatever they say, fit in, go along with it, follow their "rules." That is called couples privilege, and it's not healthy for the unicorn.

If you want to date a man and a woman, it's best to date two people who are NOT in a couple. They are both just your bf and your gf. They may have other partners too, whom you may or may not meet, like, or date.

In a triad there are three dyads. In your fantasy, there would be:

You and the M;
You and the W;
The M and the W.

Then, all three together.

Each dyad needs time to develop on its own. Never agree to only have sex with a couple in threesomes, while they, being established, can have one-on-one sex with each other. Beware of one of them getting jealous of your relationship with the other, and seeking to control your time together, or even claiming the right to veto your relationship altogether.

What if you got with a couple, and then decided you really liked the M, but not the W? Would you be able to keep dating the M, or would you be forced to break up with both? What if you loved both the M and the W, but one of them decided they didn't want to keep dating you? Would you be forced to break up with both?

A metamour is the partner of your partner. In a triad, both of your partners would also be your metamours. That is extremely difficult to manage, even for an experienced poly person, never mind a newbie.

M is your partner.
W is your partner.
M is your metamour.
W is your metamour.
You are M's partner.
You are M's metamour.
You are W's partner.
You are W's metamour.

That is 8 relationships to handle. Too many moving parts!

If you dated a M and a W who were NOT each other's partners, it would be:

M is your partner.
W is your partner.
M is W's metamour.
W is M's metamour.

The relationships have less overlap and are therefore far less complicated and cleaner.

Sometimes when you date a couple, they might each complain about the shared partner to you, might use you as a go-between, and you become the "monkey in the middle," being tossed back and forth.

Or you're just a sex toy to them.

Or you're just a Band-Aid to keep a failing relationship together.

I'm sure my post is a downer, but you deserve the warning. Sadly, too many newbies get extremely hurt when they attempt triads. Even the couple new to poly may think "sharing a third" will "protect their relationship," but it's actually a less successful way to go about opening, thinking-- "Let's just do couple+one!" "We're in this together!" They end up on opposite sides of their shared chew toy, and become enemies, not partners. It can cause couples to break up. (This happened to me!)
Click to expand...
Oooooh, okay. I’m glad I got to hear this because, uh, woah boy, especially being new, I’m glad I can avoid getting hurt like that. Thanks for all the info. I really appreciate it. It’s nice to hear from other poly people so I can avoid hurting myself. ^^”
 
Greetings Silly_Guy!,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You sound like you are interested in being a third in a throuple, that is cool, just make sure you advocate for your own wants and needs. I'm glad you could join us, I hope Polyamory.com becomes a second home for you!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
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