Help!

[lesthegreat]

My wife and I have been married for a little over 2 years now. I was poly before we met, and she was adamant about me continuing to be poly when we got together. She considers herself non-monogamous, but doesn’t desire deep connections or enmeshment with other partners.

We’ve been to therapy many times. We just “graduated” from therapy with a poly therapist. One of the big things we had to work on was her having rules for our home. She doesn’t want my other partners coming to our house for any reason, and she doesn’t want to meet anyone until I’ve been dating them for at least one year. I’ve done my best to abide by that, and I haven’t had anyone else at our house (even friends).

The reason is that we initially bought the home with her deceased mom’s money. I totally understand our home being a sacred space for her, but I feel that her rules are very restricting for me. I actually pay a mortgage on the home, as well, so she hasn’t paid for it on her own.

The current issue is that I was babysitting my girlfriend’s daughter and needed to swing by my house to pick up one of the dogs to walk him. Her daughter (6) needed to use the bathroom when we pulled up, so I brought her in to use the bathroom. Same thing happened when we brought my dog back home from playing in the park. An hour after we left, my wife called me very upset that I had the child in our home. She said letting her into our home created ambiguity around her rule. For me, I feel that a child’s needs should always come before an adult’s feelings. She was in our home for less than a minute, and I still would never allow my gf into our home.

I’m struggling with empathizing with my wife, because this just feels ridiculous to me, especially when I pay the mortgage. I don’t feel that it’s fair that I don’t get any say in who enters a home I pay for. But maybe I’m trippin.'

 

[Evie]

It is ridiculous regarding the child.

What's really bugging her though? And seriously, not even friends allowed over? What's with that?

 

[lesthegreat]

It is ridiculous regarding the child.

What's really bugging her though? And seriously, not even friends allowed over? What's with that?

I don’t think it’s any deeper than this, actually. Our therapist told her it’s ok to have rules that she can’t compromise on, and I think she held onto that. I get that there are some things we can’t compromise on because we’re human, but I also feel like we should be able to extend grace. I don’t believe I’ve violated her by taking care of a child. She’s also very territorial over her space and doesn’t consider outside partners as part of our community, but I feel like there’s no point in being partnered with others unless they can consider me as part of their community. I’m ready to just swallow this as me being wrong at this point, because I know she won’t budge.

 

[Evie]

Honestly, she sounds like a nightmare of a metamour. If you got hit by a bus tomorrow, would she let your gf know? Let your gf visit you in hospital? What if you are laid up at home recovering from something, anything, for a length of time? Or, god forbid, attend your funeral? Or would it just look like you'd ghosted your gf and her daughter?

 

[LaminarFlow]

Wow, this is very controlling. No friends over in the house? Having no say in your own home?

I'm sorry, but I think polyamory agreements have nothing to do with this and there is a more deep-rooted issue here.

I’m struggling with empathizing with my wife, because this just feels ridiculous to me, especially when I pay the mortgage. I don’t feel that it’s fair that I don’t get any say in who enters a home I pay for.

Yes, it is ridiculous. Why would you want to have a partner like that? What if the kid was your own daughter with an ex? Would she also leave "your" kid to destitute outside unable to go to the restroom?

doesn’t consider outside partners as part of our community, but I feel like there’s no point in being partnered with others unless they can consider me as part of their community.

Maybe it is an incompatibility issue? Do you like kitchen table polyamory over parallel polyamory? Or is it that she just needs more time for the adjustment and transition?

 

[Magdlyn]

I agree with the above posters. I can see not wanting to host a partner's OSO in one's home on the regular, especially if you're new to poly. The PDAs, sex noises, etc., might be difficult to deal with. And some people are highly introverted and need their home to be a place of peace.

Where it gets weird is that you seem to be telling us that just because the down payment on your home was made from her inheritance, she gets full say in who comes into it, platonic friends included! She gets to isolate you for all time because of the down payment, even though your money goes to the monthly mortgage payments? Excuse me, what?

Even a 6-year old can't come in for a quick pee while she herself is not actually home? And you're being a responsible dog parent, and coming home to take it out, while you're babysitting, as well?

I personally couldn't live with a partner/spouse who got to tell me that I could never have friends over, or tell me who was allowed to be "part of my community" or not.

It sounds like she's paying lip service to polyamory while doing everything she can to make it as difficult as possible for you to actually practice it.

 

[ref2018]

Tell us all the reasons why this woman is so wonderful that you married her, only to be in therapy "many times" in the two years you've been.

 

[Kynde]

So I have a monogamous partner who spends a lot of time at my home. He has asked that I have a don't ask don't tell relationship with my poly partners, but he accepts that I'm poly. He has requested that I have "our" bedroom and my "partners" bedroom. This is reasonable. What is not reasonable is for her to control the entire home, given that she knew you were poly in the beginning, and says she wants to support you being that now. It's your home too, and while she has a right to some spaces being hers and yours together, the example of the child using the bathroom is ridiculous.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello lesthegreat,

It sounds like your wife is really strict about her rule that you may not bring anyone into your home -- not partners, not friends, not children. You are completely barred from having anyone in your own home, the home for which you pay the mortgage. I don't blame you for feeling frustrated, but I don't know how to convince your wife to loosen up a bit.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[lesthegreat]

Thanks for all of your responses. I think she’s extremely territorial over our shared space, and that’s not limited to anyone attached to me. We may need to rethink actually nesting together in the near future so we can both be happy.

 

[kdt26417]

I can see how having separate domiciles may be a solution.

 

[GalaGirl]

I’m struggling with empathizing with my wife, because this just feels ridiculous to me, especially when I pay the mortgage. I don’t feel that it’s fair that I don’t get any say in who enters a home I pay for. But maybe I’m trippin.'

You are not trippin.' It's your home too. She paid for the down payment, you are paying off the mortgage. It's a SHARED home.

This wasn't even a dating partner. It was a kid you were watching needing to pee. What's the kid supposed to do, pee their pants?

The reason is that we initially bought the home with her deceased mom’s money. I totally understand our home being a sacred space for her, but I feel that her rules are very restricting for me. I actually pay a mortgage on the home, as well, so she hasn’t paid for it on her own.

Do you have separate bedrooms in this home? I could see your wife not wanting your guests in her bedroom, but some areas are common areas, including whichever bathroom your guests can use.

We’ve been to therapy many times. We just “graduated” from therapy with a poly therapist.

Why so much therapy if this marriage is barely 2 years old?

One of the big things we had to work on was her having rules for our home. She doesn’t want my other partners coming to our house for any reason, and she doesn’t want to meet anyone until I’ve been dating them for at least one year. I’ve done my best to abide by that, and I haven’t had anyone else at our house (even friends).

Why not even friends? Do you get to have your family visit?

Why THIS floor plan, rather than a duplex, or flats in the same complex, or a home with a cottage out back or an ADU or something?

This is weird to me.

And it's kinda mean to kids.

I think she’s extremely territorial over our shared space, and that’s not limited to anyone attached to me. We may need to rethink actually nesting together in the near future so we can both be happy.

If you are going to stay together, then yes, you could consider separate homes, or a different floorplan that allows for "separate enough."

Did you live together before marriage? Was this territorial thing a problem then, too?

Galagirl