Help Me Get Ahold of My Sanity!

Desiree

New member
Hi everyone, I’ve read through a few advice-seeking posts on this section of the forum... and there’s been some really great advice that I wouldn’t have thought of myself... so, here I am, begging on my knees. Someone please help me get ahold of my sanity!

Quick Relevant About Me: I’m a 20-year-old cisgender female living near the Gulf Coast in the United States.

I met this girl Serenity online about 9 years ago. She’s a year younger than me. Yeah I know, it was way too super young to be online, but that’s in the past and it’s something I would teach my kids not to do lol. Anyway, we clicked really fast, and we became absolute best friends almost overnight.

Fast forward maybe two years, I confessed my love to her—still pretty young, only 12 or 13 years old. Basically, we both dismissed it as a temporary crush and never talked about it again.

Ever since, I’ve, for the most part, denied and suppressed my romantic feelings and desire for her... until this past week. I’ve also only just recently (within the past several months) learned about polyamory and finally accepted the belief that it’s actually okay to feel romantic love and desire for more than one person at a time, you know, as long as I don’t act on anything without everyone’s general consent.

I have a boyfriend (Abel) currently, and we’re in a very committed, loving, monogamous relationship right now. Serenity is in a 5-year-long monogamous, heterosexual relationship... but she’s been feeling unsure. She has confided in me her various anxieties about her relationship, including her lack of romantic feelings for him at the moment (which she said has been going on since this summer), as well as their lack of healthy communication (which she said has been going on since the beginning). She’s postponed talking to him about these insecurities until after this semester of college is over (December 17th), because she doesn’t want to deal with all the stress of college finals combined with her relationship issues.

I guess that was all just the background, and what I’m seeking advice for is about ALL these issues:

Specific to my boyfriend...
- I’ve talked to my boyfriend (Abel) about polyamory and he’s open to further discussion, but not super keen on my idea. My thoughts on the perfect relationship would be a triad (not a vee), because I’m not interested in a hierarchy type of setup (and I want them to experience the love they each give me, but I wouldn’t be bothered by them having other relationships outside of the triad/vee). Anyway, I love them both equally, and I’d like to be able to display my affection for and prioritize them equally. That would mean building a life with both of them, and not living two separate lives of my own. Again, this is just a personal preference and not what I would expect out of them. The problem with that idea for Abel, though, is that his family is a bit traditional and he doesn’t want to disappoint his parents. In other words, he prefers monogamy and he did mention at one point that he felt like it would be unfair for him to practice monogamy with me but for me to practice polyamory at the same time... but he’s seemingly moved past that thought process now, since he said that if he and Serenity were to develop romantic feelings for each other, then he would obviously have that talk with his parents and whatnot... but basically he’d prefer to avoid/prevent that circumstance from developing at all.


Specific to Serenity...
- When I told Serenity all those years ago about my feelings for her, she hadn’t even developed her sexuality yet. She’d never even had a crush on someone before. And her current boyfriend, Braden, is the first person she’s ever had a relationship with. Even if they were to break up, I don’t actually know if she’d be attracted to me, or even if she’s attracted to the female sex in general.

- To make matters worse, she lives halfway across the country from me, near the Pacific Coast. If she were to reciprocate my romantic feelings and desire for her (and Abel were to accept just me being polyamorous at the very least), I truly don’t know how we would make anything work. I’ve been in one “on-off” long distance relationship before, and each time, I was utterly miserable even though I had an otherwise very healthy and loving relationship with that person. Long distance romantic relationships are just not for me, despite my ability to maintain the lasting friendship I have had with Serenity.

- If she wanted to move to my city after breaking up with Braden (which isn’t super far fetched, she doesn’t have much in regards to emotional support and friends in her hometown besides him), I don’t know how we would figure that out. She could live on campus for school maybe, but that out of state tuition is intense. She could move in with me and Abel once we get our own place, but I’m not sure how that would work if they weren’t considering the possibility of entering into a triad relationship.


My questions...
All in all, I just don’t know what to do. Should I even bother telling her how I feel? Abel says that whether or not her and Braden break up, I should at least get everything off my chest. If that’s true, should I wait until everything is settled between them? Or should I tell her only if they break up and after she has had proper time to grieve and heal? Or on the other hand, should I just get it out before she tells Braden about her insecurities, so that if she does reciprocate my feelings, she would be able to consider everything at once right now? If I shouldn’t tell her at all, how do I remain friends with her, without completely losing my sanity and feeling heartbroken all the time like I do right now? I’m so confused and I’m really hurting... I really need some advice and insight. I feel like no one around me really understands everything going on that’s just scrambling around in my mind right now...


I hope all of that was cohesive and coherent... but I guess I should put this here just in case.

TL;DR

I have a monogamous boyfriend (Abel) currently, who is willing to further discuss a polyamorous relationship depending on the response I get from my long distance best friend Serenity, who I have just begun to acknowledge that I am and have been in love with for 7-8 years... but her sexual orientation is not certain to me, and she is currently experiencing conflict in her monogamous, straight relationship. The odds of her reciprocating my feelings seem to be low, and it would be very difficult to make a relationship work even if she did, but... should I tell her how I feel anyway? If not, how do I remain friends with her without losing my sanity?


P.S. I’ve changed all the names of the people I mentioned in this post.
 
First of all are you willing to lose her as a friend?

Second it is very unethical to expect Serenity to be in a relationship of any sort with your boyfriend. She should have 100% say in whom she brings into her life and in what capacity.

Third have you even met her in person and spent anytime with her? She could have habits and beliefs that will drive you nuts or be a deal breaker.

I think you need to slow down really thinks this through and do some research. For example a triad is the least successful configuration especially a forced triad. Have you thought about the fact that she could decide she loves your boyfriend and not you? Or he could fall head over heels for her and decide he only wants her. Or they could hate each other and not want to be in the same room.

Hate to break it to you... you will never love them both the same. I have been with my one husband 6 years and the 17 years. Love ebbs and flows. Different partners and relationships sometimes need more than the other. Different relationships are at different places at different times.

Another thing you all are very young. Do you all want the same things in life? People change and grow over the years. Compatibility changes.

I could go on and on....
 
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I'm sorry you struggle. :(

FWIW? Here is what pops up to me. I don't know if it helps you any.

In other words, he prefers monogamy and he did mention at one point that he felt like it would be unfair for him to practice monogamy with me but for me to practice polyamory at the same time... but he’s seemingly moved past that thought process now, since he said that if he and Serenity were to develop romantic feelings for each other, then he would obviously have that talk with his parents and whatnot... but basically he’d prefer to avoid/prevent that circumstance from developing at all.

To me? "Anything less than a joyous yes is a working no." Abel isn't sounding "joyous yes" about poly or a triad. To me he sounds like he just doesn't want to deal in it but also doesn't want to tell you outright no so as not to hurt your feelings. But he's still saying no. Are you able to hear that over the crush lalas or are you not hearing him?

If he isn't up for this? And he really rather do traditional monogamy? You may have to accept that this dating partner has run its course. Or that if you want to stay with him, you have to let the want for poly triad go.

My thoughts on the perfect relationship would be a triad (not a vee), because I’m not interested in a hierarchy type of setup (and I want them to experience the love they each give me, but I wouldn’t be bothered by them having other relationships outside of the triad/vee). Anyway, I love them both equally, and I’d like to be able to display my affection for and prioritize them equally. That would mean building a life with both of them, and not living two separate lives of my own. Again, this is just a personal preference and not what I would expect out of them.

I see that you state your preference for triad and don't want to push it on them. But why poly or even a triad? If you've never done poly why start there? That's the HARDEST model. It's essentially 3 v's all stacked up together. Would you even be wanting it if Serenity were out of the picture? Or is it a way to "solve" the Serenity crush problem for you?

You don't mention it but since Serenity is there with her BF.... are you outgrowing Abel? And wanting to move on to something else but not wanting to let him go? Would he be first serious break up after first serious relationship? That can be challenging for young adults.


Remember you are 20. The brain is not done growing til at least 25. You don't have to have your life set in stone at 20. It's the time to date, learn, grow, etc. So if part of the "going crazy" is you pressuring yourself to have all the answers NOW to alleviate the anxiety? You could stop pressuring yourself and tell yourself it is OK to not know all the things right now, it is OK to let some opportunities pass. Sometimes we meet (maybe) the right people, but they don't necessarily come at the RIGHT TIME in our lives. It happens.

If part of the "going crazy" is telling yourself you really want to be free to pursue poly (in general) or Serenity (specifically) or (Serenity in a poly model)? And then this other part "not wanting to hurt Abel" or "not wanting to give up what Abel represents right now" --- you may have to resolve that internal conflict FIRST.

And her current boyfriend, Braden, is the first person she’s ever had a relationship with. Even if they were to break up, I don’t actually know if she’d be attracted to me, or even if she’s attracted to the female sex in general.

That's a biggie. First serious break up is rough on several levels. No break up is fun. But first serious break up? It's also time to get to know oneself in that mode. I know at mine I didn't even know how to take care of myself well, or what to do. Subsequent ones were still not fun, but a lot easier to recover from. Then I DID have a clue for how to do my self care.

Add that you don't even know if she's into women or not when you've been friends this long... maybe what you think you like or love is you IDEA of Serenity and not the actuality? Online friendships don't really give you the full sense of a person.


- To make matters worse, she lives halfway across the country from me
, near the Pacific Coast. If she were to reciprocate my romantic feelings and desire for her (and Abel were to accept just me being polyamorous at the very least), I truly don’t know how we would make anything work. I’ve been in one “on-off” long distance relationship before, and each time, I was utterly miserable even though I had an otherwise very healthy and loving relationship with that person. Long distance romantic relationships are just not for me, despite my ability to maintain the lasting friendship I have had with Serenity.

So.... it's not very "joyous yes" with YOU either. You don't dig LDR. You may have to accept that.

All in all, I just don’t know what to do. Should I even bother telling her how I feel?

Not at this time. NO. It's just not even a potential runner right now.

Abel says that whether or not her and Braden break up, I should at least get everything off my chest.

Why? So you quit bugging him? :confused:

So you burden her with more at this time? :confused:

Serenity doesn't even want to talk to her actual BF at this time about serious relationship issues so it doesn't mess with her finals. Which is wise, since it's only another week. She's doing her emotional managment. Why would you want to unload on her and ADD to her burden? With the LDR thing it isn't like you could do anything anyway. How is unloading on her being friendly toward her?

I would not tell her at all and find ways move past your crush feelings for her. This is not Serenity's problem. Enduring this crush is YOUR problem. You could do your own emotional management.

If I shouldn’t tell her at all, how do I remain friends with her, without completely losing my sanity and feeling heartbroken all the time like I do right now?

I sympathize. Keep in mind your age. A LOT of what you feel in the late teens and 20s feels really "LOUD" and unbearable. So many things are new and you have no yardsticks for comparison. It's the time for collecting the life experience yardsticks. And learning how to handle stuff. This might be one of those.

I remember having intense things like that in my late teens and 20s. One of them lasted from 12 years old to 22! And then it was gone. On top of that one and after that one, there were many others. But that first one taught me that no, I wasn't gonna die if I didn't do anything about it. And yes, there would be others that would last anywhere from a few months to several years. And with non-action? They ALL fade. So at middle age I can look back and go "Yeah, I remember that was rough." But time has faded it and it's not the same INTENSE LOUDNESS like it used to be. When I get crushes now in middel age, it's a relief to not have them be like THAT. Fun, yes. Exciting, yes. But not ALL CONSUMING. I now better understand phrases like "the breadth of experience" or "taking life at its measure." Back then when I heard those it was just a big "Huh?"

I learned that just because I felt attraction to someone didn't meant I have to do anything about it. Some I did pursue -- because there was MORE than just attraction there. Others I let go -- because of things like LDR being a drag, being at different places in schooling or career, etc.

Life is long. You don't have to live all your things on super fast up at the front end of your adult life. It's ok to let some things go by.

You seem to realize it's not kind to go after people who are in difficult circumstances and vulnerable. The recently broken up, divorced, widowed, etc. They need some time to heal first before dating again. So respect that and give Serenity space. Don't burden her with YOUR burden.

You are not both WILLING and ABLE to ask her out. You are in a monogamous thing with Abel and he's not into poly. You are also LDR from Serenity and you dislike LDR. So NO on the "able" part twice over. Why trade one kind of crazy (Aaaaahhhh! This crush!) for another? (Ahhhh! Juggling my mono BF who doesn't want to poly and my LDR gf when I hate LDR and poly triad when that's the hardest model?) Like one load of ugh for a triple load?

You have access to tools I did not at that age. There's lots of advice online for how to let an unrequited crush go and how to help yourself by doing self care. Could google. If you need extra support? Are you in school? Can you see a campus counselor?

HTH!

Galagirl
 
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To Dagferi,

Thank you for your response. I appreciate your blatant honesty, which I feel very much was that “tough love” type of advice. I think that receiving your input in such a way has helped me to see the reality of certain things, even though it feels harsh. I do have to clarify a couple of things though.

Hate to break it to you... you will never love them both the same. I have been with my one husband 6 years and the 17 years. Love ebbs and flows. Different partners and relationships sometimes need more than the other. Different relationships are at different places at different times.

The biggest thing I want to clarify is in response to this... I understand your viewpoint, but I don’t mean that I want to treat them the exact same way I treat the other, just that I want to be able to treat them with the same level of affection and priority as necessary in each relationship.

I will say, too, that I certainly don’t expect Serenity to have any type of relationship with Abel, other than my assumption that what friendship they have right now will/would continue. But that would obviously be completely up to them... I can’t and don’t want to force them into anything. GalaGirl hit on that, too.

Thank you again, Dagferi.





To GalaGirl,

I actually saw some of the advice you gave on another post, and I was hoping you would respond to mine... Thank you.

Thank you for bringing to my attention that quote about the “working no.” I understand now, how it must be coming off to Abel... I have asked him again how he feels about it after our initial conversation... his last statement was what I said about how he’d prefer to avoid/prevent it from happening, but also that he’s “not entirely opposed” so all in all, I can tell he’s really unsure and hesitant... so I suppose I should ask him to dig deep and tell me what his truest feelings are? I think I know the answer, but I want to be sure that he knows and isn’t deceiving himself or letting me not be disappointed.

I see that you state your preference for triad and don't want to push it on them. But why poly or even a triad? If you've never done poly why start there? That's the HARDEST model. It's essentially 3 v's all stacked up together. Would you even be wanting it if Serenity were out of the picture? Or is it a way to "solve" the Serenity crush problem for you?

I think the answer to this question would be “currently, no.” I really am happy with Abel, we have a very healthy relationship and I want to build a life with him. I’m not currently interested in anyone besides him and Serenity. But I think that a triad is something that just speaks to me, as cheesy as it sounds... Like I tried to convey before, it doesn’t have to be closed for them, either. I guess it’s more of a fantasy than anything, that I would be just elated if my partners could experience the love from each other that they both give to me. Maybe that’s just naive.

You don't mention it but since Serenity is there with her BF.... are you outgrowing Abel? And wanting to move on to something else but not wanting to let him go? Would he be first serious break up after first serious relationship? That can be challenging for young adults.

No, I’ve been what I’ve seen someone refer to as a “serial monogamist.” I’m also a hopeless romantic, so every official relationship I’ve entered, I’ve wished to be everlasting. Almost every break up I’ve had has been a serious break up with serious heart break. I’d say only the most recent one of them wasn’t quite as hard to deal with as the others.

I think most of my “going crazy” is the anxiety part... and for Serenity’s sexual orientation... I avoided asking about anything like that specifically. She was with Braden and that’s really all that seemed to matter, I guess.

And then... I think what I appreciate most is your answer to my last question... because I’m fairly certain I’ve just been in denial of not telling her being the right decision. I guess what I’m worried about is this:

And with non-action? They ALL fade.

What if it’s not fading so much as suppressing, for having not gotten any closure? I don’t know how to get closure by myself, it’s something I was working on with a therapist before I had to stop seeing them. I don’t want to grow to resent Serenity if I don’t successfully move on from my feelings for her, but I also really don’t want to lose her as a friend at all, even just temporarily for right now. I don’t want to abandon her when she might be going through a breakup... but I don’t know how to balance it. I get what you’re saying about everything being loud and unbearable at this age... but I’m starting to see through the fog... this isn’t even as intense as it would have been if I opened up to myself about my feelings for her, a few years ago. I’m still capable of functioning normally without having her or my feelings on my mind 24/7. It’s just in the times that I do think about her, I don’t know what to do and it’s so overwhelming and painful. I wish everything could just go back to how it was, but I feel like that type of thinking is going to lead to me suppressing my feelings again. I’ll try looking up about letting go of unrequited crushes... I’ll be back in school come mid January, but I don’t trust campus counselors anymore... I’ve been very harshly judged and had Christianity pushed on me by a few too many counselors who were not certified psychologists... I’ll be seeing my own psychologist sometime in the near future though, after I finish my paperwork appointment at my clinic.

Anyway, I appreciate every insight you’ve had for me. Thank you so much.
 
Hello Desiree,

I kind of get the impression that somewhere in your heart of hearts, you would like to be in a triad, living together, with Serenity and Abel. This is a lovely vision and I for one would be glad if it could happen. But first there are like a million hurdles to get over. The three biggest hurdles are,

  • Convincing Abel to consent to polyamory,
  • Finding out whether Serenity is bisexual,
  • Finding out whether Serenity is attracted to you.
Getting Serenity to move in with you, or at least move to live closer to you, is another big hurdle, but there's no point even worrying about that until you get past those first three hurdles. I am actually not opposed to you telling Serenity about your feelings for her, though you might want to wait until after finals are over. Just brace yourself for the disappointment you will feel if you find out she doesn't reciprocate your feelings.

As for Abel, it sounds like his main reservation about poly is that he doesn't want to disappoint his parents. That's a tough one to get over. It isn't like his parents are going to change to suit him. And while my opinion is that he would be better off living his life without being beholden to his parents, I think that's a conclusion he would have to come to on his own. All you can do is talk to him from time to time and find out where he is at.

Another hurdle is whether Serenity will break up with Braden, and if she won't, how will Braden fit into the picture. But that's like the LDR problem, not worth even worrying about until you get past the first three big (biggest) hurdles. So many things stand between you and that triad, and my point is that it's going to be a long, painstaking process, if it can happen at all. I don't mean to discourage you from trying, I just mean you'll have to be patient.

I hope all your dreams come true but if they don't, don't be discouraged. Sometimes life works out in a way we didn't expect, a way which turns out to be better than anything we had imagined. Who knows, maybe you are destined to be in a triad but not with the people you originally had in mind. There could be people out there whom you will love even more, I know it sounds impossible but don't rule it out. Or, maybe things will work out in a way neither you nor I could imagine.

Hang in there and just do your best!
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Desiree! Well, i had a lot of thoughts while reading this, and then a lot more while reading the other peoples responses, so lets just get this all out in the open.

This whole situation really resonates with me, maybe not the torn between what to do poly thing, but definitely the long distance struggles. As i've grown up i've made many friends online who i have had really intense crushes on. Most of them i've ended up dating, but i do have a few which stayed as crushes and i never got the sort of closure i needed about them and to this day it still feels incredibly strange to talk to them.

When you have someone who you like, and its a very unclear of blurred line between if its friendship, or something else, it is very easy to feel confused and even a bit lost with where you stand with them. so i completely understand how your whole situation with Serenity must leave you feeling.

Now, when it comes to your partner, that is also a difficult one. My last serious girlfriend before J, we were long distance and together 2 years-ish. In that time, i pretty much had this overwhelming holy shit i'm poly realization, which i tried to bring up with her and didn't really get a good response. At the time I had more things to worry about like closing the distance and stuff like that. The only way i can describe it is I was happy with her, but it always felt like there could be room for one more.

Well, our breakup pretty much happened because she couldn't commit to me, and she realized it wasn't fair on me for her to be mono and for me to be poly. So have definitely had the undecided/not sure what the hell to think of poly stuff reaction from a partner.

With my current partner J, her response to the idea of any sort of poly arrangement was that she'd never experienced it, was a bit scared of it, but wanted to try it. Now, i know you cant force your partner to be poly, but i feel if they're not 100% against it then you have to give it a shot, right?

Although you say you don't want a hierarchy, i found the best way to deal with it if you do have a partner who is unsure, then you do treat them as your primary, even if its just until things settle down. Any person coming into a relationship that already exists knows that of course the other partner is and will be a primary for awhile at least, until everyone gets to know each other and becomes more comfortable.

Last and final thing that i wanted to say is, no long distance relationship will ever be the same as the last one you were in. immediately i saw the 'on and off' bit about it and thought is that what made you unhappy? I know that with an ex i didn't have 100% of her commitment on the relationship and it made me incredibly miserable. Distance i can do, most people can, but its often the lack of commitment/communication is what breaks it.

There really isn't a whole load of advice i can give here except honestly, do what you think you should. You can listen to the other posters, or to your boyfriend, but really, if you feel you should tell her how you feel then go for it. f you feel you should wait or just give up on this entirely, then that's also fine. you'll find the more you think on it the more you'll become set on a course of action.

Best of luck no matter what you do! :)
 
Sorry I tend to be a direct and to the point type person.

Plus I am a busy 40 something woman and my time is limited. I juggle a full time job, and I work in an industry in which Christmas time is chaos. I have two husbands and two seperate homes 25 miles apart homes to take care of. I also have 13 pets. Several who are exotics who have specialized care. Plus 2 kids still at home who are 15 and 12 and have their places to be an activities. I am also trying to help with elder care long distance. And I was diagnosed with duodenal cancer in October so I am also dealing with everything that goes with a cancer battle.

So no offense was meant. Just do not have the time nor the energy to not just get down to the brass tacks of the situation.

You are young.. My oldest son is 24. I will give you the same advice I gave him at 20 when he was hung up on a girl who was 600 miles away. You are young... Enjoy your life. Travel, find yourself, be free. Who you are attracted to now is not who you will be attracted to 10 years down the road.I look back at whom I dated in my teens and 20s and I am not attracted to those same people in my 40s.
 
Dagferi -- I'm so sorry to hear about the cancer dx. Hang in there!


Desiree -- Glad it helped you some.

his last statement was what I said about how he’d prefer to avoid/prevent it from happening, but also that he’s “not entirely opposed” so all in all, I can tell he’s really unsure and hesitant...

To me? All that is still "no." Because it is just NOT a "joyous yes."

I rather make a firm decision than go round and round in circles. Then I can get on with my life. That's how I like to handle things with my emotional management.


so I suppose I should ask him to dig deep and tell me what his truest feelings are?

What makes you think he is not ALREADY doing that? :confused:

1) He wants traditional monogamy

2) he prefers to not create a situation where he develops feelings for Serenity. He prefers to avoid all that/prevent all that.

I think you could listen to that and stop talking to him about it. When you keep thinking "there's a chance with Abel" then it just helps fuels the Serenity triad fantasy.

I think the answer to this question would be “currently, no.” I really am happy with Abel, we have a very healthy relationship and I want to build a life with him. I’m not currently interested in anyone besides him and Serenity. But I think that a triad is something that just speaks to me, as cheesy as it sounds... Like I tried to convey before, it doesn’t have to be closed for them, either. I guess it’s more of a fantasy than anything, that I would be just elated if my partners could experience the love from each other that they both give to me. Maybe that’s just naive.

Then LEAVE it in fantasy. Be ok not trying to make it reality.

You sound happy with Abel and like you want to stay with him. So be willing to let this crush thing go. You sound like inside you know it's not a runner and like the problem is HOW to let it go.

I think what I appreciate most is your answer to my last question... because I’m fairly certain I’ve just been in denial of not telling her being the right decision.

Sometimes it's ok to just experience a deep/long crush and say NOTHING to the crush person. It's a valid choice.

What if it’s not fading so much as suppressing, for having not gotten any closure?

You don't have to suppress anything. You can express your feelings in a journal, to a counselor, to a trusted friend or relative who won't spill the beans to Serenity. Air out. Get it out of your system. Write a letter to her and burn it rather than mailing it.

Just don't tell Serenity herself. And don't pester Abel (who doesn't want poly) about poly stuf any more. Accept it is FANTASY and let it be.

I don’t know how to get closure by myself, it’s something I was working on with a therapist before I had to stop seeing them.

I'm not a therapist. But I believe feelings ensue after action behavior or thinking behavior. Like the feelings that ensue? Keep doing the behaviors. Don't like them? Stop doing the behaviors and do something new. See if new feelings ensue.

If you sit around spending lots of time talking to Serenity (action behavior) and then start thinking things like "She's so cute! I wish I could date her!" (thinking behavior) and the feelings that ensue is more fuel for the crush?

You have to change some stuff or a mix of stuff.

1) Stop talking/hanging around her so much. Talk a little less. Maybe more time in between. Not like abandoning, but if you talking daily leads to unrequited crush maybe talk daily for 30 min rather than 3 hours. Or talk weekly. Get some space in there.

2) Catch yourself drifting off into crush fantasy thoughts and deliberately change the channel. REMIND yourself "No. That's fantasy talk. It's not gonna happen. This is crush fantasy stuff and I prefer not to indulge in that only to vex myself later. I am going to think about X instead. "

It will take practice. You could write it down and see how long you can go in between stretches.

3) Or become more ok just crushing and let the thought drift on by.

I don’t want to grow to resent Serenity if I don’t successfully move on from my feelings for her.

And why would you resent this woman? :confused: She doesn't know you crush on her. It's not her fault you have crush feelings. She's not going "neener neener, can never date me!" or something.


but I also really don’t want to lose her as a friend at all, even just temporarily for right now.

What is happening in reality that would cause a friendship the break up? You being silent on the crush bit does what? Nothing to the friendship. You just keep on being her friend.

Besides, the friendship IS NOT UP TO YOU alone.

If you want to be friends? AND she wants to be friends? Then you both are friends.

If you want to be friends and she does not? No more friends.

If she wants to be friends and you do not? No more friends.


I don’t want to abandon her when she might be going through a breakup...

So don't abandon. Express sorrow that she's dealing with that. Ask how she'd best like comfort from you if at all. Send her a card? Check in once a week? Something else? If she wants time and space -- do that.

but I don’t know how to balance it.

Balance what against what? :confused:

Most of that list is anxiety sounding to me. Like you are spinning "what if this? what if that?" and upsetting your own self with the thinking behavior. I'm not reading any of that happening in real life. All I read is you have a crush on her, and she's over there dealing with finals and then planning on talking to her BF and maybe breaking up with him.

  • Resenting her? She didn't do anything to you that is awful. I didn't read she hates your guts. Or you hers. Does not apply. I grey it out.
  • friend break up -- I'm not hearing where she wants to dump you or you her as friends. So you are "pre-worrying" something that doesn't need to be worried about at this time.I grey it out.

    [*]abandoning her -- don't sound like you are doing that. So "pre-worrying" something that doesn't need to be worried about at this time. I grey it out.


What is left on your plate that you have to balance? :confused:

I get what you’re saying about everything being loud and unbearable at this age... but I’m starting to see through the fog... this isn’t even as intense as it would have been if I opened up to myself about my feelings for her, a few years ago. I’m still capable of functioning normally without having her or my feelings on my mind 24/7.

See? You CAN see progress from a few years ago. Have faith that in a few more years, you will be even more adept at handling this stuff. It is OK to still be growing in that area. Be ok having growing pains.

It’s just in the times that I do think about her, I don’t know what to do and it’s so overwhelming and painful.

Enjoying thinking about her. That's what you could do. Keep it way simpler on yourself. Enjoy the thought, without passing judgement on it, getting carried away with it, evaluating it, or doing "what if this? what if that" to it.

See if that feels better. Notice it, enjoy it, let it pass.

And become willing to pay the price of admission -- some dings of wistfulness as you wait for the overall crush to fade down.

Stop resisting it so much. Whether sunny days or stormy skies? Emotional weather all passes. Some new feeling comes along. Learn to weather it out less "stiff" about it.

I wish everything could just go back to how it was, but I feel like that type of thinking is going to lead to me suppressing my feelings again.

Again... you don't have to suppress. It's ok to express "Man, this is rough patch. I wish it was easier!" and similar. Why not?

Just express appropriately and to the right people if you decide to talk to others about it. Pick the RIGHT others. Those outside the system -- not Abel, not Serenity. One kvetches OUT.

Everyone also doesn't have to know EVERYTHING. Some people need to know few things. Some need to know some more of the things. Few people need to know ALL the things.

Like diarrhea.

I have to tell my kids "Nope. Not going to the theme park as planned. Bumping to next week or so. I have the runs." So they can understand what happened.

Spouse? He gets a little more than the kids cuz he's in charge of shopping. He'll get extra data like "Please get another pack of TP and these things for me to eat because I cannot take regular food right now."

And my doctor would get details as to shape, color, consistency, how often, what I've been eating, etc. Not that the doctor LOVES to hear this, but they HAVE to know these things to help dx if it didn't clear on its own. Do kids and hubby need all that poo detail? Nope.

Kids need a little, spouse needs more than that. ( I think Abel is in one of those levels.)

Does my neighbor or mailman need to know? They don't need to know AT ALL. (I think that is the level Serenity is in.)

I’ll try looking up about letting go of unrequited crushes...

Do give it a try. I wasn't seriously searching and found this one. I'm confident you could find others.

I’ll be seeing my own psychologist sometime in the near future though, after I finish my paperwork appointment at my clinic.

Fair enough. Sometimes one has to "shop" for doctors to get the right fit and bedside manner.

I hope you feel better over time.

Galagirl
 
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Note: I’m gonna type these out as I read each reply, and respond accordingly, so you may notice some active thought processes changing and progressing as you read.


To Kevin,

Thank you for responding, I appreciate your optimism!

I think it fills my heart with joy just to consider it a possibility that Serenity could reciprocate my feelings. I realized literally before I opened my email to check on this forum update, that I was starting to suppress my feelings again... that I was feeling distant and cold, and starting to treat everyone around me like that, despite myself.

I know myself well enough to know that I won’t be very healthy mentally until I get closure somehow. I’m not sure if that means telling Serenity how I feel, or just working through my emotions myself... but thanks to your thoughts about life working out in different ways... you’ve really helped me. I’d been trying to remind myself of what it is I believe more than anything—what I have put in my signature... but it’s hard to just remind yourself, you know? So thank you, sincerely.





To kittyxuchiha11,

I’m glad someone can directly relate to me in regards to the long distant friend-to-crush situation. Thank you for replying.

I think you’ve touched on something I am really worried about...
i never got the sort of closure i needed about them and to this day it still feels incredibly strange to talk to them.

I don’t want this to happen but I don’t know how it would be avoided if I don’t tell her how I feel. I already feel strange talking to her just in this past week after acknowledging my feelings for her. I have a lot to think about, and I’m sure you’re right that it’ll become more clear with time.

As for the long distance issue, honestly, part of it was probably just that I was too young and didn’t know how to cope. It was on and off for five years, with the first person with whom I’d ever had an intimate relationship. We gave it our all each time, but each time, I felt like my needs were just not being met, I suppose. The typical LDR pain of not getting to be in each other’s arms, etc. We had great communication; I’ve been a stickler about that in all of my relationships—even just friendly and familiar ones. My strongest belief about relationships specifically is that “communication is key.” This ex, though, I had met in person, and we became long distance after first stating our relationship. We tried time and time again, but it was always me who couldn’t handle it. I think the thing that always got to me the most was that, well, like I said, we were so young, literally kids... we had no control over where we were or where we could go. We couldn’t make plans to meet with each other from time to time. And even with the most recent attempt, we were still in high school, and we had different plans in regard to college... and we couldn’t rely on those plans to begin with, because everything was so up in the air with each of our lives. Ugh. I think, if I were to enter into another LDR, we would absolutely have to be on the same page regarding when we would be able to close the distance, and really work towards that goal together.

In regards to Abel’s reaction... you might be right about giving it a shot... I think I’m realizing that I’d rather not have what if’s for the rest of my life.

Thank you again for your response, and for wishing me luck too!




To Dagferi,

No apologies necessary, I really did appreciate it all! I understand where you’re coming from. I’m so sorry you have so much on your plate. I hope you can find some peace and time to relax every once in a while, when you need it most. I can’t begin to imagine what it’s like to battle cancer... I hope you have all the tools and resources necessary to make your fight successful.

Thank you again.




To GalaGirl,

The reason I want to ask Abel again what his truest feelings are is because he’s contradicting himself in some ways, and I want him to be clear. It seems like you’re hyper focused on what your understanding of his feelings are, rather than the words he actually said. He did actually say he’s “not entirely opposed” and he’s “more optimistic than before,” but then he also said all that stuff about preventing it, and that he wants to talk about it later. I just want to make sure there’s no room for misunderstanding or miscommunication... not that I’m holding onto the idea that he’ll change his mind.

You sound like inside you know it's not a runner and like the problem is HOW to let it go.

I think this could be accurate, but... with everything you said about “pre-worrying,” as well... I feel like “knowing it’s not a runner” could also just be pre-worrying. They’re all just what if situations, after all. And I think optimism goes a long way in life in general.

I think right now I’m leaning more towards telling her. The kvetching circle system doesn’t make any sense to me in this situation if I’m completely honest, even with the diarrhea analogy... I just don’t think the system applies. Actually, the diarrhea analogy makes it even more confusing because that has nothing to do with complaining. It’s just informing people of what’s going on. Regarding my own emotions, Serenity is not in a center circle of which I am in the outer. That just doesn’t make sense. I feel like I’ve got to be misinterpreting you. Could you clarify?

Thank you for replying again.



To Karen (FallenAngelina),

No, I haven’t met Serenity in person yet. We plan to meet in October or November of next year, to celebrate our tenth year of friendship. I know to a lot of people it comes off as crazy or unbelievable or naive to fall in love with someone before meeting in person... and I think someone in this thread has mentioned being in love with the “idea” of Serenity rather than her actual person... but it’s just not true. I do know it would be best to meet in person a few times before entering into a relationship... part of me is considering waiting to tell her about my feelings (if I do) until after we meet in person. But I have the utmost confidence in our compatibility, at least friend-wise, and my feelings for her as a person are very real. I don’t feel like I have to prove my love to anyone reading this, but I will say that I care about her and want her to be happy. And I feel like I could make her even happier, if she reciprocated my feelings and we were in a relationship. I love everything I know about her so far and I’m absolutely and always have been eager to learn more, as much as I can.





Thank you to everyone, again, for all of your advice and replies.
 
Sure. I can try to clarify.

I think this could be accurate, but... with everything you said about “pre-worrying,” as well... I feel like “knowing it’s not a runner” could also just be pre-worrying.

If it were me in this situation? Watching my partner Abel go back and forth? Noticing he’s contradicting himself in some ways, and I want him to be clear?

That may mean he needs more time. Without me asking him things.

So me deciding "it is not a runner at this time" solves it enough for now. And I can drop it. Give him time and space.

Sorry those analogies didn't work for you. What I was trying to get at is that information doesn't have to be at the same level across all persons at all times. Not because you are lying or anything. But because of THINK. Maybe that is a better tool? (You may have to hunt around for others that resonate more with you.)

Before you speak, THINK

  • Is it (T)rue?
  • Is it (H)elpful?
  • Is it (I)nspiring?
  • Is it (N)ecessary?
  • Is it (K)ind?


You are dating Abel. You are not ABLE to date more people right now. Because you are currently in a monogamous relationship agreement. That is the center of the information circle. You and Able have to change agreements first. That has not happened.

So telling Serenity you crush on her right now...

  • It is true. You do have a crush.
  • I don't think it's helpful to share that with her at this time -- esp since she's in finals week and she's planning on having a talk with BF and maybe breaking up with him.
  • I don't know if it is inspiring.
  • I don't think it is necessary at this time. It could wait some. Or not ever be told.
  • I don't think it is kind to put cart before horse and start pursuing Serenity before getting clearer with Abel. He sounds like he needs more time to digest.

If you start telling Serenity crush things right now? That's getting ahead of yourself. She may not need to know right now. It's not ruining the friendship any to not share that with her right now.

You could go the other way and tell her now. Choose to let the chips fall where they may.

That's another way to go. I wouldn't choose that, but you are your own person. You have to decide what works for YOU.

Galagirl
 
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No, I haven’t met Serenity in person yet. We plan to meet in October or November of next year, to celebrate our tenth year of friendship. I know to a lot of people it comes off as crazy or unbelievable or naive to fall in love with someone before meeting in person... and I think someone in this thread has mentioned being in love with the “idea” of Serenity rather than her actual person... but it’s just not true. I do know it would be best to meet in person a few times before entering into a relationship... part of me is considering waiting to tell her about my feelings (if I do) until after we meet in person. But I have the utmost confidence in our compatibility, at least friend-wise, and my feelings for her as a person are very real. I don’t feel like I have to prove my love to anyone reading this, but I will say that I care about her and want her to be happy. And I feel like I could make her even happier, if she reciprocated my feelings and we were in a relationship. I love everything I know about her so far and I’m absolutely and always have been eager to learn more, as much as I can.

I guess I'll be the bad guy here because I feel that it really needs to be said, whether or not you're willing to hear it.

We all thought that the assumptions that older people made about us were wrong. We all thought, in some way, that we were more mature, or smarter, or would buck the odds for whatever other reason. That the things people are cautioning us about just don't apply to us. They don't understand. We're DIFFERENT.

That's part of the way brains work when we are young. We don't have the life experience to know what we're talking about, but we think we do. I don't normally generalize but I would really bet that the vast, vast majority of people here felt the same way about something growing up.

But the reason people are still saying stuff like that? Because it's actually true. Most of us were wrong. Those pitfalls up ahead? They applied to us, just like they did to everyone else. Did some people avoid them? Yes, but that's why they are the exception, not the rule. And there really is no way to know if you're the exception, because everyone thinks they are.

Everyone here is trying to caution you because we're trying to help, and the stuff you're replying with is pretty much textbook for a young person without a lot of relationship/life experience. In ten years, you will look back on the you of now and remember how you agonized over this and it wasn't worth the stress.

You're going to do what you're going to do, but I hope you'll find something in this to take away. I didn't listen; I got married to my "true love" at 22 after 4 years of dating. Guess what? Everyone was right. We were too young, and we changed as we got older, and became incompatible. There was no rush to get married and maybe this could have been avoided. But the bottom line is, we weren't smarter than everyone else, and we weren't the exceptions.

Very likely, neither are you. I hope you hear me in the spirit I intend, and not that I'm trying to be mean. Just feeling rather blunt this morning myself. Hopefully you can get a hold of your sanity again.
 
Nothing is real until you meet and spend some time together.

She could have habits that are huge deal breakers.

She could be a nose picker, a slob, a neat freak, hate cats dogs kids..have other habits or beliefs that do not mesh with yours. You have no idea. I have met many a person who seemed awesome online both platonic and possible romantic to find they were like nails on a chalkboard in person. Some of these people I knew for years...

Sorry hun you are in love with an idea of what she is likem not the real person.
 
I know to a lot of people it comes off as crazy or unbelievable or naive to fall in love with someone before meeting in person... and I think someone in this thread has mentioned being in love with the “idea” of Serenity rather than her actual person... but it’s just not true. ...my feelings for her as a person are very real.

Many people have had the experience of falling in love online and those feelings are absolutely real. No dispute there. But you actually cannot say yet whether it's true or not that you're in love with who she really is. You won't be able to say that until you have spent a good amount of time with her in person. Your feelings right now are real, but they are based on a limited experience of her, so you really cannot know for sure that you love her "actual person."

As for declaring your love for her, I say: Why not? Go for it! Trying to psych out the people involved in efforts to orchestrate the "best" outcome can get ridiculous. So what if it's an inopportune time? Why not just tell her how you feel? When someone is not into you, there's nothing you can say to turn them in your favor. When someone is into you, there's nothing you can say that's wrong. Don't get all balled up in analysis, go ahead and be honest and brave and declare your love. There's really nothing to lose. If she is not into you "that way," you really never had that magical something with her, anyway. If she is into you, then you both can move forward in a new joy together.
 
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I guess I'll be the bad guy here because I feel that it really needs to be said, whether or not you're willing to hear it.

I want to be clear that I am NOT disagreeing with you Vicki82 - I do think that young adults discount the advice of older adults BUT I also see a lot of older adults giving young adults very biased and outdated advice. How is one supposed to sort it out?

We all thought that the assumptions that older people made about us were wrong. We all thought, in some way, that we were more mature, or smarter, or would buck the odds for whatever other reason. That the things people are cautioning us about just don't apply to us. They don't understand. We're DIFFERENT.

Yes, and, but - we are all ACTUALLY different - their values and priorities are NOT necessarily my values and priorities...I knew that I was poly at 12, 22, and 44. I knew that I was bisexual at 18, 36, etc. Everyone told me that it was a "phase" - 2 decades later, the "phase" is still going strong!

That's part of the way brains work when we are young. We don't have the life experience to know what we're talking about, but we think we do. I don't normally generalize but I would really bet that the vast, vast majority of people here felt the same way about something growing up.

Yes, and we learn as we grow up that we DO have some insight about ourselves that other, older, adults are missing. So we also learn that not every older adult's experience applies to us directly.


But the reason people are still saying stuff like that? Because it's actually true. Most of us were wrong. Those pitfalls up ahead? They applied to us, just like they did to everyone else. Did some people avoid them? Yes, but that's why they are the exception, not the rule. And there really is no way to know if you're the exception, because everyone thinks they are.

Yes, many of us were wrong, and few of us were right. This is how growth and change occurs! (Thank goodness!)



Everyone here is trying to caution you because we're trying to help, and the stuff you're replying with is pretty much textbook for a young person without a lot of relationship/life experience. In ten years, you will look back on the you of now and remember how you agonized over this and it wasn't worth the stress.

No, it isn't worth the stress, but it may be a developmental stage that each of us HAS to experience for ourselves.

You're going to do what you're going to do, but I hope you'll find something in this to take away. I didn't listen; I got married to my "true love" at 22 after 4 years of dating. Guess what? Everyone was right. We were too young, and we changed as we got older, and became incompatible. There was no rush to get married and maybe this could have been avoided. But the bottom line is, we weren't smarter than everyone else, and we weren't the exceptions.

AND, the counterpoint, I got married to MrS at 22 after 4 years of dating (including 2 years of living together). And, 22 years later, it was the right decision (for that time). BUT, we had the poly conversation, and the bisexual conversation, and the "what marriage means to us" conversation. We may have been the exception, but I don't think that we were smarter than everyone else - we had just done our homework!
 
I do think that young adults discount the advice of older adults BUT I also see a lot of older adults giving young adults very biased and outdated advice.

All advice is biased, really. It can only be based our personal experience. Everyone offers her advice from her own perspective, which is by nature biased. I'm curious what advice you read here that seems outdated. The only advice I would consider outdated is the random comment that online dating doesn't work - and that comment usually comes from younger forum members!
 
All advice is biased, really. It can only be based our personal experience. Everyone offers her advice from her own perspective, which is by nature biased. I'm curious what advice you read here that seems outdated. The only advice I would consider outdated is the random comment that online dating doesn't work - and that comment usually comes from younger forum members!

I'm sorry, I was unclear. I was not referring to advice that I have seen given here. Overall, I find the advice given here is of significantly higher value than advice I see doled out elsewhere - by parents, relatives, educators, doctors, ministers, "advice columnists", politicians, etc. So, when you consider all of the "bad" advice that young adults are exposed to, it is unsurprising to me that young adults might be leery of yet another "older and wiser" adult telling them "how it is" (even when we are clearly right - :p).
 
Ah, I see. Well, Jane, that holds for older folks as it does for younger. There's plenty of advice flung freely at every turn, especially if a person spends any time on the internet. We must all sift through piles of unhelpful advice that only further entrench us in unhappiness. We all have to actively search for the voices that help move us to where we want to be. I'm glad to hear that you find this forum community to generally be a source of helpful perspectives. I do, too.
 
I can't see much to add to the above posts, except that the work you are doing right now is good work.
You are asking yourself important questions and communicating with your partner.

No matter how things shake out, you will grow.

Take time to breathe. There's no deadline for your decisions, although I know from experience it all feels very urgent to figure out right now!
 
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