How normal is this?

S

shyone83

New member
I am in a new relationship and new to the poly world. My bf is married and poly. His wife does not date. The reason they have chosen to be poly and for him to date are her health concerns, amongst others I can't talk about.

How normal is it for just the husband to have a gf and the wife not be involved with the husband's gf too? I'm more mono, but I'm being open about this, and obviously trying and doing research, since I'm in this group. Any advice or things I should know is appreciated. Also, we have set boundaries already, he and I.
 
It's super normal and many of us here have similar set ups. It's great that they are not trying to find someone together, they've obviously done their research and aren't looking for "someone to share". I know TV shows tend to show triads/throuples, but that's just because it makes for more dramatic storylines.

So we call your set up a V and he is the hinge and she is your metamour. The level of interaction you have with her also has different descriptors, like parallel poly, where you don't interact (except in emergencies) or garden party poly where you might go to certain social functions and be able to make basic small talk, or kitchen table poly where you could all comfortably hang out and do friend group things.
 
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Evie said:
It's super normal, and many of us here have similar set-ups. It's great that they are not trying to find someone together, They've obviously done their research and aren't looking for "someone to share." I know TV shows tend so show triads/throuples, but that's just because it makes for more dramatic storylines.

We call your set-up a V. He is the hinge and she is your metamour. The level of interaction you have with her also has different descriptors, like parallel poly, where you don't interact (except in emergencies) or garden-party poly, where you might go to certain social functions and be able to make basic small talk, or kitchen table-poly, where you could all comfortably hang out and do friend group things.
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I've only talked to her on the phone when I wanted to make sure this was all on the up and up. She and I are a lot alike. We may be friends. I'm not sure... leaving that up to her. I know she isn't keen on me coming to her home and her space, and I'm okay with that. I respect her space and her.

I guess I'm not really sure how this relationship will be different from my normal monogamous ones. His friends and family don't know about this lifestyle choice, so part of me feels like a dirty secret. My friends know, but not my family. Like, do we take pictures together on our dates? Am I allowed to post them? Do I just ask him? Is it weird if I do? What happens when things get worse for his wife? Do I comfort him? Leave him alone?
 
Hello shyone83,

I would say it is about 40% normal. Polyamory is still a minority lovestyle, but what you're describing is a mono/poly relationship (him and his wife) and a V (you're not involved with his wife), and that is fairly normal within polyamory. You are new to poly, and maybe you're not sure yet whether you'll seek out (an) additional partner/s.

You do take pictures together on your dates with him, and you are allowed to post them. Just ask him if it's okay if you do that. It's not weird to ask. You should not have to be a dirty little secret. When things get worse for his wife, just be there for him, but give him some space if he needs it. He can let you know how you can help.

Anyway those are my thoughts.
Kevin T.
 
shyone83 said:
Like, do we take pictures together on our dates? Am I allowed to post them? Do I just ask him? Is that weird if I do? What happens when things get worse for his wife? Do I comfort him? Leave him alone?
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- Sure!
- Ask him
- Yes
- No, communication is key in poly relationships. Ask him anything and everything. You cannot read minds or be in agreement with anything if you don't talk about it.

You need to know what he wants from your relationship, what types of things are possibilities of future growth, what things can he not give you. If things go well in this relationship, what will you need, looking into the future? Kids, living together, shared finances, marriage or life commitment? It's okay if you accept his marriage now, but if things get really close, then you need to know if he can give you what you need. Be clear with that from the beginning. It won't salvage hurt feelings in the future, but knowing now can help make informed choices.

As for when things get worse with his wife, ask him what he needs, just like any other friend or loved one, and support him in the way he requests.
 
How much time is normal to spend with someone in this type of situation, like, each week, to make sure everyone feels wanted and is getting what they need from the relationship?
 
How normal is it for just the husband to have a gf, and the wife not be involved with the husband's gf too?
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Totally normal. There is nothing wrong with a poly V, where the two "V-arm" people don't interact much. What for? You aren't dating her. You also don't have to be pals. "Basic polite" is good enough, if you happen to bump into each other in passing, or out in town.


I've only talked to her on the phone when I wanted to make sure this was all on the up and up. She I are a lot alike. We may be friends. I'm not sure... leaving that up to her. I know she isn't keen on me coming to her home and her space, and I'm okay with that. I respect her.
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Cool. She doesn't have to be in your spaces either. There is nothing wrong with a parallel V.


How much time is normal to spend with someone in this type of situation, like, each week, to make sure everyone feels wanted and is getting what they are need?
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Only YOU can answer that. You might be happy with 1-2 dates a month, or you might want them 1-2x a week. You might want to date other people too, so you have to balance your schedule.

There is no "global normal." YOU decide what you want and what would make you happy to participate. Your BF either makes the cut in your personal standards for what you seek in a partner, or not.

I'm not sure how this relationship will be different from my normal monogamous ones. His friends and family don't know about this lifestyle choice, so part of me feels like a dirty secret. My friends know, but not my family. Do we take pictures together on our dates? Am I allowed to post them? Do I just ask him? Is it weird if I do? What happens when things get worse for his wife? Do I comfort him? Leave him alone?
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In one sense, it's no different than a monogamous relationship. It's just dating. You still need to share calendars, talk about safer sex, and all that.

In another sense, you have to deal with extra, different issues. You have to talk to your BF about how open you each want to be about the relationship and the fact this is a poly V. Ask him where his comfort level is, at this time, about things like pictures, posting on social media, telling or meeting friends and family, and so on. You can't be a mind reader.

Maybe being open about it with friends and family is okay, but not at work, because that feels weird.

Additionally, if you already don't like being a secret this early into dating, and this will NEVER change, it might be better to bow out now before you get more attached, because you'd prefer to be more open about your life.

It's okay to be new to polyamory, but you are still the expert on YOU and what you will and will not put up with in a relationship. Your consent to do things, or not, belongs to YOU. Poly doesn't mean good manners fly out the window.

SOMEONE has to be your first poly partner. You don't have to stick with them forever though, just because they were the first. Just like in any kind of dating -- some people will be compatible and some won't. You figure it out through dating. So, get to know each other and ask all the things you want to ask. Speak up for yourself. Do NOT expect him or his wife to have all the answers or to "lead." YOU are responsible for your own self and what you get yourself into. Educate yourself about polyamory.

You could read books, listen to podcasts, read web articles, etc.

Galagirl
 
There's no one size fits all, but here's my set up:

I aim to talk to my very long distance partner daily, when life isn't throwing curve balls all the time. We spend very little in-person time together but he's very much my partner regardless.

I see my new (married and nesting) bf about once a week for an overnight right now, with daily texting when it's not being rude to anyone else we're spending time with (like him with his wife) and spontaneous shorter catch-ups when possible. That might be 2 hours for an after work drink or 20 mins when I collect him from the airport and drop him home rather than him catching a taxi.

My long distance husband, I text most days and we talk maybe once or twice a week. But I also get to spend days on end with him when it's holiday time and I go "home" to visit. It's a long story.

I live by myself and largely identify as solo poly/RA right now despite having financial commitments to the house I own with my husband.
 
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