How it started... Where is it going?

C

CluelessCassie

New member
Quick background to the situation: I (37 bi F) and husband, lets call him HB (39 straight M) have been together 20 years. 2 kids, 6 and 10-years old. We both work Mon-Fri 9-5. We have a strong relationship.

2 years ago, I suggested having a threesome with another woman. After some convincing, he agreed to join Feeld, and after some weeks we did it. It was my first time with a woman and it was amazing. HB got super turned on seeing me with another woman and I was turned on seeing him be pleasured by someone else. It was a fun one-off with that person, as planned.

A few months later, we met with another woman, "C". HB really liked her. I did not. It was confusing and I couldn't work out why for ages, but looking back, I think it was because HB was very into her, and I was just not vibing, and I couldn't understand why he liked her so much. We met a few times, but ended it, as I was not sexually excited at all.

HB says feels that he may be polyamorous. I am his number 1, etc., buthe would have no problem being a throuple, if the person was right. I said that was not really what I wanted. I just wanted sex with 2 people, fun, steamy, raunchy threesomes! Or so I thought.

Enter into the situation "M". M (27 F bi), pursued us on the app, and we met up for a night out. HB was at a work event for the start so M and I went on a date. It was brilliant. We talked and flirted and ate food and made each other laugh. Then we went back to the hotel and played UNO (yes, the card game) until HB came back from his work event. He had told us to have fun and that we could be physical together if we wanted. We had a couple of kisses before he arrived. He arrived and within 10 minutes we were all kissing and touching and had amazing sex. Everything was easy and natural.

Next morning we had more sex, followed by chats and cuddles, and then M went home. I missed her. I wanted to see her again. I said this to HB and he said the same. M also said the same! She is going home for Christmas and we are both really sad we wont see her for weeks.

We have these "ground rules"
  • All chatting to be in the group chat
  • No meeting in secret
  • Condoms for PIV
But how do we handle this? How far do we let it go? Is it a relationship? Could it be one? Do I want one? I don't know. I love my marriage and I worked hard to make it so good. I don't want another person in my marriage, do I? But I also cannot wait to meet with M again. Is this polyamory? I only wanted to live out my bi girl dreams!

I need advice. I need help. I need someone to tell me if I need more rules, or less rules, or different rules or no rules? WHAT ARE THE RULES??
 
CluelessCassie said:
M (27 F bi) pursued us on the app and we met up for a night out. HB was at a work event for the start so M and I went on a date. It was brilliant. We talked and flirted and ate food and made each other laugh. Then went back to the hotel and played UNO (yes, the card game) until HB came back from work event. He had told us to have fun and that we could be physical together if we wanted. We had a couple of kisses before he arrived. He arrived and within 10 minutes we were all kissing and touching and had amazing sex. Everything was easy and natural.
Next morning we had more sex followed chats and cuddles and M went home. I missed her. I wanted to see her again. I said this to HB and he said the same. M also said the same! She is going home for Christmas and we are both really sad we wont see her for weeks.
We have the "ground rules"
  • All chatting to be in the group chat
  • No meeting in secret
  • Condoms for PIV
But how do we handle this? How far do we let it go? Is it a relationship? Could it be one? Do I want one? I don't know. I love my marriage and I worked hard to make it so good. I don't want another person in my marriage do I? But I also cannot wait to meet with M again. Is this polyamory? I only wanted to live out my Bi girl dreams!
I need advice. I need help. I need someone to tell me if I need more rules, or less rules, or different rules or no rules? WHAT ARE THE RULES??
Click to expand...
If you are tending to go from just wanting casual sex to wanting polyamory, be aware that it's a whole new ballgame. I'm glad you came here to get more info. You can look around the threads and see how people do it, either as a solo poly person, or as a couple that dates independently, or, more rarely, successfully manages a long-term triad or quad.

Both members of a couple trying to date the same person is very very hard, as you saw in the past, because often you don't both feel the same way about the person you are both trying to date. Or, just as often, she prefers one of you over the other.

Besides searching back over our 15 years of threads here, please check our list of resources:


I'd start by reading the book Opening Up, which covers all kinds of consensual ethical non-monogamous relationships, from swinging to polyamory.

Anyone you date won't be "IN your marriage/relationship." She will be in a relationship with you, AND a different relationship with your husband. Each dyad needs its own time to grow and develop.

What happens if you and she fall in love, but it fizzles between her and your husband? Will you decide to break up, and break your heart and hers? Or will you decide to keep dating her on your own, and hubs can go and date others to his taste?
 
There's always the Golden Rule...do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Be kind, don't treat her as a sex toy, and realise your initial rules you listed are like training wheels and shouldn't be needed for very long. They are a way to currently control the early development of this, but if after dating her for some time you discover there is a longer term compatibility, be prepared for the couples' privilege you and HB have now to dissolve.

(Couples privilege includes things like the couple can have one on one sex without condoms, but the new lover has to always have group sex with condoms. The couple gets to have private conversations, but the new lover must only communicate with both at once. The couple gets to have the legal benefits of marriage but they want her to be exclusive to them, and this stay unmarried. And the list goes on.)

I second what Mags has said above, that if you do move from sexual exploration to polyamory, each dyad will need time to develop separately. One on one dates, one on one sex. If this thought freaks you out entirely, then you may wish to consider sticking with casual threesomes and finding women who only want that, too.
 
Hi, and welcome to the forum.
CluelessCassie said:
But how do we handle this? How far do we let it go? Is it a relationship? Could it be one? Do I want one? I don't know. I love my marriage and I worked hard to make it so good. I don't want another person in my marriage do I?
Click to expand...
1. You both need to do as much research as possible.
2. The problem with question number 2 is the “we” part you’ll quickly learn and see this has gone from a team sport (football) to more of an individual sport like track.
3, 4, 5. Those are personal questions for each participant.
6. Going down the poly road with deep emotional bonds, the unfortunate consequence is that old marriage you worked so hard to make good will be gone. NORMALLY, one or both of you will go through some period of mourning. AND in a significantly high number of cases we’ve seen here on the forum the bells can’t be unrung if or when NRE gets a good grip on someone and things go bad.
CluelessCassie said:
But I also cannot wait to meet with M again. Is this polyamory? I only wanted to live out my bi girl dreams!
Click to expand...
I think so. It’s also NRE.
CluelessCassie said:
I need advice. I need help. I need someone to tell me if I need more rules, or less rules, or different rules or no rules? WHAT ARE THE RULES?
Click to expand...
I think, instead of specific rules, you should have a discussion on acts or behavior that would be detrimental to the relationship. As soon as rules are made, people start questioning the purpose of said rules and thinking of ways around them. I’ve seen in poly relationships claim to follow the letter of the rule but wholesale break the spirit of the agreement. And within that discussion consequences should be discussed. What happens if an STD is passed, or a pregnancy occurs? I invite you to read as many old threads and you can to get a feel for the myriad of situations that await you.

Good luck,
D
 
Hello CluelessCassie,

Before you can decide what the rules are, you need to figure out what you want. You seem to have feelings (not just sexual) for M, so in that sense it may be polyamory. But you have to decide if you want this in your life. If you choose to embrace polyamory (with M), your marriage will certainly change. Are you ready for that?

M sounds like a keeper.
Kevin T.
 
New Years Update. Thank you for all the feedback and advice. I have been researching and came to the realisation that 1) there was a lot of NRE at the start, and that 2) all I want right now is casual threesomes with someone we can also watch movies and go on dinner dates with.

I brought this to the table and both M and HB are on board with this. M is not looking for a big serious relationship and wants to explore sex with a couple more. HB is not into one night stands so is happy that the connection is there with texting and meeting for lunch and then having all the sex!

I think for now this is how I am happiest for it to work. The more I thought about it, the less I was willing to change or give up our marriage relationship for a triad. But I do still want to keep seeing M. I hate the term but "friends with benefits" seems to fit the situation.
 
Evie said:
There's always the Golden Rule...do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Be kind, don't treat her as a sex toy, and realise your initial rules you listed are like training wheels and shouldn't be needed for very long. They are a way to currently control the early development of this, but if after dating her for some time you discover there is a longer term compatibility, be prepared for the couples' privilege you and HB have now to dissolve.

(Couples privilege includes things like the couple can have one on one sex without condoms, but the new lover has to always have group sex with condoms. The couple gets to have private conversations, but the new lover must only communicate with both at once. The couple gets to have the legal benefits of marriage but they want her to be exclusive to them, and this stay unmarried. And the list goes on.)

I second what Mags has said above, that if you do move from sexual exploration to polyamory, each dyad will need time to develop separately. One on one dates, one on one sex. If this thought freaks you out entirely, then you may wish to consider sticking with casual threesomes and finding women who only want that, too.
Click to expand...
You are so completely right with the "Couples Privilege" aspect. It's something I did not think about it take into account and I will do better with this going forward.
 
CluelessCassie said:
I have been researching
Click to expand...
Great! Most couples who achieve success in opening up do research and gather knowledge for at least a year before starting to poly-date. You put the cart before the horse a bit, it seems. So, be careful and take your time as you continue to learn.

(I am not dissing you. I made this same mistake when my ex h and I first tried to open up.)
CluelessCassie said:
1) there was a lot of NRE at the start, 2) all I want right now is casual threesomes with someone we can also watch movies and go on dinner dates with.

I brought this to the table and both M and HB are on board with this. M is not looking for a big serious relationship and wants to explore sex with a couple more. HB is not into one-night stands, so is happy that the connection is there, with texting and meeting for lunch and then having all the sex!

I think for now this is how I am happiest for it to work. The more I thought about it, the less I was willing to change or give up our marriage relationship for a triad. But I do still want to keep seeing M. I hate the term but "friends with benefits" seems to fit the situation.
Click to expand...
Your marriage relationship is changing, though, and will keep changing. A mono relationship is different from one where there is sex, love, romance or whatever when one or both of them start seeing/dating/fucking others.

It sounds like you've had ONE DATE with this woman, and you all had a good time. Good. There is no reason to imagine it means she has to move in with you two tomorrow and become a sister wife. lol

As in any dating, things can start out casual and stay casual. You're not making a commitment on a first date. You're just getting to know someone. As things go on, you may stay casual. You may be FWBs forever. Or, one or both of you, or her, may decide it's no longer fun for whatever reason, and you break up.

The problems start when one member of the couple gets along well with the unicorn, but the other couple member decides it isn't working. What happens then? Do you BOTH have to break up with her when one of you doesn't want to?

What happens if this woman decides she's really into your husband, and he's into her, but she's not that into you after all? Do you veto their relationship (no matter how "casual" it is)?

Also, if you keep hanging out with her a lot, talking, laughing, dating, having sex, texting in between dates, maybe flirting, sexting, sending pix, etc., just getting along great-- one, two or all of you might develop feelings after all. Sex and love do go hand-in-hand, hormonally. It's human nature, no matter what your rational brain is telling you about what you "want" to have happen. You may think you're all just friends that fuck, and then one day turn around and realize it's become something deeper.

Maybe you want to read this:

davidlnoble.livejournal.com

So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?

This article is a long, technical discussion of what being a "Unicorn Hunter" means, what's wrong with it, and how people in such a situation can try to avoid the negative stereotypes associated with such behavior and get the things that they are ultimately looking for. It is written in a…
davidlnoble.livejournal.com davidlnoble.livejournal.com

and this:


... if you haven't already.
 
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