I could be wrong. But some of this is just weird sounding to me. And not logical.
I'm not saying to make mountains out of molehills, but I hope this whole thing gives you pause for reflection.
He wanted me to tell him where I was going and what my plans were going to be. And I know that the reason for that is because he tends to be a very worrying person. He's lost a lot of people close to him recently.
So... he struggles with emotional management?
Him dealing with recent deaths (???) or him worrying about your whereabouts is his excuse for his behavior? Him getting all up in your private sex business with Blue and then acting out at you?
Why do you allow this? Like... why did you even agree to this in the first place? All these check ins?
Are you supposed to be his life raft?
If he worries THIS much... what's he doing with LDR? Could decide for himself "I dislike LDR, it pushes all my worry buttons, so I'm just not gonna do those."
So when he didn't hear from me like he normally does, he feared that the worst had happened when it came to me as well, and something had happened to me the night before. A bit overdramatic, but I can understand the whole worry thing. Doesn't necessarily mean he's justified in accusing me of cheating in my opinion, though.
So when he's full of feelings... he chooses to act out at you? Either wanting to monitor your sex life with your other partner, or fretting about your whereabouts? Or calling you names like "cheater"?
He also mentioned that us planning to have kids influenced his want of this as well- he feels that some people *can* function this way but it's simply not sustainable and not smart when there are children involved because the honesty and integrity about who we're with needs to be there otherwise it can become a toxic situation for the children.
You can see this is
weird to bring up, right?
Like if you have future children, you have to keep on checking in with Red to tell him before you are going to have sex with Blue, your established partner. Because if you
don't agree to do this, you are not honest and have no integrity. And it's toxic to children.
Um... say WHAT?
When really... what happened here?
You drank too much and didn't want to drive and too late to find a ride. So you did the responsible thing to stay safe. You spent the night with Blue, your other partner. And you shared sex. No surprise and not hurting anything. Blue is an established partner. You would have tried to check in, but Red was asleep. LDR time zones. And some of it was plans changing last minute. You checked in later.
If Red worries so much about your well being, why isn't he expressing he feels GLAD that you did the right thing in not driving drunk, and that you picked a safe person to be with? And yeah, bummer about not knowing before, but understandable due to late hour and plans changing last minute. Thanks for checking in as soon as you reasonably could.
Like... why such a big deal?
Because if something happened to you like a drunk accident? What could Red do about it from LDR? I assume you have local friends/family to deal with emergencies. Blue would prob be among them.
And how is it even cheating if he knows you have this other established partner already? You and Blue just can't have any privacy in that dyad? Red has to know you are going to have sex with Blue before every encounter? You and Blue can
never share spontaneous sex? You can
never have your plans change at the last minute?
To me it just sounds a bit much.
But I consider him my life partner, so I strive to always work things out with him no matter what.
Really
no matter what? You have no limit of tolerance?
Whatever kooky.... you will still keep trying to work it out and keep going with Red?
And how does he try to work things out back with you?
I think I'm actually *more* bothered by the fact that he puts it to me like his way is the only way and he knows better than anyone else than any part of this other argument that him and I had. He brought a friend of his into it who's had a successful Polycule with kids for the past ten or so years and she agrees with his way of thinking- which of course is fine. I know this may be how some people are comfortable running things. But my sister is also Poly with a relatively large polycule (for me, this is five or more people) and she tends to agree with me. But his argument there is that he's older and has more experience than her. Which... Yikes
So... even though this is between just you and him...
His way to do conflict resolution with you is to act out, make excuses for his behavior, or to go recruit other people to back him up for "proof?" And to discredit anyone else who might support your POV like your sister?
Does Red want to be "right" all the time or does he want to be in "right relationship" with you?
What would you like in a life partner in terms of conflict resolution skills?
Again... I'm not saying to make mountains out of molehills.
But if after
three years of LDR? Red is STILL insecure and picking at you about stuff like this when he's supposed to be poly and has SO much more experience...
How many years does he need to finally get secure with you? Is he ever going to get around to doing his personal work?
If he gets like this LDR, what's he gonna be like local? Or as a co-parent?
To me? At a distance, this would be annoying. Up close, this would start to feel really suffocating. But I'm not you. So... I guess you could think about it and decide what you want to do.
At minimum, could apologize for breaking agreement even if it is unreasonable, because you did make it. Then tell him you
won't be keeping this agreement any more because it doesn't work for you. And then you resolve NOT to agree to anything else that is not reasonable and not rational. Nip some of this in the bud.
You could expect him deal with his feelings appropriately without any acting out at you stuff.
If it means he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you any more because he's looking for someone who will just bend to his will and prop him up in whatever insecurities? Maybe it is ok to let this go.
Galagirl