Help with insecurity

[Koa]

Hi all,

I am not new to polyamory, but have not practiced in a while, and this is my first time being on the side of “my partner has a new partner." Poly IS new to her. She’s uncertain why she’s even finding this guy attractive, although she admits to enjoying the attention.

Background…

She cheated, I found out, I suggested this as an alternative. Both because it’s something I have experience with and enjoy, and to help ease my anxiety about not knowing. The vibe you get when your partner is sneaking around sucks.

She has known him for years, was friends with him and his soon to be ex wife. (Their divorce is unrelated and years in the making. They’re just now officially doing the paperwork.) Anyway, she is helping him with the divorce stuff, since it’s daunting and he’s never done it before. One thing led to another, there was alcohol involved and we have what we have.

So I have been talking with her about poly. (Three years ago, she was against it, is finally admitting to curiosity, but says that it feels weird).

So they have a date set up for Sunday night. Hotel room, sleep over, dinner, etc.

I’m hoping they at least work on the divorce strategy, but I’m not sure.

I get vibes there’s more going on and have voiced this. Truth is, he’s a wreck, not a threat to replace me. Doesn’t bring a lot to the table. For him I think it’s a safe friend to confide in and blow off steam. For her, I think it’s just a casual thing. I hope so anyway.

I’ve given her the books Opening Up, The Ethical Slut, and directed her here. We had some tense talks in the beginning and this past week some much more productive ones.

I’m constantly checking in with her to make sure she’s staying in touch with her feelings and “why” she’s doing this. Again, I care about her friend because she does, but it’s her needs and feelings I’m most concerned about. I keep trying to reassure her that whatever she feels is ok, to be honest with herself about it and make her decisions based on her needs.

I find moments, long ones at times…. Where I’m second guessing her and his intentions. I’ve always been where she is, never the one giving the ok. I don’t currently have another partner, as this has been a monogamous relationship till now. I’m not bitter, don’t feel the need to go get one because "fair is fair." But I’m struggling with knowing what they’re “really” talking about and planning.

It’s this not knowing that kills me. I feel at times like she is just telling me what I want to hear, but at others that she’s truly looking at this the right way.

Anyway, [I have] anxiety and stress about this upcoming date. Not sure why or what exactly I’m feeling. Some of it at least resolves around performance… “is he better at xyz than me?” etc., which I know is irrelevant because I’m pretty confident in my skills. It’s not a competition, etc. I don’t have any real fear he will “replace” me. Again, he’s broke, a mess in many ways…

Just wanted to come here and vent in hope I can find some friends to chat with as I go through these next couple days.

I’m staying with her tonight and tomorrow and likely will reconnect Monday late morning.

She loves me, and I her. She’s been pretty good at giving me reassurance that she still wants me/us and this is just something she’s drawn to, the guy specifically, her desire to help him because they’re friends, etc.

She’s a terrible liar, so I don’t think I’m being played with. It’s taken her a long time and several talks to start being more open about all of it. I keep checking in and assuring her it’s ok to process this however she needs to, telling her I’m here for her. I think I do this as much to assure myself as her. Anyway. Thanks for listening.

 

[SlowPoly]

Well that all sounds hard. Starting with being cheated on.

So they have a date set up for Sunday night. Hotel room, sleep over, dinner, etc.

I’m hoping they at least work on the divorce strategy, but I’m not sure.

My first advice: stop worrying about what they’re spending their time doing. Not your circus.

We had some tense talks in the beginning and this past week some much more productive ones.

I’m constantly checking in with her to make sure she’s staying in touch with her feelings and “why” she’s doing this. Again, I care about her friend because she does, but it’s her needs and feelings I’m most concerned about. I keep trying to reassure her that whatever she feels is ok, to be honest with herself about it and make her decisions based on her needs.

It sounds like you’re doing two jobs here. (1) Partner negotiating opening up, and (2) Therapist counseling her about a relationship you aren’t involved in.

In your shoes, because this started the way it did, and because it’s new to her, and because it’s just not on my side of the V, I would outsource the other relationship counseling. She needs someone else to talk to about her new relationship. And maybe also about your shared one.

I find moments, long ones at times…. Where I’m second guessing her and his intentions. I’ve always been where she is, never the one giving the ok. I don’t currently have another partner, as this has been a monogamous relationship till now. I’m not bitter, don’t feel the need to go get one because "fair is fair." But I’m struggling with knowing what they’re “really” talking about and planning.

So you don’t trust them. And really, why should you? You can’t be absolutely sure what’s going on over there, and even they might not admit to themselves what’s going on inside.

So what can you do? Think about what you need. Think about how much you want to ask for from this relationship, and how much you can create for yourself and what you might need to find elsewhere.

Work out what relationship shapes would feel okay for you to be in with (let’s give her a name) Amelia. Talk to her about those — but leave open whatever goes on between her and Brock. Let that be their business because you have enough figuring out Koa and Koa-and-Amelia and Koa-and-potential others.

I hope you find some fun, different, comforting, familiar, novel ways to spend a few days without Amelia. Try not to write the screenplay of their time together. Good vibes for a growth weekend!

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this happened.

I mean this gently. Are YOU okay?

You seem to be centered on her starting a poly V thing, rather than centering on your healing from the cheating and your own wellbeing. Don't you think healing from the cheating could come FIRST?

I’m constantly checking in with her to make sure she’s staying in touch with her feelings and “why” she’s doing this.

Constantly? That's a lot. Why are you being so "hovering"? So she doesn't cheat on poly agreements and blindside you again?

Again, I care about her friend because she does, but it’s her needs and feelings I’m most concerned about. I keep trying to reassure her that whatever she feels is ok, to be honest with herself about it and make her decisions based on her needs.

Mostly it kind of sounds like she's going along with it because this way she gets to have you both, and you are practically pushing it on her. And you are also overstepping into her area. Her emotional state and then her emotional management after having cheated is all her stuff to manage. You are not her free therapist.

Are you doing all this reassuring toward her because that's what you want her to do towards YOU? If so, you could stop doing all this extra work, like coming at it "backwards." Just ask for what you need more directly and be more up front.

It’s this not knowing that kills me. I feel at times like she is just telling me what I want to hear, but at others that she’s truly looking at this the right way.

I don't get this. Would you clarify what "this" is in that sentence? Healing from the cheating, or learning how to do poly? And "right" for WHOM? For you, her, or Dude?

Anyway, [I have] anxiety and stress about this upcoming date. Not sure why or what exactly I’m feeling. Some of it at least resolves around performance… “is he better at xyz than me?” etc., which I know is irrelevant because I’m pretty confident in my skills. It’s not a competition, etc. I don’t have any real fear he will “replace” me. Again, he’s broke, a mess in many ways…

Well, there's GRIEF and feelings of being DEVALUED because cheating happened. And now you are taking a risk for this to happen ANOTHER way: this time, up-front and consenting, rather than with cheating, so you can rebuild trust. But if feels SCARY taking the risk.

Maybe you are NERVOUS and UNCERTAIN about how it will actually land, and how she will handle herself this time. You cannot know how she handled it until the date is over.

Maybe you're having some ANXIETY and feeling UNAPPRECIATED, like: "It will suck if she dumps me for a mess of a dude and here I am 'bending over backwards' trying to make this work."

And feeling some DISAPPOINTMENT, like: "If she picks out messes to date, is my admiration/respect for her going to take dings. and I just won't be able to hold her in the same regard any more?"

Could that be some of what you are feeling? My guess is that it might be a mixture of different feelings. It's not ONE thing, so you have to sit with it and untangle the "tangled ball of yarn" of feelings, to be able to name each strand, one at a time.

If you need a sheet, maybe it would help to use the NVC one, to circle what's going on and see what you need.

https://www.courts.ca.gov/partners/documents/2011SRL3gNVC.pdf

Galagirl

 

[Koa]

Are you doing all this reassuring toward her because that's what you want her to do towards YOU? If so, you could stop doing all this extra work like coming at it "backwards." Just ask for what you need more direct and more up front.

So at 2 am when I couldn’t sleep and she was awake too we had this talk. Super briefly and really I just told her my fear of being replaced down the road, that they were making these plans etc. and that I fully own that it’s my fear and has nothing to do with her. I then asked for, and received, some reassurance from her. “You are the priority, there are no plans from me for you to go anywhere, you’re stuck with me”.
This was immensely helpful advice and I thank you for giving it.

 

[Koa]

I don't get this. Could you please be willing to clarify? What is "this" in that sentence?

Healing from the cheating?

Or learning how to do poly?

And "right" for WHO? For you? Her? Dude?

Yes, my reference to “this” is doing the poly thing correctly. I acknowledge that it’s different for every relationship but in my case with Amelia, it’s asking for open and up front honesty. About asking her to look at reasons why this works, (there I go worrying about how she’s making sure to get her needs met again), and being more comfortable with just accepting the fact that she has, and wants, me as her primary partner and Brock as whatever it is they’re building. (It helps me to know that it so far seems to be just an outlet for both of them and neither are taking it seriously). Further, “this” means that ideally I’d like Brock to know and acknowledge that this is a conscious choice that Amelia and I are making and that we, (I at least), would like Brock to respect that and maybe do some reading to understand more of how communication vs hiding and sneaking can and does add value to both of our relationships with Amelia. Again though, I feel like I’m stepping where I shouldn’t. But it’s what I wish for and have asked Amelia to talk with him about.

 

[Koa]

I'm sorry this happened.

I mean this gently, ok?

Are YOU ok?

You seem to be centering her starting a poly V thing.

Rather than centering your healing from the cheating and your well being.

Don't you think healing from the cheating could come FIRST?



Constant? That's a lot. Why so "hovering?"

So she doesn't cheat on poly agreements and blindside you again?



Mostly it kinds sounds like she's going along with it because this way she gets to have you both and you are practically pushing it on her.

And you are also overstepping into her area. Her emotional state and then emotional management after having cheated -- that's all her stuff to manage. You are not the free therapist.

Are you doing all this reassuring toward her because that's what you want her to do towards YOU? If so, you could stop doing all this extra work like coming at it "backwards." Just ask for what you need more direct and more up front.



I don't get this. Could you please be willing to clarify? What is "this" in that sentence?

Healing from the cheating?

Or learning how to do poly?

And "right" for WHO? For you? Her? Dude?



Well, there's GRIEF and feeling DEVALUED that cheating happened.

And now you are taking a risk for this to happen ANOTHER way. This time? Up front, and consenting. Rather than all cheater-y. So you can rebuild trust. But if feels SCARY taking the risk.

Maybe you are NERVOUS and UNCERTAIN about how it actually will land and how she will handle herself this time. You cannot know til it is over.

Maybe mixed in with a little ANXIOUS and UNAPPRECIATED thoughts like "It will suck if she dumps me for a mess of a dude and here I am "bending over backwards" trying to make this work."

And some DISAPPOINTMENT "If she picks out messes to date... is my admiration/respect for her going to take dings? I just won't be able to hold her in the same regard any more?"

Could that be it? Some of what you are feeling?

My guess is that might be a mixture of different feelings. It's not ONE thing. So you have to sit with it and untangle the feelings "ball of yarn tangle" to be able to name each strand one at a time.

If you need a sheet, maybe the NVC ones help you circle what's going on/what you need.

https://www.courts.ca.gov/partners/documents/2011SRL3gNVC.pdf

Galagirl

Thank you for that worksheet!! Glancing at it quickly I’m sure it will help me place my feelings and untangle the yarn. You’re right, it’s not just one thing.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm glad it helps you some. I hope doing the worksheet helps you name the "yarn tangle" of feelings some. There are other sheets online that may or may not be useful. This is one:

How to Use ‘Wheel of Emotions’ to Express Better Emotions

A simple chart that can help you to express emotions in your daily life

medium.com

I'm glad you were able to ask more directly for the reassurance you need at this time, and have received it, so you now feel a bit better.

(there I go worrying about how she’s making sure to get her needs met again), and being more comfortable with just accepting the fact that she has, and wants, me as her primary partner and Brock as whatever it is they’re building.

Remember, you can accept she wants this, but YOU don't have to automatically want this just because she does. You can also change your mind and NOT do a poly V with her and him if it's not panning out. You are NOT actually "stuck with her." You have a voice.

(It helps me to know that it so far seems to be just an outlet for both of them and neither are taking it seriously).

At this time. If that ever changes to "serious relationship," you could prepare for that.

Further, “this” means that ideally I’d like Brock to know and acknowledge that this is a conscious choice that Amelia and I are making and that we, (I at least), would like Brock to respect that and maybe do some reading to understand more of how communication vs hiding and sneaking can and does add value to both of our relationships with Amelia. Again though, I feel like I’m stepping where I shouldn’t. But it’s what I wish for and have asked Amelia to talk with him about.

You can make reasonable and rational requests. What does "respect" look like to you, in this case? What happens if they decline the request or things don't pan out?

Like if Amelia does not meet her needs, isn't that her responsibility? Cuz you can contribute to her well being, meet her rational and reasonable requests when she asks things of you, but if she asks you for something unreasonable or not rational, you'd have to tell her, "No. I cannot do that." Are you able to do that, step back and not be so caught up in her stuff? Not everything is "our stuff." Some stuff is just hers, some is just yours, some is for her and Brock only, and some is for her and you only.

If Brock never apologizes for the cheating start, and Amelia still wants to date him, then what? It's on you to decide if you can deal with participating in a poly V like that, or not.

Say Brock doesn't acknowledge doing a poly V is a conscious choice that Amelia and you are making; he just wants to date Amelia, on his side. He doesn't do any reading, and doesn't really care to communicate with you. He wants a very separate thing, like a normal parallel-poly V. It's not terrible; he just really doesn't want to meet you. He wants his relationship with Amelia to be its own thing. He's not interested in a "Let's all make a group effort" vibe. Then what? It's on you to decide if you can deal with participating in a very separate poly V, or not.

It's okay to slow down and step back, and let Amelia (the hinge) deal with Brock. You don't have to to help her with it, or help him. Attend to your own things first, your own well being, then your part of (Amelia + you).

That is my suggestion. Maintain strong personal boundaries. Do not do other people's work for them. Do your own work.

A long time ago, DH told me I can pretty much date whoever I want. If it breaks up, I can expect him to give me a basic hug and say he's sorry that happened. But he is firm that he is NOT "the clean-up man." If I take up with weirdos or messy people, and it ends up as a shit show, he will encourage me to see a counselor to help me put myself back together. It is NOT on him, because he didn't pick them out. He didn't do anything. He's not into drama and wants to lead a peaceful life. He is not my free therapist.

I happen to agree with him, because I am not the "clean-up lady," going the other way, either.

Maybe detangling is something to think about.

The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship

You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!

medium.com

Galagirl

 

[dingedheart]

Hey koa welcome to the forum.

How long have you been married or partnered with Amelia before the cheating incident?

How did you practice poly and why did you choose to stop ?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Koa,

I hope things work out tonight, and I am glad you have this forum where you can vent, and chat with like-minded individuals. It is hard when you haven't previously experienced being the partner without another partner. And maybe you are worried that because they have cheated on you in the past, that they will cheat on you again. I hope this is not the case; I hope you can get through this situation.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Koa]

Hey koa welcome to the forum.

How long have you been married or partnered with Amelia before the cheating incident?

How did you practice poly and why did you choose to stop ?

3 years.
Give it take.
Years ago I was married. We had an agreement I could “date” other women but nothing physical. It worked out good for things like movies and events my wife didn’t want to go to. Eventually she cheated and I left. I’d done the research about poly and she wasn’t interested in a partner for her. Seems “cheating or leaving as the only two options” is hard to break. (That’s from the book opening up).
My ex wife is still with the guy. I hope they’re happy. It’s been 10 years.

 

[Koa]

So some of you have been following along from my insecurities post.
It’s now 4:45 am the morning after (?) my partners sanctioned overnight with her other guy. Second time they’ve done this but first time they’ve gone away to do it. I’m sure they’re still asleep.

She is planning on stopping by my place around noon today so we can touch base. It’ll be a short visit with no sexual contact. I’m feeling anxious. I don’t know what I’ll feel, it feels like it’s going to be awkward. Do I ask how it was? I’m not really sure I want details…. I know they went bar hopping because that’s their thing. I think the more I sit with this the more I think that’s what she’s getting out of this. A drinking buddy and drunk sex. (I’m not a fan of either) I know they had dinner. I assume they had sex. Again, don’t want details and it’s none of my business. I just don’t know what the conversation should be. We won’t likely connect until Wednesday night due to scheduling conflicts. It’ll be phone/text contact. I’ll want to talk about my feelings and her thoughts on the overall experience as this is new to her and still feels “weird”.
How much space do we need to give each other?
Does this process get easier/more comfortable?
Lacking the compersion I felt a week ago and not sure why.

 

[SlowPoly]

Maybe try to set aside the stuff that you need to process, since it’s a short visit. Maybe think of this as a rapid re-connect. A nice, long hug (if that would feel good). “I love you” if you say that normally. “You good?” (or some other abbreviated check-in) if you want to indicate concern/care/barest curiosity.

But my vote is for minimal storytelling and processing until you have time for that. Mainly just touch back in, in whatever way you normally give a nod to your connection. A cup of tea. Whatever.

Leave Brock out of this little patch of Koa+Amelia time. Just let it be “Here we are together. I like this.” That’s enough of a theme to load into a brief visit. Be there and appreciate the mutual presence.

There’s time to process later. And it does get easier.

 

[Magdlyn]

So some of you have been following along from my insecurities post.

Mod note: We moved your new post and the response over to your original post to keep things all in one place. That's easier for your readers.

It’s now 4:45 am the morning after (?) [of] my partner's sanctioned overnight with her other guy. Second time they’ve done this but first time they’ve gone away to do it. I’m sure they’re still asleep.

She is planning on stopping by my place around noon today so we can touch base. It’ll be a short visit with no sexual contact. I’m feeling anxious. I don’t know what I’ll feel, it feels like it’s going to be awkward. Do I ask how it was? I’m not really sure I want details…. I know they went bar hopping because that’s their thing. I think the more I sit with this the more I think that’s what she’s getting out of this. A drinking buddy and drunk sex. (I’m not a fan of either)

That would make me feel some kind of way. Is alcohol a problem, or is it moderate enough? Drunk sex means sloppy sex. Have you made sure to discuss safer sex? Has Brock done sex labs? Have they agreed to use condoms religiously? Most poly people take care to be extremely careful about safer sex, because unintended pregnancy can be more of an issue and any STIs can be transferred to the larger poly network.

You've previously practiced poly, so I hope this has been considered already.

I know they had dinner. I assume they had sex. Again, don’t want details and it’s none of my business. I just don’t know what the conversation should be. We won’t likely connect until Wednesday night due to scheduling conflicts. It’ll be phone/text contact. I’ll want to talk about my feelings and her thoughts on the overall experience, as this is new to her and still feels “weird”.

In your prior poly experience, how did you and partner(s) reconnect after dates with others?

How much space do we need to give each other?

You'll figure it out.

Does this process get easier/more comfortable?

It's definitely different to have the shoe on the other foot, isn't it? Before, all your partners were monogamous to you, and had to deal with these kinds of insecurities. How did you reassure them? How do you want to be reassured? Yes, it does get easier over time, but it can take months, to a year to get more comfortable. Although some people never get comfortable.

This new relationship is getting off to a rocky start-- Brock's divorce, his being "a mess," the alcohol.... It doesn't bode well, imo.

Lacking the compersion I felt a week ago and not sure why.

It's a rollercoaster. The probably did the deed, so it's scary!

 

[GalaGirl]

I agree with leaving it as basic check-in for now. You could say, "I don't want details-- a basic yes/no is enough. Did your date go okay? Are you all right in your general wellbeing?" Then let it be.

Wednesday could be just (you + her) time. Set up a different time for "processing," say, once a month, or every other week. You need to be living normal life too, not always doing THIS. Over time you'll figure stuff out and become more comfortable.

I know they had dinner. I assume they had sex. Again, don’t want details and it’s none of my business.

Until it becomes your business because you and she plan to share sex. You don't have to know the details, but normalize asking/saying, "Since we last shared sex, has there been anyone new or any changes in risk profiles? Were condoms and other safer sex practices used? On my side, there was [xyz]."

I think the more I sit with this, the more I think that’s what she’s getting out of this: a drinking buddy and drunk sex. (I’m not a fan of either.)

You might be fine with her having a drinking pal/drunk sex buddy, because you aren't into that. But if there is a lot of drinking, or even alcoholism, leading to messy sex practices that would impact YOUR sex health if you continued to share sex with her, becoming not worth it, you might have to break it off with her, because it's just too "ugh" for you to put up with. YOU get to decide what you will/will not put up with in your relationships.

Galagirl

 

[JaneQSmythe]

... Both because it’s something I have experience with and enjoy, and to help ease my anxiety about not knowing.

From subsequent posts it seems as though your experience in the past was you having platonic dates with other women. Correct?

So they have a date set up for Sunday night. Hotel room, sleep over, dinner, etc.

I’m hoping they at least work on the divorce strategy, but I’m not sure.

If they have a date than involves a hotel room and sleep over, I would assume that sex is going to happen. Why would talking about divorce strategy make this better somehow? This is an honest question "I'm OK with you having sex with your 'less than ideal' person of interest but ONLY if you also accomplish something productive" seems like a weird caveat to me. Like you are trying to convince yourself that the divorce thing is their primary connection and the sex thing is incidental? So when the divorce thing is final the sex thing goes away?

In your platonic movie-GF relationships was it OK with your partner because it was "just" the movie thing? And you are trying to replicate that somehow? But the movie-thing wasn't going away and the divorce thing should...so the sex should go with it?

I get vibes there’s more going on and have voiced this.

What "more" are you worried about? Feelings? Love? This IS a polyamory forum - so allowing "many loves" is kind of the default assumption. If that is excluded then "open" or plain "ENM" might be better descriptors. (Doesn't sound like "swinging" would apply because you are not sexually involved in the situation.)

Some of us (i.e. ME) are rather obtuse when it comes to feelings. It took me 18 months to admit that I "loved" my now-husband and 9 months with my now-ex, everyone on the planet knew it before I did so...she may be as clueless as I was in her current state!

Truth is, he’s a wreck, not a threat to replace me. Doesn’t bring a lot to the table. For him I think it’s a safe friend to confide in and blow off steam. For her, I think it’s just a casual thing. I hope so anyway.

Truth is, if you encourage her to poly it doesn't really matter what you think of the Dude...you are not dating him. Truth is, NOone can replace you, you are a unique individual. You can HOPE that it is a casual thing...but that really doesn't matter. I can HOPE I win the lottery...the universe does what it will...

I’ve given her the books Opening Up, The Ethical Slut, and directed her here. We had some tense talks in the beginning and this past week some much more productive ones.

Good? you have given her some resources and are working on communication.

I’m constantly checking in with her to make sure she’s staying in touch with her feelings and “why” she’s doing this. Again, I care about her friend because she does, but it’s her needs and feelings I’m most concerned about. I keep trying to reassure her that whatever she feels is ok, to be honest with herself about it and make her decisions based on her needs.

Whoa! Wait! What? My advice is to STOP this, right the fuck now! From my perspective, you are micro-managing her experience. How is she supposed to figure shit out for herself if you are constantly fiddling with her processing? Give her an actual minute to experience and reflect, please!

I find moments, long ones at times…. Where I’m second guessing her and his intentions. I’ve always been where she is, never the one giving the ok. I don’t currently have another partner, as this has been a monogamous relationship till now. I’m not bitter, don’t feel the need to go get one because "fair is fair." But I’m struggling with knowing what they’re “really” talking about and planning.

It’s this not knowing that kills me. I feel at times like she is just telling me what I want to hear, but at others that she’s truly looking at this the right way.

You are second-guessing and angsty because you are trying to be involved in things that are none of your business. Leave their relationship to them. NOT your circus. If he is as lame as you think he is then it won't last and you can say "I'm sorry it didn't work out, would you like a hug?" If she has questions/wants your advice? Let her come to you and ask for it. If it is too close to home and you can't be objective? Encourage her to talk to a sympathetic friend or counselor.

Just wanted to come here and vent in hope I can find some friends to chat with as I go through these next couple days.

This is certainly a safe place to vent. AND you can disregard any responses (especially mine) that you find irrelevant or unhelpful.

She loves me, and I her. She’s been pretty good at giving me reassurance that she still wants me/us...

This is really all you can expect/ask for...the rest, about him, is irrelevant...not your concern...

 

[Koa]

From subsequent posts it seems as though your experience in the past was you having platonic dates with other women. Correct?



If they have a date than involves a hotel room and sleep over, I would assume that sex is going to happen. Why would talking about divorce strategy make this better somehow? This is an honest question "I'm OK with you having sex with your 'less than ideal' person of interest but ONLY if you also accomplish something productive" seems like a weird caveat to me. Like you are trying to convince yourself that the divorce thing is their primary connection and the sex thing is incidental? So when the divorce thing is final the sex thing goes away?

In your platonic movie-GF relationships was it OK with your partner because it was "just" the movie thing? And you are trying to replicate that somehow? But the movie-thing wasn't going away and the divorce thing should...so the sex should go with it?



What "more" are you worried about? Feelings? Love? This IS a polyamory forum - so allowing "many loves" is kind of the default assumption. If that is excluded then "open" or plain "ENM" might be better descriptors. (Doesn't sound like "swinging" would apply because you are not sexually involved in the situation.)

Some of us (i.e. ME) are rather obtuse when it comes to feelings. It took me 18 months to admit that I "loved" my now-husband and 9 months with my now-ex, everyone on the planet knew it before I did so...she may be as clueless as I was in her current state!



Truth is, if you encourage her to poly it doesn't really matter what you think of the Dude...you are not dating him. Truth is, NOone can replace you, you are a unique individual. You can HOPE that it is a casual thing...but that really doesn't matter. I can HOPE I win the lottery...the universe does what it will...



Good? you have given her some resources and are working on communication.



Whoa! Wait! What? My advice is to STOP this, right the fuck now! From my perspective, you are micro-managing her experience. How is she supposed to figure shit out for herself if you are constantly fiddling with her processing? Give her an actual minute to experience and reflect, please!



You are second-guessing and angsty because you are trying to be involved in things that are none of your business. Leave their relationship to them. NOT your circus. If he is as lame as you think he is then it won't last and you can say "I'm sorry it didn't work out, would you like a hug?" If she has questions/wants your advice? Let her come to you and ask for it. If it is too close to home and you can't be objective? Encourage her to talk to a sympathetic friend or counselor.


This is certainly a safe place to vent. AND you can disregard any responses (especially mine) that you find irrelevant or unhelpful.




This is really all you can expect/ask for...the rest, about him, is irrelevant...not your concern...

Ok so I just read down through your responses and I both laughed and had “aha” moments. Thank you
Everything you said both made sense and was constructive.
My trying to micromanage absolutely is a problem.

Your insight about my possibly “recreating for her a similar experience to my previous one” is extremely valid and I had not even considered it. I have no idea why I felt “working on the divorce” should be important other than that’s why she said they got together in the first place.

My dates were platonic but had depth. Hers is physical with no depth. Completely opposite. Hard to grasp for me.

Someone else gave me the advice to just take what I need from the relationship and leave the rest.
Trying to do just that.

Thanks for everything you said. Loads of food for thought here.

 

[Magdlyn]

Ok so I just read down through your responses and I both laughed and had “aha” moments. Thank you. Everything you said both made sense and was constructive. My trying to micromanage absolutely is a problem.

Your insight about my possibly “recreating for her a similar experience to my previous one” is extremely valid and I had not even considered it. I have no idea why I felt “working on the divorce” should be important, other than that’s why she said they got together in the first place.

My dates were platonic but had depth. Hers is physical with no depth. Completely opposite. Hard to grasp for me.

Why do you have the understanding that there is "no depth"? They've been good friends for years, and he's opening up to about his sadness, stress, whatever, over the divorce. Sharing emotions like that and receiving support implies some depth.

Someone else gave me the advice to just take what I need from the relationship and leave the rest. Trying to do just that.

Take what you need from YOUR relationship with your partner, you mean?