Hi from upstate NY

L

LunaRose

New member
Welp… if you would have told me I’d be here posting this a year ago, I never would have believed it.

Hi, nickname Luna, from upstate NY, Sullivan County.

Lots of changes in my life in the last 2 years and here we are.

I’m divorced from a narcissist abusive man. I moved on, and fast forward, I found someone amazing. But we’ve had some issues that have brought a lot out of things I’d never realized.

So, I’m definitely bi-curious. I do find myself attracted to women and am thinking about exploring this part of my life. However, I’m in a relationship. I was his first sexual partner ever, which shocked me, because he didn’t tell me for months after the fact.

So, being that I was his first sexual partner, I have concerns that in the long run it could become an issue for him, since he has no reference, no experience, etc.

He loves me and wants to have a future, get married, etc.

So, I was thinking that, with time, conversations, etc., bringing in another female could be beneficial and healthy in exploring things together.

I can explore my sexuality and he can have the benefit of experiencing other women.

So here I am, looking to educate myself and learn from other’s experiences and see what goes from here.

Hope everyone is having great night. :)
 
Hi and welcome. It's great that you're thinking about ethical non monogamy as a relationship model. I just want to make you really aware that the idea of you and him sharing a girlfriend can be a bit problematic. It can be a bit objectifying for the newer person, and you and he have what we call "couple's privilege" - basically, there is a strong possibility that if you get involved with the same person, if one of you decide you don't want to date her anymore, then it is quite likely that you of you will break up with her. Which makes her disposable to at least one of you.

So while you feel it's healthy for you as a couple, it's really quite unhealthy for that (fantasy) woman. It's rather unlikely that all three of you (if you find someone who is prepared to date you both) to fully keep apace with one another regarding intimacy. Perhaps you'd attempt to control this by specifying only group dates/sex between all three of you. Again, that would make you a package deal, not two individuals. She'll always be the third wheel, which is unkind to her, isn't it. Some people starting out like you are want to insist that this ideal woman is totally faithful to them (largely because of health reasons) but what this actually achieves is preventing her from being able to seek an eventual legal partner of her own. She gets none of the benefits of a legal marriage.

Have you watched Professor Marston and the Wonder Women? Sure, happy ending, but their "third" was treated really poorly in the middle. Learn from their mistakes.
 
Hi, thanks for the feedback, greatly appreciated. I have no idea about anything, hence asking questions and happy to hear feedback and insight.

I have not watched that movie, but will look into it 👍🏼
 
LunaRose said:
Hi, thanks for the feedback, greatly appreciated. I have no idea about anything, hence asking questions and happy to hear feedback and insight.
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Welcome to the world of polyamory, and to the board. :)

Congrats on getting out of the relationship with the narcissist! I know how awful that is, and how long it can take to heal.

Now, as Evie suggested, I agree-- please rethink the idea of "bringing a woman (a 'hot bi babe') into our relationship, for us to share."

Many couples new to poly unfortunately approach it this way-- "Let's do this together!" imagining it will be easy to find that unicorn who will magically desire and love both of them equally, and that the original couple (i.e., you and bf) will also both like, love, desire to the same amount. Voila, the perfect triad.

No. I am sorry to tell you that it hardly ever works that way. There are poly couples determined to find this perfect triad, who search for literally years, and have some fun threesome sex, only to have the unicorn walk away for the reasons above. They think, "Oh, she just wasn't the right girl." They keep trying, getting rejected over and over again, becoming more and more frustrated and jaded.

I recently read on an old thread here that you shouldn't think of sharing a gf as if she were a milkshake with two straws, or a dessert with two spoons. That's just objectifying.

I hear that your bf is new to dating and sex in general. Triads are advanced polyamory. Being in a one-on-one relationship is hard enough. Trying to keep a relationship of three egalitarian, balanced, fulfilling is all the more difficult.

How long have you two been together?

Please see our fantastic list of resources. Start with reading the article, "So Someone Called You a Unicorn Hunter?"


davidlnoble.livejournal.com

So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?

This article is a long, technical discussion of what being a "Unicorn Hunter" means, what's wrong with it, and how people in such a situation can try to avoid the negative stereotypes associated with such behavior and get the things that they are ultimately looking for. It is written in a…
davidlnoble.livejournal.com davidlnoble.livejournal.com

Then, I'd suggest starting with books, especially Opening Up, although Polysecure is also excellent, as are many in the list of resources. The podcast "Multiamory" is also well-liked and thorough, if you like to listen to information.

If you are bicurious, by all means, talk this over with bf, and when you're both ready (which could and should take a year or two), get out there and start dating women (other bi or pan women, or maybe a lesbian if she's okay with you also being with a man). Don't expect this woman to be attracted to your bf, to want to date him, to want to let him watch you and her have sex, to want to have sex with him, or to have threesome sex, or to want to move in with you two and walk your dog and water your plants. Don't dangle that carrot in front of your bf either. "There's something in it for you too, honey. Sex with two women at once, just like in porn!" Nope. That's fantasy. It doesn't match reality.

Now, if bf is new to having relationships, and wants to get married to you after never having been with anyone else, I'd tread even more cautiously. If you're still exploring your sexuality, be upfront with him that a goal is to see what it's like being in romantic/sexual relationships with women. He might want only monogamy, with you, with the whole house, kids, white-picket-fence thing. He might not even want to date other women (men?) on his own, as you date different women of your own taste on your side.

By the way, I'd take the fact that bf didn't tell you that you were his first relationship for months after starting to date you as a possible red flag, as far as honesty and trust goes. Open honest communication is absolutely crucial in polyamory.

One more thing: once you open the door to being poly, if you join dating sites, other MEN will hit on you a lot more than women will (yes, even on women-only sites, which are infiltrated by men). What if you started talking to some really nice attractive guy? Would bf be okay with you dating other men?

LunaRose said:
I have not watched that movie, but will look into it 👍🏼
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Here are some more movies that feature polyamory:

 
Greetings Luna,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like polyamory has come as somewhat of a surprise to you, I am happy to welcome you to the world of poly, and I'm glad you found this site. It'll probably surprise your partner too, I don't know if you have already talked to him about it. You are bi-curious, so naturally you want to explore with women. Take your time, and learn all you can about poly, before you actually dive in.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Thanks everyone for the great feedback, unfortunately we’re taking a break from being in a relationship. Whether permanent or not, don’t know.

I’m just going to focus on myself and when I’m ready. Maybe start dating some ladies 🤷🏽‍♀️
 
Sorry to hear your relationship is on hold. I hope you are able to work that out. No hurry on dating some ladies, just start doing it when you're ready.
 
Dear Luna,

I wanted to welcome you especially into bi folk community. Love, attraction, and affection are beautiful things and I wish you all the best experiences in navigating a new side of them. I love being a bisexual woman and I hope your experience is as positive as mine.

Love,
Bee x
 
bampirevat said:
Dear Luna,

I wanted to welcome you especially into bi folk community. Love, attraction, and affection are beautiful things and I wish you all the best experiences in navigating a new side of them. I love being a bisexual woman and I hope your experience is as positive as mine.

Love,
Bee x
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Thanks 😊 this is definitely a new aspect of myself I’m going to take time to explore.
 
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