Hiding lover

Dh505

Member
I'm new here so ill be quick.
I've always told my wife she could date other people all I want is honesty about who they are and how they feel about each other which to me seem like reasonable requests but it seems like whenever I try to discuss these things it upsets her and now it seems as though she has multiple partners but keeps telling me its just this one we will call a but then when I pickup her phone to look at some pics our kid sent her there are messages from a and another person b at the top of her messages a is telling how she loves her and to have a good night then there's b right below asking her to come play. So for me I guess my real question is 2 fold 1st do I bring it up or just let it go. And if I should bring it up how do I go about it without coming across as accusatory because I'm fine with her dating seeing fucking who ever she wants I just want her to be honest with me about it.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
If your wife is just chatting with a few people, newer prospective dating partners, she probably isn't feeling much except casual interest. If she talks to a lot of people, it could feel boring or intrusive if she needs to tell you about every single one of them and how she feels about them.

If some new guy is saying he loves her, and they haven't even met yet, or maybe only had a couple dates, he's probably an idiot that is saying anything, just to get laid. Or he's a creep in other ways.

And lots of guys want to "play." That's no big deal. It's as common as dirt. Horny guys are horny. So what?
 

Dh505

Member
Thank you think I just need a quick kick in the ass.
i doubt it will change your thoughts but if the people she dates are women would you still say the same things
If your wife is just chatting with a few people, newer prospective dating partners, she probably isn't feeling much except casual interest. If she talks to a lot of people, it could feel boring or intrusive if she needs to tell you about every single one of them and how she feels about them.

If some new guy is saying he loves her, and they haven't even met yet, or maybe only had a couple dates, he's probably an idiot that is saying anything, just to get laid. Or he's a creep in other ways.

And lots of guys want to "play." That's no big deal. It's as common as dirt. Horny guys are horny. So what?
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I don't think it matters if she's texting men or women.

I've always told my wife she could date other people all I want is honesty about who they are and how they feel about each other which to me seem like reasonable requests

Does wife agree these are reasonable requests? And what does it mean exactly?

I wouldn't want to hear about every potential ever. I want to be told when things are looking serious, are looking to go lover or have recently gone lover. Then it might be impacting me in some way -- like sex health hygiene for instance. That is newsworthy to me.

But every flirty text with potentials? I don't care to know, esp if it ends up being nothing. That would grow tiresome to listen to and tiresome to have to report/share.

What is "newsworthy" to you? Or are you expecting her to share every little detail?

whenever I try to discuss these things it upsets her

What is her reason for upset? Does she articulate it?

it seems as though she has multiple partners but keeps telling me its just this one

So maybe A is the one she has developed actual feelings for, and the rest are still just potentials. Not anything "newsworthy" yet.

Is that the case?

I'm fine with her dating seeing fucking who ever she wants. I just want her to be honest with me about it.

You seem to be aware that she's dating other people. That's not a secret.

What do you think she's being dishonest about?

So for me I guess my real question is 2 fold 1st do I bring it up or just let it go. And if I should bring it up how do I go about it without coming across as accusatory because I'm fine with her dating seeing fucking who ever she wants I just want her to be honest with me about it.

Bringing WHAT up?
  • That you think she's not being honest with you because she didn't mention person B yet?
  • That you would like to hear about every potential?
  • That it's "news" if it becomes a serious partner, but don't worry about sharing every little thing?
  • Something else?
Could you be willing to clarify? You may want to gather your thoughts together clearly before talking to wife.

Esp if you tend to come across as accusatory -- is that why she gets upset? Your communication style?

Galagirl
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
By the way, did you have permission to pick up her phone and look at pix, and "accidentally" see private messages from two people? Or were you kinda sorta spying out of jealousy?

No, it doesn't matter if she's talking to men or women. Why would it? Are you less fearful of her dating women than men? This is pretty common.
 

Dh505

Member
By the way, did you have permission to pick up her phone and look at pix, and "accidentally" see private messages from two people? Or were you kinda sorta spying out of jealousy?

No, it doesn't matter if she's talking to men or women. Why would it? Are you less fearful of her dating women than men? This is pretty common.
did have permission she passed me the phone, yes i have a green eyed monster inside me but thats a me problem not a her problem , men or women are fine as long as we are being open and honest. i think im projecting my insecurities here and was more looking for someone to put me in my place so thank you magdlyn. and you are right she wasnt showing me those messages she was showing me what the kid sent her and i need to keep my focus instead of looking beyond.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Well-known member
I would just ask. "Hey, I didn't mean to snoop but noticed you have a lot of conversations going when I was on your phone the other day. Is it just new chatty friends or are there potential relationships I should know about? Not a big deal either way, but I feel safer knowing how many others could potentially be affecting my health as well."

If sex is a possibility, then I don't consider it overstepping for you to want to know because it CAN affect you. While barriers make it safeR, different partners have different safety implications.

Then you need to actually clarify what open/honest means to you. For my partners and I, it means saying something when an in person meeting becomes likely or if texting frequency becomes impactful of daily life together/shared time. When in person happens, we then assume that sex is a possibility as well so that it doesn't become a "permission" kind of feel of having to tell a partner before having sex with a new partner. No new info is needed until/unless they move towards wanting to integrate with the family (holidays, special outings, anything more than a passing interaction) or fluid bond or something like that. Although usually we all enjoy talking about general date stuff (not personal or invasive stuff).
 

Dh505

Member
I don't think it matters if she's texting men or women.



Does wife agree these are reasonable requests? And what does it mean exactly?

I wouldn't want to hear about every potential ever. I want to be told when things are looking serious, are looking to go lover or have recently gone lover. Then it might be impacting me in some way -- like sex health hygiene for instance. That is newsworthy to me.

But every flirty text with potentials? I don't care to know, esp if it ends up being nothing. That would grow tiresome to listen to and tiresome to have to report/share.

What is "newsworthy" to you? Or are you expecting her to share every little detail?



What is her reason for upset? Does she articulate it?



So maybe A is the one she has developed actual feelings for, and the rest are still just potentials. Not anything "newsworthy" yet.

Is that the case?



You seem to be aware that she's dating other people. That's not a secret.

What do you think she's being dishonest about?



Bringing WHAT up?
  • That you think she's not being honest with you because she didn't mention person B yet?
  • That you would like to hear about every potential?
  • That it's "news" if it becomes a serious partner, but don't worry about sharing every little thing?
  • Something else?
Could you be willing to clarify? You may want to gather your thoughts together clearly before talking to wife.

Esp if you tend to come across as accusatory -- is that why she gets upset? Your communication style?

Galagirl

I would just ask. "Hey, I didn't mean to snoop but noticed you have a lot of conversations going when I was on your phone the other day. Is it just new chatty friends or are there potential relationships I should know about? Not a big deal either way, but I feel safer knowing how many others could potentially be affecting my health as well."

If sex is a possibility, then I don't consider it overstepping for you to want to know because it CAN affect you. While barriers make it safeR, different partners have different safety implications.

Then you need to actually clarify what open/honest means to you. For my partners and I, it means saying something when an in person meeting becomes likely or if texting frequency becomes impactful of daily life together/shared time. When in person happens, we then assume that sex is a possibility as well so that it doesn't become a "permission" kind of feel of having to tell a partner before having sex with a new partner. No new info is needed until/unless they move towards wanting to integrate with the family (holidays, special outings, anything more than a passing interaction) or fluid bond or something like that. Although usually we all enjoy talking about general date stuff (not personal or invasive stuff).
Very insightful thank you.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello Dh505,

We know that your wife is dating Person A, however we do not know whether she is dating Person B. Yes, Person B propositioned her, but we don't even know whether she wanted to be propositioned. I think at this point you have to trust your wife, unless and until some kind of hard evidence surfaces that proves she isn't being honest with you. As it stands, such evidence has not yet surfaced, Person B's proposition doesn't actually prove that your wife is dating Person B.

You might, however, want to tell your wife that you snooped a little in her phone, and what you found out as a result. Yes, she handed you the phone so you could look at some pics, but I'm sure she didn't have in mind for you to check her messages as well. So do apologize for that faux pas, and tell her that if she does start dating someone in addition to Person A, you hope that she will be willing to tell you so. That would be direct enough, after that you just have to trust her.

Such is my read on the situation so far.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Dh505

Member
I like your thoughts and you are right I owe her an apology for looking beyond what she was offering and I need to just settle down.
Honestly probably just need to try dating other people my self so I can have a better understanding of her side of things as well.
 

Dh505

Member
I gotta say thank you all for being kind and supportive it did help me today when the little green eyed monster started showing his head again trust has never been an issue in our relationship and I shouldn't let it become one because I was looking somewhere I shouldn't have been. Now the fun part telling on myself. This should be interesting.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Good luck; let us know if we can be of further help.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
I'm new here so ill be quick.
I've always told my wife she could date other people all I want is honesty about who they are and how they feel about each other which to me seem like reasonable requests but it seems like whenever I try to discuss these things it upsets her and now it seems as though she has multiple partners but keeps telling me its just this one we will call a but then when I pickup her phone to look at some pics our kid sent her there are messages from a and another person b at the top of her messages a is telling how she loves her and to have a good night then there's b right below asking her to come play. So for me I guess my real question is 2 fold 1st do I bring it up or just let it go. And if I should bring it up how do I go about it without coming across as accusatory because I'm fine with her dating seeing fucking who ever she wants I just want her to be honest with me about it.

how long have you been married and have you been open...” I’ve always told my wife she could date other people “ since your relationship began ?

I have a slightly different take on this story as it was presented. I don’t think any legitimate question on dating practices or specifics should ever be met resistance or annoyance . Particularly if stories or comment don’t seem to line up. AND to me the annoyance and resistance only breeds less trust NOT more trust. You might want to have that conversation. Being afraid to ask so simple questions to clear up a misconception or confirm what you think is true is not a good foundation to build a poly relationship.

Heres one more thing I thinks is vitally important. TRUST your gut. If things sound off ...and importantly feel off they probably are.
 

Dh505

Member
how long have you been married and have you been open...” I’ve always told my wife she could date other people “ since your relationship began ?

I have a slightly different take on this story as it was presented. I don’t think any legitimate question on dating practices or specifics should ever be met resistance or annoyance . Particularly if stories or comment don’t seem to line up. AND to me the annoyance and resistance only breeds less trust NOT more trust. You might want to have that conversation. Being afraid to ask so simple questions to clear up a misconception or confirm what you think is true is not a good foundation to build a poly relationship.

Heres one more thing I thinks is vitally important. TRUST your gut. If things sound off ...and importantly feel off they probably are.
married 13 years, my entire dating carrer was that way i would date women who also dated other people but when i would step out i would feel super guilty and hide it,even though i would litteraly tell them including her date who you want fuck who you want just tell me who what where and when i kind of find it hott as long as its upfront i like the green eyed monster sometimes as well, so yes when we were dating i never tried to stop her from seeing other people. and when it first came up in our marriage i thought i was being supportive but by asking the who what where questions may have over stepped

also to the rest of the group i chickenned out and didnt talk to her im a pussy and dont wanna lose her.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
No problem, just tell her when you work up the nerve.
 

Dh505

Member
So I did it and it went differently than I expected she didn't go off she just kinda sat and listened but I did go deeper in her phone and well she was seeing more people but the funny part is the one I thought is just an online friend. I told her how I feel and showed her my journals and I don't know how this is going to go but I'm hopeful thank you for all the supportive comments and advice
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Yay! You did the talking that needed to be done. That's not easy. It sounds like some more of the truth came out as a result of that talk. Now you can decide if you want to move forward knowing she kept some things from you.
 
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