Hi, I have strong feelings for a man that I can't love

P

polysele

New member
(Sorry for my English, this isn't my first language)
Hi! I'm a woman (bisexual 23).
Me and my partner (heterosexual male 30) are in a open /polyamory relationship.
We are together since January 2020 then I discovered about polyamory in April, we talked about it and we opened our relationship at the beginning of 2021.
In October 2021 he falled for a girl, and after a while the three of us started to have a situationship. In September we became officially a triad and after a month I left her.

In the last year I understood to have feelings (wince 2019) for a man (heterosexual 37) that has a partner, live 400km from me and which I never write with. We have a work relationship (he is like my master/teacher) and I am sure that he sees me just like as a "cute subordinate".
I try to have only the necessary contacts with him. I try to not think of him, I don't go through his Instagram and I try not to get too close to him ( in 4 years I saw him 1 month in total more or less) , but still I can't shut this feelings.
I don't want to talk to him about my feelings, because it is "none of his business".
Also I don't want to totally remove him from my life, because of work and because we are not exactly friends, but he will ask me (or my partner because their are friends/colleagues) what happened to me and I'm a terrible liar..

The question is: what should I do...?
 
Let me try and break this down: I am going to paraphrase your post a bit.
polysele said:
(Sorry for my English, this isn't my first language)
Hi! I'm a woman (bisexual 23). Me and my partner (heterosexual male 30) are in a open /polyamory relationship. We have been together since January 2020. I discovered polyamory in April 2020. we talked about it and we opened our relationship at the beginning of 2021.
Click to expand...
So you educated yourselves about polyamory from April 2020 to about January 2021. That's good.
polysele said:
In October 2021 he fell for a girl, and after a while the three of us started to have a situationship. In September we became officially a triad but after one month I broke up with her.
Click to expand...
Triads are hard to do. Did he keep dating her? Are you still friends with this woman?
polysele said:
In the last year I began to have feelings for a man I have known since 2019 (heterosexual 37). He has a partner. He lives 400km from me. I never write to him. We have a work relationship (he is like my master/teacher) and I am sure that he sees me just like as a "cute subordinate".

I try to have only the necessary contacts with him. I try to not think of him. I don't go through his Instagram. I try not to get too close to him. (In 4 years I saw him 1 month in total, more or less.) But still I can't stop feeling this way.
Click to expand...

polysele said:
I don't want to talk to him about my feelings, because it is "none of his business". Also I don't want to totally remove him from my life, because of work and because we are not exactly friends, but he will ask me (or my partner because they are friends/colleagues) what happened to me and I'm a terrible liar..

The question is: what should I do...?
Click to expand...
So it sounds like you've had a crush for a few months on a work colleague you've known since 2019. That's it. A crush. It's a hard crush. What should you do? You don't have to do anything. You can yearn for him, appreciate him and his ways, but leave him to live his life with his partner. You don't have to be polyamorous to get a crush on a person it would be inappropriate to pursue or date. I've had crushes on plenty of people I know I should not try to date. Some are simple crushes and they go away pretty quick. Some are very long-lasting, and I sincerely wish circumstances would've been different. Maybe they were my partner in a former life! ;) Or my brother or whatever.

Hell, I've even had strong crushes on popular musicians, movie stars, etc. Even dead ones lol They would get a bit obsessive. But those crushes were from when I was trying to live in a mono marriage. Once I became free, I could date and love real people and just crush on them. :) I stopped getting strong crushes on people I couldn't date, make love with.

I try to focus on the people I am able to date. You have your one partner. Have you ever had any other dating partners besides your partner's gf? Are you putting yourself out there? You might find someone who is lovely and will take your mind off your strong crush on your colleague/mentor/teacher. Maybe they will have some of his great qualities!
 
Hello polysele,

Sorry you are caught in this predicament. I can see that you have profound feelings for this man, and that you can neither get closer to him, nor push him further away. I'm not sure what to suggest, other than what Magdlyn said about looking for other people to date. People that might help you get your mind off of this unavailable man.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
Also I don't want to totally remove him from my life, because of work and because we are not exactly friends, but he will ask me (or my partner because their are friends/colleagues) what happened to me and I'm a terrible liar..

The question is: what should I do...?
Click to expand...

I'm sorry you struggle.

You don't really have to do anything. Keep the work relationship professional and keep your crush on your coworker to yourself.

If he asks what happened to you? You don't have to lie. But you ALSO don't have to share.

"I have things in my personal life. I don't want to talk about it. I prefer to focus on work. Thank you for your concern and for respecting my wishes."

Does your partner know about this work crush? If not, don't tell.

If yes, be clear that you want it kept confidential. And if the coworker ends up asking partner what's going on with you, you expect partner to say "You'd have to check direct with Polysele on that."

Just because one is practicing polyamory doesn't mean they get to pursue or should pursue everyone they develop an interest in or develop feelings for. We might not help having feelings. We do get to choose how we behave.

Dating coworkers gets messy, long distance relationships get hard... It's ok to give them a pass and seek easier dating than that.

I do sympathize. Some crushes are easier to let fade down than others. But give yourself time. And when ready? Think about dating locally, someone who is NOT a coworker.
 
Last edited:
Magdlyn said:
Triads are hard to do. Did he keep dating her? Are you still friends with this woman?
Click to expand...
Hi! Yes, he did, but then he also left her for the same reasons 3 months after (she's emotionally immature and created some really painful situations). I am not her friend anymore, I can talk with her, but I don't want this type of person in my personal life.
 
Last edited:
Magdlyn said:
So it sounds like you've had a crush for a few months on a work colleague you've known since 2019
Click to expand...
No, I've had a crush for 4 years😅
 
Magdlyn said:
Have you ever had any other dating partners besides your partner's gf? Are you putting yourself out there? You might find someone who is lovely and will take your mind off your strong crush on your colleague/mentor/teacher. Maybe they will have some of his great qualities!
Click to expand...
No I didn't, I had some crush, but they were always monogamous. 🥲
I don't really know how to explain, but I have my time and I don't really like the idea of "searching a person to love", I prefer to fall in love with people that I find in my way.
I also don't like the idea of searching someone to love, because I want to forget someone else.
Thank you <3
 
Last edited:
GalaGirl said:
Just because one is practicing polyamory doesn't mean they get to pursue or should pursue everyone they develop an interest in or develop feelings for. We might not help having feelings. We do get to choose how we behave.
Click to expand...
Yes, I totally agree with it, and I really don't want him ro be aware of the situation. I just want to find a way to fade my feelings, because I don't want them.. and I feel that I tried everything that I could do..
 
GalaGirl said:
Just because one is practicing polyamory doesn't mean they get to pursue or should pursue everyone they develop an interest in or develop feelings for. We might not help having feelings. We do get to choose how we behave.
Click to expand...
Yes, I totally agree with it, and I really don't want him to be aware of the situation. I just want to find a way to fade my feelings, because I don't want them.. and I feel that I tried everything that I could do.. I thought that maybe here I would have found someone that lived a similar situation and could give me some suggestions.
Thank you<3
 
Do you have a career plan that includes moving on from this particular job someday, or at least eventually being promoted to a different position where he (your crush) will no longer be your work mentor?

Personally, my hopeless crushes don't fade until the person actually fades out of my life. I sympathize with your situation...it is normal to find an older mentor attractive...but power exchange fantasies are more fun as a fantasy than in real life. It's good that you recognize the impossibility of this situation.

I think, unfortunately, the only way to get over him would be to move on to another job where you no longer interact.

People shouldn't stay at the same job forever anyway. You're 23. You have a long way to go in both your career and your love life.
 
polysele said:
No I didn't, I had some crush, but they were always monogamous. 🥲
I don't really know how to explain, but I have my time and I don't really like the idea of "searching a person to love", I prefer to fall in love with people that I find in my way.
I also don't like the idea of searching someone to love, because I want to forget someone else.
Thank you <3
Click to expand...
Oh, I am not just suggesting you find a new person to date locally, in real life, JUST to reduce your yearnings for this unavailable man. It's just that, as a poly person (if you are), I'd think that would be on your radar, to find more love in your life, with available people. You don't have to go on dating sites/apps. But you could increase your general social interactions in clubs, volunteering, parties, dance events, hobby groups, sports, church/pagan gatherings/synagogue (if you're into religion or that kind of social support), etc. Things you can do as an available poly person and not necessarily with your husband in tow, presenting yourselves as a unit, might lead to you meeting up with interesting people who will occupy your mind and take it off this guy, at least to an extent.

But if you are introverted and a homebody, you won't have as much going on to distract your mind from this man, even if your solitary hobbies are pretty interesting.

However, just for me, the famous Mae West quote, "The best way to get over a man is to get under another one," kind of works! lol
 
Last edited:
MeeraReed said:
Do you have a career plan that includes moving on from this particular job someday, or at least eventually being promoted to a different position where he (your crush) will no longer be your work mentor?
Click to expand...
The problem is that we don't work in a corporation, we are artisans, we work in the same "community" and it is a very small community😬. And when someone has been your mentor/teacher they will always be your mentor (unless something bad happen).
And I don't want to change my entire carrier path. Because that is what I want to do right now.
I don't know if that makes any sense 😅
 
Magdlyn said:
However, just for me, the famous Mae West quote, "The best way to get over a man is to get under another one," kind of works! lol
Click to expand...
🤣🤣 thanks 🥰
Magdlyn said:
But if you are introverted and a homebody, you won't have as much going on to distract your mind from this man, even if your solitary hobbies are pretty interesting.

However, just for me, the famous Mae West quote, "The best way to get over a man is to get under another one," kind of works! lol
Click to expand...
Yep, I am introvert, I also plan to change city in 1-2 years to another that is a lot more open minded, so I hope that there my love life will change
 
polysele said:
The problem is that we don't work in a corporation, we are artisans, we work in the same "community" and it is a very small community😬. And when someone has been your mentor/teacher they will always be your mentor (unless something bad happen).
And I don't want to change my entire carrier path. Because that is what I want to do right now.
I don't know if that makes any sense 😅
Click to expand...
I used to work in a small artisan community. There was a quip that it was an "incestuous" industry. Hand on heart I can assure you it was. But because it was, there were already unspoken rules. Surely if your community is that small, these already exist too.
 
Evie said:
There was a quip that it was an "incestuous" industry.
Click to expand...
Sorry, can I ask you to explain me this? I didn't understand 😅
 
I'll let Evie explain, but in general terms 'incestuous' refers to a family unit, where there is an implied 'avoid romance' rule in place (and sometimes an explicit one!). Small communities are vulnerable to losing members who might have relationship drama that leads them to either leave the group or cause spillover into other areas. Again, Evie can say more about the particular wording, but I'll say something from the perspective of the other person here.

As a college professor, I've had students profess their love for me, and it's a very uncomfortable moment. Even if we were allowed to date students (after all, everyone is an adult....it's not the same as primary school), there is an inherent power imbalance that is problematic. As long as that dynamic is in place, any relationship will be problematic. You describe this person as a mentor/master. That's very similar to a teacher. I understand that there are a lot of fantasies around this kind of thing.

But you might want to think about how this could possibly play out. Option 1: He does not feel the same way. What would happen? Would this destroy your relationship? Would you still be able to work with him, or even stay in the community? Would you be OK with him staying in it too?

Option 2: He does feel something, but is not allowed to act on it. He's in a relationship, you say. Is he poly? Is he allowed to see other people in his relationship? If not, then what? You have these feelings for each other, but now you both know and still can't do anything? How would you feel then?

Option 3 (best case?): He feels something and can act on it. What would that mean? You are in different locations, right? You seem to think this is a long term feeling for you and not just a temporary one. Ok, what would you want from him at this point? Is meeting a few times a year enough? Would you need to live in the same city? Would you need to both be open about this relationship?

There are many other considerations, but this should give a kind of starting point, so that you can think about whether this is worth pursuing. Please be aware that option 1 would put both of you in a negative place. You will be sad. He will probably feel bad that he hurt you, even if he didn't do anything wrong. This one should be avoided if at all possible. As others have said, having a fantasy can be fun by itself! Whether that fantasy is enough for you is something you must decide.
 
polysele said:
No I didn't, I had some crush, but they were always monogamous. 🥲
I don't really know how to explain, but I have my time and I don't really like the idea of "searching a person to love", I prefer to fall in love with people that I find in my way.
I also don't like the idea of searching someone to love, because I want to forget someone else.
Thank you <3
Click to expand...
I feel the same say "I never look for it, I kind of wait for love to hit me lol"
 
Openbook23 said:
There are many other considerations, but this should give a kind of starting point, so that you can think about whether this is worth pursuing. Please be aware that option 1 would put both of you in a negative place. You will be sad. He will probably feel bad that he hurt you, even if he didn't do anything wrong. This one should be avoided if at all possible. As others have said, having a fantasy can be fun by itself! Whether that fantasy is enough for you is something you must decide.
Click to expand...
Now I don't think that I explained myself properly🤣🤣
I don't want to say anything to him or to do anything with him.
I want my feelings to disappear, to evaporate, to go and never come back.

What I'm searching are suggestion on how to make my feelings fade.

I REALLY don't want this feelings, because they are more a burden than something to enjoy.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top