How do you find poly people?

[Mr Maple]

How do you find each other?

My wife and I are now open to the Poly setting (I have been for many years) but dont really know where or even how to find people that are Poly, without using a probably scam dating site.

some people I know in a poly relationship have said that it was just by chance, that one person or another knew someone and by talking and other events eventually lead to them having a poly relationship.

I know thats not every one, so how else have you found your other/s, what is your story.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Mr Maple,

There is no established way for polyamorists to meet each other; a lot of it is random and it takes a lot of time and patience. You can try a poly dating site or app (I've heard Feeld is a good poly app), but most of those are pretty lame. Honestly I think your best bet is to just get out there and meet people. Join a club, take a class, do something that interests you, and just let platonic friendships develop naturally, don't try to force it. You can talk to a platonic friend about polyamory, without the pressure on the friend to accept. If they do accept, then you can know that if the friendship ever evolves into something romantic, you'll have already had the "poly talk" with them, and they'll have already had ample time to think about it, and draw their own conclusions. Sounds involved I know, and as I've said we're dealing with a process that could take quite a few years.

It can help if there is a fringe activity that interests you: a Ren faire, an indie concert, a kink munch, a sci-fi convention ... something along those lines. The people you meet at a fringe event are more likely to either be poly, or at least be open-minded about poly. Another approach is to look for a poly group (with poly meetups) in your area. Google "Kelowna polyamory," or "British Columbia polyamory," or "Vancouver polyamory," something to that effect. One or two poly groups may pop up. Just, when you go to a poly meetup, don't start hitting on people. Again, let platonic friendships form naturally, and have hope that something platonic may eventually lead to something romantic. Whatever route you take, be ready to be patient, as it could take a few years at least.

My current partner and I met in 1995, we were both monogamous at the time and the context was we met at church via choir practice. We were both married. We were just friends for the next ten years, and we lost contact with each other for maybe five years. We finally met up (by pure chance) at another church, and the two of us found ourselves working together. We started exchanging emails, and little by little, the emails became deeper, longer, and more personal. It was 2005, and we found ourselves falling in love with each other. We had to work that out with our spouses, and that took about a year and wasn't easy, we needed our spouses to consent to a polyamorous arrangement. Long story short, we were able to be with each other polyamorously starting in 2006. That's the very abbreviated version of my story.

Hopefully that helps,
Kevin T.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

How do you find each other?

My wife and I are now open to the Poly setting (I have been for many years) but dont really know where or even how to find people that are Poly, without using a probably scam dating site.

some people I know in a poly relationship have said that it was just by chance, that one person or another knew someone and by talking and other events eventually lead to them having a poly relationship.

I know thats not every one, so how else have you found your other/s, what is your story.

The blogs section of the forum is where a lot of posters (those active now, those active in the past) tell their origin stories
Some poeple link to their blogs in their sig (like I do). But you can click on a person's profile and go to "find" and see people's posts and threads that they have started.

There are stories and stories and stories of how people come together....
Sometimes people come and share their stories and move along...
but their stories stay here.

I came across this forum over a decade ago - I learned a lot just by reading the experiences of the people who were active posters at times when I was not. NovemberRain, NYCINdie, RedPepper, so many others....

Jane("Gah-I'm-Old")Q

 

[Evie]

I've just been trying out Feeld for the first time. Definitely not a scam but there is a fee. Then there's a free app, but it's in its infancy, called Iconist. I actually met my LDR partner on Fetlife in a shared group. It's about the best place to find advertised local meet ups, too.

Other than that, I second the suggestion of just going to whatever activities you already enjoy and meet people there. You'll obviously need to be some level of "out" to tell people you're available to date as well as partnered.

 

[Magdlyn]

I met my long term partner (13 years+) on OK Cupid, which was good back then. I can't navigate it now. But one of our long term members, Bluebird, who posts on her blog here almost every day (nowhere else) seems to meet people there.

I talked to my other partner on Fetlife for 3 years before we met. He was practicing monogamy when we first started chatting, just as friends. Finally he was free to date, our feelings bloomed, the pandemic was over, and we met. Like Kevin says, it can really take patience. I was just extremely lucky with my first partner. I met her 3 months after separating from my husband and just weeks after joining OK Cupid.

I've met plenty of other people from OKC and Fetlife. If I were seeking now, I'd look into Feeld. My bf goes there sometimes and he's had a few dates so far; nothing has worked out yet.

Other poly people meet dating prospects in school, at work, in the neighborhood, at clubs, or hobby groups, as stated. You do need to put yourself out there. No one is going to find you if you're just sitting at home.

 

[Mr Maple]

Thank you all for your stories/info.
I am warry of just joining a dating site because there are not only so many, but so many fake ones too.

One person once told me to go to LGBT events, meetups etc and that I might find someone there too, dont think there really are any in my town/city.

The wife and I have just started to search for a possible second or third woman for us, she might not bee as into the sex part but the companionship, I'm for all of it ^_^

any ways, what about things to avoid, are there any things that are a trap a new person might not see?

 

[kdt26417]

There is such a thing as a person with a fake profile on a dating site. I ran into a number of them on OKC. I think that's the first thing to watch out for but you seem to be already aware of that. Next, there are con artists who will exploit you in person. Be careful about getting too involved with somebody too fast. I was taken in by one of these, she said she was in a tight spot and needed a place to stay. I foolishly let her stay at my place, and that experience soon turned into a nightmare. Needless to say, I recommend getting to know someone for at least a year or two before letting them live with you. No matter how much of a sob story they tell you.

 

[Evie]

any ways, what about things to avoid, are there any things that are a trap a new person might not see?

That looking for someone to date both of you is the surest way to make a lot of mistakes very fast. This is called 'unicorn hunting' and it's so rarely successful that you are more likely to find yourself scammed by someone who knows how much couples want to 'add a third' to their relationship. Even if you do find one woman who is willing to 'be shared' by you, you're likely to end up treating her like an appendix to your relationship while you are learning to navigate how to regain emotional and sexual autonomy within your relationship.

To mitigate this, stop thinking of polyamory as a thing you do together. Recognise that each other needs the freedom to date, or not, any person they see fit. (Exception to this is that you might want to make a no-go list, like each other's siblings or bosses....)

 

[Magdlyn]

Thank you all for your stories/info.
I am warry of just joining a dating site because there are not only so many, but so many fake ones too.

You need to use your common sense and discretion when using a dating site. Sure, there are scammers out there. Personally, in all the years I used dating sites, I never met a scammer. But maybe that's because I am a woman who was mostly seeking men. I have met plenty of men who said they want love and a LTR but really only wanted one night of sex, though.

One person once told me to go to LGBT events, meetups etc. and that I might find someone there too, but I don't think there are any in my town/city.

So you're bi? I don't know how big your city is or where you live, but there are plenty of queers in most bigger cities. Or you may need to travel a bit, if necessary. Gay clubs have been closing since gays are more accepted at neighborhood bars and clubs nowadays. So it's possible you could meet someone (of any gender) at any neighborhood pub, especially if you go without your wife, especially if you go regularly. The key is to present as available and not just show up as a partnered unit.

The wife and I have just started to search for a possible second or third woman for us. She might not be as into the sex part, but the companionship. I'm for all of it ^_^

(Your wife needs a nickname. "The wife" sounds so possessive.) She needs to get her own partners and you get your own partners. There are so very few women out there willing to seriously date a couple, and then, if you do find one, she is likely to prefer one of you over the other, which will cause envy and all kinds of trouble. If your wife just wants a new friend, this might be what we call kitchen table poly, where your partner is friends with her metamour (your other partner). There is no guarantee and really no need for your partners to become close friends though. However, some people insist on this and will only date someone who wants to come to their house and hang out with their nesting partner on a regular basis.

That's not my jam but our member Bluebird (check her blog) always seems to bring her newest dating prospects over to her house to meet her nesting partners (husband and boyfriend) on the 2nd date! That's happening in her life right now.

Anyway, what about things to avoid? Are there any things that are a trap a new person might not see?

We've covered a big one, about not being unicorn hunters. Another "trap", or cringey thing, is sharing TMI about your sex life with the new person with your nesting partner. Another mistake is getting swamped in infatuation (new relationship energy, NRE) and talking too much in general about your new crush, or spending way too much time texting/phoning them, or insisting on rapidly increasing the amount of days per week you see the new person, or stopping dating your nesting partner altogether, or having sex with them, and devoting all your time and energy to the new and shiny person.

NRE generally lasts 6-18 months. It's intoxicating and you can become obsessive, but it's absolutely necessary to keep it in check, or your original relationship can suffer and even fall apart.

 

[Mr Maple]

I know that some of the things in my mind are going to be 100% fantasy, like coming home with the kids out of the house but them tied up with each other waiting for me etc etc. 90% sure that wouldn't happen. thats what dreams are for

Normally I am a very guarded person, very selective to who I let in as friends etc. took a while for me and Mrs Maple to get together, so I wouldn't just let anyone in.

That said though, I am very friendly to people, enjoy talking to anyone about anything and very much about showing general respect to everyone, even if we disagree on a topic.

Mrs Maple and I have talked about everything for about a year + and while she may not be as interest in sex with the other woman/women, depending on personality and everything. She would be interested in having them as cuddle buddies and maybe foreplay along with general interactions.

My #1 concern is that everyone is ok with things and I would hope that the other/s would live in the home with us as 100% equals (outside of bed play) I don't know how to treat people differently outside of how I feel about them personally.
I couldn't even see my self leaving Mrs Maple alone on a personal or sexual level, she and I are very close.

So would it be safe to say just interact with people, make friends and see who might be interested in something more?

 

[kdt26417]

Yes, that's what you should do. Interact with people, make friends, and see who might be interested in something more.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Mrs Maple and I have talked about everything for about a year + and while she may not be as interest in sex with the other woman/women, depending on personality and everything.

Maybe she's interested in dating other men

 

[Evie]

Maybe she's interested in dating other men

Mr Maple already wrote:

I couldn't even see my self leaving Mrs Maple alone on a personal or sexual level, she and I are very close.

It looks like there's only ever going to be an OPP.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Mr Maple already wrote:

It looks like there's only ever going to be an OPP.

Or he could be open to the same sort of foreplay and companionship with a guy that his wife is with other women for the sake of this poly thing. His wife has very little sexual interest in women, too. It would be equal that way if they both have a chance to match with their preferred gender as well as take one for the team as part of a couple. He seems like he is a confident, secure, rational guy.

 

[Mr Maple]

Maybe she's interested in dating other men

Like I said, we talked about everything, I even asked her if she could handle me in front and someone in the back, she made a face, then I asked if she could take me in the back and another in the front, said she would never let me in the back, she likes walking too much.
Generally she prefers the company of women more than men. She can talk to me about anything but women's issues because ... well I'm not a woman so it would be like me talking SW or ST to someone that has never watched either one, I know basics.

 

[Mr Maple]

Or he could be open to the same sort of foreplay and companionship with a guy that his wife is with other women for the sake of this poly thing. His wife has very little sexual interest in women, too. It would be equal that way if they both have a chance to match with their preferred gender as well as take one for the team as part of a couple. He seems like he is a confident, secure, rational guy.

I never claimed to be rational

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Like I said, we talked about everything, I even asked her if she could handle me in front and someone in the back, she made a face, then I asked if she could take me in the back and another in the front, said she would never let me in the back, she likes walking too much.
Generally she prefers the company of women more than men. She can talk to me about anything but women's issues because ... well I'm not a woman so it would be like me talking SW or ST to someone that has never watched either one, I know basics.

Or you could also consider the other guy's preferences.

There are these types of guys called bulls who are often okay with a guy being present and watching without such interaction. So it would come under you being a "companion" for the duration of their date like your wife is prepared to be.

But you know most of us either don't have group sex, or don't have group sex the majority of the time.

 

[Mr Maple]

As a person I do not shy away from anything in context, there is very little in the world that bothers me as a person except for the obvious things like discrimination etc.
When I was younger (much much younger) I did think about how I felt about guys, but while I can and do enjoy interacting with my fellow guys, I never felt that drive towards them.
I did however realize that I was open to the idea of poly when I was young (early teens) because I ended up with a crush, a hard one, on twin sisters. never had the ability to approach them but my logical child mind reasoned "If you feel that way about both of them why cant you have both of them, if they like you." and that thought process never left me, if the other people feel the same way and everyone is accepting it, why not?

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

As a person I do not shy away from anything in context, there is very little in the world that bothers me as a person except for the obvious things like discrimination etc.
When I was younger (much much younger) I did think about how I felt about guys, but while I can and do enjoy interacting with my fellow guys, I never felt that drive towards them.
I did however realize that I was open to the idea of poly when I was young (early teens) because I ended up with a crush, a hard one, on twin sisters. never had the ability to approach them but my logical child mind reasoned "If you feel that way about both of them why cant you have both of them, if they like you." and that thought process never left me, if the other people feel the same way and everyone is accepting it, why not?

All your talk focuses on you having multiple partners. There is never anything about your partners having other partners. You're just a dude who likes women and wants a few of them at once. Nothing more than that.

You're not thinking about how to be a fulfilling partner to a poly person or the contentment of your partners. You're thinking about having access to sex and attention from more than one women because you think you deserve it for whatever reason.

And that mentality is just not conducive to healthy polyamory the vast majority of the time.

Unless you're happy to provide foreplay and companionship to dudes who are interested in your wife, please don't expect her to get your women sexually hot for you or comfortable with your marriage. It's just disrespectful and exploitative.

 

[Magdlyn]

I know that some of the things in my mind are going to be 100% fantasy, like coming home with the kids out of the house but them tied up with each other waiting for me etc etc. 90% sure that wouldn't happen. That's what dreams are for

Oh, I see. You are straight and Mrs Maple would be interested in light foreplay with another woman and then having both women pleasure you. You are not looking for a male partner. You want to find a woman who will take part in threeway sex with you and your Missus. This is not polyamory. This is probably more like a relationship that is open for group sex. If a deep friendship or love develops between either two partners, what then? Is Mrs Maple OK with it if you fall deeply in love with your hypothetical new sexy female lover? Polyamory means "many loves," not "threesome sex."

If you want to experiment with group sex, you two might just want to explore the world of swinging. Often when couples start to explore group sex they just go and observe a few times before opening their legs or plunging their sword into a new scabbard.

Normally I am a very guarded person, very selective to who I let in as friends etc. took a while for me and Mrs Maple to get together, so I wouldn't just let anyone in.

That said though, I am very friendly to people, enjoy talking to anyone about anything and very much about showing general respect to everyone, even if we disagree on a topic.

Mrs Maple and I have talked about everything for about a year + and while she may not be as interest in sex with the other woman/women, depending on personality and everything. She would be interested in having them as cuddle buddies and maybe foreplay along with general interactions.

My #1 concern is that everyone is ok with things and I would hope that the other/s would live in the home with us as 100% equals.

You imagine being in a full-on FMF long term, cohabiting relationship. What would be in it for the new woman? She can't legally marry either one of you. She'd be at a disadvantage since she's new and you and Mrs Maple have had many years together (and kids, it sounds like!). I guess you'd have to find a sexy bi babe who also enjoyed parenting other people's kids. What if she wanted you to father her existing child(ren), or to conceive one or some with you? What if she also wanted another partner of her own? Would they be welcome in your house too?

(outside of bed play) I don't know how to treat people differently outside of how I feel about them personally. I couldn't see myself leaving Mrs Maple alone on a personal or sexual level; she and I are very close.

Many formerly mono couples imagine sharing a new person like a toy. You haven't progressed beyond this fantasy of a faceless compliant sex toy. I'd suggest you two both read the book Opening Up before trying to get with a shared woman. It covers all the bases of open relationships, swinging and polyamory, what can go wrong and how to avoid mistakes.

So would it be safe to say just interact with people, make friends and see who might be interested in something more?

No. I'd say first you read that book to really understand what you're trying to manifest. Looking for a hot bi babe to share is pretty fruitless. That's why they're called "unicorns." There are millions of couples like you in the world, a straight guy and a slightly-bi-curious woman who fantasize about threeway sex with a compliant perfect woman. There are only a handful of women who really want to get involved sexually/romantically with a MF couple.

Please read this article:

So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?

This article is a long, technical discussion of what being a "Unicorn Hunter" means, what's wrong with it, and how people in such a situation can try to avoid the negative stereotypes associated with such behavior and get the things that they are ultimately looking for. It is written in a…

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