Hi everyone, I’ve read through a few advice-seeking posts on this section of the forum... and there’s been some really great advice that I wouldn’t have thought of myself... so, here I am, begging on my knees. Someone please help me get ahold of my sanity!
Quick Relevant About Me: I’m a 20-year-old cisgender female living near the Gulf Coast in the United States.
I met this girl Serenity online about 9 years ago. She’s a year younger than me. Yeah I know, it was way too super young to be online, but that’s in the past and it’s something I would teach my kids not to do lol. Anyway, we clicked really fast, and we became absolute best friends almost overnight.
Fast forward maybe two years, I confessed my love to her—still pretty young, only 12 or 13 years old. Basically, we both dismissed it as a temporary crush and never talked about it again.
Ever since, I’ve, for the most part, denied and suppressed my romantic feelings and desire for her... until this past week. I’ve also only just recently (within the past several months) learned about polyamory and finally accepted the belief that it’s actually okay to feel romantic love and desire for more than one person at a time, you know, as long as I don’t act on anything without everyone’s general consent.
I have a boyfriend (Abel) currently, and we’re in a very committed, loving, monogamous relationship right now. Serenity is in a 5-year-long monogamous, heterosexual relationship... but she’s been feeling unsure. She has confided in me her various anxieties about her relationship, including her lack of romantic feelings for him at the moment (which she said has been going on since this summer), as well as their lack of healthy communication (which she said has been going on since the beginning). She’s postponed talking to him about these insecurities until after this semester of college is over (December 17th), because she doesn’t want to deal with all the stress of college finals combined with her relationship issues.
I guess that was all just the background, and what I’m seeking advice for is about ALL these issues:
Specific to my boyfriend...
- I’ve talked to my boyfriend (Abel) about polyamory and he’s open to further discussion, but not super keen on my idea. My thoughts on the perfect relationship would be a triad (not a vee), because I’m not interested in a hierarchy type of setup (and I want them to experience the love they each give me, but I wouldn’t be bothered by them having other relationships outside of the triad/vee). Anyway, I love them both equally, and I’d like to be able to display my affection for and prioritize them equally. That would mean building a life with both of them, and not living two separate lives of my own. Again, this is just a personal preference and not what I would expect out of them. The problem with that idea for Abel, though, is that his family is a bit traditional and he doesn’t want to disappoint his parents. In other words, he prefers monogamy and he did mention at one point that he felt like it would be unfair for him to practice monogamy with me but for me to practice polyamory at the same time... but he’s seemingly moved past that thought process now, since he said that if he and Serenity were to develop romantic feelings for each other, then he would obviously have that talk with his parents and whatnot... but basically he’d prefer to avoid/prevent that circumstance from developing at all.
Specific to Serenity...
- When I told Serenity all those years ago about my feelings for her, she hadn’t even developed her sexuality yet. She’d never even had a crush on someone before. And her current boyfriend, Braden, is the first person she’s ever had a relationship with. Even if they were to break up, I don’t actually know if she’d be attracted to me, or even if she’s attracted to the female sex in general.
- To make matters worse, she lives halfway across the country from me, near the Pacific Coast. If she were to reciprocate my romantic feelings and desire for her (and Abel were to accept just me being polyamorous at the very least), I truly don’t know how we would make anything work. I’ve been in one “on-off” long distance relationship before, and each time, I was utterly miserable even though I had an otherwise very healthy and loving relationship with that person. Long distance romantic relationships are just not for me, despite my ability to maintain the lasting friendship I have had with Serenity.
- If she wanted to move to my city after breaking up with Braden (which isn’t super far fetched, she doesn’t have much in regards to emotional support and friends in her hometown besides him), I don’t know how we would figure that out. She could live on campus for school maybe, but that out of state tuition is intense. She could move in with me and Abel once we get our own place, but I’m not sure how that would work if they weren’t considering the possibility of entering into a triad relationship.
My questions...
All in all, I just don’t know what to do. Should I even bother telling her how I feel? Abel says that whether or not her and Braden break up, I should at least get everything off my chest. If that’s true, should I wait until everything is settled between them? Or should I tell her only if they break up and after she has had proper time to grieve and heal? Or on the other hand, should I just get it out before she tells Braden about her insecurities, so that if she does reciprocate my feelings, she would be able to consider everything at once right now? If I shouldn’t tell her at all, how do I remain friends with her, without completely losing my sanity and feeling heartbroken all the time like I do right now? I’m so confused and I’m really hurting... I really need some advice and insight. I feel like no one around me really understands everything going on that’s just scrambling around in my mind right now...
I hope all of that was cohesive and coherent... but I guess I should put this here just in case.
TL;DR
I have a monogamous boyfriend (Abel) currently, who is willing to further discuss a polyamorous relationship depending on the response I get from my long distance best friend Serenity, who I have just begun to acknowledge that I am and have been in love with for 7-8 years... but her sexual orientation is not certain to me, and she is currently experiencing conflict in her monogamous, straight relationship. The odds of her reciprocating my feelings seem to be low, and it would be very difficult to make a relationship work even if she did, but... should I tell her how I feel anyway? If not, how do I remain friends with her without losing my sanity?
P.S. I’ve changed all the names of the people I mentioned in this post.
Quick Relevant About Me: I’m a 20-year-old cisgender female living near the Gulf Coast in the United States.
I met this girl Serenity online about 9 years ago. She’s a year younger than me. Yeah I know, it was way too super young to be online, but that’s in the past and it’s something I would teach my kids not to do lol. Anyway, we clicked really fast, and we became absolute best friends almost overnight.
Fast forward maybe two years, I confessed my love to her—still pretty young, only 12 or 13 years old. Basically, we both dismissed it as a temporary crush and never talked about it again.
Ever since, I’ve, for the most part, denied and suppressed my romantic feelings and desire for her... until this past week. I’ve also only just recently (within the past several months) learned about polyamory and finally accepted the belief that it’s actually okay to feel romantic love and desire for more than one person at a time, you know, as long as I don’t act on anything without everyone’s general consent.
I have a boyfriend (Abel) currently, and we’re in a very committed, loving, monogamous relationship right now. Serenity is in a 5-year-long monogamous, heterosexual relationship... but she’s been feeling unsure. She has confided in me her various anxieties about her relationship, including her lack of romantic feelings for him at the moment (which she said has been going on since this summer), as well as their lack of healthy communication (which she said has been going on since the beginning). She’s postponed talking to him about these insecurities until after this semester of college is over (December 17th), because she doesn’t want to deal with all the stress of college finals combined with her relationship issues.
I guess that was all just the background, and what I’m seeking advice for is about ALL these issues:
Specific to my boyfriend...
- I’ve talked to my boyfriend (Abel) about polyamory and he’s open to further discussion, but not super keen on my idea. My thoughts on the perfect relationship would be a triad (not a vee), because I’m not interested in a hierarchy type of setup (and I want them to experience the love they each give me, but I wouldn’t be bothered by them having other relationships outside of the triad/vee). Anyway, I love them both equally, and I’d like to be able to display my affection for and prioritize them equally. That would mean building a life with both of them, and not living two separate lives of my own. Again, this is just a personal preference and not what I would expect out of them. The problem with that idea for Abel, though, is that his family is a bit traditional and he doesn’t want to disappoint his parents. In other words, he prefers monogamy and he did mention at one point that he felt like it would be unfair for him to practice monogamy with me but for me to practice polyamory at the same time... but he’s seemingly moved past that thought process now, since he said that if he and Serenity were to develop romantic feelings for each other, then he would obviously have that talk with his parents and whatnot... but basically he’d prefer to avoid/prevent that circumstance from developing at all.
Specific to Serenity...
- When I told Serenity all those years ago about my feelings for her, she hadn’t even developed her sexuality yet. She’d never even had a crush on someone before. And her current boyfriend, Braden, is the first person she’s ever had a relationship with. Even if they were to break up, I don’t actually know if she’d be attracted to me, or even if she’s attracted to the female sex in general.
- To make matters worse, she lives halfway across the country from me, near the Pacific Coast. If she were to reciprocate my romantic feelings and desire for her (and Abel were to accept just me being polyamorous at the very least), I truly don’t know how we would make anything work. I’ve been in one “on-off” long distance relationship before, and each time, I was utterly miserable even though I had an otherwise very healthy and loving relationship with that person. Long distance romantic relationships are just not for me, despite my ability to maintain the lasting friendship I have had with Serenity.
- If she wanted to move to my city after breaking up with Braden (which isn’t super far fetched, she doesn’t have much in regards to emotional support and friends in her hometown besides him), I don’t know how we would figure that out. She could live on campus for school maybe, but that out of state tuition is intense. She could move in with me and Abel once we get our own place, but I’m not sure how that would work if they weren’t considering the possibility of entering into a triad relationship.
My questions...
All in all, I just don’t know what to do. Should I even bother telling her how I feel? Abel says that whether or not her and Braden break up, I should at least get everything off my chest. If that’s true, should I wait until everything is settled between them? Or should I tell her only if they break up and after she has had proper time to grieve and heal? Or on the other hand, should I just get it out before she tells Braden about her insecurities, so that if she does reciprocate my feelings, she would be able to consider everything at once right now? If I shouldn’t tell her at all, how do I remain friends with her, without completely losing my sanity and feeling heartbroken all the time like I do right now? I’m so confused and I’m really hurting... I really need some advice and insight. I feel like no one around me really understands everything going on that’s just scrambling around in my mind right now...
I hope all of that was cohesive and coherent... but I guess I should put this here just in case.
TL;DR
I have a monogamous boyfriend (Abel) currently, who is willing to further discuss a polyamorous relationship depending on the response I get from my long distance best friend Serenity, who I have just begun to acknowledge that I am and have been in love with for 7-8 years... but her sexual orientation is not certain to me, and she is currently experiencing conflict in her monogamous, straight relationship. The odds of her reciprocating my feelings seem to be low, and it would be very difficult to make a relationship work even if she did, but... should I tell her how I feel anyway? If not, how do I remain friends with her without losing my sanity?
P.S. I’ve changed all the names of the people I mentioned in this post.