BathedInSalt
New member
I'm trying to make sense of some things, but I need help picking them apart. I need a good talk-think with people who know what I'm talking about. thank you in advance.
I'm seeing MyDate fairly often, coming up on our 5th date.
Here's what bothers me about that sentence: "fairly often" what does that even mean? Is once a week often? Is it often enough for me?
I'm trying to figure out what I need in a relationship to feel bonded, to feel connection growing.
I'm trying to figure out what resources I have to date: time, money
"5th date": why am I counting? why do I feel the more time we spend together the more I "owe" him? (do I really think this? It's definitely lurking back there) I understand this is unhealthy, I'm pretty sure this is monogamy conditioning relationship escalator stuff. I don't want to feel obligation. I want to feel what's true to me.
The situation with BlueEyes hurt my heart. (fell HARD for a mono guy not down with poly)
I don't typically wall off my heart after I experience pain (not that I'm aware of). I'm typically brave at being vulnerable, knowing that I will most likely get hurt, knowing that pain can be part of it. I'm wondering if choosing how much something hurts me is more up to me than I think or if that's also putting up walls. Or are those walls boundaries?
Should I have started dating before feeling "over" BlueEyes? Is that fair to MyDate?
I have many questions for MyDate. We have yet to have one of those "what are we" talks. I'm wondering if that's something I need to do? I'm wondering if I'm "too serious" about this dating and relating business and if it would be healthy to be more easy going. Wondering if "intensity" is a personality trait or something that will change over time. I think I just need some points for triangulation from MyDate so I'm not floating in space and I do intend on asking him.
If partners can't handle my intensity then they can't handle me? Is that a boundary I can set? Like a take it or leave it kinda situation? For reasonable things, like healthy personality traits.
Sex: it's meaning has changed several times over the course of my life. It's so loaded with what I was raised to believe about it (strict Christian upbringing), what I came to think ( I'll only sleep with people who love me) to having sex for fun with people I new cared about me but weren't "in love" with me or had any kind of commitment to me. I will admit that I've never been so careful about having sex as I am now, I don't mean in a safe sex kinda way, but in an emotionally safe kinda way. I'll try to explain: Neither my husband nor I have had sex with anyone else yet. I'm afraid Dean will get hurt, more hurt than he knows and will withdraw from me. Clam up.
If I sleep with MyDate I will feel closer to him, that's just what will happen.
Sex is a sign of affection to me and if affection becomes that intimate I will feel things in my heart.
Sex is also just for fun, but never just for fun with someone I already have feelings for (other than lust). I'm not saying sex isn't mostly for fun with my committed partner because it is, but it's also not without emotional bonding like it has been for me with just friends.
For these reasons I have a couple thoughts:
What if I have sex with MyDate, become more bonded to him, Dean freaks out and clams up? What kind of heartache have I opened us all up for?
I need to know what sex means to MyDate.
I think I just figured out why I'm more interested in having sex with the poly tall fireman I've been chatting up: There'a an amount of caring about the other's well being, but mostly a ton of chemistry and lust......because I can have sex with that person and not open my heart to them. That can be just for fun. That's a situation where Dean and I don't have to navigate me having real feelings for someone else.
Sex with someone I'm developing feelings for is scary. Is it just because I want to avoid heartache?
I have been giving thought to the end of relationships, they all have them. It makes sense that some relationships are shorter than others, but that they aren't any less important or quality. I'm shifting my perspective to that because it makes sense, but my heart has to catch up.
Do I need Dean to be ready for me to have sex with my partners before I have sex with them? How does that remove autonomy from me and consent from my partner? Now my current partner (MyDate) is fully aware of where Dean and I are at in our poly transition from mono and I can talk to MyDate so as long as that's happening then he can make his own decisions and it's all cool? Is it up to Dean to deal with the things that twinge him? I want to say no, that I should change my behavior to provide him space to work out his insecurities, but is that true?
Is this a negotiation/boundary/rule thing?
Dean and I agree that we want to get to a place where we are free to navigate our other relationships as we see fit. We do trust one another, we trust in our relationship. There are still many unknowns, we are still learning. The unknowns are what will our reactions be, gut feelings.
He's still trying to figure out what to do while I'm on a date, am I even being fair bringing up sex with others? Of course if I felt it was going to be way out of left field I wouldn't have brought it up.
Here's something I'm coming to grips with: I like MyDate, like...like like him....sex will complicate things in my heart. I feel the need be honest with him about that.
I don't love everything about him, he doesn't push all the right buttons, but I like to see his smile, his voice on the phone makes my heart warm, I find myself thinking of him more often each week, I look forward to our dates, we have chemistry. I do want to express my affection physically.
Do I need to like everything about him as long as I don't hate anything about him? Does he need to push all the right buttons? Is this leftover thinking from trying to find "the one"? How is this also not piecing together a "frankenpartner"?
I didn't mean to attach myself to the first nice poly guy that came along, could that be what's happened and am I ok with that?
Logistically I do not have the time or money to date more than one other person right now, do I want that person to be MyDate? I'm investing in relationships with Dean, SoulSister, my kids, myself, and my numerous friends.
Is my perspective flawed? Should I even be dating?
What am I doing?
What. am. I. doing.
p.s. happy eclipse, it's starting to look pretty neat here
I'm seeing MyDate fairly often, coming up on our 5th date.
Here's what bothers me about that sentence: "fairly often" what does that even mean? Is once a week often? Is it often enough for me?
I'm trying to figure out what I need in a relationship to feel bonded, to feel connection growing.
I'm trying to figure out what resources I have to date: time, money
"5th date": why am I counting? why do I feel the more time we spend together the more I "owe" him? (do I really think this? It's definitely lurking back there) I understand this is unhealthy, I'm pretty sure this is monogamy conditioning relationship escalator stuff. I don't want to feel obligation. I want to feel what's true to me.
The situation with BlueEyes hurt my heart. (fell HARD for a mono guy not down with poly)
I don't typically wall off my heart after I experience pain (not that I'm aware of). I'm typically brave at being vulnerable, knowing that I will most likely get hurt, knowing that pain can be part of it. I'm wondering if choosing how much something hurts me is more up to me than I think or if that's also putting up walls. Or are those walls boundaries?
Should I have started dating before feeling "over" BlueEyes? Is that fair to MyDate?
I have many questions for MyDate. We have yet to have one of those "what are we" talks. I'm wondering if that's something I need to do? I'm wondering if I'm "too serious" about this dating and relating business and if it would be healthy to be more easy going. Wondering if "intensity" is a personality trait or something that will change over time. I think I just need some points for triangulation from MyDate so I'm not floating in space and I do intend on asking him.
If partners can't handle my intensity then they can't handle me? Is that a boundary I can set? Like a take it or leave it kinda situation? For reasonable things, like healthy personality traits.
Sex: it's meaning has changed several times over the course of my life. It's so loaded with what I was raised to believe about it (strict Christian upbringing), what I came to think ( I'll only sleep with people who love me) to having sex for fun with people I new cared about me but weren't "in love" with me or had any kind of commitment to me. I will admit that I've never been so careful about having sex as I am now, I don't mean in a safe sex kinda way, but in an emotionally safe kinda way. I'll try to explain: Neither my husband nor I have had sex with anyone else yet. I'm afraid Dean will get hurt, more hurt than he knows and will withdraw from me. Clam up.
If I sleep with MyDate I will feel closer to him, that's just what will happen.
Sex is a sign of affection to me and if affection becomes that intimate I will feel things in my heart.
Sex is also just for fun, but never just for fun with someone I already have feelings for (other than lust). I'm not saying sex isn't mostly for fun with my committed partner because it is, but it's also not without emotional bonding like it has been for me with just friends.
For these reasons I have a couple thoughts:
What if I have sex with MyDate, become more bonded to him, Dean freaks out and clams up? What kind of heartache have I opened us all up for?
I need to know what sex means to MyDate.
I think I just figured out why I'm more interested in having sex with the poly tall fireman I've been chatting up: There'a an amount of caring about the other's well being, but mostly a ton of chemistry and lust......because I can have sex with that person and not open my heart to them. That can be just for fun. That's a situation where Dean and I don't have to navigate me having real feelings for someone else.
Sex with someone I'm developing feelings for is scary. Is it just because I want to avoid heartache?
I have been giving thought to the end of relationships, they all have them. It makes sense that some relationships are shorter than others, but that they aren't any less important or quality. I'm shifting my perspective to that because it makes sense, but my heart has to catch up.
Do I need Dean to be ready for me to have sex with my partners before I have sex with them? How does that remove autonomy from me and consent from my partner? Now my current partner (MyDate) is fully aware of where Dean and I are at in our poly transition from mono and I can talk to MyDate so as long as that's happening then he can make his own decisions and it's all cool? Is it up to Dean to deal with the things that twinge him? I want to say no, that I should change my behavior to provide him space to work out his insecurities, but is that true?
Is this a negotiation/boundary/rule thing?
Dean and I agree that we want to get to a place where we are free to navigate our other relationships as we see fit. We do trust one another, we trust in our relationship. There are still many unknowns, we are still learning. The unknowns are what will our reactions be, gut feelings.
He's still trying to figure out what to do while I'm on a date, am I even being fair bringing up sex with others? Of course if I felt it was going to be way out of left field I wouldn't have brought it up.
Here's something I'm coming to grips with: I like MyDate, like...like like him....sex will complicate things in my heart. I feel the need be honest with him about that.
I don't love everything about him, he doesn't push all the right buttons, but I like to see his smile, his voice on the phone makes my heart warm, I find myself thinking of him more often each week, I look forward to our dates, we have chemistry. I do want to express my affection physically.
Do I need to like everything about him as long as I don't hate anything about him? Does he need to push all the right buttons? Is this leftover thinking from trying to find "the one"? How is this also not piecing together a "frankenpartner"?
I didn't mean to attach myself to the first nice poly guy that came along, could that be what's happened and am I ok with that?
Logistically I do not have the time or money to date more than one other person right now, do I want that person to be MyDate? I'm investing in relationships with Dean, SoulSister, my kids, myself, and my numerous friends.
Is my perspective flawed? Should I even be dating?
What am I doing?
What. am. I. doing.
p.s. happy eclipse, it's starting to look pretty neat here