How do I even start to explain??

Thank you so much everyone.
He has threatened to take the kids away from me if I pursue this lifestyle choice and I can't let that happen so that's the end of that for me.

Thank you for all your valuable advice, I couldn't have asked for better. Especially to Mags and Galagirl who have opened my eyes to support I can get regarding my spirituality.

I will probably soon delete this thread as I wouldn't want him to come and find it and have any kind of ammo against me.

Love to you all
 
Sorry to hear things have turned out like that. :(
 
He has threatened to take the kids away from me if I pursue this lifestyle choice and I can't let that happen so that's the end of that for me.

"Using the children" is a control tactic. Tread with caution.

I am hoping he is spouting nonsense because he's fearful right now since you only told him yesterday. I am hoping he will engage rational brain in time.

But if he is simply tightening up control so you do what he wants?

You might want to read this:

https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u...tober 2014 New Tactic 5 Cyber Abuse Cover.pdf

And see if there's anything else you have been experiencing here. Because for sure there's the trying to get you to see a psych when there's nothing wrong with you, and a big violation of trust with outing you to your parents.

If your partner is not interested in knowing the authentic you, I'm not sure how healthy it is for you to stay partnered with him. Long term. Going through the motions, but with inner life withering. :(

Again, I am sorry you are dealing in this. But KEEP dealing in this -- stay on your journey of awakening, and see your way through to a healthy place.

Galagirl
 
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There has got to be a solution!

Well, the current solution , to me, looks very temporary. Yes, stay in the home and keeping your mouth shut is a tactic for the short term.(weeks, months or years - I managed it for 6 years, lol) - But I think Journey will continue the journey in her mind and we will hear from her again.
 
It's not just the poly he has an issue with, it's the emotional affair I had with my friend. I didn't handle things very well.

He has accepted that he has an issue showing his emoticons and he's sorry for what he told my parents. But my parents (well I've only spoken to my dad) are being great about it. We will probably get counselling help for all of the things we are going through

I know using the kids against me is controlling but I understand why he's doing it. Poly to him is just completely wrong and he doesn't want the kids to be damaged by my doing it

So yes I will sit tight. I will still be on my journey of becoming a more authentic person. I didn't even consider the idea of poly before I fell in love with a second person so perhaps it won't happen to me again and I can just be happy with my husband. He does make me happy, we do love each other, we just have work to do. Just my heart is breaking for losing my other love.

Thank you again everyone.
 
I am glad you will have access to counseling. I am glad your parents are being great about it. That gives you more support than you thought you had.

It sounds like he is slowly calming down and hopefully the counseling will help. But again... still tread carefully.

To get THIS bent out of shape over a crush you had on a friend when you both kept it in the friend zone? Acknowledge you liked each other but didn't act on it? It's a bit much.

Your spouse has some stuff to work through about him not being so avoidant. Learn to express himself along the way like a steam valve. Not stuff things down. Otherwise the least little thing and WHOOSH! All the pent up dam bursts.

Then he gets mega overwhelmed which only serves to reinforce the idea that experiencing strong emotion is scary and dangerous. So he better avoid it and stuff it down.

Galagirl
 
I am glad you will have access to counseling. I am glad your parents are being great about it. That gives you more support than you thought you had.

It sounds like he is slowly calming down and hopefully the counseling will help. But again... still tread carefully.

To get THIS bent out of shape over a crush you had on a friend when you both kept it in the friend zone? Acknowledge you liked each other but didn't act on it? It's a bit much.

Your spouse has some stuff to work through about him not being so avoidant. Learn to express himself along the way like a steam valve. Not stuff things down. Otherwise the least little thing and WHOOSH! All the pent up dam bursts.

Then he gets mega overwhelmed which only serves to reinforce the idea that experiencing strong emotion is scary and dangerous. So he better avoid it and stuff it down.

Galagirl

Like !
 
Journey, I really feel for you. I hope all of this turns out well in the end - however things will proceed.

I am not all that familiar with UK legislation, but I have seen a TV documentary about an openly poly UK family with children, so I suspect living polyamorously is not illegal there. Check it out. Get knowledge about the laws, both those that protect you and those that would be against you if you one day choose to take the poly path. Your husband has threatened to take the kids away from you since he thinks seeing poly life would be damaging to them. Find out what the laws say, find out if there have been cases like this. Even if you'd never pursue poly the knowledge won't harm.

I think it is wise to keep things calm for a while. Get stronger yourself, find a community for your spiritual support. Once you feel more grounded, you can think for permanent solutions in your life.

A big change in religious and spiritual beliefs takes time. You have started yours a while back; what I've heard from my support sources is that once you get out of a fundamentalist church or cult, the recovery takes approximately five years. In my case that was about true.

Hang in there!
 
I do hope counselling works out for you both, and I hope you continue on your journey and path to self-discovery. Emotional affairs are quite damning, but it was not your intention to hurt your husband. I would implore you to grieve/mourn what you are losing or have lost with your friend. At any rate, it is okay to be hurt by the loss. Express that in counselling. You are human, and your emotions and feelings are valid. Good luck with everything, and I hope that you continue to read the forum and information about poly. I would definitely not make any decisions like closing the door forever out of fear of losing your children. I realise the UK courts can be shifty, but if your husband loves you, I would hope he would not want to take your children away from you because of differences in your respective worldviews. Your husband may reach a point of acceptance, and he may very well not. It is truly something that has to be taken on a case by case basis.

It is completely possible to be a polyamourist and not act on it. Strange but true. Personally, I acknowledge that I love more than one person, but I have not the slightest desire to ever engage in a relationship of any sort with that person. It works for me because I can still talk to my DH about said feelings and do not have to keep them hidden.

I am wishing you both the best of luck, and cheers to the woman that you are becoming.
 
Ugh, Journey, I am so angry on your behalf I could spit nails.

Fucking men. Fucking patriarchy. Fucking "Christians."

It's a system made to hold us down. To limit us. To disempower us. Fight. Fight. Rage against the machine.

Document the abuse. Start a financial plan for leaving.

So what, you got a crush on a female friend? Big friggin deal. It's not illegal for a married woman to get a crush. It's not illegal to be bisexual, here, or in England. If he is going to try and divorce you and get sole custody of the kids just on that basis, good luck, man.

Same sex marriage is legal in the UK, right? Adults can choose who to have sex with... There is no proof kids are harmed by being in poly households. It's not abuse. If it does do any harm, how could it be any worse than divorce and a new mommy or daddy in the house?

Go to your counselor. BTW, there doesn't have to be anything "wrong" with you to seek a counselor. You lived in what sounds like a cult for who knows how long. Of course you need help getting unbrainwashed, seeing what your options are as you join the real world.

Good grief. Keep fighting. He "loves" you? Bah. He wants a submissive slave-like wife with no mind of her own. Slavery (unconsensual) has been illegal in the West, in the UK, for how long now? If you don't consent to his domination, it's illegal for him to keep you there. He can't take your kids away just because you refuse to be his slave. Think about it!
 
Re (from Journeyofawakening):
"We will probably get counseling help for all of the things we are going through."

That sounds like a really good idea. And if your husband is willing to attend the counseling sessions, it makes me feel hopeful. Of course, you might need to try more than one counselor so as to get someone you and your husband are both comfortable with.

Give yourself some time to think things over, and please keep us posted. I'm glad things are going a little, just a little, better.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm afraid I don't have the energy to respond to every comment here but please know that I am so thankful for each and every one. And just to clarify, the friend in question is male and it's more than a crush. I don't know which my husband would find a worse offence, male or female!

Now that things have 'settled' I'm finding a chance to reflect on wtf just happened. And I'm kind of appalled. He threatened to take my kids from me and now he's pretending like nothing happened. He's giving me more attention and more affection right now, which is lovely of course...but...I can't talk to him about anything. I can't talk to him about poly, or spirituality or anything. I feel trapped and controlled really. I miss my 'friend', especially as he is the most open minded and accepting person I know.

I just don't know where to go from here. I feel like I'm just having to fit in to everyone's expectations of me. I know I have changed a lot recently so I guess it's jarring for him. But to threaten to take my kids away (regardless of whether or not he has the power to do that) and then seek emotional guidance from my parents whilst 'outing' me to them...saying he needed a safe place... Then telling me I need to stop acting the victim when I got upset about it because I'm the one who is in the wrong. I do feel victimised because no one is even attempting to open their minds to what I'm going through. At all.

And now I have to pretend everything is all okay...when it's not. I don't want to have an 'emotional cow' as Galagirl would say, I just want this to be fixed somehow. I can't just turn off my feelings regarding my friend or regarding polyamory or regarding my spirituality or sexuality; nor should I have to. I just wonder if I'm going to have to sacrifice my authenticity and my journey to stay in this marriage because he has an inability to adapt to change?

I'm rambling now. Just trying to get some of my jumbled thoughts in order.
 
Please look into reaching out to a more progressive community, Journey. Nobody can make her way alone and you don't have to. There are many open minded and caring people in other communities who would be happy to know you and support you right now. Sending good thoughts your way.
 
Hi Journey,

be sure, I am feeling very sorry for you. Live shouldn't punish people just for loving. But loving women drives men crazy since thousends of years. And only just recently women strive to get rid of the bounds that have put around them to make them 'behave'. Your husband still is dependent on those bounds, and you have believed in them too until a while ago, haven't you? So you have to take him from where he is at the moment:

Both of you have done betrayel to each other and broke trust. You have fallen in love and are not willing to let go. This is what is usually called cheating. He has threatend to involve the children into the couple problems.
[His excuse (children might be harmed) is a lame one - as he surely didn't explain in what way they could be. My three kids, for example, live since 4 months very happy in our household where we integrated a second man. (and believe me, we have watched them very thoroughly how they behaved since then). ]
To continue this marriage you both need to apologize (a counselor is a great aid in such a process). Also you would need to let go of your external love. That would prove that you are really still with your husband and not just indulging in feelings that you have promised once to not indulge in. I might have missed that fact: does your husband know about your external love? Either way, proceeding with it is creating new lies.
Then you can tell him that you approach a different life style in the long run. His task is to follow you on this or you will have to split. However, he has a right get time for this. One might easily need a year or two for such a change.
You are high on emotions at the moment. I understand that. Days feel like weeks in such a state. I am afraid, you have to calm down (others here in the forum are good in giving you advice how to do that). Tell him you will keep quite for lets say 6 weeks and then the topics have be discussed (as repeated, make an appointment with a poly friendly counselor). After those 6 weeks, discuss the topic of apologizing and also that you are determined to follow your life style after a decent amount of time.

Sorry your husband is not making that as easy as I did it for my wife.
 
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

Is this the cycle you are in? I hope not. I hope it is not abuse.

But even if it is "just" outburst there is nothing "just" about it. That too is horrible to deal in. He says he loves you and then treats you with less than loving behavior? Very uncool.

I am really sorry you deal in this. :(

Go slow, gather thoughts together and make a plan, get counselor support, to help etc.

But keep in mind that you do not have to give up your authenticity.

Galagirl
 
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Please look into reaching out to a more progressive community, Journey. Nobody can make her way alone and you don't have to. There are many open minded and caring people in other communities who would be happy to know you and support you right now. Sending good thoughts your way.

This is very much my focus right now. I have the contact details for a counsellor who sounds like she would be good. I'm trying to get into contact with people. I'm building on my existing friendships with those who are open minded and interested.
 
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